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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel a bit icky about this? What would you do?

199 replies

mindalina · 08/12/2008 08:35

I've got a friend who occasionally babysits for me. He's an old friend of DP's who I've also known for around four or five years now. I trust him completely with DS - DS adores him, it's really sweet.

But.

On Saturday I closed a tab in firefox by accident and couldn't find again, so I went rummaging in my history and was shocked to find a couple of links to a porn site in my history! I thought maybe it was DP one evening, so I checked the time and date, and it was the other Thursday afternoon when I popped into to work for an hour, and my friend watched DS.

Now I'm not offended by porn in itself (I do understand there are exploitation issues etc, but they aren't really my main concern atm), nor am I even particularly bothered by the fact he accessed porn on my computer when I wasn't there. I am however concerned about DS being exposed to pornography at the tender age of 23 months. I know DS wasn't napping, because he has morning naps most of the time.

What would you do? I can hardly bear to bring it up with my friend ("So, the porn you watched the other day on my pc, any good? Good, now don't ever watch it again when DS around please" eww no) but equally I now don't feel entirely comfortable leaving him with DS iyswim. Surely it's kind of obvious that you don't watch porn around a toddler? I don't really know what to do about it. It would harshly suck to lose my only babysitter, but I'm not comfortable with this. It's possible DS was playing in his room so couldn't see anything, but I don't know...

help me please!

OP posts:
lulu41 · 09/12/2008 13:26

Dont leave your child with this man ever again - seroiusly dont - what he did albeiit once is totally shocking and inappropriate beyond words

MrsMattie · 09/12/2008 13:31

Am yet to trawl through replies, but purely in response to the OP - I wouldnt trust this 'friend' near my kids again.

claw3 · 09/12/2008 13:33

Bloody hell this thread is all over the place, we would make a great lynch mob!

All the bloke is guilty of is looking at porn as far as we know. Just dont let him babysit again.

pamelat · 09/12/2008 13:37

can you find out how long he was on the porn site at all from the computer history?

pamelat · 09/12/2008 13:38

I mean a few seconds could be accidental? He may have checked his emails or spam and something directed him. Thats quite different.

blinks · 09/12/2008 13:40

think mindalina said he watched 3 films (i assume short ones) or went to 3 sites...

brilliant post GreenGables.

MrsMattie · 09/12/2008 13:40

A grown man who cannot go a few hours while babysitting without looking at porn? I find that disturbing.

No lynchmob mentality. No vigilante-ism. No Daily Mail hysteria or 'man hating'.

All of that is bullshit.

His behaviour is inappropriate and weird.

tinselroundtherock · 09/12/2008 13:45

I think you shouls ask him about it, not in the presence of DS. Why was he looking at porn while babysitting? Perfectly reasonable to think DS viewing a screen with inappropriate content is wrong and you are right to ask him not to do it, and why he felt the need in your house with your children present!!!

I would ask him openly. He is babysitting after all.

dittany · 09/12/2008 14:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

onebatmotherofgoditschilly · 09/12/2008 14:18

Mamaberta's post is excellent, I think.

Mindalina, I do feel for you. But have you checked that it's not streaming video? If it is, then three pages could have been 20mins plus of hardcore video, and I'm not sure you could tell how long he was on each page for.

FWIW I think that where pornography plays a part in abuse (which it often does), it is usually adult porn.

And as many have said, the fact that your 2 yr old ds adores him unfortunately doesn't prove anything. Children at that age would have no conception that a sexual act with an adult was 'wrong' and might even find it physically pleasurable (sorry, I know this is v upsetting but I do think it's v important to be frank).

Also, there might have been no physical contact at all: abusers can enact scenarios to replay in their fantasy at a later point. It would still, of course, be sexual abuse.

Somebody here made an excellent point that your own awful experience might be leading you to be too neutral about this, and I think they might be on to something. I know that I am on very shaky ground, and I do hope that you don't take offense at this because remote analysis is crass at best - but is it possible that you are also 'acting out' your own 'responsible adult's' failure to protect you? I don't mean that you are going to fail to protect him, but simply that you are trying unconsciously to work through and understand how this could have happened to you?

Perhaps you might also be experiencing a level of unwillingness to re-live your own pain - just not able to fully go there?

Again, apologies if I am, you know, talking crap. I really do feel for you.

Chrysanthamum · 09/12/2008 14:26

I may be wrong but most people don't have a circle of reliable babysitters they can call on. That's why you need to get reliable childcare in place if you go out to work or the doctor. He's the only one around is no excuse. Also why do you think you might trust this person again? I'm beginning to wonder if this is genuine. sorry

egypt · 09/12/2008 15:01

of course it's genuine. don't go adding that to the bag; the poor woman has enough on her plate.

claw3 · 09/12/2008 15:04

Dittany - The OP stated 'I am almost certain that all my time and date settings are correct'. Some posts have suggested calling the police etc, etc.

In my book an 'im almost certain', isnt good enough for accusing someone of looking at porn, let alone child abuse.

Lotster · 09/12/2008 15:11

Actually she was pretty clear - "I thought maybe it was DP one evening, so I checked the time and date, and it was the other Thursday afternoon when I popped into to work for an hour, and my friend watched DS".

But anyway;
Really think this lady has had enough of the frighteners put on her now, unless someone has something new to add shouldn't we leave her alone to action this now?

dittany · 09/12/2008 15:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

claw3 · 09/12/2008 15:18

Lotster - OP post Tue 09-Dec-08 02:01:28 stated I am almost certain that all my time and date settings are correct, in response to someone asking whether her time and dates are always set correctly on her pc.

Agreed, best left alone now.

MrsMattie · 09/12/2008 15:19

FFS, there are some odd sorts on MN, always wanting to jump in and defend the indefensible...

claw3 · 09/12/2008 15:24

im not defending anyone, just saying op should be sure of her facts before accusing.

dittany · 09/12/2008 15:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

claw3 · 09/12/2008 15:29

Dittany - Exactly thats what ive been saying the whole thread, just dont let him babysit again. Phoning the police is a bit OTT if you are not even sure if your computer dates and time were set correctly on that date.

MrsMattie · 09/12/2008 15:56

OK, honing the police may be OTT at this point, but surely she should confront him and tell him why she doesn't want him babysitting any more? I would.

MrsMattie · 09/12/2008 15:56

phoning

claw3 · 09/12/2008 16:10

Of course she should, but what if he says he has no idea what she is talking about?

If you asked me whether my date and time were set correctly on my pc last week, last month, i could give you a definate YES, last year i couldnt say most definately.

Also the op stated he babysat occassionally, next minute he has babysat countless times!?!

One minute he was offering to babysit all the time, next the op was roping him into babysitting!

Without knowing the full facts, imo the best advice anyone can give is just dont let him babysit again.

claw3 · 09/12/2008 16:22

Anyhow, im off now, nuff said i think

dazmum · 09/12/2008 16:32

If you don't want to lock the computer,or talk to him about it, you can download K9 Web Protection Alert, www1.k9webprotection.com/ then you can password it according to certain categories. If something iffy comes up, the site barks loudly, and asks for your password, which only you will know. If you want to allow looking at certain sites all the time you can exclude them, or if you want to allow them for say 15 minutes you can, again using your password. We have it to block all sorts of things from our 10 year old, i.e gambling sites or some games as well as porn of course, etc. It also blocked Bravissimo from me, so you can make it as secure as you want.

If you do use it and he tries to access stuff, then he will know that you know what he did, which I really don't agree with and he certainly shouldn't be doing on your pc while looking after your child.