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AIBU?

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Original poster

To ask DS to contribute

269 replies

Collieflour · 22/10/2026 07:46

DS left home four months ago. He left almost all of his belongings here - all his furniture (including his bed, sofa, two wardrobes, huge TV etc all of which he bought himself), his exercise equipment, sports gear, most of his clothes... All he took was a couple of cases/boxes as he moved into a furnished studio and didn't have room for anything else.

We live in a 2 bed house currently. DS's room is the larger bedroom with a little annexe bit he used as his mini gym. He has a LOT of stuff in there.

DH and I have been offered the opportunity to downsize to a lovely 1 bed flat which would reduce our rent by almost £200pm. However DS has asked us not to move as he would have nowhere to keep his things and it would be 'weird' not being able to come home to his childhood home. He says he has no room for all his belongings so would have to store them which would cost him at least £150pm. Also he stays here roughly once a week after a night out - he moved semi-rurally to be near his work and we are in the centre of town, so it's handy for him after nights out when he can't get back to his. He says that he would have to pay for hotels if we moved (the place we are looking at is a good way out of town). He currently has no plans to move to a bigger place so keeping his stuff here, and him staying over, is an indefinite arrangement. He has a key and comes and goes as he pleases.

WIBU to ask him for something towards storing his stuff to offset the cost of the extra rent we currently pay? To be absolutely clear, the new flat we are looking at is absolutely beautiful and is specifically for over 55s, DH and I are both in our 60s and I am disabled so it would be a real help, not least because of the lack of stairs which I find more difficult as time goes on. It's not that we don't want to move and we're using DS as a means to pay towards our rent, we really do want to go. We also have friends close by the new place and it's closer to DH's work.

We wouldn't ask much - maybe £50 or £75 a month - just to offset what we pay a bit. Before DS left he was paying us about £200 a month towards food and his share of the bills, for reference. He is 36 and earns a decent enough wage so could afford it, and it would be less than he would have to spend on storage/hotels. We are actually a little bit better off each month since he left (he was a big eater and a fan of central heating!) so again to be clear we are not trying to make money from him by attempting to claw back some of his board money that we no longer have. I'd say we're about £50pm better off since he left.

I am torn because I feel bad asking him for money but we would love to move, and having him to all intents and purposes still living here part time - which we love, don't get me wrong, he is always very welcome - is stopping us doing that. And also costing us money which we don't have really, in the extra rent we're currently paying but could save if we moved.

YABU - I shouldn't ask my son for money for keeping his room as his own

YANBU - It's fair he should contribute as he sort-of still lives here, and if he wasn't we could downsize to somewhere more suitable and pay less ourselves

Fully expect that IABU because I feel as if I am but needs must!

OP posts:
LancsMa · 22/10/2026 16:24

Oh my God... I was pondering the ins and outs of this until I got to the bit where he's 36!!!! I thought he was about 18 or 19. Move to your lovely new flat and tell him to sort his own shit out. Ridiculous levels of entitlement!

Ohhelpwhatnow · 22/10/2026 16:27

36???? Bugger that. He needs to rent somewhere he can keep his all his belongings with him and you need to move somewhere that meets your needs. Have a frank talk with him and explain why you need to move somewhere smaller and easier to manage.

PurpleThistle7 · 22/10/2026 16:27

arethereanyleftatall · 22/10/2026 07:54

The option I wanted isn’t there.

you should absolutely move, and tell your exceptionally selfish son to fuck off with his demands.

Indeed. I don’t see why a 36 year old needs a bedroom at mummy’s. How utterly bizarre.

live your life OP.

Decorhate · 22/10/2026 16:33

@Collieflour You say you are renting. So have you really been in the same house since your ds was a small child? Is it actually his childhood home? Even if you have lived there for decades, it's not like he is going to inherit the house so he is going to have to come to terms with that anyway.

The only thing I would be cautious about is the location of your new place. If it's a lot further out of town, is there public transport for when you are no longer driving?

Reallyneedsaholiday · 22/10/2026 16:35

YANBU but I’ll be honest and say that I’d think very hard before downsizing to a one bedroom place. Many couples need to sleep separately as they get older. Not all, but a lot do.

BakeOffChamp · 22/10/2026 16:37

@Collieflour tell him you need to move in with him so he can help you as you are disabled. See what he says then

Moellen54 · 22/10/2026 16:38

You have to think of you. Move to the flat but help him find storage until he decides to get rid of his clutter.
Can you get a sofa bed or a blow up for him for the odd overnight? That might soften the blow

OneNewEagle · 22/10/2026 16:41

There’s not a voting option fro it. But you and your husband move because of your health, I have a disability myself and some days the stairs are daunting .

your son then needs to rent a 1 bed flat to put his belongings in ,that’s where he lives now.

OneNewEagle · 22/10/2026 16:41

Moellen54 · 22/10/2026 16:38

You have to think of you. Move to the flat but help him find storage until he decides to get rid of his clutter.
Can you get a sofa bed or a blow up for him for the odd overnight? That might soften the blow

he won’t be able to stay it’s for over 55s.

RumPidgeon · 22/10/2026 16:57

YANBU - he is 36, time to crack on setting his own home up. You and your DH deserve to have the life you want - especially in light of your disabilities. Move and tell him to sort his belongings out or get a flat in town. Life has moved on for all of you - time to adjust to this.

EgregiouslyOverdressed · 22/10/2026 17:06

FuckoffeeBeforeCoffee · 22/10/2026 08:02

Thirty-fucking-six!

Word-for-word, my reaction too.

enidblythe · 22/10/2026 17:12

This is insane. Your relationship with your son and the way he dictates selfishly that you stay in accommodation that is physically not suitable for your needs is extraordinary.

take the beautiful flat, you deserve it. You sound like you have been amazing parents and are selfless and loving.
one of the best things you could do for your son is to support him to take responsibility for his own possessions and life.

are you fearful he will stop calling to you if his stuff is not at your house ?

be firm. Make a sensible decision to move somewhere where the
environment wil suit your disability. Imagine you have a fall or accident and suddenly your flat is unsuitable and you have let the other one go?

GrumpyButOk · 22/10/2026 17:18

Couldn't vote because I think you are being unreasonable in not moving to the flat. Your son would be selfish to expect you to stay especially given the ages of everyone involved, including him. Even worse, you are paying an extra £200 per month so that he doesn't have to pay £150 per month for storing his stuff. Maybe if he was in his teens...but he's closer to 40 than 30!

No, OP, tell him gently that life moves on, you no longer need the larger family home and that you have to start considering the next stage of life for your ages.

Good luck!

Ligesani · 22/10/2026 17:27

You need to move now while you still can, to something that will be suitable as you age and become frail. I'm going through this with elderly parents right now and I wish to goodness they had moved years ago.

Your son is a cheeky fucker and needs to get his stuff and deal with it.

Cailin66 · 22/10/2026 17:50

Collieflour · 22/10/2026 08:02

Oh wow, thank you all for your responses which seem pretty unanimous!

I definitely hear what you're all saying. DS left home briefly for the first year of uni then lived at home for the rest of his course (he went to uni a short train journey away so it made sense). He's always been quite a homebody and showed no signs of wanting to move out until earlier this year when DH and I gently suggested he might consider it, being 35 as he was then. We helped him find his place and although it was a bit emotional it's all gone off smoothly.

I think the 'keeping his stuff' is really just code for him not wanting to make the break permanent. Which is also why he doesn't want us to move. I don't think he's being malicious, we are just extremely close and he doesn't want to sever ties. I would be sad to move too, in a way, but DH and I are so ready for a fresh start in a more suitable/affordable place.

Oh my goodness what a lovely mother you are. I cannot vote on your AIBU because you are insane to put your needs wants and wishes as an older couple, one of whom is somewhat disabled for the convenience of a 36 year old.

If his “stuff” is important to him, he will sort it out himself. It is NOT your problem. And tell him to go out locally to where he is, you’re not there to be a hotel. Just buy a nice sofa bed which he can stay on if he visits !

You really need to go to the lovely place you’ve found for your retirement.

RuinartRuination · 22/10/2026 17:52

If he earns a "decent wage" then he can get himself a bigger place and store his own stuff. Move to the flat, OP.

PoorPhaedra · 22/10/2026 17:57

He’s 36!!! I thought you’d say he was 18! I have friends who were grandads by the age of 36!!!

Anyahyacinth · 22/10/2026 18:00

Just move, the opportunity may not arise easily again. You need it for YOUR future.

User3456 · 22/10/2026 18:02

Offer him the choice of contributing to your rent or storing his stuff so you can move

Ponoka7 · 22/10/2026 18:07

Grab the over 55 housing. We sold up last year and it's been great. As we age our health/disabilities don't get any better. I'd offer half of the storage costs for now. But he has to face up to sorting his stuff out and weigh up the cost if storage for a couple of years compared with buying new stuff.

autumnalannie · 22/10/2026 18:10

He’s 36? I was wondering how I’d feel about a 21 like this, but at 36… Live your life!!!

Sadie516 · 22/10/2026 18:11

Collieflour · 22/10/2026 07:46

DS left home four months ago. He left almost all of his belongings here - all his furniture (including his bed, sofa, two wardrobes, huge TV etc all of which he bought himself), his exercise equipment, sports gear, most of his clothes... All he took was a couple of cases/boxes as he moved into a furnished studio and didn't have room for anything else.

We live in a 2 bed house currently. DS's room is the larger bedroom with a little annexe bit he used as his mini gym. He has a LOT of stuff in there.

DH and I have been offered the opportunity to downsize to a lovely 1 bed flat which would reduce our rent by almost £200pm. However DS has asked us not to move as he would have nowhere to keep his things and it would be 'weird' not being able to come home to his childhood home. He says he has no room for all his belongings so would have to store them which would cost him at least £150pm. Also he stays here roughly once a week after a night out - he moved semi-rurally to be near his work and we are in the centre of town, so it's handy for him after nights out when he can't get back to his. He says that he would have to pay for hotels if we moved (the place we are looking at is a good way out of town). He currently has no plans to move to a bigger place so keeping his stuff here, and him staying over, is an indefinite arrangement. He has a key and comes and goes as he pleases.

WIBU to ask him for something towards storing his stuff to offset the cost of the extra rent we currently pay? To be absolutely clear, the new flat we are looking at is absolutely beautiful and is specifically for over 55s, DH and I are both in our 60s and I am disabled so it would be a real help, not least because of the lack of stairs which I find more difficult as time goes on. It's not that we don't want to move and we're using DS as a means to pay towards our rent, we really do want to go. We also have friends close by the new place and it's closer to DH's work.

We wouldn't ask much - maybe £50 or £75 a month - just to offset what we pay a bit. Before DS left he was paying us about £200 a month towards food and his share of the bills, for reference. He is 36 and earns a decent enough wage so could afford it, and it would be less than he would have to spend on storage/hotels. We are actually a little bit better off each month since he left (he was a big eater and a fan of central heating!) so again to be clear we are not trying to make money from him by attempting to claw back some of his board money that we no longer have. I'd say we're about £50pm better off since he left.

I am torn because I feel bad asking him for money but we would love to move, and having him to all intents and purposes still living here part time - which we love, don't get me wrong, he is always very welcome - is stopping us doing that. And also costing us money which we don't have really, in the extra rent we're currently paying but could save if we moved.

YABU - I shouldn't ask my son for money for keeping his room as his own

YANBU - It's fair he should contribute as he sort-of still lives here, and if he wasn't we could downsize to somewhere more suitable and pay less ourselves

Fully expect that IABU because I feel as if I am but needs must!

I'm guessing you won't take any advice, because you sound so lovely and want to do the right thing for your son. But he doesn't get to have 2 homes! It's about what's best for you now. Storage for his things won't cost that much! And he'll just have to stay at his friend's house when he goes out with them. It'll work itself out.... I promise you, but he's being a bit selfish not realising that this is the best move for his parents!

OldieWoldie · 22/10/2026 18:19

Sounds like a wonderful opportunity for you, you're not going to get younger or fitter . He can sell his stuff and buy more when he gets a bigger place.

Jllllllll · 22/10/2026 18:20

I thought you were going to say he was mid twenties. At 36 he’s a fully fully grown adult. Tell him to either find storage for his stuff or sell it and you move to what’s best for you.

HMW19061 · 22/10/2026 18:32

YABU not to tell him to get his stuff in storage and that you are moving to a property that is better suited to YOUR needs not his needs. He’s 36, he needs to grow up and realise how unreasonable he is being.