To ask DS to contribute

[Collieflour]

DS left home four months ago. He left almost all of his belongings here - all his furniture (including his bed, sofa, two wardrobes, huge TV etc all of which he bought himself), his exercise equipment, sports gear, most of his clothes... All he took was a couple of cases/boxes as he moved into a furnished studio and didn't have room for anything else.

We live in a 2 bed house currently. DS's room is the larger bedroom with a little annexe bit he used as his mini gym. He has a LOT of stuff in there.

DH and I have been offered the opportunity to downsize to a lovely 1 bed flat which would reduce our rent by almost £200pm. However DS has asked us not to move as he would have nowhere to keep his things and it would be 'weird' not being able to come home to his childhood home. He says he has no room for all his belongings so would have to store them which would cost him at least £150pm. Also he stays here roughly once a week after a night out - he moved semi-rurally to be near his work and we are in the centre of town, so it's handy for him after nights out when he can't get back to his. He says that he would have to pay for hotels if we moved (the place we are looking at is a good way out of town). He currently has no plans to move to a bigger place so keeping his stuff here, and him staying over, is an indefinite arrangement. He has a key and comes and goes as he pleases.

WIBU to ask him for something towards storing his stuff to offset the cost of the extra rent we currently pay? To be absolutely clear, the new flat we are looking at is absolutely beautiful and is specifically for over 55s, DH and I are both in our 60s and I am disabled so it would be a real help, not least because of the lack of stairs which I find more difficult as time goes on. It's not that we don't want to move and we're using DS as a means to pay towards our rent, we really do want to go. We also have friends close by the new place and it's closer to DH's work.

We wouldn't ask much - maybe £50 or £75 a month - just to offset what we pay a bit. Before DS left he was paying us about £200 a month towards food and his share of the bills, for reference. He is 36 and earns a decent enough wage so could afford it, and it would be less than he would have to spend on storage/hotels. We are actually a little bit better off each month since he left (he was a big eater and a fan of central heating!) so again to be clear we are not trying to make money from him by attempting to claw back some of his board money that we no longer have. I'd say we're about £50pm better off since he left.

I am torn because I feel bad asking him for money but we would love to move, and having him to all intents and purposes still living here part time - which we love, don't get me wrong, he is always very welcome - is stopping us doing that. And also costing us money which we don't have really, in the extra rent we're currently paying but could save if we moved.

YABU - I shouldn't ask my son for money for keeping his room as his own

YANBU - It's fair he should contribute as he sort-of still lives here, and if he wasn't we could downsize to somewhere more suitable and pay less ourselves

Fully expect that IABU because I feel as if I am but needs must!

He’s very much old enough to not expect to this have his stuff and a room to return to in his parents home. Especially as you’re disabled, think about your own making your own lives easier. Why should you have to pay an extra £200 a month and live somewhere you don’t want to to save him £150 on storage fees.

I’d 100% move!

You need to move to the flat without stairs. Don't wait until you can't use the stairs. Your son needs to sort his stuff out ... sell it or store it.

You wouldn't be unreasonable to charge him for the storage/one nights stay, but it sounds like you really like the other place and it would be more suited for you in the long term. He is a grown adult and needs to find ways round his situations one way or another, you need to do what is best for you. If you turn the other place down, when will the next opportunity come along? Especially if you struggle with stairs already

Tell him to grow up move his stuff or you'll sell it
He wants his cake and to eat it..why should you fund his lifestyle he can afford it.. then move you only live once

I wouldn’t be asking him for money I’d be telling him we are moving. He’s not a young adult. He needs to adult

Your DS is 36 and old enough to organise his own stuff. You do what is right for you and your DH and that sounds like the move to the one bed flat. Time to put your needs ahead of your DS. The move to the flat is a great way for you to future proof your living requirements. Do it now while you can and don’t leave it until it’s too late and the type of flat you need is no longer available or offered .

Another vote that you should move.

You need to move on and have a life that works for you and DH, and your DS needs to not have a way back. Time to declutter and then storage will cost him less, and frankly if he hasn’t needed it since he moved out he probably doesn’t need it at all!

He’s 36. It’s time to cut the cord and tell him to get his crap out. You’ll be doing him a favor.

He’s 36 for gods sake, not a child! Make the move. Tell him when you’re going and tell him his stuff needs to be gone a week before that. It is not your responsibility and making it a discussion rather than just telling him how it is, is simply adding fuel to the fire. He’s being utterly selfush.

He stays one night a week at yours so he can go out and socialize? If you don’t let him stay, a 36 year old man will have to stay in a hotel so he can go out? His old room in your house is still the bigger one, storing all his stuff? How long did he live with you into his thirties only paying £200 a month? He must be loaded with all the money you saved him or bought a load of crap instead that he now wants to store at yours.

Read your post OP. You are disabled and need to move somewhere to improve your quality of life, but your greedy, entitled son refuses to adult and expects you to parent him for life. Posts like this fill me with dread, I feel so sorry for you and your DH.

I was with you until you said he was 36!
Christ we all want to help our kids but at 36 his gym equipment really isn't your problem.
Come on. Have a word with him and move to that lovely new flat.
X

Good grief I can’t even believe you need to ask for advice. He’s left home, he’s a man . Tell him you’re moving and his personal items are his to take , debate or dump. Tell him to buy a blow up bed for when he wants to stay . I love my children more than life itself but they are all adults , have their own homes and responsible for themselves .

Move anyway even if he were to contribute which I fear wouldn’t last anyway! The new place would suit your needs better and that’s the point not just the reduction in rent!

Agree the move and give him the date by which his stuff must be removed or get house clearance people in who will offset the cost against them selling the items.

He’s galloping towards 40! Time to grow up!!

Why doesn’t he just take over the rent of your current place and you move to the new one?

Live your life and do whats best for YOU!
I absolutely guarantee if you son meets someone/his job changes etc he will be the first to up sticks and bugger off! The resentment that would bring to you and your husband will be unreal after giving up the opportunity of the flat of your dreams.
He's an adult and can take responsibility for storing his own stuff!

I was not expecting this to be about a 36 year old working man, with a decent income and his own (albeit small) home.

You need to look after yourselves and make the move as it sounds like it will be hugely beneficial to you both financially and physically.

If he needs to pay to store his things, so be it, and if he doesn’t want to do that, then like all us adults, he needs to be ruthless and sell/donate the items he cannot accommodate.

Good luck with the move and don’t let guilt get the better of you. It sounds like you’ve done a good job raising him to the point he is at xx

I’ve voted YANBU but you are being unreasonable to put his needs before your own. Time for him to stand on his own 2 feet, something he should have done 10 years ago!