To ask DS to contribute

[Collieflour]

DS left home four months ago. He left almost all of his belongings here - all his furniture (including his bed, sofa, two wardrobes, huge TV etc all of which he bought himself), his exercise equipment, sports gear, most of his clothes... All he took was a couple of cases/boxes as he moved into a furnished studio and didn't have room for anything else.

We live in a 2 bed house currently. DS's room is the larger bedroom with a little annexe bit he used as his mini gym. He has a LOT of stuff in there.

DH and I have been offered the opportunity to downsize to a lovely 1 bed flat which would reduce our rent by almost £200pm. However DS has asked us not to move as he would have nowhere to keep his things and it would be 'weird' not being able to come home to his childhood home. He says he has no room for all his belongings so would have to store them which would cost him at least £150pm. Also he stays here roughly once a week after a night out - he moved semi-rurally to be near his work and we are in the centre of town, so it's handy for him after nights out when he can't get back to his. He says that he would have to pay for hotels if we moved (the place we are looking at is a good way out of town). He currently has no plans to move to a bigger place so keeping his stuff here, and him staying over, is an indefinite arrangement. He has a key and comes and goes as he pleases.

WIBU to ask him for something towards storing his stuff to offset the cost of the extra rent we currently pay? To be absolutely clear, the new flat we are looking at is absolutely beautiful and is specifically for over 55s, DH and I are both in our 60s and I am disabled so it would be a real help, not least because of the lack of stairs which I find more difficult as time goes on. It's not that we don't want to move and we're using DS as a means to pay towards our rent, we really do want to go. We also have friends close by the new place and it's closer to DH's work.

We wouldn't ask much - maybe £50 or £75 a month - just to offset what we pay a bit. Before DS left he was paying us about £200 a month towards food and his share of the bills, for reference. He is 36 and earns a decent enough wage so could afford it, and it would be less than he would have to spend on storage/hotels. We are actually a little bit better off each month since he left (he was a big eater and a fan of central heating!) so again to be clear we are not trying to make money from him by attempting to claw back some of his board money that we no longer have. I'd say we're about £50pm better off since he left.

I am torn because I feel bad asking him for money but we would love to move, and having him to all intents and purposes still living here part time - which we love, don't get me wrong, he is always very welcome - is stopping us doing that. And also costing us money which we don't have really, in the extra rent we're currently paying but could save if we moved.

YABU - I shouldn't ask my son for money for keeping his room as his own

YANBU - It's fair he should contribute as he sort-of still lives here, and if he wasn't we could downsize to somewhere more suitable and pay less ourselves

Fully expect that IABU because I feel as if I am but needs must!

Absolutely not. He’s 36!! He moves his shit out so his parents can move to a nicer place and be more comfortable. Give him a deadline. It’s time to live how you want to now op. If his place can’t cope with his stuff that’s on him. He’s an adult and has been for some time. Don’t back down

Yanbu at all. If you son was under 25, I'd say maybe give him some leeway, but he's 36!!

Sounds like the benefit of the flat for you and dh will be huge, more benefit than your son gaining a free storage and bed for the night after a night out

Its ok to put yourself first in this scenario

Same here! I thought the was starting out, first job etc. Not 36!

I’d caution you about a flat for the over 55s or similar. They come with an awful reputation for service charges, being hard to sell on etc.
Not sure how this equates if you plan to rent it but look carefully.

Asfor your son, I’m usually of the thought that children are partly a responsibility until the end of time. But I think at 36 with a stable income your son should think about different accommodation for himself

I missed the bit where you said he was 36. He is massively taking the piss. You need to do what is best for you now and that sounds like moving. He can sell his belongings or look for an unfurnished property to rent.

You are being totally unreasonable - towards yourselves. He’s thirty six years old and sounds incredibly selfish. You need to move for your own wellbeing and he needs to grow up.

Thirty flippin six?? I thought before I got to that you were talking about a teenager or at least an under 25 year old who'd had bad luck. He's old enough to accept that if you can't pay for the space for the stuff then you can't own the stuff.

Move. But if you're not doing that then he needs to pay to store the stuff. I think paying either the difference in rent or the amount he'd pay for storage would be fair actually, I don't think a token £50 is enough.

You need to move. He can sell his stuff. Nobody needs to pay for storage. And yes he does need to pay for a hotel if he goes out.

Also echoing a pp about the bad reputation of over 55s developments, so make sure you know about the ts and cs.

If you have to stay he should pay the £200 that would cover your rent. He can then see that £150 for storage is a bargain and you can move.
Everything about the new move is better for you. Just go. You've done your bit, he's 36!

Please don’t tell me you still do all of his washing?

It sounds like you want the flat? Not just for financial reasons but practical reasons and you love it? So therefore you get the flat. He is a grown man and he manages his own stuff.

If the move is purely financial then tell him it’ll cost £200 a month more to be there - he can pay that or you’ll move!

I would absolutely prioritise your needs now - however is there any way he can take over the lease if the two bedroom flat you currently rent? If not, then go for it and explain why it’s important that you and DH need this new begininning.

I assumed he was 19! What a selfish little cretin!

Sorry, when you say he showed no sign of moving out until you suggested it, do you mean that in the (i presume) 14 years since he left university, neither you nor he spoke about him moving out before then?? Or have I misunderstood?

Move, the new flat will future proof you, and make your life better.
he can pay storage for his own stuff. He is an almost middle aged grown man, and should be totally able to support himself.

I think as you've said you feel this is coming from a place of your DS being a homebody and not a piss-taker, I would be sitting him down and explaining that whilst you love him, and can see how it would be nice to retain the family home forever, the reality is the new place would be much better for you and your DH in terms of:

Level access/your health
Smaller commute for your DH
Closer to your friends etc

Explain that you are both in your 60s now, and your health is not great, and you need to take practical steps to make things easier - but that doesn't mean you will be less "there" for him emotionally etc.

I don't think you should charge him money, because it's not about the money (you've already said it's probably less expensive for you now he's moved out anyway), it's about you really wanting to move to a more suitable place. So you need to move, don't you.

You need to move where is best for you. He needs to realise he's 36!!! Tell him to to store or sell his stuff as you're moving . And no tou shouldn't pay at all, the unreasonable person in this is your son!! Dont even mention helping to pay!!

I was reading your post thinking he was 19. 36!!

It is time for you to make the decision that is best for you.

Just move and live your life! He is 36!

He's 36! You should do what is best for you in your 60s. Move to the lovely new flat. At 36, he should be independent.

It's not his home, OP, it's yours. At 36 he should be completely independent, and not relying on his parents to house his junk or financially sub him. Move to your smaller flat, and he can either store his furniture or get rid of it. He could buy a flat/house himself, let's face it.

At first I thought he must be either just fresh out of uni or just over 18 ir something, but no, he's 36!?!?!?!? Similar age to me and I'd not quibble if my parents downsized and I didn't have a room anymore when I visit. It'd be mildly inconvenient but I'm a grown adult and they can do as they like with their home.

Regarding the childhood home comment he made, that's just emotional blackmail tbh. I'll bet the home has been decorated and redecorated since his childhood, and unless his bedroom is still full of power rangers and soft toys, then its not a shrine and time to move on. We all miss our childhood home, a friend of mine lost his dad recently and his mum downsized and he doesn't like driving last his old house despite not living there for years as kts wierd he can't go in anymore, but this is what happens in life.

If it works for you you really need to downsize, your son lived with you a looooong time and clearly got used to having things his way. A paltry £50 a week isn't going to be as useful as a flat made more for your needs, as you both get older and need it more you may regret not taking this one.

£150 pcm for storage is peanuts for him, you need tontell him that you both need to move for your health and future potential issues and as much as you'd love to keep helping him with storage and space to sleep after a night out, you can't miss the chance of this new flat which will make his aging mum and dad's life much easier. If he kicks off then hes being incredibly selfish.

Good god I am BEGGING my mother to downsize. This is insane.
Id be pointing out he is thirty six years old and it’s time to stand on his own two feet properly.

Absolutely this about him needing to decide whether he actually wants this stuff.

i would bet good money that when he gets a bigger place/you downsize, he won’t want most of it any more. Having to pay for storage will focus his mind on what he actually wants.

I am one of 4 siblings. We had a number of overseas relatives either boarding or going to university here. When we cleared the family home, there was so much young adult rubbish that everyone had asked to store “just for a while” with solemn promises that they would return to collect. Skips and skips worth of the stuff.

Just move. You need to put your needs first here.
He can pay to store his stuff or find somewhere suitable. Or indeed get rid of it.