To think that Julia Hollander who put her severely brain damaged daughter into care did the right thing

[pigletmania]

I have just picked up this weeks Pick Me Up magazine and have read the brave story of a woman Called Julia Hollander and her husband who put their daughter Imeogen who has severe brain damage into care as they could not cope. The daughter is now thriving and doing so well in the care of Tania a professional carer. They are still a part of their daughters life and are involved in decision making regarding aspects of her life.

When this couple spoke out about their story they recieved a lot of bad press and was unfairly vilified by people on Mumsnet who if they have not been in that situation have no idea what this couple are going through. They put their daughter into Tanias care so that she would have a better life, this in itself is very selfless and putting their daughter first.

[2shoescreepingthroughblood]

tribeleader do they really!!!
so that is why dd's school now has to offer 52 week resedential care, to give these young people a home..
the dream that there is a tania out there for everychild with a disabilitie is just that a dream
(yuck at "disabled" I have a dd with a disabilitie, not a disabled, hope that was a typo)

[LetThereBeRock]

A residential placement might seem different to some, and I agree it is, but not to others.
My friend has been accused of abandoning her child,of being heartless,of being a bad mother, of not caring about him.

She's been told that it's no different from putting him into care because people other than she look after him every day now.

I fail to see how they think that forcing her to continue to care for him would be an improvement on this excellent residential school.
She was verging on suicide and possibly homicide. He was utterly miserable.Who was going to benefit by forcing them to go on like that?

I therefore personally can't say it's always wrong to hand over care of one's child to someone else. And I'm not speaking of JH here. Those are rather different circumstances from those of my friend.

[BobbingForPeachys]

F
U
C
K

O
F
F

I am trying to work out tonight whether to put my ASD child in care after he seriously assaulted me today, like fuck do I need bigoted posters taking shit in their OPs about SN, and dragging up old stuff

either youa re part of a supportive community on ehre in wish case you dont really want to upset people or youre a shit stirring troll, in which case piss off

[tribeleader]

In my case the doctors got it wrong, my daughter with the huge black hole isn't a severe as they believed her to be but I can understand the fear the Julia went through

I personally think she has missed out so much by not being the main care giver, as you say our children bring so much joy and love alongside the difficulties but at the same time, I don't believe she was the right person to care for Imogen

I don't want to say anymore as I think I am coming from a place that knows much more than what is in the books/articles but many people commenting are getting the facts wrong

[LetThereBeRock]

You're welcome. I read it reguarly. It's a great blog and Mog and Little Fish are fun to read about. Both have big personalities.

[2shoescreepingthroughblood]

peachy so sorry you are having a crap time,
this thread was intended to upset imo, the title alone was a deliberate attempt to upset.
I am glad I am going away for a few days and will have no internet(yes I taking my burden with me saint that I am)

[2shoescreepingthroughblood]

why was she allowed to keep her other children?

[tribeleader]

finding care for older children with disabilities is hard and they are coming into care when parents can no longer meet their needs at home, I was talking of people handing over babies/very young children as they feel they cannot cope with a disability, these children are placed fairly easily ime. Many parents would love to cope but the resources are not available, we all know caring for our children isn't all rosey and it's extreme hard work to get our needs met. Adult services are non existant.

(I meant to type a disabled child)

[LetThereBeRock]

Why wouldn't she be allowed to do so? I don't mean the ethics of such a decision, just from the legal point of view was there a reason why she might have not been allowed to keep her remaining children?

It's been a while since I read about the case and can't remember all of the details.

[Oblomov]

Piglet, I was on the original thread. Have you read it ?
How do you know she was unfairly vilified ?

[2shoescreepingthroughblood]

tribeleader thought you did,
I disagree, there is help out there.
I know as I get it.

[nappyaddict]

I could understand her doing it if she had had years of struggling and not coping and truly loved her daughter so wanted her to have a happier life. This is not the case.

[2shoescreepingthroughblood]

LetThereBeRock she wanted to kill her daughter, and abandoned, surely that proves her an unfit mother.

[LetThereBeRock]

I'll read a few articles and come back to this because I'm debating with only half the facts at the moment.

[posieparksherbroom]

I don't think the OP intended to hurt anyone's feelings. She has retracted.

[Oblomov]

I e-mailed her blog at the time. I was polie, but I couldn't hide how I felt.
I think wannnabe e-mailed aswell, didn't she, along with others.
"Beatrice, who is the lively, challenging companion we hoped Immie would be."
I referenced that at the time. I still feel the same way about it.

[KristinaM]

2shoes - she didnt abandon her, she placed her in care. there is a difference

placing one child in voluntary care deos not mean that your other children are automatically removed

the system is supposed to protect children, not punish parents that you personally disapprove of

[posieparksherbroom]

"Beatrice, who is the lively, challenging companion we hoped Immie would be."

It's just so harsh and difficult to read. Perhaps as parents we all have glimmers of these thoughts, I often have things wander into my head that are really horrid. But they wander out very fast and I would never give them enough space to write them down. It's almost as if she thinks by saying these things people will admire her honesty.

[Oblomov]

After all these years, if Tania can cope, hasn't Julia Hollander atleast tried to take her daughter back, to live with her other children, as a family. Can't Tania teach her atleast some coping strategies ?
No, thought not.

[tethersend]

It's a horrible situation.

All kinds of people have children with SN, not just good ones who can cope. Bad parents have children, ergo they will have children with SN. It seems she could not rise to the challenge to love her child, and that is sad.

I do think there needs to be more support for parents with children with SN, instead of the 'aren't they a saint?' attitude. In a way, if this highlights the issue and provokes discussion then it's a good thing, although I have reservations about her motives for selling her story.

[silverfrog]

tehtersend, i think that's why so maany people are upset by her story.

It does bring the whole issue of coping with a child with severe disabilities into the light, but instead of highlighting how hard it is, and how impossible a situation it was ot find herself in, JH presents what she did as the perfect way to go about things.

That doesn't help any other parent who might be struggling - it doesn't help with society's attitude towards disabilities, and it does not represent what the majority fo parents would feel or do.

And she gets so much airtime to spout nasty little soundbites like "Beatrice, who is the lively, challenging companion we hoped Immie would be". the whole sentiment behind that si quite chilling - Imogen was not good enough to be part of her family. That's not about not coping, that's about not wanting to be bothered when things turn out harder than you expected.

[herjazz]

I'm just sick to fucking death with JH dining out this whole situation again and again. Makes me think what the hell would you have done if Immy hadn't been born? You've been flogging this life you didn't want, and er didn't really have cos you gave her up when she was v tiny OVER and OVER