To ask DS to contribute

[Collieflour]

DS left home four months ago. He left almost all of his belongings here - all his furniture (including his bed, sofa, two wardrobes, huge TV etc all of which he bought himself), his exercise equipment, sports gear, most of his clothes... All he took was a couple of cases/boxes as he moved into a furnished studio and didn't have room for anything else.

We live in a 2 bed house currently. DS's room is the larger bedroom with a little annexe bit he used as his mini gym. He has a LOT of stuff in there.

DH and I have been offered the opportunity to downsize to a lovely 1 bed flat which would reduce our rent by almost £200pm. However DS has asked us not to move as he would have nowhere to keep his things and it would be 'weird' not being able to come home to his childhood home. He says he has no room for all his belongings so would have to store them which would cost him at least £150pm. Also he stays here roughly once a week after a night out - he moved semi-rurally to be near his work and we are in the centre of town, so it's handy for him after nights out when he can't get back to his. He says that he would have to pay for hotels if we moved (the place we are looking at is a good way out of town). He currently has no plans to move to a bigger place so keeping his stuff here, and him staying over, is an indefinite arrangement. He has a key and comes and goes as he pleases.

WIBU to ask him for something towards storing his stuff to offset the cost of the extra rent we currently pay? To be absolutely clear, the new flat we are looking at is absolutely beautiful and is specifically for over 55s, DH and I are both in our 60s and I am disabled so it would be a real help, not least because of the lack of stairs which I find more difficult as time goes on. It's not that we don't want to move and we're using DS as a means to pay towards our rent, we really do want to go. We also have friends close by the new place and it's closer to DH's work.

We wouldn't ask much - maybe £50 or £75 a month - just to offset what we pay a bit. Before DS left he was paying us about £200 a month towards food and his share of the bills, for reference. He is 36 and earns a decent enough wage so could afford it, and it would be less than he would have to spend on storage/hotels. We are actually a little bit better off each month since he left (he was a big eater and a fan of central heating!) so again to be clear we are not trying to make money from him by attempting to claw back some of his board money that we no longer have. I'd say we're about £50pm better off since he left.

I am torn because I feel bad asking him for money but we would love to move, and having him to all intents and purposes still living here part time - which we love, don't get me wrong, he is always very welcome - is stopping us doing that. And also costing us money which we don't have really, in the extra rent we're currently paying but could save if we moved.

YABU - I shouldn't ask my son for money for keeping his room as his own

YANBU - It's fair he should contribute as he sort-of still lives here, and if he wasn't we could downsize to somewhere more suitable and pay less ourselves

Fully expect that IABU because I feel as if I am but needs must!

Move - just move! Sign those papers now and give son a deadline for moving his stuff out. If he can't grow up at 36 he never will! Your parenting duties ended a long time ago!

Downsize and enjoy your new life. DS has options - find a bigger flat, pay for a storage facility somewhere Big Yellow etc, sell or dispose of his stuff for example - he just needs to grow up and pick one. He wants to move on his with his life but wants you as a comfortable safety net where he can leave his belongings and crash after a night out, which at his age is totally unreasonable.

36!!!

When I was reading it I assumed he was about 20 and just left home for the first time.

Tell him to get a grip, then get his stuff, or you'll be sticking it on Marketplace to get rid before you move.

I downsized massively six years ago. I had a five bedroomed house which was still full to the rafters of all my kids' stuff that they'd never taken with them. Books, clothes, beds - they all had places to live which they'd furnished with lovely new things. Anything they'd REALLY wanted they had taken with them.

So I gave them a weekend to come and take anything else that they wanted and then got the whole house cleared. That way I could reassure myself that if it was something that had sentimental value or that they had discovered they needed, they had got it. Everything else was just junk or with me for convenience sake.

And none of them would have DARED to tell me I 'couldn't' move!

and it would be 'weird' not being able to come home to his childhood home.

Whats wrong with what he said? Are you offended by the weird that you put it in quotes?

Regarding you question, if you can’t afford extra £200, then tell him that and ask him to contribute.

This is a good idea. He could rent with a friend.

Agree with just giving him notice to remove his stuff - there is no incentive for him to sort/bin/store it while he has free storage at your home.

He should either pay you £300pcm (the difference in rent and the added heating costs etc) associated with the extra room - or move it all into storage and pay the £150. However, the likelihood is that he could get rid of most of it and just pay £30-40pcm for storing the essential stuff and, even then, it will actually be cheaper to just get rid because a) he is not using them now/hasn’t for years and b) years of monthly storage adds up and he will find he will spend more than if he just got rid and replaced in a few years time as needed. We discovered this ourselves.

Storage is an expensive con, unless you have parents who have allowed you to commandeer their largest room for free for years.

It's seriously time that he grows up. It's his choice of he wants to live like a teenager for the rest of his life, but that shouldn't impact you.

I was torn until I saw his age! 36!! I have a similar issue and I’ve been paying for storage since I was in my 20s - at this point the storage price has surpassed the value of what’s in there, really.

I’m having a similar issue with DD (moved out and is using her old room as a dumping ground but doesn’t want me touching it), but she’s only early 20s. At 36 he should be a little bit embarrassed, to be honest.

Are you currently somewhere he could inherit the tenancy? Wondering if that’s a factor for wanting you to stay

I don’t think he’d be able to since they’re downsizing, not passed away - but I might be wrong.

OP, this move is too beneficial long term for you both.
Do not allow this opportunity pass you buy.
Tell him no that you will be moving and he either sells his stuff or puts it in storage. The end. How extraordinarily entitled of him.

He is 36, I was assuming you'd say 19ish.
He's fully grown and taking the Mick.
Move if that's what you both want. He cannot expect you to keep his rooms.

That’s what I mean, he may want them to stay if eventually he can inherit the tenancy. May not apply of course

sell your place and move into the flat. He doesn’t get to dictate. He needs to sell his stuff or find a larger place for himself. Not your issue. I can’t believe you are even considering either option.

36! What a joker. Most 36 year olds are married with kids and he’s just left home. He can either pay to store it elsewhere or sell it, his choice.

Dare I say it, it's a little bit of emotional blackmail how he explains it's "weird" that he can't go back to his childhood home. It's like he's trying to keep you there because it benefits him, not considering your needs, i.e. the cheaper rent, the stairs, closer to DH work. He's got it cushy that he can go on a weekly night out and crash back at your place with all his stuff still and home gym. Of course he doesn't want you to move! You have to do what is best for you but it would be interesting to see what he says if you make this suggestion of having some "storage" contribution. It sounds like you're being more than reasonable trying to negotiate a small fee to keep the house in you're staying in because that's what he wants.

blimey op I thought you were going to say he was around 19/20 or so!! He’s 36!!!! He’s being an absolute tightwad using your space like this. Make the move. He’s a big boy now!

I’m on another thread saying that my dad has said his home will always be ours. It’s really nice to know but me and my sisters would be so happy if he moved into a property that was more suited to his current and future needs. His staircase is scary steep and it’s not easy for him to get up. For various reasons this couldn’t happen when he did think about doing it and he is not wanting to do it now which is really sad. Your needs and quality of life are important. It’s such a sensible thing to do at this stage.

I wouldn’t talk about money at all, not in terms of savings for you or costs for him. I would simply as other pp’s have said look at the current and long term benefits of being in more suitable accommodation.

When I started reading the post I assumed he was around my son's age. He'll be 19 in two days. I'm 42, so he's closer to my age.

No. He needs to grow up. Or contribute.

He is 36 years old and has a home elsewhere.
I think you absolutely must do what is right for you and move.

It will be harder to move as you get older. You should absolutely take the new flat and he will have to organise his own possessions.
He is being beyond selfish to expect you to lose out on the new home.
I’m livid on your behalf.

Gosh, I thought you were going to say your son was only 18! He's nearly middle aged! Given that stairs are already difficult for you to navigate, I would probably err on the side of taking the flat now. If you can afford it, maybe you could say you'll contribute £50 a month to storage of his items for a year, while he either tries to find somewhere else to live or decides what's worth keeping/selling.

He could speak to his landlord to check if it's possible for some of the furniture that came with the flat to be moved out. If not, he can look for an unfurnished flat, or he can consider how attached he is to these things and whether they're worth thousands a year in storage, or if he's better off selling them/giving them away now.

You would not be unreasonable to ask for money - but you are being unreasonable even considering to stay in a house that isn't ideally suited to your disability, just so he has a place to crash once a week and somewhere to store his shit.

Or rather, he is being unreasonable.

Just move.