DP just called me a dick and stormed off to bed

[Octopusbluesea]

To give the full story - DP has severe childhood abuse. His ex wife cheated on him and he’s in the emergency services so has some trauma from that. He is currently in therapy for it and at the moment I feel like I wait with bated breath each time he is on his way home from his therapy session.

So far I’ve dealt with his therapist saying he needs to prioritise himself - which I understand - whilst he goes through all of his recovery. However when you have 4 kids between you (blended family - none together - but have a mortgage - this is particularly hard work)

To give some context to the next part of my post, we’ve had some issues. He has very clearly definitely added some women in the past to his social media who have been ‘options’ - this however was not my thought tonight. Promise.

Ive focused massively on listening to him. I’ll ask about his day, about his sessions, and honestly I’ve got really good at low key counselling him. I’ve never been a good listener but I’ve honestly focused on trying to do the best job I can - that what he’s going through is normal, I’ve listened to hours upon hours of his thoughts. It’s impacted massively on our life - it’s like it’s completely stopped. We can’t go out even for dinner without a huge drama about what he is wearing, how he is feeling etc but I’ve managed to talk him through it all. We’ve cancelled so many date nights. I’m trying my best.

Flash forward to tonight. We put a series on - one I’ve waited a while to watch. 1 hour in his phone has constantly pinged with messages. Like constantly - 2, 3 at a time. Like a group chat. He’s literally not watched our series. Constant messaging. Constant pinging. This isn’t how it usually is. I’ve asked - is everything ok? Anything I need to know? 2 hours in the same. 3 hours in and I’ve said - look - what’s up? Your phone has constantly messaged

Hes absolutely EXPLODED at me. Said straight away that I must think he’s messaging another woman. Claimed he is messaging his kids, 2 other male friends. Like I’ve said though - this has NEVER happened before. Hes said I’m a fucking dick. He’s stormed off to bed.

I mean seriously - what the fuck???! Is it me???

God he sounds awful. Stop wasting your life trying to change him.

If he wasn't watching the programme anyway and he knew the pings were distracting you, why didn't he just go into another room and leave you to watch in peace? Or at least suggest pausing the programme while he dealt with his conversation(s)? Your comments, behaviour, reactions, etc. are completely normal. His - failing to pick up ANY clues that his annoying behaviour was annoying AND having an absolute hissy fit when when you dared to assert any kind of needs besides guessing what he'd want and doing exactly that - sound abusive. You've already said he bullied his ex wife, so the pattern's there.

Are you involved with his therapy and able to gauge his prognosis and progress? If you think you may stay with him then you absolutely need to be able to do this, independently of him. You have a decision to make about whether you can possibly bear to continue to live like this, and in order to make an informed decision you need all the information. I was going to say that I strongly suspect that his therapist has NOT told him to be even MORE selfish and that he has either misunderstood or is misrepresenting the advice for his own benefit - but reading your follow-ups, I see that you already remarked that the therapist seems inexperienced and poorly trained. IF he is acting the way you've described because of his trauma (which is not at all established at this point) it sounds very serious and he MUST get proper help. Can he switch to another therapist, and are you able periodically to attend his sessions with him, or set up a periodic check-in for the two of you together?

Absolutely this.

Please don’t waste valuable years on this man. You have the funds to get away from him and a life of peace is a wonderful thing.

I wonder if he’s even in therapy.

The only "responsibility" is to your kids. You don't have to stay with a man whether he has suffered trauma or not out of responsibility.

As he is a police officer are his employers aware that he is having trauma therapy and that it affecting his ability to function normally. I hope he is currently on leave if he is so volatile.

He’s obviously messaging other women.

He is a prick. You can have a shit childhood and be traumatised and not treat your partner badly.

Leave him.

He sounds horrible. Childhood abuse and trauma affects children and adults deeply and throughout their life course. Therapy is what he needs and he sounds very troubled. However he has agency over how he behaves towards the people in his life. He has control over how he responds to you. But he's not exercising that control. So he's behaving like a bully, well he's being a bully. Honestly, I would leave him.

Can you make a start on protecting yourself? Ensure that money is not in joint accounts and is not accessible ie change your passwords etc.
He sounds like he has a lot of things affecting him and he does not sound like he should be in a relationship. You have been patient but it's not your job to fix him. You need to prioritise yourself actually !!!

What do your children think of him? Please don’t say they adore him.

Sorry to say I think it's another woman and his reaction is his confession. If I asked my DH that question he'd just tell me.

I’ve asked - is everything ok? Anything I need to know? 2 hours in the same. 3 hours in and I’ve said - look - what’s up? Your phone has constantly messaged

Gently, I think you’re being a bit disingenuous.

You are trying to come across like you asked purely out of concern and you were so worried about him - sorry but that’s simply not true.

You were being passive aggressive because you were annoyed he wasn’t paying attention to the series that you wanted to watch and you were being paranoid that he was messaging other women - you were not concerned about him and it’s really annoying that you think that MNers are so naive.

Obviously everyone is going to paint themselves in a good light but this comes across as manipulative and that MNers are stupid.

It makes me question your other points - you have definitely made yourself out to be absolutely perfect (which no one is) and so I’ll take what you say with a pinch of salt.

However, if there is any truth in it then the relationship is very one sided and although I’d support my DP, I would definitely not pander to them.

I would listen to their problems but they need to listen to mine just as much too.

How long has this been going on?
And how long have you been together?

It kind of sounds like both of you are unhappy but you’re just staying together because it’s less hassle than breaking up.

Sorry but did he use this as a threat to you?
He does not sound like a nice man and I am not sure why you are with him. While you say he is in therapy and they have told him to focus more on himself, is this even true? Unless you attend the sessions with him (unlikely) he could be feeding you any story when you ask about it, which it seems he is doing.

I would be making plans to leave, what does he offer you? He sounds very selfish, controlling and not at all caring. You are not financially dependent on him either so leave while you can.

It’s easy to sit behind a screen and have a strong opinion on a situation you know nothing about. In this instance, I would truly say to you, get out now. You sound like you’re in a really good position financially and you don’t need this man hanging round your neck dragging you down. Meet someone else who treats you well and see them on your terms.

I honestly question why women get into new relationships when they seperate from the father of their children. Easy for me to say as someone still in a relationship with the father of my own kids, but I know I’d never do it again if we were ever to separate. Maybe it really is peri menopause that mak s you not want to put up with a man’s crap.

Sell the house now before the new cohabitation law comes in to effect.

Do it for your kids, he will start to bully them too.

My DD dated a police officer for several years. They were both only young but he was severely depressed because of the traumas from the job (central London station so he would get sent to the worst situations). He wasn't good at taking meds, and had no therapy, so she became his emotional punch bag. Walking away was the best thing she did as he was affecting her MH too.

As well as the job trauma, your DP has had an abusive childhood, a failed marriage, he's admitted to bullying his ex wife during their divorce and you're walking on eggshells, trying to be his back up therapy. Seriously OP, why are you staying? What are the good points?

You're a survivor, that's obvious. I can't understand why you're tolerating this and allowing your kids to live in this set up. Maybe it's time to put yourself first (like he's doing), get out and begin a peaceful life just you and the DC. You're not married, so he can't bully your money from you.

That’s a huge red flag. What exactly are you getting from this relationship that benefits you?

Yes to the therapy overdose. This has happened to a friend of mine with her husband. He’s become so consumed by what his therapist has said, every conversation is now linked back to something they discussed at therapy, he’s utterly self-centred and just comes out with all this drivel about why he can’t do X and Y. She’s exhausted by it.

Why would you even go to so much effort for a bloke that has other women as options, and not only that, is a self-absorbed aggressive prick?
Please get him out of your children's home and lives ASAP. He's ghastly.

You aren't married to your partner, your only tie is the joint mortgage. Your money is your own, so is your inheritance, pensions etc. You are in a much better position than many women, in your situation. Of course he'll be a complete arse if you tell him you want to split, and no doubt he'll cause issues regarding the house...he's a bully. Seek legal advice regarding your house. You may need to take him to Court to sell the property.

You can't carry on like this forever more. Your partner may have trauma from his childhood and from his job but that's not an excuse to treat you like crap and use you as an emotional punch bag. You can't fix him, it's that simple.

You have bent over backwards to help and support your partner, whilst receiving zero from him in return. He's not enhancing your life, he's dragging you down. End the relationship, if not for your sake but for your own children's. You all deserve to live in a calm, peaceful environment.

He sounds a narcissist who, as they often do, made himself the victim. He needs constant attention, support and reassurance from you, his friends, family, work and therapist. Honestly why should you walk on eggshells and get sod all back? I’d be off!

Prince among men 🙄

Agree with all the other advice you’ve had. prioritise yourself and your Dc here

Totally agree - if the therapist is not trauma informed, she/he could be getting the OP's partner to talk about childhood trauma and taking him back to childhood states of helplessness without the necessary means to calm his nervous system.

OP I could have written your message almost word for word earlier in the year. Husband, starting therapy for childhood trauma whilst we weren’t in a good place, also now in a job which can be difficult, told to prioritise himself (we have two small kids). I took on the whole running of the house, children, working FT, tried to support him. He accused me of having affairs, told his family that I was such an issue and our marriage was terrible because of me, went round to tell my mum how awful I was one day. He ended up having a complete breakdown (again I tried to support him for months whilst his family did fuck all).

in the end he became so angry and disregulated I had to leave the home in fear one night with the children. He has become such a fucking car crash and now cannot see kids without supervision. I say all this because I didn’t realise how dysfunctional things had got until I was away from it, how much I was buffering because I was trying to understand and appreciate that he was going through something so hard. His psychologist (v experienced) was totally out of her depth.

It all sounds VERY intense either way constant counselling
all that aside I’d hate being questioned about a few pings in my phone and tbh I just wouldn’t answer
my works group chat can be a bit like this there’s 17 off us in it so if someone puts something on then there can be a lot if reactions in a short space of time