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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel a bit icky about this? What would you do?

199 replies

mindalina · 08/12/2008 08:35

I've got a friend who occasionally babysits for me. He's an old friend of DP's who I've also known for around four or five years now. I trust him completely with DS - DS adores him, it's really sweet.

But.

On Saturday I closed a tab in firefox by accident and couldn't find again, so I went rummaging in my history and was shocked to find a couple of links to a porn site in my history! I thought maybe it was DP one evening, so I checked the time and date, and it was the other Thursday afternoon when I popped into to work for an hour, and my friend watched DS.

Now I'm not offended by porn in itself (I do understand there are exploitation issues etc, but they aren't really my main concern atm), nor am I even particularly bothered by the fact he accessed porn on my computer when I wasn't there. I am however concerned about DS being exposed to pornography at the tender age of 23 months. I know DS wasn't napping, because he has morning naps most of the time.

What would you do? I can hardly bear to bring it up with my friend ("So, the porn you watched the other day on my pc, any good? Good, now don't ever watch it again when DS around please" eww no) but equally I now don't feel entirely comfortable leaving him with DS iyswim. Surely it's kind of obvious that you don't watch porn around a toddler? I don't really know what to do about it. It would harshly suck to lose my only babysitter, but I'm not comfortable with this. It's possible DS was playing in his room so couldn't see anything, but I don't know...

help me please!

OP posts:
Chrysanthamum · 08/12/2008 13:27

I wouldn't have him babysitting again. Its totally inappropriate and someone with the cheek to access porn on your computer in the presence of your child cant be that sweet. Lose him!

nigeltuffnell · 08/12/2008 13:39

If I were you I would talk to him about it.
IF he accidently opened a link whilst having a good reason to be checking his e-mail, that's one thing, IF he decided to have a wank whilst looking after your son, you have a problem.

Until you know, it's hard to say what to do...

I would have to know or would be really uncomfortable around him, esp in the prescence of DS.

ThePregnantMerryYuleWitch · 08/12/2008 13:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Lotster · 08/12/2008 13:44

Good point Nigel.

Looking through the history might tell you if it was a page that he went straight to, or one that opened after he checked his inbox.

Either way those pages can cause real problems for your computer, viruses etc so maybe he should be told off!

sticksantaupyourchimney · 08/12/2008 14:28

I have porn in my house. When DS was a very tiny baby I used to occasionally do my adult-DVD reviewing with him in the room on the grounds that a 6-week-old baby can barely focus on the TV screen let alone make any sense of what's on it, or be alarmed by it.
Once he got to about a year old, I didn't watch any till he was in bed and asleep, and I now confine all my mags to my home-office.

While I think it was thoughtless and impolite of this bloke to look at porn on someone else's computer (as Lotster says, most porn sites are riddled with viruses), I really think there is some knicker-wettingly hysterical over-reaction on here.

claw3 · 08/12/2008 14:34

Stick - Did you not find it a bit off putting, having a baby in the same room, albeit a 6 week old?

thenewme · 08/12/2008 14:37

I would totally lock down the computer and if they asked why, tell them.

I am not happy wthat you looked at porn while you were babysitting my awake child.

Worrying about their response should be the least of your worries.

sticksantaupyourchimney · 08/12/2008 14:38

Claw: to clarify, I was watching the DVDs in order to write reviews of them for a magazine, not for the purpose of giving myself a quick thrill. So I was scribbling notes to myself about cast lists and locations and props in between feeding DS and pausing the film for a quick nappy change.

claw3 · 08/12/2008 14:44

Oh right!

This is the bit i dont get, sexy thoughts would be the last thing on my mind with a toddler running around! (not you, the babysitting guy)

Iloveautumn · 08/12/2008 14:55

This is a tiny child left alone with an adult - why should the adult be given the benefit of the doubt here??????

God, how many children are abused by their carers and in this instance a parent has actual evidence of inappropriate behaviour and yet some are still saying they would leave their child with this man again????

I genuinely cannot understand this attitude at all.

objectnativity · 08/12/2008 14:58

I'd set him up a user account with his photo as the icon and the title 'porn appreciators'

elliott · 08/12/2008 15:02

Actually I agree. I don't think it is hysterical (or indeed 'knicker-wetting') to suggest that this person has demonstrated themselves unfit to babysit a small child. It IS obvious that you don't watch porn around a toddler.
I do agree that it is most likely that this represents foolish misjudgement rather than something more sinister. But, it would be naive not to consider other explanations. And I don't think trying to discuss it with the man in question is likely to prove particularly enlightening.
Therefore, I think the only course of action is not to use the man as a babysitter again.

(also, remember he is 23 and not 16...)

doggiesayswoof · 08/12/2008 15:07

I'm with the merryyulewitch and custy here. Some posters are being a leetle bit ott.

Just ask him not to do it again and/or stick a password on the pc.

WifeandMotherof4 · 08/12/2008 15:39

I don't think he's a paedophile on the basis that he looked at porn whilst looking after a toddler... but I would wonder how he was taking care of my toddler and where my dc was whilst he was accessing porn.
My dcs would be too precious to risk with such an irresponsible adult and I would have a nagging doubt that it was far more sinister. It's hard enough to trust people with your dcs but when they provoke any doubt then it's not worth the risk.

BitOfFun · 08/12/2008 15:42

I totally agree, WAM4- it would just make me really uneasy, and why take that risk? I'm pretty laid back about most things, and I don't have a habit of shrieking paedo all the time by any means, but I would just never feel comfortable leaving him to babysit ever again.

megnog · 08/12/2008 15:58

Would you feel comfortable leaving your child at a nursery where the workers were watching porn whilst looking after your child?

I think his behaviour is inappropriate in the situation. Yes, it might be completely normal behaviour for a youn man, but not for a young man looking after a child.

If I were you I woulnd't let him look after my child again. I'm rubbish at confrontation with friends, I'm always wanting to keep things on an even keel, so while I'd really want to say something, more than likely I'd take the coward's way out and just not let him babysit again.

I think it's interesting that he offers to babysit all the time. Why is that do you think? He obviously isn't enjoying playing games with your child if he's on the computer. Why is he so keen?

pregapuss · 08/12/2008 16:04

I think it is very inaproiate. I am 21 and none of my friends have such a lack of control they couldn't wait an hour. And my DH is 24 and would never do that in front of out DD (1 year).

I would never leave my child here again.

Unless maybe you could find a way of finding out if your DS was definatly awake? Maybe just lie and say you have been trying to work out a new routine so wanted to know if he slept or something?

If he wasn't asleep I would be very worried and annoyed.

chosenone · 08/12/2008 16:42

I agree that is very wrong, very weird and even if theres a one in a million chance that there's something sinister going on why risk it? abuse happens frequently by people children know and parents trus tand more rarely by strangers! Even if he was totally bored (and he offers to sit all the time? ) and feeling totally frisky you'd wait surely?? You'd know it was inappropriate, you just would! He needs a talking to for the safeguarding of your son!

rhinosparkle · 08/12/2008 22:56

Yes there's nothing wrong with it. After all Karen Matthews & her twat of a boyf watched porn all day & they were excellent babysitters

MN is mad, whenever child hurt on the news everyone goes nuts but suggest a child should be protected & somehow it's an OTT 'knicker wetting' hysteria!

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 08/12/2008 23:26

good point rhino

I also don't feel the OP should be screaming paedo, but this is inappropriate behaviour whilst babysitting.

If you find it too difficult to directly confront him, just freeze him out of babysitting duties. If he asks why, tell him your concerns. His reaction will speak volumes.

Personally, I would rather directly tell him you found porn sites on the PC and you know it was when he was there. You don't have to feel bad, it was your house. He is the one with some explaining to do.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 08/12/2008 23:30

Actually, that sounds a bit too mild for me.

I would be very angry that he had accessed porn in my house.

Is porn so normalised amongst the yoof these days, they do it almost unthinkingly, like reading the fucking newspaper, or scratching a likkle itch ?????????

Ohh, makes me angry. And before anyone jumps me and says "stuffed shirt, porn is fine blah blah", I am actually pretty neutral to the idea. I just think there is a time and place !!!!

egypt · 08/12/2008 23:43

yes, i thought of the worst situation but don't you have to ? this is the safety of a child. how many times have you heard the phrase 'he seemed so nice and normal'.

i don't know him and neither do any of you that are saying we are over reacting.

blinks · 08/12/2008 23:54

my weirdy radar is beeping... beep beep beep

i find it really strange that even though the OP is certain he has been accessing porn whilst looking after her child, she feels he's still to be trusted and is a decent guy.

AND

her partner's ambivalence towards tackling his (perv) friend over the issue is bizarre.

it's also very unlikely that's the only time he's done it. if the OP is 100% she's got her times/dates right and it could only have been him, to not protect her child from exposure to such a person is neglectful and worrying.

dittany · 09/12/2008 00:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NCRedBreastedBirdy · 09/12/2008 01:29

At this risk of being accused of "knicker Wetting" I would also be tempted to file a report with the police/ss (whoever is relevant). Not because I think this particular incident is bad enough for police involvment but because, if there are a catalogue of small complaints then it may be worth investigating further - if there are not then they will do nothing with it (unless something else comes up later).

After all, it is all the little things that are often ignored that could actually make a difference to catching someone before something serious happens.

I do agree that it is very odd that Ops dh is not more moved by it - I would have thought most men would be moved to violence or at least revulsion by something like this...