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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel a bit icky about this? What would you do?

199 replies

mindalina · 08/12/2008 08:35

I've got a friend who occasionally babysits for me. He's an old friend of DP's who I've also known for around four or five years now. I trust him completely with DS - DS adores him, it's really sweet.

But.

On Saturday I closed a tab in firefox by accident and couldn't find again, so I went rummaging in my history and was shocked to find a couple of links to a porn site in my history! I thought maybe it was DP one evening, so I checked the time and date, and it was the other Thursday afternoon when I popped into to work for an hour, and my friend watched DS.

Now I'm not offended by porn in itself (I do understand there are exploitation issues etc, but they aren't really my main concern atm), nor am I even particularly bothered by the fact he accessed porn on my computer when I wasn't there. I am however concerned about DS being exposed to pornography at the tender age of 23 months. I know DS wasn't napping, because he has morning naps most of the time.

What would you do? I can hardly bear to bring it up with my friend ("So, the porn you watched the other day on my pc, any good? Good, now don't ever watch it again when DS around please" eww no) but equally I now don't feel entirely comfortable leaving him with DS iyswim. Surely it's kind of obvious that you don't watch porn around a toddler? I don't really know what to do about it. It would harshly suck to lose my only babysitter, but I'm not comfortable with this. It's possible DS was playing in his room so couldn't see anything, but I don't know...

help me please!

OP posts:
blinks · 08/12/2008 09:54

i'd be wanting DP to have a word with him.

Original poster
mindalina · 08/12/2008 09:55

Sadly I can't see DP doing that. While he's been friends with the guy for longer than me, I now spend more time with the guy and it is of course me who ropes him in as babysitter. DP will place this burden firmly on my shoulders, hence asking here for advice.

OP posts:
piscesmoon · 08/12/2008 10:01

I would find other babysitters. I wouldn't be comfortable with someone accessing porn when they are supposed to be looking after my DC.

sunnygirl1412 · 08/12/2008 10:04

What about using NetNanny or one of the other similar parental controls, so that he can't access dodgy sites on your pc but could, for example, have a browse on ebay.

I would be horrified if I found a babysitter had accessed porn whilst caring for my children, but I can quite understand how it would be a difficult issue to raise directly - so perhaps the indirect approach, of barring access to dodgy sites/searches, might be the easiest way forward.

snowcrystal · 08/12/2008 10:04

Well he didn't ask your permission,didn't tell you about it so is unlikely to tell you anyhing he doesn't have to IMO.
BTW how old is he?If he's very younglike under20, it could be immaturity andan error of judgement,if he's in his late 20s its a total no no.

LedodgyChristmasjumper · 08/12/2008 10:05

You need to speak to him and tell him that he's betrayed your trust.

The crux of it is you do not know what he was doing:

-He may have just been absent mindly browsing porn whilst your ds was playing.

  • He may have been browsing and wanking whilst your ds was playing.
  • At worst he was turned on by the fact your ds was in the room whilst he was watching porn or showing your ds the porn. I know it's a horrible thought but you do not know for definate he didn't do this and this is the position he's put you in.
headscrewedonmum · 08/12/2008 10:07

What if he was masturbating in front of DS?

Sorry to say that but you never know.

sticksantaupyourchimney · 08/12/2008 10:09

I think it is extremely unlikely that there was anything remotely sinister going on here (if there was anything suggestive of 'child porn' in the sites accessed the OP would have mentioned it).
The DS was probably napping and the babysitter decided to check his emails; someone had sent him a lik and he followed it and, without really thinking about it, had a nosey around the site.
BTW, accidental brief exposure to a bit of porn won't do DC much harm unless the adults in question make a huge big squawking deal out of it. 'Meh!' is the most likely reaction of a young chld to an inadvertent glimpse of someone's arse or willy.

LedodgyChristmasjumper · 08/12/2008 10:12

It doesn't have to be child porn though. Lots of people have posted on this site about how abusers made them sit and watch porn (normal porn).

juicyjolly · 08/12/2008 10:16

Surely if DS was napping the op would have known about it, she was only gone an hour after all.

CruellaDevile · 08/12/2008 10:19

I wouldn't let him babysit again.

It is not acceptable to watch porn while babysitting. If he doesn't know this he's not the kind of man you should be trusting with your child imo.

snowcrystal · 08/12/2008 10:23

I don't know what the "full story" is mindalina,the point is neither do you and you can't be sure this man will tell you it .

claw3 · 08/12/2008 10:25

Alarm bells would be ringing for me. Totally inappropriate and makes me feel very uncomfortable. I wouldnt be asking him to babysit again.

Original poster
mindalina · 08/12/2008 10:26

No, it was just bog standard straight man's porn. Crap porn, if you ask me, but meh.

I am reasonably confident DS wasn't napping, because the time of day was wrong. DS naps in the morning, and I went into work in the afternoon.

Agree DS not likely to be phased by one inadvertant glimpse of a penis, but that's not really the point here. A year ago I probably wouldn't have batted an eyelid, as DS would be far too young to notice or take it in. But now I think he's a bit too observant for this to pass him by. And I think that for a child who doesn't understand the mechanics of sex, then pornography could be found very threatening and distressing tbh.

I'm not personally thinking that this is a sinister thing - as I said already I really don't think this guy is any sort of paedophile. I'm not having some massive gut instinct to keep this man away from my child forever now. I do think it's at very least a whopping great error in judgement on his part, and it does make me feel very uncomfortable.

Oh and my friend is 23.

OP posts:
reindeercantdancethetango · 08/12/2008 10:26

Agree with Cruella.

claw3 · 08/12/2008 10:32

Mindalina - Firstly i would be worried that he wasnt actually watching my child.

Secondly i would be worried by the fact he was feeling at all sexy in the presence of a child and wasnt bothered about become aroused in front of him.

snowcrystal · 08/12/2008 10:40

The good thing is you've found out about it and no harm seems to have been done
You might still see him as a friend but he's not a suitable babysitter.

nappyaddict · 08/12/2008 10:42

could it be that he accidentally went onto a porn site through clicking on a link in an email or something. i did that once and now porn sites keep popping up all over the place.

sticksantaupyourchimney · 08/12/2008 10:45

23 is young enough to be thoughtless rather than anything else. Probably best to say something light to him like, oi matey, were you having a wank when you were supposed to be babysitting? You'd better not do it again!
He will be mortified and it will never happen again.

ThePregnantMerryYuleWitch · 08/12/2008 11:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

scattercushion · 08/12/2008 11:16

Completely besides the point but I like your use of the phrase 'harshly suck' in the context .

Could it be that the time on your PC clock is wrong? Mine is btw.

jingleMAMADIVAsbells · 08/12/2008 11:24

I wouldn't have him babysitting again TBH he obviously is not that interested in looking after your DS when he's sitting on his arse looking at porn!

I would ask him about it but inadvertantly, say you had a virus and you checked the history to see if you could find out where it came from, you saw those sites and noticed the date/time was whilst he was babysitting does he remember any pop ups or anything that could have been a virus, then metnion that you are not happy that it was accessed whilst he was supposed to be baysitting your DS.

But dont take what he says as the truth and certainly dont let him babysit again.

BitOfFun · 08/12/2008 11:29

Good point about the time, worth checking. However, I would be very suspicious of any male (sorry but it is more likely) babysitter who is "always offering" and is accessing porn while he's doing it. Big Red Flag in my opinion. Unpleasant though it is to contemplate, it is true that paedophiles put themselves in a position of trust so as to be above suspicion from parents, so if it was me, he would never be alone with my kids again. Again, sorry to sound alarmist, but that is the only way to safeguard against this horrible possibility

ThePregnantMerryYuleWitch · 08/12/2008 11:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

devoutsceptic · 08/12/2008 11:36

He was looking after a small, awake child for just one hour, and during that brief time, went on your computer and watched three separate porn videos? This is so inappropriate I don't really know where to start! Where is your computer? People only watch porn to get turned on and as aids to masturbation. And he's doing this with a small child around?