To ask DS to contribute

[Collieflour]

DS left home four months ago. He left almost all of his belongings here - all his furniture (including his bed, sofa, two wardrobes, huge TV etc all of which he bought himself), his exercise equipment, sports gear, most of his clothes... All he took was a couple of cases/boxes as he moved into a furnished studio and didn't have room for anything else.

We live in a 2 bed house currently. DS's room is the larger bedroom with a little annexe bit he used as his mini gym. He has a LOT of stuff in there.

DH and I have been offered the opportunity to downsize to a lovely 1 bed flat which would reduce our rent by almost £200pm. However DS has asked us not to move as he would have nowhere to keep his things and it would be 'weird' not being able to come home to his childhood home. He says he has no room for all his belongings so would have to store them which would cost him at least £150pm. Also he stays here roughly once a week after a night out - he moved semi-rurally to be near his work and we are in the centre of town, so it's handy for him after nights out when he can't get back to his. He says that he would have to pay for hotels if we moved (the place we are looking at is a good way out of town). He currently has no plans to move to a bigger place so keeping his stuff here, and him staying over, is an indefinite arrangement. He has a key and comes and goes as he pleases.

WIBU to ask him for something towards storing his stuff to offset the cost of the extra rent we currently pay? To be absolutely clear, the new flat we are looking at is absolutely beautiful and is specifically for over 55s, DH and I are both in our 60s and I am disabled so it would be a real help, not least because of the lack of stairs which I find more difficult as time goes on. It's not that we don't want to move and we're using DS as a means to pay towards our rent, we really do want to go. We also have friends close by the new place and it's closer to DH's work.

We wouldn't ask much - maybe £50 or £75 a month - just to offset what we pay a bit. Before DS left he was paying us about £200 a month towards food and his share of the bills, for reference. He is 36 and earns a decent enough wage so could afford it, and it would be less than he would have to spend on storage/hotels. We are actually a little bit better off each month since he left (he was a big eater and a fan of central heating!) so again to be clear we are not trying to make money from him by attempting to claw back some of his board money that we no longer have. I'd say we're about £50pm better off since he left.

I am torn because I feel bad asking him for money but we would love to move, and having him to all intents and purposes still living here part time - which we love, don't get me wrong, he is always very welcome - is stopping us doing that. And also costing us money which we don't have really, in the extra rent we're currently paying but could save if we moved.

YABU - I shouldn't ask my son for money for keeping his room as his own

YANBU - It's fair he should contribute as he sort-of still lives here, and if he wasn't we could downsize to somewhere more suitable and pay less ourselves

Fully expect that IABU because I feel as if I am but needs must!

He’s 36 years old. Tell him to jog on and sort his stuff out. Go and live in your lovely new flat. He’s a grown man and can look after himself.

Move and he can use a storage unit.

When my DS moved out he asked if he could leave two boxes in our loft with his old school books and his sports trophies in, we have the room so it’s no bother. He took everything.

I just read you are disabled, honestly your DS is a bully and just using the whole situation for his convenience. Please move.

WTF is going on OP. He has a flat and the best room and the annexe whilst you pay an extra £200pm and are nervous of asking him to pull his weight?
This is absurd? surely you can see

He's 36. Take the flat and tell him to shift his shit.

Not quite sure how to vote because I do think you're being unreasonable but because you shouldn't charge your son for storage. You're unreasonable because, if you want to move, you should move.

Flippin heck, I thought you meant he was 19!! Take the flat and he needs to put his stuff in storage or get rid. Don't you think it's about time he stood on his own two feet?

I thought you were going to say he was 18 and would have had a bit more sympathy for him but at 36 he doesn't get a say in where you live.
I think you will regret it if you don't move now.
He can pay for a storage unit or move and take his stuff to a new place. He can even sell the stuff as he clearly doesn't want or need it if he's not taken it with him. At 36 I hadn't lived at home for 16; years and had two children. I think you are letting him take advantage.
So what if he has to pay for hotels and transport? He chose to live semi rurally, perhaps he should have thought about where he was going to stay after nights out instead of assuming his parents would let him stay.
You need to move, you will regret it otherwise and don't let your son emotionally blackmail you. It's a cheaper house, no stairs, easy for work, friends close by it sounds perfect.
Tell your son you can't manage the stairs and DH needs to be closer to work so you are moving. He doesn't get a say in it.
He needs to grow up, he sounds very immature.

He's being incredibly selfish. You need to say no and move. His parents are getting on, disabled and have the opportunity to make their life substantially easier for the future and he, a full grown man, has said no because he'd have to look after his own stuff.

He's nearly middle aged for crying out loud

He is being selfish. Of course you should move - it sounds ideal for you. Your son is a grown man and needs to either move to somewhere big enough for all his stuff, or sell it, or organise and pay for his own storage.

He is probably so used to your disability and the fact that you don’t complain that he doesn’t notice or think about it. You and your DH need to have a serious talk with him about your problems (not his) and how you see your future.

He’s 36! THIRTY SIX!!

Tell him you ARE moving and he needs to find a place to keep his stuff.

36 ffs.

I haven't voted because your options are bonkers. He's a grown man just move.

This! He’s being incredibly selfish demanding that you keep his stuff when you want to downsize which would be be extremely beneficial for you. He needs to sell/give away his stuff which is stopping you moving on. That’s ridiculous.

@Collieflour he shouldn’t expect this of you. Please go for the flat you want and live your best life. As an adult, storage is on him. Not freeloading off you and treating your home like an hotel.

we are just extremely close

Close going on enmeshed, by the sound of things. I'd be willing to bet that girlfriends have not been a significant feature in his life.

He needs you to make this move for his own good.

I read your post with some empathy for your son, OP, until like other posters I hit the part where you say he is 36! Time for him to cut the apron strings. I cannot believe he is expecting his senior parents, one disabled, to not live their own lives because he needs a place to store his stuff and a place to crash after his nights out. Do him a favour, OP, say no.

Are you afraid of how he'll react if you move, OP?
It's a ridiculous situation, you shouldn't be staying there because of him.

I would move to the 1 bedroom flat if the flat is what you really want.

Who the hell voted YABU? 😂

Hi OP 👋
I haven't RTFT just your replies and i was all for your son having a spare room to come back to and store all his gear... UNTIL I READ HE WAS 36!?

Just no.
You are not a storage facility/hotel for the night when he goes out on the lash 🥴

I would he getting his stuff back to him, and he can either pay to store HIS gear or he can sell HIS gear. It's HIS PROBLEM TO SOLVE.
You should NOT foot any of the bill. 💯

It's all dandy him saying he needs to store and bunk in yours for drunken nights, and putting his needs first, but it's at your detriment. 😡
You say you are disabled and you would benefit (financially etc) by moving to a flat?
DO IT.
DO IT ASAP.
DO IT FOR YOURSELF.
Please prioritise yourself and your health.
Expect push back and guilt trips from your lad, but stick to your guns.

Best of luck OP 🫂
@Collieflour

He's 36. Ignore the tugging on heart strings about the family home. He just wants you to store his stuff.

You've done your parenting, set your life up how works for you.

I think perhaps you all need to step back and evaluate whether this situation is entirely healthy.

Don't get me wrong, I am also very close to my DS and would do whatever I could to support him but not at the expense of missing out on things I want to do.

Severing ties is a fairly dramatic way of putting it - you're moving house, not cutting him out of your life. He is a grown adult who presumably earns money. His belongings and his ability to go on a night out should not dictate your life to this extent.

You need to downsize and make this break from the "family home" for HIS sake I think as well as yours.

Op, it’s possible to be close to someone without one of them taking the absolute piss out of the other. What does close look like to you? Because he can’t care less about your happiness can he?

So he has moved out but has gym equipment still in your house. So he basically isn't using that? Tell him to sell it, he'll then have the money for the storage of his other things but also will then only need a smaller unit to store what's left.

My brother is the same age as your son, lives in Asia and has a storage lock up in the UK for if he ever returns. He pays the monthly amount without even questioning it. It's what you do when you're an adult and have nowhere else to store things.

Sorry you have a disability and in the twilight years of your life, you need to safe guard your future needs with DH. You need to give DS notice, offer him help to move it all if need be. He's a fully fledged adult that needs to make decisions on his future and not just rely on his parents.

I felt for him until I read he was 36!!! Move and he needs to grow up .

You would not be unreasonable but you are looking at the wrong issue. Taking payment out of the equation he should not still be having the right to decide on your move. He has the luxury of two rooms he uses occasionally to sleep in and as a storage unit. Free. He did not look at the studio he rents and say that it was unsuitable because it wouldn’t hold his stuff, he just went ahead. Now you have the chance of a flat more suited to your needs, in an area you would like to be in but are hesitant because of his stuff and his desire to come ‘home’ once a fortnight. He is in his 30’s! Not your stuff, not your problem. Accept the new property, give him a date to clear his stuff by, all his stuff, everything. Don’t enter into discussions or negotiations just tell him.