To ask DS to contribute

[Collieflour]

DS left home four months ago. He left almost all of his belongings here - all his furniture (including his bed, sofa, two wardrobes, huge TV etc all of which he bought himself), his exercise equipment, sports gear, most of his clothes... All he took was a couple of cases/boxes as he moved into a furnished studio and didn't have room for anything else.

We live in a 2 bed house currently. DS's room is the larger bedroom with a little annexe bit he used as his mini gym. He has a LOT of stuff in there.

DH and I have been offered the opportunity to downsize to a lovely 1 bed flat which would reduce our rent by almost £200pm. However DS has asked us not to move as he would have nowhere to keep his things and it would be 'weird' not being able to come home to his childhood home. He says he has no room for all his belongings so would have to store them which would cost him at least £150pm. Also he stays here roughly once a week after a night out - he moved semi-rurally to be near his work and we are in the centre of town, so it's handy for him after nights out when he can't get back to his. He says that he would have to pay for hotels if we moved (the place we are looking at is a good way out of town). He currently has no plans to move to a bigger place so keeping his stuff here, and him staying over, is an indefinite arrangement. He has a key and comes and goes as he pleases.

WIBU to ask him for something towards storing his stuff to offset the cost of the extra rent we currently pay? To be absolutely clear, the new flat we are looking at is absolutely beautiful and is specifically for over 55s, DH and I are both in our 60s and I am disabled so it would be a real help, not least because of the lack of stairs which I find more difficult as time goes on. It's not that we don't want to move and we're using DS as a means to pay towards our rent, we really do want to go. We also have friends close by the new place and it's closer to DH's work.

We wouldn't ask much - maybe £50 or £75 a month - just to offset what we pay a bit. Before DS left he was paying us about £200 a month towards food and his share of the bills, for reference. He is 36 and earns a decent enough wage so could afford it, and it would be less than he would have to spend on storage/hotels. We are actually a little bit better off each month since he left (he was a big eater and a fan of central heating!) so again to be clear we are not trying to make money from him by attempting to claw back some of his board money that we no longer have. I'd say we're about £50pm better off since he left.

I am torn because I feel bad asking him for money but we would love to move, and having him to all intents and purposes still living here part time - which we love, don't get me wrong, he is always very welcome - is stopping us doing that. And also costing us money which we don't have really, in the extra rent we're currently paying but could save if we moved.

YABU - I shouldn't ask my son for money for keeping his room as his own

YANBU - It's fair he should contribute as he sort-of still lives here, and if he wasn't we could downsize to somewhere more suitable and pay less ourselves

Fully expect that IABU because I feel as if I am but needs must!

I don’t know why you’re asking if he should pay more when it’s so obvious that you want to move. Concentrate on that. He’ll need to store his belongings or they are sold/donated.
You’ve said the flat is lovely, who is to say you’ll have this opportunity again in a few years. Besides, is he likely to decide to want his belongings in another few years? If you don’t move now you’re just pushing the problem to another few years time.
Although you’ll probably disagree, I think your son’s behaviour is selfish and he’s putting his convenience over your needs. It’s not great that he can’t see this at his age.

He's probably afraid. If not living with you is new, it's probably a big comfort to know that, if it doesnt work out you can always go home.

That said, at 36, moving home would be a regressive move. You should make your move @Collieflour - there are other ways that you can be there for your son without housing him (or his stuff).

If he was 21 I could maybe see where he was coming from. But a 36 year old asking their parents to pay at least £2,400 a year extra just to facilitate keeping stuff and to avoid a few nights in a hotel is mental. It would cost him around £200 a month for a storage room and a cheap hotel. The fact you struggle with stairs as well shows this is a no brainer and he is asking too much and only thinking of himself

Move. That flat and that opportunity won't come round again. He's had it very very good up to now. You've saved him a fortune, both while he was living with you and now when you're acting as unpaid storage. It's time for him to acknowledge that and move on. You shouldn't put your own life on hold indefinitely for him, however much he's still your child. He needs to learn to be an adult and do things for himself, not rely on mummy and daddy.

How would you feel if he didn't want you to move in 10/20 years time?

Blimey I thought you were going to say he was 19 or similar. He is being very selfish.

Why is this an issue? I mean, we all want to help our kids but this is just daft. Move into the flat. He can either sell the stuff, move it to his place/storage or throw it away. He is an adult, he has to make choices and not expect his parents to sort it.

Move into your flat, your needs now with your disability trumps storing his belongings! Of course it does and if he's a good, thoughtful son he will accept that.

He doesn't want to pay for hotels and storage. Why should the alternative be for you to pay for his hotel and storage?

That's what he asking, as well as the personal inconvenience of being further from your husband's work and not suitable for your disability.

He's 36.

36!

Just move.

Move OP. Re-frame it (if it helps) as helping your DS to take a last step to being independent of his parents. It’s kinda your job.

Loosing a ‘family home’ that you’ve grown-up in is massive. That happened to me at 25 and it was an uncomfortable feeling (not that I ever said anything). Having nowhere to go back to - and I left home at 18 and never went back. You see it a lot on here too - and from people 50+.

But yeah - help in this final step.

Move he is 36 not 16!!!!

Yep I’m really close to my parents and my husband to his. We speak to our parents most days and see them every week (husband may be every other week). We live about 10 mins from both of them. But we don’t just pop in to each others houses etc we always ring as we respect each others space.
Being close doesn’t shouldn’t affect that your 36 year old son shouldn’t be independent.

Put on a pair of large boots next time he is round, an him to bend over and give him a large kick up the backside.

You have created this problem. Be decisive and solve it

It’s definitely option c: move to the flat that you want and works for you. He’s a grown man and you need to put yourself first!

I thought you were going to tell is he was an 18 year old lad ! He is a grown man so stop enabling him to act like a teenager. Tell him you are moving and his stuff needs to be gone by next weekend or it goes to charity.
He has no respect and you are allowing him to dictate your life.

Op if you want to move please move. It sounds like your sons belongings take up more than half the available bedroom space in your home. Its massively selfish of him to even consider his stuff when moving would be much more benecial to you both.

I am 37, and couldn't imagine asking this of my parents.

He is a grown-ass man who you must have babied all his life. He wants the room kept in case he needs to come back...fine in his 20s, but he's a grown man who's nearer to 40 than 30. Teach your son independence; that's our job as parents, bloody hell only moving out at age 35.

To my mind it’s going to be better for you with your disability for you to move. You might not get this opportunity again and he could decide to move in with a partner and start a family.

Make the move. He’s a grown-up and will manage.

He is being absolutely ridiculous! You need to move and he needs to move his stuff!

If he had been 20 or was vulnerable in someway I'd have said don't move but he is 36.
It sounds as though it's something you really want and it will make your life easier so you should move.

He is old enough and capable enough to stand on his own two feet . You should do what you want to do.

Move if he wants his stuff storing then pay for a storage room,there are plenty of them available.

so you can save £200 a month and he is spitting the dummy out.
most people at 36 have their shit together,and in a relationship not still wanting to live with mum & dad.
if he goes out tell him to book a hotel room.

tell him to piss off,he’s trying to make you feel guilty.

Sorry OP but this sounds a very dysfunctional relationship, your son is middle aged. You should absolutely do what is in your best interests. He sounds controlling and treating you both poorly, a loving son would want the best for their parents not to use them for his own gain

He’s 36!!!!

I thought you were going to say he was 19. Move!

@Collieflour Sorry but your are being very unreasonable enabling your 36! year old son to not grow up. You go ahead and move and put his stuff in storage. I would say the same if he was 26 but at 36 it's just absurd!!!

The OP is renting. So this doesn't apply.

OP, not only will you have lower rent, you will have a home better suited to your disabilities.

Put your son's stuff in storage and take the new flat.

YANBU - but I wouldn't be asking him to contribute, I would be telling him he had to move his stuff as you are moving to somewhere that meets your needs and will make your lives much easier.

If you end up staying because of him (which I really really don't think you should based on your posts) then he should be contributing the full £200 difference (plus any difference in council tax than the 2 bed place is costing over the 1 bed). Not some nominal sum.

He is THIRTY-SIX, he has been an adult for half his life and needs to realise that his disabled parents have their own needs.

I stopped reading at 36.

I'd assumed he was 18.

Put on your big girl pants, say a big fat no to him and go and live somewhere where your life will be easier and cheaper. And enjoy 🙂