To feel a bit icky about this? What would you do?

[mindalina]

I've got a friend who occasionally babysits for me. He's an old friend of DP's who I've also known for around four or five years now. I trust him completely with DS - DS adores him, it's really sweet.

But.

On Saturday I closed a tab in firefox by accident and couldn't find again, so I went rummaging in my history and was shocked to find a couple of links to a porn site in my history! I thought maybe it was DP one evening, so I checked the time and date, and it was the other Thursday afternoon when I popped into to work for an hour, and my friend watched DS.

Now I'm not offended by porn in itself (I do understand there are exploitation issues etc, but they aren't really my main concern atm), nor am I even particularly bothered by the fact he accessed porn on my computer when I wasn't there. I am however concerned about DS being exposed to pornography at the tender age of 23 months. I know DS wasn't napping, because he has morning naps most of the time.

What would you do? I can hardly bear to bring it up with my friend ("So, the porn you watched the other day on my pc, any good? Good, now don't ever watch it again when DS around please" eww no) but equally I now don't feel entirely comfortable leaving him with DS iyswim. Surely it's kind of obvious that you don't watch porn around a toddler? I don't really know what to do about it. It would harshly suck to lose my only babysitter, but I'm not comfortable with this. It's possible DS was playing in his room so couldn't see anything, but I don't know...

help me please!

Wow! I'm astounded by all these responses. Thank you all for your input, it really is much appreciated, and apologies for disappearing all day - had family to visit and work this evening.

Just to clarify/respond to a couple of points as best I can. (Not in any particular order, I might add, it's late and you all have so much to say!)

Firstly, I am almost certain that all my time and date settings are correct, and I checked against my calendar to make sure it was the day I was thinking of (re going into work during the day).

Secondly, "pestering to babysit" is a bit strong - he offers from time to time to watch DS for me for various reasons - I have very little in the way of a support network round here and also not great at asking for help (much easier to accept an existing offer than ask, iyswim) and I like to think he offers out of friendship and the desire to help, as opposed to getting an opportunity to fiddle with my son.

Thirdly, again I am almost certain he navigated directly to the page based on my viewing the history, which was admittedly at the weekend and I haven't looked since, although that said it could just have easily been a msn link as an email one.

Fourthly, both my partner and I are very aware that sexual abuse is normally perpertrated by someone close to home, sadly, ime, due to personal experience. So please, don't think I'm closing my eyes to the potential dangers. I can't speak for DP on that, I've barely seen him today.

Fifthly (this is getting daft, should have used bullet points) he does play with my son, I've seen this with my own eyes - they play wonderfully together and DS simply ADORES this man, he's always talking about him and desperate for him to visit. It's entirely possible he spent five minutes looking at porn and then the other hour and twenty five minutes (or however long it was) playing nicely with DS. There were only three pages of a porn site viewed, find it hard to believe that's an hour and a half worth of viewing on a free site tbh.
Also think it's not necessarily that odd to find yourself aroused whilst in the company of a child, presuming you're not aroused by the child, iyswim? Could have been bloody Sarah-Jane off Higgledy House that did for him, tbf. She does for DP

Sixthly (not a word I don't think) our flat is tiny, even if DS is in his room pottering about while I piss about on mumsnet I can see and hear him easily, so not a supervision issue per se. I've no objections to my babysitter checking facebook, or playing wow, or w/e, while babysitting, due to size of flat.

To those who point out it is the little things - I know - and I can assure you I will not forget this incident. However, I do think reporting him to the police is an over-reaction at this point.

All that said, I am going to avoid having him babysit at least for a while, as while I am reasonably confident this was merely(!) a catastrophic error in judgement as opposed to paedophilia, I do not want DS exposed to porn and am not comfortable bringing it up with my friend as yet.

Thanks again for your input. Those of you who see something more sinister here than I do, please be assured that I am aware of the potential risks and am acting accordingly.

I am glad you are thinking it through, I am just wondering though (in a wondering way not a provoking way) how do you think you will be made to be confident that this is an error of judgement? I don't see how a persons behviour can make that clear?

I do have to say though (I tried to hold back but I can't sorry ) if your flat is small enough that you can see ds from the computer doesn't that mean that ds can see the computer easily too? I mean it is notlike it is in a private area or anything..? (I am really trying not to be at all provocative here!)

But in all seriousness, does it occur to the average 23 year old male (and he is my good friend, don't get me wrong, but he ain't the sharpest knife in the drawer) realise that watching five or ten minutes of porn while babysitting flags him up as a paedophile? It probably wouldn't occur to me without a) my own experiences and b) being a parent - I honestly have found that becoming a parent has made me see so many things differently, and so many things as unacceptable whereas before I would have wondered "what's the fuss about?", you know?

I don't honestly know about having him babysit again at the moment. I also spoke to DP's sis and her other half about this today who both know him well (that's the otehr thing actually, DP and his sis have been friends with this guy for YEARS, so actually yes I do know he hasn't spent time in prison or made it onto the sex offender's register) and BIL mentioned some things about effects I might notice in DS (which in his opinion weren't there, not that he's a professional obviously). DS has been unsettled lately, as I have started working nights and so he has had to get used to dealing with DP instead of me if he wakes up at night. So at the moment I suppose I'm sort of thinking I will observe DS carefully to ensure he is a happy boy, and see how I feel in a few weeks/months/however long. Please also remember, that this man is sometimes the ONLY option I have for babysitting, so if I don't have a babysitter, I don't go wherever - now that's fine if it's something social we're talking about, but not so good for a work meeting or w/e. So presuming he is just a misguided twerp rather than anything more sinister, I am losing a much-needed (and I will reiterate - much-loved by DS) babysitter. Which is shit. But obviously not as shit as having my son fucked up by being sexually abused at the age of 2 - hence my caution. But do you understand why this is a dilemma for me? If I had a plethora of babysitters of course I'd kick him to the curb just for being a berk about it, but I don't. And DS ADORES him. Which makes it hard to believe he's mucking about him.

I apologise if this is garbled. I should go to bed really, but still awake from work. Not that with it though, obviously

no it's fine, I don't mind you asking at all! Gosh I don't know really how to explain this well, but basically our living room is the very middle of our flat, with everything leading off from it, so there are doors everywhere. The computer desk is almost half way down one wall, but it's abig desk (houses two pcs) so sort of cuts the room in half iyswim? So you can be sitting at the computer with DS behind the desk but still visible. Also DS's room is obv off the living room, so you can see in but he couldn't possibly see the pc screen. Make sense?

i think to let a lack of available babysitters inform your decision towards your child's safety is neglectful.

can't help thinking that you would feel different if you had a daughter instead of a son...

'Also think it's not necessarily that odd to find yourself aroused whilst in the company of a child' But most men would think of Maggie Thatcher or something to get rid of the arousal, not enhance it surely?

Im not saying the guy is a paedo, but totally inappropriate behaviour. Knowing what you know, if its a chance your willing to take, then so be it.

Just a little comment:
Sometimes we hear of websites from friends, and are egged on by "you MUST look at this site!" "It's dreadful!", and with our curiousity piqued by such descriptions, we look. And then, after looking a bit, we go "eeough". And decide it's not our bag after all. And don't look again.

I've lost count of the number of YouTube clips that people have recommended me, with promises of side-splitting laughter, which clips have been dull beyond belief (to my mind). But I did look at them to start with. I really don't bother any more.

I wouldn't rule out the perfectly stupid explanation that your friend looked at a site because he'd heard it was great, and because he thought he had five mins whilst your son was playing out of view of the screen, and after trying a couple of the pages, he thought "bah!" or "eeeough" or "crikey, that's dreadful". Or whatever.

If you're bothered, mention it in passing. Say, "thanks for babysitting, but hey, no porn sites next time!".

He's just a young bloke, and sometimes their rampant testosterone does make them do something ill-advised. I could imagine one of my brothers having a sneaky look at a porn site and then going "no way!". When one of them was younger he threw a brick through a window. He really, really wouldn't do that again!

jesus christ, he's 23 not 14.

Oh, another thought - the husband of one of my friends is absolutely adored by my DD. She throws herself at him everytime she sees hom.. He quite likes it. We think it's funny. He kisses his own daughter (also 2yr old) on the lips. He once did that to my daughter. It's just my feeling, but I didn't like a bloke kissing my daughter (pecking) on the lips. Sounds dodgy etc, but the guy is lovely, he's a surgeon, completely responsible bloke. We had a think about the incident, and next time I saw him I told him "you kissed her on the lips! Better not do that or she'll think you're her boyfriend". He got the message, and has never done it again.

Best not to get things out of proportion some times.

Not to put too fine a point on it, the bottom line is that men look at porn to get turned on and have a wank.

I would be pretty repulsed and shocked and pissed off if a bloke came round my house (eg to clean the oven, fit some tiles) and went on my computer to look at porn. Vile. But to do so when he's supposed to be looking after my toddler!!!

No matter how inconvenient, I would not let him babysit again, and tbh would feel differently about him as a person.

I have no friends or family near me. But I managed to find a baby sitter. And if she turned out to be unsuitable, I'd find another one. All it takes is a bit of time and effort.

Surely the welfare of your son comes way higher than a bit of personal inconvenience?

yes, explain away porn whilst looking after child but gosh isn't a peck on the lips weird?

how bizarre.

My stepfather watched porn when my sister 8 ish and I 5ish were in the room. Not going into details, think you'd all know where that one went.
Please don't let this man babysit for you again. I beg you.
The potential risk here is simply not worth it, find someone else to babysit.

I am totally not against porn, I love the stuff but not with a toddler running around! It is not only inappropriate but potentially damaging. How many 23 yr old men can watch porn without wanking?? my guess is not many. I am by no means accusing him of being a paedophile as long as the porn was all legal and over 18s etc but seriously, what would have happened if ds had have walked in on him doing that? it is just wrong and i could never leave my ds with someone who had shown such a lack of judgement and self control.

OP - it's interesting to see how you are trying to convince yourself that this is all ok. Can you imagine what it would be like if you did discover he had paedophile tendencies, and you had chosen to ignore such behaviour? Your child's safety is THE single most important thing here,not the convenience of a babysitter or the fact that your child loves him... stand back from the situation, imagine you were giving advice to someone else who had explained the scenario to you... what would your advice be?

good post megnog

OMG I would be livid. I would be so upset. I wouldn't say a word but would never, ever let him babysit for my child again.

Min there are reputable nanny/ babysitting agencies you could use when you need a night out. they have all been checked over and work regularly and are know to the agency.

Just think for a moment if this had been your employer or a nanny and they did this what would be the consequences.

What he did was disgusting, at worse it is sinister at best neglectful and downright damaging for the child. Just can't see how you could let this one go for the sake of some time out.

I think it is very inapropropriate and would definitely block acess to computer if not to Dc as well.

At best he was looking at porn for five minutes, at worst is not neccessary to write down..... the in between is quite vile.
Perhaps DP should say something?

I have maybe not made this clear, but I don't use him as a babysitter for social reasons. I don't have any sort of social life mostly as a result of my severe lack of babysitters. That's fine, I can live with that. It's only when I have to go into work during the day for some reason, or eg going to the doctors.

Megnog, I am not trying to convince myself this is all ok, but equally I'm not going to ditch a good friend for what I think may well be just a stupid mistake. And if this were happening to a friend of mine, I'd probably say "Ew, what a knob. I'll babysit for you next time you need a hand."

I'm still finding it hard to reconcile my son's massive adoration for this man with the concept of said guy behaving inappropriately. Actually I'm finding it impossible, and I find that telling. Surely if there was inappropriate behaviour going on DS wouldn't get so excited to see him. I am prepared to be corrected on this however.

I am starting to really resent being told I am putting my son at risk for the sake of convenience. I have made it clear that hye won't be babysitting until I can resolve this to my satisfaction (however that may be). If I wasn't worried about the whole thing I wouldn't be posting here, so I think it's clear my son is NOT currently at risk.

Mindalina, it sounds like you're taking a balanced approach to this issue. You're right to be concerned but you're also right to investigate a bit further before making up your mind entirely.

I do think you're going to have to be really blunt and straightforward with your friend who babysits though and ask some pretty direct questions.

Just a note, in case horrible suspicions are confirmed, the 'inappropriate' behaviour of which everybody speaks may not have started yet in a way that would distress your son.

Mindalina - Someone i know was abused sexually by a teacher. He used to go and stay at this teachers house at weekends. He still feels guilty to this day for wanting to go there. He always had a lovely time, apart from the abuse of course. Children are easily confused, attention = love etc.

Im not suggesting that this is going on in your case, but just pointing out, not all children react in a bad way.

I can see you are starting to feel judged and a bit defensive- we don't know the exact nature of your circumstances, but all people can do is imagine themselves in the situation you outline, and when they do they obviously get quite emotional imagining the possibility of harm to a child. Try not to take it too personally- it's the imagined situation, not you people are reacting to.

I do understand that you can't see how anything dodgy could be going on because your son loves this guy. Unfortunately I don't think that proves or disproves anything. Perhaps it might be an idea to try calling Parentline, or the NSPCC or someone anonymously just for some advice? Or Surestart or similar for ideas on alternative childcare? I absolutely don't want to sound like I'm having a go at you, I just think this situation is potentially quite serious, and at the very least requires you to start addressing the childcare issue. I hope you manage to work something out.

I'm not fussed about childcare. Can cope without, is np.

Who the hell do you talk to about something like this? I thought the NSPCC just raised money?