To say no to son’s girlfriend coming for Christmas.

[5littleducksallinarow]

We don’t have the biggest house and our very small dining table is in an alcove in the lounge, we pull it out for meals but there is 6 of us squeezed around this 4 seater table with 2 extra chairs.
Last year we decided to do a cold meat buffet instead and just have our plates on the sofa and it worked so we’ve decided to do the same again.
This year ds has a girlfriend and has asked if she can come for Christmas and I explained it will only be buffet but he’s unimpressed and says she’s from a posh family and would expect a traditional roast dinner.

Aibu to say we can’t cater for anyone else? We don’t mind if she wants to come for a while or even for some of the buffet but I will not be cooking a Christmas dinner.
Ds is concerned about her reaction to a non traditional roast.
We have met her once and I did put on a similar cold meats buffet back in the summer but she didn’t eat anything.

I don’t think ds is necessarily cheeky or entitled. He might just be anxious to make a good impression. I’d at least say something along the lines of we could have a really special lunch and you could help me do it. I’d also be making every effort to have a table to sit around even if it’s a makeshift thing.

Why doesn't he go to hers for her posh dinner? In fact, why don't her posh family invite the lot of you!

Sorry if you've already said but not sure of their ages.

I tend to think if they weren't together last Christmas then it's too soon to spend Christmas together. Of course with adults who have their own place they can do what they like.
If you've met her once I would find it weird for her to come and share what a lot of people would consider a very family focused event.

If she wants to come to yours for Christmas then she'll be experiencing what your family does for Christmas. If she wants something posh then she can go to her own.

Depending on the age of DS. If he's over 18 he would be told f*CK off and make your own lunch.

Can they not just see each other in the evening??

That sounds amazing, OP. The buffet is one of my highlights of Christmas!

If the girlfriend doesn't fancy it then can I take her place?! Promise I won't object to eating on me knee and I'll even bring my own chair 😅.

I was ready to vote YABU until i actually read it. Your son is a CF

Well, OP, have you considered selling your house and moving somewhere with a bigger living room and a dining room that fits all the now adult children and any potential grand children that might come along in the future? 🙄😄

This place never ceases to amaze, one day you want your parents to downsize to make their house easier to manage, the next it's wanting them to buy extra furniture that won't fit in the house they have!

Sounds a bit soon to be sharing Christmas lunch with her, especially if you've only met her once.
I read your later post where you said he's in his late 20s - very cheeky for him to make demands and surely he can roll up his sleeves and help either way?

It's not very very tiny, it's a normal sized living room in a small British home! Some homes, usually one bedroom flats, it's even smaller or else there's a row of kitchen cabinets and a cooker, plus sink and washing machine along one wall of the living room and that's what passes for a kitchen.

Even if OP has a separate kitchen... if 12' x 12' is the size of her living room and there's obviously no room in the kitchen for any kind of table (else she'd have mentioned it and wouldn't have one crammed into an alcove in the living room)... how big do you think her kitchen is?!

I've got a similar size living room to OP. I've just measured the kitchen, it's 7'10" x 7'4". I have a 1' x 1' space of worktop that doesn't have any kitchen things (microwave, kettle, toaster on it where I can place things, plus the draining board when it's empty, just a small fridge because there isn't room for a fridge/freezer.

It's most likely a massive headache for OP trying to cook up a roast dinner for 7 in whatever small kitchen she has, with probably limited worktop space to put anything down on.

No of course you’re not being unreasonable. Tell him she can come but that’s what’s on offer. But the doors open to come before or after if it isn’t to her liking. Not to be blunt, I do love a traditional Christmas dinner and I wouldn’t want the arrangement you want but I wouldn’t expect anyone to change that because of me. As long as she’s told before hand she can make a decision

Then he can do all the cooking if he wants to make a good impression?

Well someone upthread did suggest renting a holiday cottage to buy at a later date, to keep up the pretence 🤣

Tbf, it sounds less joyless than spending the say slaving over a roast that you don’t really want.

The worst part about Christmas Day is that my mum spends all day in the kitchen cooking. I’d much rather have a cold buffet and her be able to relax and socialise more, but the Christmas Dinner is important to her so worth the effort.

I can’t imagine insisting she did all the work when she didn’t want to!

We do the same ish as there's 15 of us. But roast the meat on the day and offer roast potatoes and veg all hot. Sit on chairs about the living room. Everyone brings something.

YANBU to say she can come but it's in line with what you. do. If DS is unhappy, he's welcome to go elsewhere.

This sounds absolutely delicious and makes sense to get some of the cooking all out the way the night before so that you can enjoy the day. You'll have spent years making the day about the kids and now it's the chance for you to be able to enjoy it too.

Maybe the adult kids could do the cooking one year?!

... or she could be the first of a succession of fussy boy/girlfriends who'll try it on with your family.
Cheeky young devil !
And it's Christmas dinner so not some insignificant occasion.

Her expectation or his concern about her expectation is not for you to worry about, honestly.

I was in this situation a couple of years ago when my son had a new gf. I said no to her coming for Christmas. The following year they had moved in together and I knew her better and she was invited and it was "take us as you find us" kind of thing. Obvs they've now split up!

Surely son could stick some good sausages and chicken joints on an oven tray? And a bag of roast potatoes on another. Then you'd just need to mix up some bread sauce and buy a pot of cranberry. Or maybe he could do that too?

Sorry but this made me laugh! I'm firmly in the 'take us as you find us' camp.

I don't see how you can possibly call her cheeky, or actually slag her off at all.

OP has said her son hasn't even invited his Gf yet, he is WORRIED she will want a roast dinner, she hasn't demanded one or even said a single thing at all yet?

So her family have got a big house and money and go 'all out' - good for them.

But don't try to 'beat them at their own game', that's one you can't win - just do what you do, do it well - it will have its own, different charm!

My family had more money and were more 'posh' than my husband's... but his were much more warm and welcoming to me... 😍

I can't sit everyone round my table but we bring in a fold up table and chairs and people sit on the sofas with food on their laps if that's not enough. I have sat 20 people like this so for me, your space issues are not an insurmountable problem. Have a buffet if you like of course. They still need to sit down.

"She's very welcome but it will be a buffet like usual, I'm not cooking a roast". On repeat.

He will have to decide if it's good enough for her or if she should come round later or on Boxing Day instead. Or she might invite him to her posh family Christmas.

My son asked if his GF could come last Christmas and we said yes she's very welcome but we'd be doing it pretty much as we usually do, same timings and traditions (I'm happy to tweak a few things to be accommodating but it's our Christmas too). He was wary of what she'd think but she joined in with everything politely and enthusiastically (she even came to church on Christmas Eve which we made clear was entirely optional; she's a non practising muslim). So hold the line - you might be pleasantly surprised.

Came to say exactly the same as minephotographercat.
I'm glad you've welcomed her being with you but she's welcome to join your plans, not dictate them. If she won't approve she should join you for another part of Christmas

Invite her to the buffet as girlfriends sometimes become wives and you don't want them to feel unwelconm. Make it clear it is a cold buffet meal. She might politely decline and go to her parents for their traditional roast dinner . Problem sorted if she does.

If she comes to your home perhaps , check first with her ( not your son) whether she's vegetarian or gluten free or dairy free etc just in case that's why she didn't eat last time.

There are separate issues here -

1. Making space at the table - find a way, even if it means setting the table up in the lounge, to be welcoming to your ds's girlfriend. She could be your future DIL so always be welcoming (but if he hasn't even asked her yet and they don't live together yet, only been dating since spring, I would be surprised if she didn't want to still spend Christmas lunch/dinner with her own family and perhaps just visit later in the evening)

2. Your ds wanting to put on airs and graces implying his family and your way of doing things is not good enough for his girlfriend. Tell him she is always welcome in your home, but you are not putting on a show, if she is going to become family in the future she takes you as she finds you.

That sounds lovely @5littleducksallinarow ! And also a brilliant way for you not to spend the day stressing in the kitchen, plus you can actually be present with your family. Since they are all older now you don't need to do the full shebang any more ! And even tho' a "propah" Christmas roast may be de rigeur for posh folks, or anyone who can manage it without losing their marbles, it's a much looser interpretation these days - have what the hell you fancy / suits your MO. I am sure a delicious home made put together buffet wouldn't have had the Downton Abbey brigade choking on their sherries. I think buffet spreads were quite a regular feature in the big houses in any case (irrelevant, but still !)