DP just called me a dick and stormed off to bed

[Octopusbluesea]

To give the full story - DP has severe childhood abuse. His ex wife cheated on him and he’s in the emergency services so has some trauma from that. He is currently in therapy for it and at the moment I feel like I wait with bated breath each time he is on his way home from his therapy session.

So far I’ve dealt with his therapist saying he needs to prioritise himself - which I understand - whilst he goes through all of his recovery. However when you have 4 kids between you (blended family - none together - but have a mortgage - this is particularly hard work)

To give some context to the next part of my post, we’ve had some issues. He has very clearly definitely added some women in the past to his social media who have been ‘options’ - this however was not my thought tonight. Promise.

Ive focused massively on listening to him. I’ll ask about his day, about his sessions, and honestly I’ve got really good at low key counselling him. I’ve never been a good listener but I’ve honestly focused on trying to do the best job I can - that what he’s going through is normal, I’ve listened to hours upon hours of his thoughts. It’s impacted massively on our life - it’s like it’s completely stopped. We can’t go out even for dinner without a huge drama about what he is wearing, how he is feeling etc but I’ve managed to talk him through it all. We’ve cancelled so many date nights. I’m trying my best.

Flash forward to tonight. We put a series on - one I’ve waited a while to watch. 1 hour in his phone has constantly pinged with messages. Like constantly - 2, 3 at a time. Like a group chat. He’s literally not watched our series. Constant messaging. Constant pinging. This isn’t how it usually is. I’ve asked - is everything ok? Anything I need to know? 2 hours in the same. 3 hours in and I’ve said - look - what’s up? Your phone has constantly messaged

Hes absolutely EXPLODED at me. Said straight away that I must think he’s messaging another woman. Claimed he is messaging his kids, 2 other male friends. Like I’ve said though - this has NEVER happened before. Hes said I’m a fucking dick. He’s stormed off to bed.

I mean seriously - what the fuck???! Is it me???

I’m taking it onboard. I’m honestly so grateful that I’ve got a really good job and access to inheritance early to pay a house deposit if I need to. I can walk away with what I’ve paid into this one

You and your children deserve so much better. LTB.

It sounds like some of his behaviour has very little to do with trauma and a lot more to do with him being a selfish arsehole to be frank.

He sounds like a first grade prick who uses his "trauma" as an excuse

From what you've said, you might want to reconsider your relationship with this guy. If you're not married, don't have kids together and can stand on your own financially, it seems like he may not be a good match for you. It sounds like he has an awful lot of baggage. And it could be he, too, is stressed out from the demands of being in a serious partnership and would be happier on his own as well. Also, if you have kids living with you, they're affected by everything that goes on in the home too. It wouldn't be nice when they're older to hear them talk about the dysfunctional home they were raised in. An argument or partner being extra needy once in a while is expected but if it's constant, it may just be reaching a point where it's too much. Best wishes.

I don’t usually have any issue with him answering messages during shows/films. It was honestly the frequency of them. His phone would beep 2-3 times each time in quick succession - beep beep beep - and he would message immediately. Constantly for hours. I know what he usually like and this wasn’t his usual behaviour or his usual phone activity. Usually his phone might beep 3-4 times only during a night and he won’t pick it up immediately. Hence why I asked - is everything ok?

If he is your DP and not DH then buy him out - if that’s easier for you. If you’re not married he can’t take your assets. It’s ok for this to not be for you anymore. Prioritise yourself and your happiness. You’ve been through enough too x

Yes DP - he has however made it clear to me how much he bullied his ex wife for her to walk away penniless. So I’ve no doubt he would do the same to me

OP im relieved you have the ability to be financially independent and can separate without it ruining your finances.

How old are all of your kids in the blended set up you currently have?

I think it would be wise to think about how to end things safely here having read all of your comments. He's abusive. You're realising you can't stay together, that its not a healthy relationship. This is a dangerous time for a woman. 😔 Never the less I do feel you need to start making a plan because this isnt healthy and isnt a situation that's good for you or for any kids involved.

I think sometimes the problem with people who are unwell is that you feel you need permission to leave them. The fact is his illness and issues don’t give him license to be horrible to you.

You don’t sound happy. I’d question what relationships you are modelling to your kids. You haven’t mentioned how he treats them, but at the very least they will be picking up on his disregard for you; and worst they will be treading on eggshells around him too.

Yes he’s unwell, but that doesn’t give him license to use those around him as a punchbag.

At the very least of you really love him and want to leave him Id plan to live separately and almost just date. But I wonder if you were living separately and didn’t have a mortgage to unpick would you have already ended it?

Yikes. I'd consider that another reason to get untangled from him.

Sounds like hard work - and while relationships need work, you are not his therapist or his mother. It's not an equal partnership if you're the one constantly "giving" to him, while he's the one taking. And to blow up at you like this is not really acceptable.
The thing with therapy is that it's a very long term thing - and in is case, when it's to do with past trauma, really is a journey he must take alone. I've been in therapy for 3 years now - and it has helped me immensely, but I wouldn't expect a partner, or anyone else close to me, to step into the role of 'therapist' too.
It's not fair on you and I would say you are currently in the common position women find themselves in of "walking on eggshells".

And as for that, yuck. I'd have walked away then. This is not a nice man.

Why are you with him with this knowledge?

You’ve already shown that you are stronger than that. He’s not going to bully you into anything. C’mon you got this! Imagine yourself being so very happy once this joysucker is out of your life

Dear God. You need to get away from this man. Like now.

You say you have a way out financially but still have some responsibility, who to? To him? Why? What about responsibility to you?

You also don't seem to like him much and you know the way you're being treated is unfair and unkind.

I can't see why you want to stay anymore. Kudos for your patience, your kindness towards him and being as supportive as you possibly could be but it's still not enough for him and it's not your job to fix his trauma. If he can only do this by being selfish, explosive, unsupportive of your needs and sulky then he isn't ready to be in a relationship imo.

Be happy OP. As you, more than most are aware we only get one shot at this life, make yours a happy one.

This is simple. Get rid. Live with just your kids.

Your not his wife financially your nothing he cant demand more of the house because of the kids you dont HAVE kids together being serious now how exactly is he going to bully money from you legally?

You do need to be aware of the fact that many many ex partners of police officers report abuse ignored by fellow officers though so hopefully you dont live in the same area he works

I think he sounds awful.

I also don't think either of you sound ready for a relationship at the moment. You're both dealing with your own issues.

Why are you with him if you earn "a fortune" etc.? Also it's well known police officers have a higher chance of domestic abuse.

@Octopusbluesea I’m really struggling to understand what you see in him, what you get from this relationship and why you ever committed yourself to someone like this?

Were you desperate to have just anyone?

That IS NOT - I repeat THERAPY IS NEVER EVER EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE YOU SELF CENTERED.
Therapy is supposed to help you untangle the knots in yourself and is supposed to help you relax and deal not only with the people IN your life but also with the people you might encounter.

Your husband needs a new and different and better shrink.
Seems this current one is misleading him.

Oh, OP, trauma or not, this is not a man to be in a relationship with. Even if his abusiveness is trauma induced, it just means he ought to be single until he's worked it out, not that you need to put up with it.

Also, has his therapist told you that he needs to prioritise himself over you and the children, or has he told you that's what his therapist has said?

How do you think he would be able to do this to you since you aren't married?