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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel a bit icky about this? What would you do?

199 replies

mindalina · 08/12/2008 08:35

I've got a friend who occasionally babysits for me. He's an old friend of DP's who I've also known for around four or five years now. I trust him completely with DS - DS adores him, it's really sweet.

But.

On Saturday I closed a tab in firefox by accident and couldn't find again, so I went rummaging in my history and was shocked to find a couple of links to a porn site in my history! I thought maybe it was DP one evening, so I checked the time and date, and it was the other Thursday afternoon when I popped into to work for an hour, and my friend watched DS.

Now I'm not offended by porn in itself (I do understand there are exploitation issues etc, but they aren't really my main concern atm), nor am I even particularly bothered by the fact he accessed porn on my computer when I wasn't there. I am however concerned about DS being exposed to pornography at the tender age of 23 months. I know DS wasn't napping, because he has morning naps most of the time.

What would you do? I can hardly bear to bring it up with my friend ("So, the porn you watched the other day on my pc, any good? Good, now don't ever watch it again when DS around please" eww no) but equally I now don't feel entirely comfortable leaving him with DS iyswim. Surely it's kind of obvious that you don't watch porn around a toddler? I don't really know what to do about it. It would harshly suck to lose my only babysitter, but I'm not comfortable with this. It's possible DS was playing in his room so couldn't see anything, but I don't know...

help me please!

OP posts:
NCRedBreastedBirdy · 08/12/2008 11:41

Forgive me if I am being stupid here;

You left a man in charge of your toddler.
The man then viewed porn, you are fairly sure your child was awake.

WTF is going on that ANY of you are advising the OP not to make a big deal. Just say oh don't do it again?

Yes it would suck to loose your baby sitter but it would suck a lot more to loose your childs innocence.

Those of you saying you find it hard to believe that anything went on Why? Based on What?

It is simple. You tell the person that it is completely out of order and that you cannot allow him to slook after your ds because ot it. You are very sorry if it was just a quick peek or whatever but you cannot tale the risk.

Yes he should be embarresed, yes he should be made to feel small. If he had stuck in a DVD wit a child there you would all be hopping up and down!

If he had done it in an empty houe that was not his you would be saying, ooh that's not nice.

But he didn't, he did it in front of a child. You have NO background on this guy, he could be on the SOR, he could have served time, or he could be a good kind man. The point is in the abcence of any EVIDENCE to the contray youhave to vew it at face value.

THE FACTS

A person came into yur house and viewed porn whilst alone with your child.

NUFF SAID

gabygirl · 08/12/2008 11:46

I wouldn't have this person care for my child again.

Watching porn while you're babysitting? With your child awake and in the same room?

BitOfFun · 08/12/2008 11:47

Pregnantmerryulewitch- of course not, but you surely see how inappropriate in the context of babysitting, and wouldn't you want to protect your dc if there was an incident like this which raised reasonable suspicion? I wouldn't not allow a man to babysit, knowing he might look at porn on a Saturday night, but if he is linking the activity with my child in any way, sorry, but that's totally out of order and I'd be a bit bloody remiss as a parent to invite him to do it again!

elliott · 08/12/2008 11:51

personally I think if he is supervising a 23 month old who is awake, then he shouldn't be surfing the internet at all! Not even to buy his granny a christmas present!!
I'm afraid I am also with BitofFun. I can't see any reason why a responsible babysitter could possibly think it was ok to look at porn whilst babysitting. Big Red Flag to me too. I mean you would hardly expect a babysitter to casually get out their porn mags and flick through them whilst looking after a toddler would you? What possible reason could they have that is acceptable behaviour?

NCRedBreastedBirdy · 08/12/2008 11:55

Witch, actually no-one is saying he is! They are saying it is out of order, which it is!

headscrewedonmum · 08/12/2008 11:57

I agree with the above posters, to be looking at porn whilst looking after an awake toddler is (imo) out of order.

How would you feel if he was wanking and your DS copied him?

Iloveautumn · 08/12/2008 12:09

In answer to OP, ie what would I do?

  1. NEVER EVER let him look after my child again.
  1. Get DP to confront him and find out what the hell was going on. (I say DP as you state that he is an old friend of your DP) He should be confronted as he should be made aware of just how unacceptable this is if he didn't already realise.

I would consider myself a terrible parent if I ever trusted this man around my child again. There is no way that a normal person does not know that looking at porn while babysitting is so beyond appropriate.

I'm totally shocked that you even need to question what your response should be. Your responsibility is to protect your child.

edam · 08/12/2008 12:14

Yuck. Agree with those who say don't let him babysit again - even if there's nothing sinister about it in terms of child porn, it's completely wrong, wrong, wrong, to do this when you are looking after a child. It would worry me that he couldn't even wait an hour fgs, is he addicted or something? Or just completely stupid? Either make him unsuitable as a babysitter.

spicemonster · 08/12/2008 12:34

I think it's out of order to watch porn with a toddler around, especially if he was only looking after him for an hour. I don't think I'd want my DS to be cared for by someone who displayed such a chronic lack of judgement

SammyK · 08/12/2008 12:44

This person would not be left alone with my ds again.

It is your duty to put your child's needs and innocence first rather than worry about this 'friend'.

WifeandMotherof4 · 08/12/2008 12:47

Porn and babysitting an awake toddler means you no longer have a babysitter.

nappyaddict · 08/12/2008 12:50

TBH I think it is out of order to watch porn on someone elses computer toddler or no toddler.

Tortington · 08/12/2008 12:50

think everyone is being a bit ott tbh.

it was stupid. tell him not to do it again.

if you can't face confrontation or can't set a password, take the fuse out.

i'll let you all get maniac about it....carry on...

shergar · 08/12/2008 12:51

There's no way I would have this man near my child unsupervised again if it was me. It's a huge red flag.

BitOfFun · 08/12/2008 12:54

Really custy? I don't normally go all daily mail on people, but I think this one is quite sinister. I like your straightforward take on these boards, but I reckon you're wrong on this one, sorry!

spicemonster · 08/12/2008 13:02

I don't think it's a Big Red Flag like some have said but I would expect someone to be able to look after a toddler for an hour without watching porn videos. Actually I agree with nappyaddict - I'd be pissed off if someone used my PC to access porn at all without my knowledge

Tortington · 08/12/2008 13:04

exactly spicemonster.

sinister is rather a strong term, not one i would use.

claw3 · 08/12/2008 13:13

I dont get why any man would want to get aroused with a toddler running around, most men would avoid it like the plague!

BitOfFun · 08/12/2008 13:19

Exactly- weird!!

egypt · 08/12/2008 13:19

Why was he feeling turned on in the presence of your ds in the first place to warrant the need to watch the porn? my god. confront him and get rid.

Lotster · 08/12/2008 13:20

I would be relieved it's adults he's in to for a start.
And irritated he did it whist looking after your child. It's innapropriate.

If it was my child I wouldn't think it showed he was in any danger. But that is your decision alone so I'm not telling you what to think there.

If you don't want to confront him and make things uncomfortable, then simply have the PC off and password protected next time.

He will know.

Tortington · 08/12/2008 13:21

fucking hell egypt - leap much?

gabygirl · 08/12/2008 13:22

Find myself seriously disturbed at thought of man watching a porn film and whacking off, or just sitting there with a stonking hard on while playing with/talking to someone else's small child........

spicemonster · 08/12/2008 13:24

I think some of you are slightly over-exaggerating the effect of cheap porn on most blokes. Suspect mildy titillated is more likely than a stonking hard on

claw3 · 08/12/2008 13:26

Spice - The guy is 23, feel a breeze on it and its stonking!!