To think that Julia Hollander who put her severely brain damaged daughter into care did the right thing

[pigletmania]

I have just picked up this weeks Pick Me Up magazine and have read the brave story of a woman Called Julia Hollander and her husband who put their daughter Imeogen who has severe brain damage into care as they could not cope. The daughter is now thriving and doing so well in the care of Tania a professional carer. They are still a part of their daughters life and are involved in decision making regarding aspects of her life.

When this couple spoke out about their story they recieved a lot of bad press and was unfairly vilified by people on Mumsnet who if they have not been in that situation have no idea what this couple are going through. They put their daughter into Tanias care so that she would have a better life, this in itself is very selfless and putting their daughter first.

love the idea of a bit of humour

yes agree with manny - I find my life has more in common with the parents of children who have severe disability - whatever that disability is - rather than those who share his diagnosis but are not severely affected.

The money issue is raised because she has made money out of her AND imogen's story. Without imogen there would be no story. And she has publicised her book by taking imogen on tv. This isn't necessarily in her best interests. It's not just her story she's sold.

There is a quote on the wall at work which I think fits with issue a bit:

"Life does not consist of what we can do but how we love and are loved"

What has come across to me in reading the media articles about JH, I confess that I have not read her book, and Tania's blog is that perhaps JH and her family feel that life does consist of what we can do and as Immie's disabilities limit her significantly in in this respect then they did not see the intrinsic value of her as someone who could love and be loved.
Whilst Tania seems to express that JH loves Immie, and JH herself seems to say that too, I still wonder if JH sees her as having any intrinsic value as a person?

I think it is brave to admit that you cannot cope

however

as to telling her story to the press is not a brave move, its like selling your soul to the devil and you will be judged for it, thats the way it is!!

This my opinion and and I do not possess to know or understand anything behind her reasons because I am not personally connected to her, why she placed her dd into the care with Tania

These are great posts.Angrys posts especially and of course Riven who is there now.I do feel sympathy for JH and I do think parents who think this is an option could suffer later.The emotional cost must be awful.She is resourceful,articulate,intelligent,just a set of circumstances seem to collide together-the DH,the opportunity of Tania. It does concern me that there are supposed to be thousands of Tanias out there.Why in that case are the media constantly asking for foster Carers?

tribeleader, with respect to who cares where her money goes to, as taxpayers I actually think we are entitled to ask, whether that be contraversial or not. The care package she will have received for Immie through her and partners actions will be thousands and thousands more than ordinary carers get every year.

Plus there are the issues 2shoes has raised.

If you wanted an answer

good idea riven, maybe that would be fairer, seems wrong that she lives the high life whilst her daughters mum is probally scrimping aolong

AngryfromManchester: Yes,how I agree with your point that it is costing the taxpayers thousands more because she is with foster parents.Every shred of respite over the last twenty odd years has been fought for,the tears I have shed when I have had to go to a meeting and SS did not see it as their duty to help.(as we have both always worked full-time)Also ( on my soap box now ) what about the millions some families get in compensation,leaving others with nothing?

jardy, we went through an albeit short litigation case with the hospital and I am still positively sure (as is the neruologist and genetic dr) that my daughters problems were cause at the time of her birth. It has to be very very specific to get compensation, as I am sure thousands of other people find out every year. It is not as easy as people make out. I have had to fight for resoite too and they gave direct payments and then dictated I was only allowed to use them to pay for a 1-2-1 whilst my daughter went on activities. I had to give them a near ultimatum that I was going to push for overnight care before they would agree to me spending it on cleaning (though I am still too scared to spend it on this!) And yet plain as day on thedirect gov website it says you can spend them on domestic help!

PS Just to clarify,because I needed to attend a meeting after work and no-one was prepared to have my son for even an hour.
Also holiday care (dont get me started). ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.If my ds did not have SN then he could have had the pick of all these After School Clubs but because of his disablilties they were not prepared to have him.In the end SS did find two Carers to have him,but they BOTH brought him back FFS cos he was too difficult! They must be millions of other parents like this,or who decide not to work cos it is impossible.Wake up this Goverment before there is a backlash and then see how you would cope with all these Immies and NO Tanias!!!Sorry I dont mean to sound callous or unkind,I know it is a complex subject but I feel so thinking about it.
Don`t regret keeping my gorgeous son tho!

Hi Angry,DP is a way forward but you have to find the Carers first and that is very difficult.We do spend his DLA on a Laundry Services.My point about compensation is that needs are the same but how come a family get millions to reflect hardship etc and the rest nothing.Personally I think there should be an extra amount for those with the most severest difficulties.I think the DLA higher is too broadly awarded.Not saying they don`t deserve it but up all nights changing nappies,sheets,dealing with fits is different to just been awake.For example,I have spent my lovely one and only day off in bed,just catching up on rest.Been lovely

jardy - still ongoing talks about settlements being paid by pcts for 'birth injury/ babies born with disabilities' without recourse to legal 'proof' of cause. the idea is that by paying immediate (ish) compensation, less money will be wasted all round on long term complicated medical negligence cases. - as well as providing an equality of financial support for the the dcs needs regardless of cause. i think some pcts are quite close to trialling...

in our third year of case now. suspect it will not go further as no burden of proof. but then, if you don't monitor regardless of nice guidleines, how can there be any proof, right?

jardy - a group of local parents joined together and formed an action group to petition for holiday provision. an sn playscheme with 1-1, or even 2-1 where necessary, now exists where none used to. things cab change, but unfortunately it is once again left to parents and the voluntary sector to get it together until local government can be forced to provide.

can, lol.

enjoy your rest!

ok, my thoughts on this matter.
the child is best off away from birth parents who would have resented her, or more likely resented their lives being considerable altered.
JH chose her DH over her baby fearing that he would leave her if she kept the baby, and yet she is still with her DH
i think her book is an exercise in trying to validate what she did, lets hope she can explain it all to her other children.
i am of the opinion that she finds disability distasteful.
I have 3 children who have autism and won't be able to ever live independant lives, i am obviously not very brave cos i kept them all
should i write a book?

sorry jardy don't get why you are angry that some children get compensation.
why shouldn't they, they have to prove causation and negligence, once proved the child is entitled to compensation.
can't get why any one would be angry about that(angry about the fact that these children have to fight for it maybe)

Not angry at the children but angry at the unfairness of the inequality of millions going to one child when there are so many with similar or worse disabilities who get nothing,because causation could not be proved.Maybe angry at the bigger picture of it all.Like the mum who had to hose down her disabled children in the garden because the local authority would not provide the disabled facilities

that is terrible.
but there has to be some way of working out who gets compensation(and I know how long the battle is) if everyone got a pay out it would be a tiny ammount and just cause more problems

i think they are discussing hundreds of thousands rather than millions. obviously the severity of the disability would determine how far that would go towards meeting lifelong costs... and i don't think it would replace entirely the medical negligence route. i think some of the scottish trusts have been looking at it quite seriously in the last couple of years. might google around a bit later and see if anyone is actually trialling yet...

I think jardy has a point in that in some areas it is hellish trying to get any adaptations done to your home and it really is a postcode lottery. We are always told the old line that provisions go firstly to the elderly and then to child protection and then to children with disabilities. If you were a foster carer that had taken on a profoundly disabled child to care for, I doubt social sevrices would suggest you house down your child on the backgarden would they? or fit a poxy bath rail which is completely inadequate. They would not be able to because they have to adhere to health and safety and their risk assesments.

the trouble is to get any kind of adaptations here under the DFG you need to fund massive amounts of money yourself. My friend had a one room, two storey extention (so one bedroom, one bathroom) and they quoted 60k just for the shell and then they would not let them use their own contractors. It ended up costing them more than if they had got quotes themself

and the whole point is suuppossed to be that it provides something you need and cannot afford, otherwise why woul;d you even apply in the first place?

100 of thousands would not be enough. compensation pay outs are so large cos of the care part, care is soooooo expensive.
if the goverment gave you a few 100 thousand I bet they would then expect you to self fund everything, money would last about 3 years I reckon