To think that Julia Hollander who put her severely brain damaged daughter into care did the right thing

[pigletmania]

I have just picked up this weeks Pick Me Up magazine and have read the brave story of a woman Called Julia Hollander and her husband who put their daughter Imeogen who has severe brain damage into care as they could not cope. The daughter is now thriving and doing so well in the care of Tania a professional carer. They are still a part of their daughters life and are involved in decision making regarding aspects of her life.

When this couple spoke out about their story they recieved a lot of bad press and was unfairly vilified by people on Mumsnet who if they have not been in that situation have no idea what this couple are going through. They put their daughter into Tanias care so that she would have a better life, this in itself is very selfless and putting their daughter first.

[defineme]

YABvvvvvvvU
I believe in supporting other women and that admitting you can't cope is the right thing to do. I know that children can drive your family apart and you into depression.
However, giving your child away because they're 'broken' after a few weeks?I am the most liberal lefty you could meet, but there's no way that women is my 'sister'.

This is one of those rare situations where the facts speak for themselves.

[MaggieEsLaMejorBruja]

I wouldn't call it 'brave' or 'selfless' but I certainly wouldn't judge her because I haven't been in those shoes.

Sometimes I feel I'm a very 'adequate' kind of mother. I suspect I may well have failed a severely disabled child by doing the same thing. It would have been my failure, but there you go.

[lisad123wantsherquoteinDM]

having looked on google at pics the ones i found of her with her child, well I just dont think she has ever bonded with her. One is her hlding LO to the side of her and the other she has hold of her wrist while carer has her hand

[cory]

"I am formally stating that I want to stay in touch with Immie. This way, she is still my other daughters' sister; my parents' grandchild; my brother's niece.
(what about being her daughter??)"

agree, lisa, that is a very revealing quote

[pigletmania]

oooh i should not read trashy magazines . Yes i agree mamazonabroomstick but most people are guilty of wanting that 'normal' ideal when they get pregnant and can go through a type of loss or grief if they have a child with a disability, but then develop coping mechanisms and learn to deal with the situation and adapt to it. I dont know what i personally would do in that siutation, but i hope that i would at least try my best to look after my child, i would certainly love themn no matter what. As i said i apologise for the wording of my op it was written in haste and i should know better than to not think before i write on MN

[pigletmania]

i am just talking from a psychoogical based perspective above as that is my area but have no idea personally

[2shoescreepingthroughblood]

sadly this thread will now bring out the "haters"

[cory]

that is a very handsome retraction, piglet

I suppose it was bound to touch a cord because so many of us who are going to open a post like this are the parents of a disabled child (though mine has different disability)

though I think the publishing thing would have grated with me in any case: I just feel you owe your children some kind of loyalty even if you are unable to look after them

[lisad123wantsherquoteinDM]

especially in AIBU! honestly girl a rookie mistake!

[pigletmania]

I just hope that i would do the right thing in that situation. yes my op is bound to be sensitive to a lot of people

[PheasantPlucker]

I do not like Julia Hollander.

She can do what she likes, she can make decisions re giving her child up for adoption because the baby has severe disabilities, that is her choice.

But I am sick and tired of the constant peddling of the line that she is a victim here, as she pockets a few more quid from her book and interviews.

(disclaimer, yes, I have a child with CP, epilepsy, hydrocephalus and a range of additional extras)

[Mamazonabroomstick]

that was an admirable post piglet.
Its ok to feel a level of sympathy for someone who has had to go through this. but i hope thaht you will see from the other posters who HAVE been where JH was, that her decision is not typical.

I do not imagine she is the only person to think that her child may have been better off if she hadn't survived. I know that my gran certainly thought that about my aunt. she felt that she was somehoe selfish in wanting the Dr's to try and revive her so many times. that maybe it would have been kinder to let her go.

That however is very different to coldly discussing the possibility of suffocating your child.

But i could even forgive someone that fleeting thought. but i cannot forgive the way she has published such stories. she may be safe in the knowledge that Imogen will probably never be aware of her words, but her other children are.
God forbid they ever have an accident. i doubt they will sleep!

[pigletmania]

Well i have been on MN for sometime oh dear

[posieparksherbroom]

I feel very sorry for the children, Imogen seems like she may have the better deal.

[lisad123wantsherquoteinDM]

do you mean this picture? here

[pigletmania]

I know that this is now way near i did have severe pND dd would cry and cry from colic and no matter how much i tried to sooth her it just did not help, i did go to my lowest depths and thoughts not so good thoughts, the one defining moment is that i nearly did do something but i closed the door walked away and had a cup of tea instead. I was afraid that if i did seek help the dr would call ss and take my baby away so i did not seek help, but this time i had to, i went to the dr who was fantastic and was prescribed anti depressants which helped so well, i felt so better like the mum i wanted to be and have felt so ever since though i do get some low moments but not like that anyore.

[TheTerribleSpider]

It's a completely different situation mgm and also a big difference is (I assume) you haven't hawked your story to every medium possible and written a book about it.

[lisad123wantsherquoteinDM]

yes picture doesnt look like someone who has great feelings for their dd! only held by mum and not even on her lap, supporting her properly.

[MaggieEsLaMejorBruja]

ofgs! don't be so judgemental. I've considered murdering my x. Murder is a very emotive word. They've consiered ending the life of their severely brain damaged child who has a low quality of life.

They didn't do it, but I think it's probably not that surprising that it occurred to them.

[Jujubean77]

iirc I remember her description of going on to have another, "perfect" child after Immie and how right it elt. If you read in detail about what these parents did it beggars belief.

[SomeGuy]

There's only one thing worse than dumping your child as if she were an unwanted puppy, and that's writing endless self-pitying articles and books about it.

[Mamazonabroomstick]

who are you to decide the level pf her life quality???

and no yoru right, i reckon its probably a fairly usual thought to have at some point, though maybe not quite as callously as JH did.

what is angering most people is the fact that she is SELLING the details of these thoughts, outlining the fact that she was not good enough for their middle class fmaily, to every cheap rag they can find in the hope that they can be seen as some kind of hero

[2shoescreepingthroughblood]

bloody hell
have you read tania's blog?
no way does this child have a low quality of life!!!
and you say don't judge