DP just called me a dick and stormed off to bed

[Octopusbluesea]

To give the full story - DP has severe childhood abuse. His ex wife cheated on him and he’s in the emergency services so has some trauma from that. He is currently in therapy for it and at the moment I feel like I wait with bated breath each time he is on his way home from his therapy session.

So far I’ve dealt with his therapist saying he needs to prioritise himself - which I understand - whilst he goes through all of his recovery. However when you have 4 kids between you (blended family - none together - but have a mortgage - this is particularly hard work)

To give some context to the next part of my post, we’ve had some issues. He has very clearly definitely added some women in the past to his social media who have been ‘options’ - this however was not my thought tonight. Promise.

Ive focused massively on listening to him. I’ll ask about his day, about his sessions, and honestly I’ve got really good at low key counselling him. I’ve never been a good listener but I’ve honestly focused on trying to do the best job I can - that what he’s going through is normal, I’ve listened to hours upon hours of his thoughts. It’s impacted massively on our life - it’s like it’s completely stopped. We can’t go out even for dinner without a huge drama about what he is wearing, how he is feeling etc but I’ve managed to talk him through it all. We’ve cancelled so many date nights. I’m trying my best.

Flash forward to tonight. We put a series on - one I’ve waited a while to watch. 1 hour in his phone has constantly pinged with messages. Like constantly - 2, 3 at a time. Like a group chat. He’s literally not watched our series. Constant messaging. Constant pinging. This isn’t how it usually is. I’ve asked - is everything ok? Anything I need to know? 2 hours in the same. 3 hours in and I’ve said - look - what’s up? Your phone has constantly messaged

Hes absolutely EXPLODED at me. Said straight away that I must think he’s messaging another woman. Claimed he is messaging his kids, 2 other male friends. Like I’ve said though - this has NEVER happened before. Hes said I’m a fucking dick. He’s stormed off to bed.

I mean seriously - what the fuck???! Is it me???

So your DP is a mentally unstable police officer who is having ongoing treatment that affects everyone around him and who is completely lacking any self awareness. And you brought your kids to live with him (and two other children unrelated to you). And got a mortgage together.

My only question is why you thought it was a good idea?

This isn't a relationship. Whatever his trauma and mental health issues you've described someone who has kept other women as "options" via social media, used you as an emotional punchbag, failed to support you in small ways like the marathon whilst expecting you to perform as counsellor and subtly threatened you about the financial implications of leaving.

For your amd your childrens sake, you need to recognise this as abusive and leave. Is there anything keeping you there?

I don't think prioritise yourself means become a selfish arsehole.

he has however made it clear to me how much he bullied his ex wife for her to walk away penniless.

So selfish and nasty?

OP, you have done your best but I think it now time to prioritise yourself and your children. He will end up draining you emotionally and financially. Don’t let him crush your spirit. You know he has form for bullying his ex-wife and have said yourself he would do the same to you. I think you need to leave.

The trauma stuff is a distraction from the crux of your post which is that he’s clearly messaging other women. The fact that he ‘exploded’ when you asked him about it and brought up other women completely unprompted is highly suspicious, particularly in light of his social media activities.

The fact you’ve said he’s in the police pretty much confirms it honestly.

You’ve given this your best shot but it doesn’t sound like a particularly long relationship if you were still a single mum 6 years ago, you don’t share children and you’re not married. The mortgage is an entanglement sure, and I’d seek advice on how to unravel that, but I’d be getting away as fast as possible and enjoying some peace and stability with my children if I were you.

Pretend I'm your therapist.

Time to put YOU first and ltb.

Your dc are also living in that environment...
That's very wrong..

When are you leaving?

What reasons are there to be in a relationship with this man?
None have been provided.

Do you like to feel needed, to be caring for someone? Do you like "complex" men who you think you can save?

Living with him must be deeply unpleasant for your children. They will pick up on all the tension and see this man treating their mother poorly even if they aren't saying "leave" to you.

Please bear in mind that leaving can be a dangerous time and unfortunately, as a police officer, he may be more dangerous if his colleagues give he the benefit of the doubt.

You have money so please, this is the time to spend it. Quietly go and find a rental and secure it. When he is out of the house for a day, pay a team of professional movers to come and rapidly remove your possessions.

Double check you and your children are not location sharing with him or other family members including his children. Tell your children not to share their new address just yet with anyone. No social media posts.
Be suspicious of your car - don't drive it to your new home. Leave it parked somewhere else for a few days and take a taxi there in case he has a tracking device in it.
Communicate via lawyers.

Then consider some therapy for yourself.

You can’t fix him. Personally, considering your financial independence, I would leave. But my days of being counsellor/therapist to men have long past. No time or capacity for it. Think of your children and yourself first.

Why are you actually with him?

His past trauma is not an excuse for him to inflict new trauma on you or your children.

He may well be lying about what his therapist has said, or hearing what he wants to hear. My ex did this, said his therapist said X Y and Z and used it all as excuses to give up any attempt at trying to be a part of our family or a dad.

So you’ve gone from that to being with him - what attracted you to him? I have sympathy for him because both dh and I have abusive childhoods and difficult backgrounds but that’s no excuse for exploding at you.

As my therapist said to me when I said I was staying to keep my ex happy and the kids happy - when do you get to be happy?

Sounds like he’s developed ‘self entitlement’ following his counselling and your efforts to prioritise his feelings. It’s all about him. Maybe you need to take back some control and challenge him more on his behaviour.

@Octopusbluesea Forewarned is forearmed.

You know what his strategy will be as he's done it once before and been pretty fucking stupid gloating to you about it.

Don't let him bully you and don't give in to him.

Your job now it to put you and your kids first.

You can choose to stop listening.
💐

I think you need to step back on asking too much his therapy sessions. Let him focus on himself and his mental health.

But you don't need to put up with abusive remarks or constant disengagement. Why not book yourself a counselling session to help work out what it is you value about the relationship, what can be realistically changed, and whether you really want to hang on in or start to plan an exit.

He may have issues, but he is also a dickhead. Having issues is not at get out of jail monopoly card. He is addressing what he wants not the full lot. I would leave him.

Omg. Say no more.

Get rid. What a horror.

You sound great, head screwed on. Dont let him wear you down like he did the ex wife, to the point you'd walk away just to escape.

He’s shown you the type of Man he is. Get yourself, children and assets protected and leave.

I'll add to what everyone else is saying- you have to stop this in its tracks. It doesn't have to have been cheating. You are no where on his priority list. Untangle it all while you are financially able to and prioritise yourself and your kids.

There's a lot of evidence that this type of counselling therapy actually is counterproductive. Retraumatising people and causing emotions and stress that weren't there in the 1st place. All the naval gazing is making him selfish. Think about what works for you and stop feeling sorry for him. As a grown man he needs to live in the present and sort his shit out. If he's spending time doing something with you it's reasonable that he puts his phone off or leaves it in another room. If the communication is urgent then he should have explained to you what the chat was about or that he wasn't in the mood to watch something with you.

Why are you inflicting this man onto your kids? He’s absolutely awful, actually disgusting. The therapy is irrelevant, she’s not brainwashing him into being a pig, is she? Trauma whatever. Sorry but I have loads of horrendous history, I don’t bully and abuse people. He’s in a position of power as a policeman, shocker. Leave him ASAP, what is there to save or to continue with? He’s just another bastard.

I voted YABU for staying with such a mean-spirited selfish prick. I don't often say it, but it seems clear that you should LTB.

There are so many red flags there. Get yourself and your children out of that toxic household before you all need therapy from his behaviour. Using his job as a police officer sounds like he is gaslighting you