Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel a bit icky about this? What would you do?

199 replies

mindalina · 08/12/2008 08:35

I've got a friend who occasionally babysits for me. He's an old friend of DP's who I've also known for around four or five years now. I trust him completely with DS - DS adores him, it's really sweet.

But.

On Saturday I closed a tab in firefox by accident and couldn't find again, so I went rummaging in my history and was shocked to find a couple of links to a porn site in my history! I thought maybe it was DP one evening, so I checked the time and date, and it was the other Thursday afternoon when I popped into to work for an hour, and my friend watched DS.

Now I'm not offended by porn in itself (I do understand there are exploitation issues etc, but they aren't really my main concern atm), nor am I even particularly bothered by the fact he accessed porn on my computer when I wasn't there. I am however concerned about DS being exposed to pornography at the tender age of 23 months. I know DS wasn't napping, because he has morning naps most of the time.

What would you do? I can hardly bear to bring it up with my friend ("So, the porn you watched the other day on my pc, any good? Good, now don't ever watch it again when DS around please" eww no) but equally I now don't feel entirely comfortable leaving him with DS iyswim. Surely it's kind of obvious that you don't watch porn around a toddler? I don't really know what to do about it. It would harshly suck to lose my only babysitter, but I'm not comfortable with this. It's possible DS was playing in his room so couldn't see anything, but I don't know...

help me please!

OP posts:
Siriusmewandtinseltoo · 08/12/2008 08:48

Could you put a lock on the computer? I had to do this when my BIL was staying with us. I said i was trying out the securit features.

ClausImWorthIt · 08/12/2008 08:50

Put a password on it so that he can't use it.

starbear · 08/12/2008 08:52

What does your DP think?

crankycrane · 08/12/2008 08:53

I agree with the others ,stop access to your computer

Original poster
mindalina · 08/12/2008 08:55

Yeah I could password it I guess, but that is going to seem like really strange behaviour on my part tbh. My PC is almost always on, and anyone can use it when they're here. It's going to seem weird I've suddenly locked it down.

OP posts:
juicyjolly · 08/12/2008 08:56

Yuuukkkkkkkk Not when babysitting for a toddler in the afternoon! Couldn't he wait a bloody hour.

I always say 'go with your gut feeling'.

I know what my guts would be telling me, bye bye to the babysitting friend, find someone else who can 'hold on' until they can find a better time and place!

Original poster
mindalina · 08/12/2008 08:56

DP did a face like this

He agrees it's weird and inappropriate, but no answers from him about what to do.

OP posts:
ClausImWorthIt · 08/12/2008 08:58

If he asks you why it's suddenly unavailable, you can say "well someone has been accessing porn and I'm not happy about it".

If lots of other people have been using your computer then you don't have to directly accuse him of doing so, and it's not an unreasonable reason to make it unavailable.

Original poster
mindalina · 08/12/2008 09:04

Well Claus, fair point, but I only have two friends really, so when I say anyone, that's not really a huge circle of people as such [loser] And if I did say what you suggest, he would know instantly, cos my other friend wouldn't be accessing porn while she was here.

I think I will just have to stop getting him to babysit. He only ever watches DS for an hour or two at most, and it sucks for me cos I've no-one else around to babysit, but that's just life I guess.

It will be hard though, because he offers all the time! I should mention, in the poor guy's defence, he has babysat countless times and (according to my internet history) only accessed porn once.

OP posts:
kormaisforlifenotjustchristmas · 08/12/2008 09:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lizzylou · 08/12/2008 09:07

I would feel very wierd about this, BUT could he have been sent an email link/opened a link from another site and that opened the porn site?
The only way you get to keep your babysitter/put your mind at rest is if you speak with him.

Original poster
mindalina · 08/12/2008 09:11

There were three seperate entries in the history - same site different videos. So unlikely to be accidental.

I'd like to confront him tbh - as I said in my OP, I don't care that he watched porn on my pc - I care that DS might have seen it.

I just don't know how to approach it. Korma you're right, your approach may well be best.

OP posts:
littleducks · 08/12/2008 09:11

im not tech minded, dh does my security settings but is it possible he didnt 'view' it but downloaded and saved it? put it on disc/stick whatever?

i hate porn but i think there is a diff between sitting and watching and copying for later or something.

Original poster
mindalina · 08/12/2008 09:12

Possible but unlikely Littleducks - afaik he doesn't carry a memory stick or anything and he's got a computer with a broadband connection at home, so can't see the need really.

OP posts:
Lizzylou · 08/12/2008 09:19

IT is very strange then, go with Korma's plan.
It just seems odd that he couldn't wait until he got home (I was assuming that he had no internet access at home), and porn videos are not the thing to be watching whilst looking after children.

VinegarSantaGropedMyTits · 08/12/2008 09:19

Erm, i sorry but i wouldnt be pussy (no pun intended) footing around someone who was looking at porn while babysitting for me!

I would flippin well tell him straight, and i would certainly have no quarms about password protecting my pc. Its highly inapropriate and he should be told so.

juicyjolly · 08/12/2008 09:24

What bothers me is if he felt the need to look at it at that particular time, then what else did he feel the need to do at that time as, iyswim. That thought frightens me even more.

ABudafulSightWereHappyTonight · 08/12/2008 09:24

It would worry me I'm afraid. Why would you get the urge to look at porn whilst babysitting an energetic toddler?

HangingbaublesofBethlehem · 08/12/2008 09:24

I would be extremely concerned about leaving my child with someone who is looking at porn when they should be babysitting. At the very least, how on earth can they be focusing on looking after your little boy when they are doing that? How far did it go? Did he sit there masturbating? Sorry to be blunt but I was exposed to porn at a young age and it has had far reaching consequences in my life- it needs to be stopped now. I don't have a problem with porn per se, but do have a big problem with people who can't wait and think it doesn't matter if children are witness to this very adult activity.

juicyjolly · 08/12/2008 09:26

Hanging...Much better said than I did. I agree with you completely.

snowcrystal · 08/12/2008 09:31

Unless it was accidental its completely inappropriate and raises issues about his judgement and behaviour.
Turn the computer off,say it has a virus perhaps which is likely anyway.
You're thinking too much about your "friend" and not enough about your ds.I'd be livid.
You could chat to him but I doubt you'd get the full story.He is not babysitting material.

LedodgyChristmasjumper · 08/12/2008 09:44

I'd be very concerned.

  1. he was supposed to be watching your toddler
  2. He was watching porn when he was supposed to be watching your toddler.
3.Where the hell was your toddler while he was watching porn?

There's no way i'd let him babysit again and i'd be questioning him about it.

Original poster
mindalina · 08/12/2008 09:49

"How far did it go? Did he sit there masturbating?" Yeah that was one of my first thoughts. I can't see it somehow, but it is what you think, isn't it?

I just think he's made a really bad call with this. I really don't think he's a bad person, or a paedophile, or anything like that. But I don't want DS to see that sort of thing, and really stumped as to how to bring it up in conversation, beyond lobbing in before offer of tea as per Korma's suggestion.

Snowcrystal, what exactly do you think is the "full story" here?

OP posts:
Jux · 08/12/2008 09:50

If you lock the computer so he can't access it, he'll know why, won't he? So you won't have to say anything to him. Actions speak louder than words in this case.

If he asks why, you can just say, "I think you know" and leave it at that.

LedodgyChristmasjumper · 08/12/2008 09:50

I think as he's an old friend of your dp's , your dp needs to approach him and tell him how inappropriate it was.