To say no to son’s girlfriend coming for Christmas.

[5littleducksallinarow]

We don’t have the biggest house and our very small dining table is in an alcove in the lounge, we pull it out for meals but there is 6 of us squeezed around this 4 seater table with 2 extra chairs.
Last year we decided to do a cold meat buffet instead and just have our plates on the sofa and it worked so we’ve decided to do the same again.
This year ds has a girlfriend and has asked if she can come for Christmas and I explained it will only be buffet but he’s unimpressed and says she’s from a posh family and would expect a traditional roast dinner.

Aibu to say we can’t cater for anyone else? We don’t mind if she wants to come for a while or even for some of the buffet but I will not be cooking a Christmas dinner.
Ds is concerned about her reaction to a non traditional roast.
We have met her once and I did put on a similar cold meats buffet back in the summer but she didn’t eat anything.

Is it possible that your DS will go to his girlfriends's family for Christmas instead? Is there a possibility that in future all Christmas Days will be spent with girlfriend's family because they do a proper Christmas dinner and you do not?

They’ve been together since the spring, both late 20s although she still lives at home so it’s not that she’s not welcome, ds usually comes and was asking if she could come so I said it will just be like last year.
I don’t think he’s asked her yet but he doesn’t think she’ll be impressed with a buffet as her family go all out.

This 100%

I would have laughed in his face and handed him the oven gloves.

I'll admit that I'd be deeply disappointed to go to someone's house for Christmas lunch and get a cold meat buffet to eat on my lap. And I'm not at all posh.

Same here

So he needs to not invite her if he knows she wouldn't enjoy what his mum is doing for dinner 🤷‍♂️

You tell him that she is more than welcome to join you for Christmas, that you aren't planning to cook a traditional roast dinner but if your ds and his girlfriend would like to cook one for themselves, then the kitchen will be available for their use.

Why on earth should the OP go to the expense of buying an extending table just because his current squeeze expects a roast dinner? If the gf wants a roast dinner then she can go to her own home and have one!

I voted YABU because I think the idea of a cold meat buffet for Christmas dinner is really grim. It's one day and the OP doesn't even have a large family. I don't blame the son for wanting his family to make a good first impression and no one is going to be thrilled with a cold meat buffet on Christmas Day. That said, if the OP really truly hates cooking roasts she can suggest the son makes the dinner instead. But I would try to accommodate (and am fully aware this is because I feel sick at the cold meat buffet idea).

I didn't say you did. But these were things people were suggesting the OP do.

Oh, just rearrange your furniture, oh just bring a large side table over...

You really sound like you have a chip on your shoulder about them being 'posh'.

The alternative point of view is that people really value building close relationships with their adult children, which means sometimes (not always!) you have to be the one who is prepared to compromise. Adult children aren’t toddlers who can be dictated to, they’re grown-ups who will form their own opinions about how rigid or unhelpful their parents are, and proceed accordingly.

I’m constantly surprised by how many parents on MN apparently wouldn’t care if they had a cool or distant relationship with their grown-up kids. Maybe that wouldn’t feel disastrous to some of you; maybe you think that’s the natural way of things. It would feel absolutely calamitous to me. I guess it all depends on what your ultimate goal is. Personally I wouldn’t risk making my sons feel anxious in front of a partner just because of a small disagreement over a cold buffet.

Wow, It's obvious there are a lot of posters that have never been in a terraced house!

Totally agree with you @WitchesBritches and @5littleducksallinarow I'd not change your plans, maybe just re-iterate to him that she's welcome to join you for any part of the day she'd like to?

She can turn down the invite then!

Tell him he's welcome to cook a roast dinner he wants.

I think you would be unreasonable not to include your adult dc's long term partner at Christmas, but you don't have to change your meal plan. Let them know the plan and they can come or not.

If they would like to make a roast, do they live close enough to host you? Could be on Christmas Eve or Boxing Day?

Do I? I just quoted what he’s said.

I’d think so. If she’s asked to come, she clearly doesn’t care that your house is small etc.

He's welcome to cook a roast.
That's all that needs saying! And can still eat a roast on your lap..

I wondered this. How did DS feel about the eating off knees on the sofa? Was it actually him that thought it was a bit sad and he’s using her to suggest a change?

We do the ‘add an extra table under a cloth’ thing to accommodate 10 on our six person table. It cost about £25 I think and stacks in the garage.

I would never refuse a boyfriend/girlfriend for Xmas. If you don’t fancy doing it, could they help out? What does DH think? Far too soon they aren’t always there at Xmas - I’d make the most of it while you can.

I agree. I would not prioritise the apparent convenience of a cold meat buffet over my relationship with my children. It's Christmas, it's supposed to be about family. Note I am not suggesting the OP has to cook a big roast dinner all on her own. Certainly the son can do it or other family members can contribute. But it's not a big deal to cook a roast.

He could always take her somewhere ‘posh’ if he’s that bothered!

Because the PP might want to have a continuing relationship with her son, and enjoy his company on special occasions, rather than having him default to ‘Well, I’m always going to spend Christmas elsewhere because I don’t want to, or expect a girlfriend to, endure a cold meat buffet eaten off our laps on the sofa because eating hot food at a table or tables is apparently too much hassle’?

Well, fabulous darling, the medals will be handed out later.

the OP had a cold meat buffet last Christmas & enjoyed it and that is what she plans to do this year, it is entirely irrelevant what anybody else thinks of it.

If the son wants to impress the new girlfriend, then he can put some bloody effort into doing it and not expect his Mum to do it for him.

This.

It’s not his long term partner, they met in the spring, she’s been here once and they don’t live together, they see each other about once a week.