To say no to son’s girlfriend coming for Christmas.

[5littleducksallinarow]

We don’t have the biggest house and our very small dining table is in an alcove in the lounge, we pull it out for meals but there is 6 of us squeezed around this 4 seater table with 2 extra chairs.
Last year we decided to do a cold meat buffet instead and just have our plates on the sofa and it worked so we’ve decided to do the same again.
This year ds has a girlfriend and has asked if she can come for Christmas and I explained it will only be buffet but he’s unimpressed and says she’s from a posh family and would expect a traditional roast dinner.

Aibu to say we can’t cater for anyone else? We don’t mind if she wants to come for a while or even for some of the buffet but I will not be cooking a Christmas dinner.
Ds is concerned about her reaction to a non traditional roast.
We have met her once and I did put on a similar cold meats buffet back in the summer but she didn’t eat anything.

There's more to life than eating. If the absence of a certain food eaten in a certain way means you get no joy from an occasion, might be time to review your relationship with food.

YANBU. People aren't being sensible with their replies. They sound like the sort of people who can't comprehend how small your home is.

If it's so limited in space that the dining table is shoved into an alcove then there's no room for a second table next to it, especially once you've pulled the dining table out so you could all sit at it. Due to this you also wouldn't even own a second table, even a folding one, because you'd have no possible use for it and nowhere to store it.

Of course an extra person matters when you already have 6 squashed around a 4 seater table! Trying to squeeze in a 7th person is not really going to work. It sounds like with the table pulled out of the alcove it just doesn't work anyway because nobody can easily move around it. Hence your decision to do a buffet. I totally understand that it's not ideal or traditional, but if you've got 6 people in a tiny home it's the best you can do and still have ease of movement around the room.

Your DS is trying to pretend he's something he isn't to get the girl. That's a no. People really need to stop doing this. If everyone was themselves from the beginning, people could more easily and quickly work out whether they were compatible. This notion of being on best behaviour in a new relationship is so ridiculous because it can't be kept up long term. All that happens is someone falls in love with the fantasy version then, when the behaviour slips and they revert more and more to default personality, their partner becomes disillusioned and resentful until things get so bad they break up. Who is that serving? Nobody. Not in the long term.

So she's from a posh family, so what? He isn't and there's not even enough space for a traditional roast Christmas dinner in his family home. Either he earns enough to eat out Christmas day or he doesn't. He is what he is and he's from where he's from. She needs to either accept him as such, or not. Expecting him to be something he's not, is not the way forward into a happy lasting relationship.

On the other hand if this isn't a serious relationship and he's just milking it for what he can get out of it for as long as it lasts, then he can do so on his own dime and at his own convenience, not yours.

It may be son's issue rather than his girlfriend's. I'd try to accommodate her food preferences within the buffet but as for doing Christmas dinner with all the trimmings nope

I would invite her but on your terms i.e. the cold buffet. If I were her I would have dinner at home and visit the boyfriend in the evening! A cold buffet for Christmas dinner doesn't sound terribly appealing.

Why don’t they have the big roast dinner at her parents house and then go to yours either before or after?

I think even if you were okay with doing a full roast, as if she’s going to want to come to yours instead of staying with her own family on Christmas Day.

I don’t think a roast dinner signifies that an event is posh, roast turkey was for many years the traditional meal on Christmas Day and is still served in many homes from all strata's of society on the 25th December.

A cold buffet eaten on laps sounds utterly joyless. There is a compromise somewhere between a buffet and a roast turkey, probably best to look for it. Could you move some furniture around and extend the table, an old door or smaller table drapped in a fabulous tablecloth would work and set a lovely meal upon it. Ask them to organise pud or the drinks so they are involved in the process.

She may become your daughter in law at some stage in the future, so probably best to pick your battles.

You have a DS problem. Almost 2 hours late when he knew you had catered for what HE said she'd like. Then didn't eat anything, had already eaten. DS passive aggressive? You're setting yourself up for similar for Christmas.

I suspect if you agree that DS and you will cook a hot meal, he will make excuses on the day and you'll end up as the bad guy. Stick with cold buffet, but add some tasty extras, new decorations and good wine.

You are doing all the right things @5littleducksallinarow Making her welcome, who knows where things went wrong last time, when you checked her preferences with DS and then they turned up late having eaten.

As for your sons insecurities, it’s almost laughable that he thinks you should change your Christmas to meet the ‘standard expected by his new wealthy girlfriend’. Who ate nothing on her last visit.

My thoughts about sharing family meals has changed a lot, as a teen/twenties young woman I had a lot of angst around eating especially in unknown company. Who knows what is going on with her.

Have a talk with him, to nip his pretensions in the bud. Hope you can get him to see sense straight away. It may take some time.

Good luck.

What exactly is a cold meat buffet? Literally just some ham you might put in a sandwich and other fridge things? Nothing hot at all? Or any of the elements you would typically associate with Christmas Day?

Is it possible that your son doesn't want a cold meat buffet (I'm afraid I don't blame him as I really love Christmas dinner) and is using the girlfriend as an excuse...

Yanbu but eating Christmas dinner on your lap is pretty miserable and I’d be worried that my son would choose to go to his girlfriend’s family instead.

or the son could pay for and cook the meal if he thinks mums cooking isnt up to scratch?

I was reading somewhere about how cultures which make a very big thing about hospitality towards guests are often those i which expect the women to fulfil very traditional roles. Good suggestion to have a hot buffet perhaps but maybe get your son to do the cooking and washing up..

YANBU to have Christmas exactly the way you want it and of course you don't have to change your plans just because your son has some kind of inferiority complex.

Personally though, I wouldn't go somewhere for Christmas if it was going to be a cold buffet as for me the traditional Christmas dinner is the highlight - I'd sooner skip the presents than the dinner. But that would be my issue and I wouldn't demand anyone else cook it for me, I'd cook it myself!

Have you considered renting a nice holiday cottage so you have enough room for a sit-down dinner and don't embarrass your son in front of his posh girlfriend? Ideally somewhere you can buy in the future so you can keep up the ruse if the relationship stays the course.

I agree with this, she could be your DIL in the future and will remember how welcome you made her in your home.

When my Mum had 30+ people for Christmas dinner in a 3 bed semi there wasn't a choice about that. We were just happy to all be in one place together.

i also was so ready to say Yabu, but you’re saying she can come, but you won’t change your plans which is so reasonable! Your son is massively being unreasonable, if he's that fussed on impressing her he can treat her to a posh pub/restaurant Christmas roast, and then spend the rest of the day at yours.

People who have perfectly normal and healthy relationships with food can still be miffed about missing out on the traditional turkey with all the trimmings with everyone sat round the table.

Food is one of the main ways that people celebrate Christmas, it doesn’t mean that the other 364 days of the year they don’t eat perfectly normally and healthily without being obsessive one way or the other.

It’s only Dh and I at home and we are both happy with a buffet, nobody likes being squeezed around the table that is in an alcove but can be pulled out and extended about a foot only to block the walkway to the kitchen.

We always had Christmas roasts when the children were small but now they are grown they come over and sit around chatting with a beer or wine and last year it worked well having the buffet, I bought lots of nice Christmas party food and made some nice additions it was very nice and we all enjoyed it, we always made a buffet on Boxing Day anyway with left over meat, cheeses and bits we’d bought and it went down better than a sit down roast so that’s what we agreed to do, however I think ds sees his girlfriends family live in a big house with lots of money and space and feels we don’t match up.
I have never met them but I’ve met her and she seems very nice.
I couldn’t imagine 7 adults being squeezed around a small 4 seater table being more joyous than helping yourself to what you fancy.
I would love to have a long table where we could all sit comfortably and not have to try and cut your potatoes without elbowing the person on the chair wedged next to you.

Of course you shouldn’t change your catering plan for an additional guest.

She can come after lunch.

(Don’t you have a hot meal at all though?)

Could you get a table that’s big enough (eg sits 6-8) and set it up in a room that’s big enough (eg the living room) just for the meal? Then store it away until the next occasion?

I don't understand. You talk about it being only you and DH there and that you're happy with a cold buffet (fair enough) but then say the issue is seven adults squeezing round the dinner table...

I think the point we're all making is that it might be worth discussing with the other 5 guests (presumably your children and their partners) if they are happy with the cold buffet every year going forwards.

She doesn't want toooooo why is that so hard to grasp?

People are pure weird about having a roast on Christmas day. Fuck that shit, we order Currys to heat up the night before. Christmas is not all about the food and standing around cooking is not a Christmas treat for any bugger.

Stick to your guns OP and maybe tell the strange people on your thread that they're not invited as they seem to think they are

People with normal relationships with food wouldn't typically find a day spent with family, with all the potential for fun and happiness 'spectacularly joyless' because they didn't get a roast dinner, surely? A passing disappointment, fair enough, but to write the thing off in these terms seems somewhat excessive in a balanced person.