DP just called me a dick and stormed off to bed

[Octopusbluesea]

To give the full story - DP has severe childhood abuse. His ex wife cheated on him and he’s in the emergency services so has some trauma from that. He is currently in therapy for it and at the moment I feel like I wait with bated breath each time he is on his way home from his therapy session.

So far I’ve dealt with his therapist saying he needs to prioritise himself - which I understand - whilst he goes through all of his recovery. However when you have 4 kids between you (blended family - none together - but have a mortgage - this is particularly hard work)

To give some context to the next part of my post, we’ve had some issues. He has very clearly definitely added some women in the past to his social media who have been ‘options’ - this however was not my thought tonight. Promise.

Ive focused massively on listening to him. I’ll ask about his day, about his sessions, and honestly I’ve got really good at low key counselling him. I’ve never been a good listener but I’ve honestly focused on trying to do the best job I can - that what he’s going through is normal, I’ve listened to hours upon hours of his thoughts. It’s impacted massively on our life - it’s like it’s completely stopped. We can’t go out even for dinner without a huge drama about what he is wearing, how he is feeling etc but I’ve managed to talk him through it all. We’ve cancelled so many date nights. I’m trying my best.

Flash forward to tonight. We put a series on - one I’ve waited a while to watch. 1 hour in his phone has constantly pinged with messages. Like constantly - 2, 3 at a time. Like a group chat. He’s literally not watched our series. Constant messaging. Constant pinging. This isn’t how it usually is. I’ve asked - is everything ok? Anything I need to know? 2 hours in the same. 3 hours in and I’ve said - look - what’s up? Your phone has constantly messaged

Hes absolutely EXPLODED at me. Said straight away that I must think he’s messaging another woman. Claimed he is messaging his kids, 2 other male friends. Like I’ve said though - this has NEVER happened before. Hes said I’m a fucking dick. He’s stormed off to bed.

I mean seriously - what the fuck???! Is it me???

He's over dosed on therapy. I would stop discussing it when he gets home, let him process stuff in his own time.

My DH answers messages during shows he's chosen to watch. It irks me but I let it be.

Oh woh. He’s being incredibly unfair to you and in turn this is unfair to your kids and the entire household.

If it weren’t for the mortgage, what would you want to do? Because this can’t go on, for your own sanity.

It really doesn't sound like he's capable of having a healthy relationship.

It is all about him.

Is this what you want for the rest of your life (is it going to be like this for the rest of your life if you stay with him)?

Kindly, this “relationship” sounds extremely one-sided - in his favour - and you sound like an emotional punch bag for him. I strongly suggest you get some therapy too as this sounds so unbalanced and toxic. As well as a terrible model to all of the kids. You deserve so much better.

This 👆. It WILL be like this for the rest of your lives if you stay together as you’ve established such a comfortable and fulfilling dynamic for him, he’ll never change.

What is he bringing to the table?

He sounds like he’s got a lot of trauma and unresolved issues, so much that he’s probably not ready for a relationship at the moment. What positives does he bring to your life?

It’s not you.

If my partner gets a bunch of pings and I’m curious I say “who’s that?” or everything alright?” and he’ll say yeah it’s just so and so saying X. No drama.

Fwiw I’ve also had a shit childhood and been repeatedly cheated on but I haven’t ever gone around feeling like a victim all day every day and making people walk on eggshells around me. He sounds like a manipulative person.

Why didn’t you just tell him to put it on silent?

Is this really how you want to live?

I earn a lot - I’ve got huge savings personally too. I can afford to buy a house. I also have access to the cash side of my inheritance early and that would pay around 50% of a property off. So actually I don’t stress about it but I do still have a responsibility

I’m really sorry to say this, but it does sound like another woman

The fact that he has “ options” on SM, and exploded whilst denying it (you didn’t suggest it) makes him look guilty as hell

He needs to prioritise himself? That sounds almost counterproductive, as I’m guessing part of what he wants out of therapy is to be able to engage in relationships in a healthier way. Therapy shouldn’t make him completely self-centred. He is giving in to a very angry, resentful part of him if he does that. I say this as someone who had long term therapy and where the goal was to maintain and strengthen relationships, where possible, as well as healing from my childhood. This meant often reflecting on the many times I was in the wrong. It’s lazy and passive therapy if the therapist isn’t robust enough to offer these meaningful and necessary challenges. If he cannot learn that, it will forever be someone else’s fault and he’ll struggle to find authentic connection. Sorry you’re going through this, OP and hopefully if you can make it clear his behaviour is unacceptable and that you’re not his proverbial punching bag, he may actually look at himself in a different way. If he can’t OP, can you really carry on walking on eggshells?

How long have things been like this for? Has it always been bad and/or has it got worse since he started therapy?

You need to stop being his ‘at home’ therapist. It sounds like everything now revolves around him and his feelings and he’s lost sight of actual reality.

Do you want to stay with him? I’d be tempted to tell him you should take some time apart while he’s going through this but the risk is that he may never come back. Only you know if that’s a good thing or not.

Thank you - yes I’ve thought this - I do deserve better. Had an unbelievably shit time where I’ve dragged myself though cancer (a mere 6 years ago) as a parent living alone feeding my kids from a food bank in massive debt and I’ve gone from that to debt free earning a fortune. I deserve a bloody medal for what I’ve done. I’m supporting him through what he has been through but he throws this at me knowing what I’ve been through.

Because I was listening to it - trying to gauge wtf was going on

Ive focused massively on listening to him. I’ll ask about his day, about his sessions, and honestly I’ve got really good at low key counselling him. I’ve never been a good listener but I’ve honestly focused on trying to do the best job I can - that what he’s going through is normal, I’ve listened to hours upon hours of his thoughts. It’s impacted massively on our life - it’s like it’s completely stopped. We can’t go out even for dinner without a huge drama about what he is wearing, how he is feeling etc but I’ve managed to talk him through it all. We’ve cancelled so many date nights. I’m trying my best.

You are mothering and coaxing him through life to the point you admit your life has stopped.

Just stop this nonsense, how on earth can you be attracted to him when you're handholding him through life?

Where are your children in all this? how is it impacting them? this is so unfair on them. You will deeply regret this one day looking back.

You've become his support human being. just get yourself and your dc out of this mess. Women are not rehab for broken men. This won't improve, you need to work out how to get free of this mess.

I’ve literally never had the thought that therapy should not make him so self centred so thank you for that

It really shouldn’t. It should invite him to be self aware. Very big difference.

OP, kindly meant, but why as a cancer survivor and a mother of children who clearly need you, would you put yourself and them at such risk from a man that is clearly emotionally abusing you?

You priorities are really really messed up.

Your relationship is all about him.
You have children that should be your priority and they are not.

You are bent out of shape over him.
Your children deserve so much better than this.
I presume they know you have been ill and how difficult things were?
And now this?

Please rethink your choices.
He is not a project to be fixed.
He will destroy you, and your children by extension.

Put your children and yourself first and get out of this.

To make you feel better - I’ve gone absolute fucking nuclear when he had the audacity to start on me.

I’ve told him that his reaction to a simple question of “is everything ok as your phone has not stopped pinging” is borderline abusive and gaslighting. He’s a police officer - so he’s told me “oh well why don’t you ring the police and tell them I’m being abusive then”

There to serve and protect indeed. I’ve never had such a low opinion of the police until I got with him,

Does his therapist have experience/training with trauma? The reason I ask is that a therapist who isn’t trauma informed can quite easily make things worse if they don’t have the expertise to understand that the approach needed for someone with C-PTSD is different.

I’m not a therapist but I’m in a relationship with a man who is a trauma survivor and has C-PTSD. I’ve had to educate myself a lot to better understand his reactions and how to manage my own boundaries without making things worse for either of us. He’s actually making huge progress and I’m so proud of him. But at no point has he ever behaved like your DP has.

It’s an actual police therapist. Organised by the police. Tbf though with what she has come out with she seems fairly new and untrained. A lot of his trauma is directed towards his mother and so far she’s only directed his anger towards me.

On a further note - to give you an idea of what sort of person I am - I’ve recently fundraised in the memory of a child who committed suicide in our area. I’ve run a marathon just over a week ago in their memory. And I asked him only if he could drop me off and pick me up afterwards purely because I know my legs wouldn’t work post marathon. He moaned about it. Told me how much he had spent keeping the kids occupied before he asked how I got on or how I felt during my run

I wish someone had said this to me, so I’ll say it to you.

It’s sad that he’s had a traumatic past, but it’s not your job to fix him. You won’t fix him and he’ll use his trauma to inflict abuse on you (because you’re his partner and you’re safe). It’s sad because you want to treat him with love and empathy (and you are) but I can bet real money this won’t end well.