DP just called me a dick and stormed off to bed

[Octopusbluesea]

To give the full story - DP has severe childhood abuse. His ex wife cheated on him and he’s in the emergency services so has some trauma from that. He is currently in therapy for it and at the moment I feel like I wait with bated breath each time he is on his way home from his therapy session.

So far I’ve dealt with his therapist saying he needs to prioritise himself - which I understand - whilst he goes through all of his recovery. However when you have 4 kids between you (blended family - none together - but have a mortgage - this is particularly hard work)

To give some context to the next part of my post, we’ve had some issues. He has very clearly definitely added some women in the past to his social media who have been ‘options’ - this however was not my thought tonight. Promise.

Ive focused massively on listening to him. I’ll ask about his day, about his sessions, and honestly I’ve got really good at low key counselling him. I’ve never been a good listener but I’ve honestly focused on trying to do the best job I can - that what he’s going through is normal, I’ve listened to hours upon hours of his thoughts. It’s impacted massively on our life - it’s like it’s completely stopped. We can’t go out even for dinner without a huge drama about what he is wearing, how he is feeling etc but I’ve managed to talk him through it all. We’ve cancelled so many date nights. I’m trying my best.

Flash forward to tonight. We put a series on - one I’ve waited a while to watch. 1 hour in his phone has constantly pinged with messages. Like constantly - 2, 3 at a time. Like a group chat. He’s literally not watched our series. Constant messaging. Constant pinging. This isn’t how it usually is. I’ve asked - is everything ok? Anything I need to know? 2 hours in the same. 3 hours in and I’ve said - look - what’s up? Your phone has constantly messaged

Hes absolutely EXPLODED at me. Said straight away that I must think he’s messaging another woman. Claimed he is messaging his kids, 2 other male friends. Like I’ve said though - this has NEVER happened before. Hes said I’m a fucking dick. He’s stormed off to bed.

I mean seriously - what the fuck???! Is it me???

He's guilty of what you were suggesting. That is why he responded in the way he did. Can you afford to get rid of him?

He bullied his ex wife, he's bullying you, he's not using his therapy to help you as a family - you don't have kids together but you brought your kids into this.

You are financially independent you have you own kids' welfare to think of as a priority as well as yours. Just leave him.

Yes. And she beat cancer. And she runs marathons. I don’t get this at all.

And yet after all your kids have been through, you choose someone like this? Poor, poor decisions and parenting on your part.

Time for a fresh start for you and your kids. Trauma should not be an excuse for being a dick or a bully. You deserve better. New Year is coming. New start for you perhaps. I hope so. You sound strong, caring and capable. Use those skills for yourself not him.

I despair at these selfish women. The kids who probably have trauma of their own, then are forced to live with someone and random kids just because their mother wants that. This man was a red flag from day one. Blindingly clear.
And now look at what happens if they separate- her kids have to get used to another new normal and some more baggage. And those kids who lived with them, they don’t have to see them again. Why do this to your kids? Why? Who does it ever benefit?

When people engage in therapy it can make them more self involved which can be a positive for a people pleaser for example. But sometimes they go too far the other way . A therapist once described it to me as you learn to find your No in therapy but sometimes as a result people stop using their Yes.

He can't do that to you as you're not married. He has no claim on anything of yours. You need to leave this awful man. He shouldn't be in a relationship until he has worked through his trauma and even then he sounds like he would be a prick as so much of what you have written sounds like personality rather than trauma response. I very rarely say LTB but in this case I absolutely have to.

Seriously it just sounds like you’re an extension of his therapist and an emotional punch bag, he sounds incapable of having a healthy relationship and it isn’t your job to “cure” him of his trauma. I’d walk away and prioritise yourself and kids. ❤️

Sorry but after reading through some of your thread comments, I have a feeling it could be the therapist -(OW) Especially if hes now taking everything out on you.

Thanks all - just got in from work and had a chance to read through all comments. I’m absolutely exhausted. Barely slept and I’ve had a nightmare day at work today.

He will be home soon. I’m intending on telling him that I will no longer be listening to him about his therapy sessions. He can’t expect it to be that I calmly listen but that in the instance he’s sat there in a clearly horrific mood that when I ask him how he is, that I get that reaction.

Regarding the reaction - well I had a chat with my best friend about it this morning and she agrees with me. Why immediately say that I’m accusing him of cheating? Quite the extreme. I’ve had many an evening when I’ve been messaging my friends, or family, and he has asked why I’m constantly messaging and I’ve pretty calmly said I’m just speaking to friend/group chat - which is completely normal. His reaction was so extreme I did comment to him that it feels like I’m being gaslit and hence his reaction that I can tell the police if I wanted to.

I will also add that he is quite unusually, late back from his shift. Which is clearly another power play so I’ll ask why he is late - will not be giving him the satisfaction.

I haven’t decided what I’m doing as yet. Honestly I’m that tired and pissed off right now isn’t the time to be making a huge decision.

My kids do like him and get on with him, but they also do pick up on days when his mood is off.

I will update later once he’s home

Good luck OP. Quite frankly I wouldn’t be playing into it when you’re this tired. Take the kids out to pizza express or Nando’s for dinner and have a breather. You don’t have to address it today, particularly if he’s still playing silly buggers. Really it tells you everything you need to know about his priorities and how he wants to work through this.

Not married.
No kids together.

Fuck this shit. You and your kids deserve better @Octopusbluesea . Time to start unravelling things and making plans to leave.

Stay safe OP. Obviously you need to get rid of this abuser - for yourself and your children. But you need to be careful and get all the support you can. As far as all his traumas go... you can't fix him. I've lost count of the number of women I've seen wreck their own lives trying to fix a broken man. You can't and you don't have to kill yourself trying.

He is playing the victim while actually making you and even his cheating ex the victim. He made her leave penniless all because she cheated on what seems like a total Arsehole.

For him to jump straight to you accusing him of cheating when all you asked was if he ok shows you exactly what he is doing. He is messages women with alternate reasons than that of friends.

Get your stuff sorted and safe and leave this pos

His traumatic past should to be your traumatic future. Get rid.

It is ABSOLUTELY NOT YOU.

Yes! It's all about character and self-awareness.

Yeah, there's a reason my police officer ex husband is an ex. Your posts have given me some very unpleasant flashbacks.

Your poor poor kids.

It's obvious he's up to no good.

Police in-house therapists have a reputation for not being the most qualified or experienced. I struggle to imagine any reputable therapist telling a parent to solely focus on themselves. If he's coming home and wanting to spend hours ruminating, something isn't right. That isn't a helpful process to engage in.

Whatever trauma he's experienced, it doesn't justify him being abusive and unsupportive to you.

I also bet my bottom dollar that his response was because he was texting another woman.

Your story might help the OP if you're able.

Genuinely OP, what does he ADD to your day, your week, your month? What do you look forward to with him?

Lying, gaslighting, belittling, massive sense of superiority because of his job. If I had a headache, he had a migraine. Even the mental health stuff is similar. All these years later and I still can't let myself think about stuff too much, it's too painful.