To ask DS to contribute

[Collieflour]

DS left home four months ago. He left almost all of his belongings here - all his furniture (including his bed, sofa, two wardrobes, huge TV etc all of which he bought himself), his exercise equipment, sports gear, most of his clothes... All he took was a couple of cases/boxes as he moved into a furnished studio and didn't have room for anything else.

We live in a 2 bed house currently. DS's room is the larger bedroom with a little annexe bit he used as his mini gym. He has a LOT of stuff in there.

DH and I have been offered the opportunity to downsize to a lovely 1 bed flat which would reduce our rent by almost £200pm. However DS has asked us not to move as he would have nowhere to keep his things and it would be 'weird' not being able to come home to his childhood home. He says he has no room for all his belongings so would have to store them which would cost him at least £150pm. Also he stays here roughly once a week after a night out - he moved semi-rurally to be near his work and we are in the centre of town, so it's handy for him after nights out when he can't get back to his. He says that he would have to pay for hotels if we moved (the place we are looking at is a good way out of town). He currently has no plans to move to a bigger place so keeping his stuff here, and him staying over, is an indefinite arrangement. He has a key and comes and goes as he pleases.

WIBU to ask him for something towards storing his stuff to offset the cost of the extra rent we currently pay? To be absolutely clear, the new flat we are looking at is absolutely beautiful and is specifically for over 55s, DH and I are both in our 60s and I am disabled so it would be a real help, not least because of the lack of stairs which I find more difficult as time goes on. It's not that we don't want to move and we're using DS as a means to pay towards our rent, we really do want to go. We also have friends close by the new place and it's closer to DH's work.

We wouldn't ask much - maybe £50 or £75 a month - just to offset what we pay a bit. Before DS left he was paying us about £200 a month towards food and his share of the bills, for reference. He is 36 and earns a decent enough wage so could afford it, and it would be less than he would have to spend on storage/hotels. We are actually a little bit better off each month since he left (he was a big eater and a fan of central heating!) so again to be clear we are not trying to make money from him by attempting to claw back some of his board money that we no longer have. I'd say we're about £50pm better off since he left.

I am torn because I feel bad asking him for money but we would love to move, and having him to all intents and purposes still living here part time - which we love, don't get me wrong, he is always very welcome - is stopping us doing that. And also costing us money which we don't have really, in the extra rent we're currently paying but could save if we moved.

YABU - I shouldn't ask my son for money for keeping his room as his own

YANBU - It's fair he should contribute as he sort-of still lives here, and if he wasn't we could downsize to somewhere more suitable and pay less ourselves

Fully expect that IABU because I feel as if I am but needs must!

He’s 36 years old. Live your own life, the move will be hugely beneficial for you!

When you were 36 did you have a spare house at your parents to keep your stuff and stay in randomly??

You should put your needs first and take the one bedroom flat. DS has to take responsibility for his belongings and decide if he really wants them. If he does, then he has to pay the storage. If you aren’t prepared to do that (and I think you will be sorry if you don’t) then you should ask him to contribute to the cost of your current accommodation but it sounds to me as if you are making life too easy for him and he isn’t considering your needs.

Neither option - just move. Then he can choose to pay storage or sell his stuff. YABU for considering pandering to him

I couldn’t vote as I don’t agree with either of your options. At 36 it really is time to cut the apron strings. You are unreasonable not to move as you wish. Tell him you are moving for the reasons you mentioned, particularly health related, and give him notice to collect his stuff.

Make the move OP. He's 36!! I wouldn't ask him to contribute to the storage, I'd tell him that you've decided to move and he needs to work out what to do with his stuff.

No, you just move and tell him to collect his things. I was sympathetic until I learned he is 36! I thought it was a young lad who is living hand to mouth at the best accommodation he can afford but he is evidently not. He is a grown man who earns well but still expects his parents to look after him.

Ha definitely not! I left home at 18 for uni and never went back. And my parents downsized a couple of years later!

I admit that part of me would love to keep his home the way he's always known it and we could always move in a couple of years when he's settled and has a bigger place. But we don't know if/when he will move, and paying so much extra a month when we don't need to is ridiculous and not sustainable long term. Which is why, if we stayed, we would have to ask him to contribute.

The option I wanted isn’t there.

you should absolutely move, and tell your exceptionally selfish son to fuck off with his demands.

By the time I was 36 my parents had moved house twice. It's your life, you need to do what works for you.

Agree. Just put your needs first and move. He will have to make whatever arrangements he deems necessary for his stuff.

He's 36 not bloody 16 !! My ds has recently moved backbone temporarily..he's 22.

At 36 he would have had to get his own place though !
Take that new place op. He will have time to shift his own stuff !

YABU because he’s 36 not 19! He needs to store his own stuff and arrange his own transport and accommodation after nights out.

I’d take the flat- you might not get offered another one. Offer to help him move/ sort out his stuff and find a storage unit. But don’t stay in the more expensive house if you’re ready to leave- you’ve housed him for 35 years! That’s enough!

You need to do whatever makes you happy. Imagine 6 months down the line he meets someone and moves to a bigger place with them taking all his stuff with him? You would have lost the opportunity to move into a beautiful new home. He is 36 not 16 and he is being very selfish

Wtf have I just read? Of course you should downsize. Tell DS he needs to pay for storage or rent a place that better suits his needs.

At 36 your son needs to grow up and either find a flat eith room for his stuff or rent a storage space for it.
As for him using emotional blackmail and manipulation to prevent you from moving thats not ok and you need to tell him to jog on and then move. He's old enough to look after himself and make arrangements to get home (his flat) himself or staying at one of his friends houses or a hotel, if he can't afford to do so then he can't afford to go out drinking as often as he does.
Basically you should move to the smaller more suitable flat and he needs to grow up and move his junk or sell it but it needs to go.

I understand why you might be hesitant and why a part might want to do what your son wants

But what you've mentioned is really not a reason to stay put

If moving to this property is right for you, you should not stay put because of the reasons mentioned

He is 36 OP. He should not really have a key to come and go as he pleases. I wouldn't ask for money.

I would take the house that is a one bedroom. Otherwise another opportunity may not come up again for a number od years.

I didn't vote but YABU...move ....you can't put your life on hold because of your son. Never mind the Financial savings, if you are disabled and stairs get harder as time goes & the new flat is nearer your husband's work...of course you have to move. Put yourself first.

In young adults, so say 18 until mid twenties when earning a decent wage I always advocate keeping room available at home and not to charge anything so they can save for future accommodation.

This is totally different as he's 36, works and you need somewhere more appropriate so tell him sorry no. He pays for his own storage or ditches the clutter.

He’s 36 I thought you were going to say he was 23.

Explain lovingly that he has been housed (in the larger room) for 36 years, enough now, we need to move for our advancing years. No discussion just explanation.

Mate gently he's 36...36...not 6 not even 16. It would be cheaper for him to put his stuff in storage

Just tell him the truth. Its impacting your lives as you get older and its not financially good for you.

I was dithering a bit until you said he was 36! FFS!

He’s had very soft parenting from you for all these years. It’s time for you to grow up and tell him to grow up.

As someone around the same age, married at 25, got a mortgage at 24 and a mother to a 7 year old I find this very bizarre!
He should either pay for storage like an adult or get rid of it.
It’s really time to cut the apron strings!
I paid board to my parents from aged 18 from when I started uni and worked part time (I was a nursing student so not typical uni holidays it was about 8 weeks a year,
so I worked on a bank role).
Thats when I saved up for a deposit as I wanted my own space and freedom.

Surely he knows that £200pcm rent is MUCH cheaper for yous. That you are both coming up to retirement age and that you have a disability.
He can’t be that selfish not to see the bigger picture! Can he?

Oh wow, thank you all for your responses which seem pretty unanimous!

I definitely hear what you're all saying. DS left home briefly for the first year of uni then lived at home for the rest of his course (he went to uni a short train journey away so it made sense). He's always been quite a homebody and showed no signs of wanting to move out until earlier this year when DH and I gently suggested he might consider it, being 35 as he was then. We helped him find his place and although it was a bit emotional it's all gone off smoothly.

I think the 'keeping his stuff' is really just code for him not wanting to make the break permanent. Which is also why he doesn't want us to move. I don't think he's being malicious, we are just extremely close and he doesn't want to sever ties. I would be sad to move too, in a way, but DH and I are so ready for a fresh start in a more suitable/affordable place.

Thirty-fucking-six!