To ask DS to contribute

[Collieflour]

DS left home four months ago. He left almost all of his belongings here - all his furniture (including his bed, sofa, two wardrobes, huge TV etc all of which he bought himself), his exercise equipment, sports gear, most of his clothes... All he took was a couple of cases/boxes as he moved into a furnished studio and didn't have room for anything else.

We live in a 2 bed house currently. DS's room is the larger bedroom with a little annexe bit he used as his mini gym. He has a LOT of stuff in there.

DH and I have been offered the opportunity to downsize to a lovely 1 bed flat which would reduce our rent by almost £200pm. However DS has asked us not to move as he would have nowhere to keep his things and it would be 'weird' not being able to come home to his childhood home. He says he has no room for all his belongings so would have to store them which would cost him at least £150pm. Also he stays here roughly once a week after a night out - he moved semi-rurally to be near his work and we are in the centre of town, so it's handy for him after nights out when he can't get back to his. He says that he would have to pay for hotels if we moved (the place we are looking at is a good way out of town). He currently has no plans to move to a bigger place so keeping his stuff here, and him staying over, is an indefinite arrangement. He has a key and comes and goes as he pleases.

WIBU to ask him for something towards storing his stuff to offset the cost of the extra rent we currently pay? To be absolutely clear, the new flat we are looking at is absolutely beautiful and is specifically for over 55s, DH and I are both in our 60s and I am disabled so it would be a real help, not least because of the lack of stairs which I find more difficult as time goes on. It's not that we don't want to move and we're using DS as a means to pay towards our rent, we really do want to go. We also have friends close by the new place and it's closer to DH's work.

We wouldn't ask much - maybe £50 or £75 a month - just to offset what we pay a bit. Before DS left he was paying us about £200 a month towards food and his share of the bills, for reference. He is 36 and earns a decent enough wage so could afford it, and it would be less than he would have to spend on storage/hotels. We are actually a little bit better off each month since he left (he was a big eater and a fan of central heating!) so again to be clear we are not trying to make money from him by attempting to claw back some of his board money that we no longer have. I'd say we're about £50pm better off since he left.

I am torn because I feel bad asking him for money but we would love to move, and having him to all intents and purposes still living here part time - which we love, don't get me wrong, he is always very welcome - is stopping us doing that. And also costing us money which we don't have really, in the extra rent we're currently paying but could save if we moved.

YABU - I shouldn't ask my son for money for keeping his room as his own

YANBU - It's fair he should contribute as he sort-of still lives here, and if he wasn't we could downsize to somewhere more suitable and pay less ourselves

Fully expect that IABU because I feel as if I am but needs must!

You should move he's being really entitled and selfish

Also op, it sounds like he’s single. Maybe he’s chosen that, and it’s an understandable choice imo. But if he hasn’t, and wants a partner, this attitude that I’m afraid you have enabled that the world should revolve around him, won’t be helping. No one will tolerate a partner who only thinks about what they want, uses emotional manipulation to get it, and treats their own parents like shit. So long term, being a doormat isn’t actually being supportive.

That's insanity, tell your son to move his things into storage or sell them as you're moving, he's taking the piss. If you're wanting to move you should move. He's a Muppet.

I have said you’re being unreasonable - unreasonable to stay in a house that doesn’t meet your needs just to be a storage unit for DS. Move! He’s 36. He can get rid of his stuff or iIf he likes your flat so much he can rent it instead.

Oh lol,I read through this thinking hmm, yes maybe ask for a little money etc, till I read he was 36! My parents would have (did) chucked my stuff out years before then! He can sell his stuff or get storage. Why should you be burdened with his stuff? It’s a lesson we all have to learn.

Take the flat. I assumed he was 18/19. 36 is a fully fledged adult. No, his disabled mother won't be living in expensive housing instead a a cheaper, better set up so he has a place to crash after a night out and free storage.

Absolutely bonkers! He's a grown adult man, time for him to look after his own stuff. Do you enjoy him being this reliant on you?

36?!? I genuinely thought you were going to say he was very early 20s. He's being wildly unreasonable. Honestly, unless he's got something else going on, that has caused him to be so tied to the apron strings, he's a great example of "failure to launch".
Just tell him you're moving, he's got until X date to deal with his belongings, and that's that. Honestly, at that big age, you don't owe him a thing.

No! Tell him to come and collect his things as he’s 36 and it’s time he stood on his own feet! The new apartment sounds much better for you and your DH, time to live your own life and please yourself. These retirement apartments usually have a spare room you can book for guests for a night at a small cost if he still wants to stop over he can but not store all his stuff at yours!

I thought this would be about a 19 year old or someone in their very early 20s.

He's 36!!!! 36!!!!

Of course you should move to the flat.

Kindly @Collieflour you have made his life so far easy enough. You have been facilitating his comfortable living arrangements. Time to do what you want to do

Hilarious. I thought he was going to be 22 at the most. At 36 he needs to accept Mummy and Daddy might sell the family home.

I would say ‘We’re going ahead with the move. I know it’s a big change for us all but Dad and I aren’t getting any younger and we need a smaller place. We can’t keep a house because you like crashing there after a night on the sauce. I think it will all go through by February so that gives you time to think about your plans. Whether you want a storage facility, a bigger place, sell some of your things. Let’s put aside those few days between Christmas and New Year for all your belongings to be gone. In the meantime here are four bin bags of clothes, you have space for them, or take them to the charity shop. I’ll be bringing small stuff over to get the ball rolling, but it’s sofas and the gym equipment you need to rehome.

Our DS moved into his flat 4 years ago. He left lots of his stuff here as he didn’t have room for it. 2 years later he moved in with his gf and still didn’t have room for it. They will be moving into a house soon, all of his shit belongings will be taken to his new place for him to sort. We are fed up of the sight of it.

Also, OP, yes, leaving a place can be emotional and people want to hold on to the memories it contains but don’t make it a burden. A friend wouldn’t sell her parents old home for nearly 2 years because she was so emotionally attached to it. She hadn’t lived there for over 40 years but saw it as her connection to her past. She sold it last year and still goes out of her way to drive past it every month.

36????!!!
I thought you were going to say he was 19 or something.
He's almost middle aged! He can sort out his own stuff, get rid if it doesn't fit in his place.
You should move to the new place!

I'm in the neother option camp too.

Snap up that little flat!

DS is slow to lauch, fair enough (better than failing to) but he will be held back by the set up at home. It will stop him moving on from having a studio as there's no driving need to get more space.

He still needs pushing to be a fully fleged adult. You need to move.

He's heading towards 40! If he wants to keep his stuff, put it into storage.

Take the flat. You can't live your life to be his occasional crash pad. It's not like he's 19 and just setting out in the world. Most men his age are partnered up, if not already married with children!

He's a grown man and shouldn't be assuming you'll keep the same house forever as a storage unit for his things.

Can he sell some of it? It's clearly not used often if it's not even in his own house, and he said he would need a storage unit for 150 pm. He didn't say he wanted to use the stuff?!

So tell him sadly he'll need to shift it.

This one is simple imo: He pays the £200 per month difference in rent if he wants you to stay where you are AND you're happy to do so. If you're not happy to stay there OR he refuses to pay, then he takes/stores/sells/whatever his stuff and you downsize.

36?????? What a CF. Tell him to get his stuff moved so that you can move. I'm surprised you really needed to ask.

As others have said, you need to put your needs first, and he needs to sort his own stuff or sell it. Move to the lovely flat.

I was sympathetic to him until I read the section where you mentioned his age... 36!!!!

I really thought he was going to be early 20's, just got his first job and first home, doesn't want to chuck out his gear as hell be upsizing soon etc.

But 36! Just no. He's got to stand on his own 2 feet. If he wants to keep his stuff then he can pay for storage. It's not your job to offer your house as a storage container just to save him money.

You've done your parenting of a dependent child, you deserve to be able to do what you want now after 36 years of dependancy.

Get that lovely new flat asap before someone else snaps it up, and enjoy!!

When my parents downsized they just said this is when we are moving. If you want any of your stuff that’s still here come and get it or it’s going to the tip. IMO that was perfectly reasonable of them.
He is 36FGS.

He only moved out when he was 35?!?!
Move, don't tell him where to. And sell his stuff if he doesn't collect it, use the money to go on nice holiday and he doesn't have to pay for storage. Win win 🤣🤣🤣

I thought you were going to say he's 20.
He's 36 and taking advantage of you both.
He sounds manipulative tbh, bringing up the childhood home and having to pay for hotels, all designed to make you feel sorry for him.

@Collieflour Sorry I am going to be blunt. Your son needs to gown up. When he left he should have taken his belongings with him or disposed of them. I will be honest my Mum had one box of my belongings for years and I have only just recovered then in my 60's but that is wholly different from what your son is doing.

His argument appears to be that you should give up the opportunity of a nice new home more suitable for your needs, and the opportunity of reducing your outgoings by £200 per month, so he can avoid having to remove the stuff from your home and/or avoid paying storage fees of £150 per month! How selfish.

You move and you get a bed settee for when he comes to visit. Its called "growing up" and taking responsibility for himself. He cannot just decide to move out to his all singing all dancing new home, leave you with his detritus, deny you the use of the rooms he has abandoned because he is not willing to take the hit and expect you to pay for his pleasure.

I understand that emotionally he will find it hard losing his childhood bedroom, but he made that decision when he moved out and his main concern should be your welfare. His priorities are very wrong.

So no, you don't ask him to pay, you tell him you are moving, you will get a bed settee for his visits, if he can't dispose of his possessions from your home, you will place them in storage and cover the first months rental and then what he does with it is up to him.

As to: YABU - I shouldn't ask my son for money for keeping his room as his own
YANBU - It's fair he should contribute as he sort-of still lives here, and if he wasn't we could downsize to somewhere more suitable and pay less ourselves

Sorry, I have not voted because neither of your options are the logical choice in your situation. I think your voting is flawed.

He’s 36. You aren’t being unreasonable at all to want to downsize to a cheaper more reasonable priced and more accessible flat.
I wouldn’t feel bad at all.
Throwing his stuff away would be unreasonable. Saying we are moving you’ll need to move your things is totally fine. Life moves on.