DP just called me a dick and stormed off to bed

[Octopusbluesea]

To give the full story - DP has severe childhood abuse. His ex wife cheated on him and he’s in the emergency services so has some trauma from that. He is currently in therapy for it and at the moment I feel like I wait with bated breath each time he is on his way home from his therapy session.

So far I’ve dealt with his therapist saying he needs to prioritise himself - which I understand - whilst he goes through all of his recovery. However when you have 4 kids between you (blended family - none together - but have a mortgage - this is particularly hard work)

To give some context to the next part of my post, we’ve had some issues. He has very clearly definitely added some women in the past to his social media who have been ‘options’ - this however was not my thought tonight. Promise.

Ive focused massively on listening to him. I’ll ask about his day, about his sessions, and honestly I’ve got really good at low key counselling him. I’ve never been a good listener but I’ve honestly focused on trying to do the best job I can - that what he’s going through is normal, I’ve listened to hours upon hours of his thoughts. It’s impacted massively on our life - it’s like it’s completely stopped. We can’t go out even for dinner without a huge drama about what he is wearing, how he is feeling etc but I’ve managed to talk him through it all. We’ve cancelled so many date nights. I’m trying my best.

Flash forward to tonight. We put a series on - one I’ve waited a while to watch. 1 hour in his phone has constantly pinged with messages. Like constantly - 2, 3 at a time. Like a group chat. He’s literally not watched our series. Constant messaging. Constant pinging. This isn’t how it usually is. I’ve asked - is everything ok? Anything I need to know? 2 hours in the same. 3 hours in and I’ve said - look - what’s up? Your phone has constantly messaged

Hes absolutely EXPLODED at me. Said straight away that I must think he’s messaging another woman. Claimed he is messaging his kids, 2 other male friends. Like I’ve said though - this has NEVER happened before. Hes said I’m a fucking dick. He’s stormed off to bed.

I mean seriously - what the fuck???! Is it me???

I knew you were going to say he was a police officer. They are known for high levels of DA.

You moved your kids in with an emotionally and verbally abusive cop who's got "options"? And they see you treat this asshole like the sun shines out of his ass?

Think about what you're modeling for your kids. It's sure not a healthy relationship.

This guy needs to be single. Leave.

I think you need advice of your own but you need specific advice.

Have a look here and I would suggest doing it in incognito mode on your phone

www.facebook.com/PPDAUK

Because he's projecting it onto you. And it will only get worse sorry.

I don't understand why you picked him, but you can reverse that decision.

I think you just say I’m all used up here, I can’t put all this active time to support your therapy and your feelings when I get none of that emotional support back, pretty much only resentment and anger. For now I’m not going to engage in the discussions about how your sessions are going and how you are, you couldn’t bring yourself to ask how I was after my marathon until you’d had a go at me because you were looking after the dc for a few hours. The dc need me, I need to be healthy, you’ll have to fix yourself I’m afraid. Please remember I’m human too and I’m not a mind reader either. We will see how the next week goes, I’m going to put more time into myself as it’s been a long time.

Sounds like the therapist is telling him what he wants to hear.
I don’t get a good feeling about your relationship.

He's a selfish dickhead, and has cheated on you. Who cares why?

Someone said on another thread "You are the tolerator". Tolerating bad shit doesn't make you a heroine or make your life better and you will never be thanked for it, or recognised for it. So stop doing it.

100% hard agree.

Women who do this to their children lose my sympathy pretty quickly.

Bluntly, why do you stay in this relationship? Literally nothing you say about it makes it sound safe or enjoyable for you. His trauma is ultimately his to manage, and not your problem. It also doesn’t make his self-centredness, annger and bullying ok, or your unhappiness any less important.

he sounds nasty, therapy won’t change who he is as a person. And he has the sort of job where he can be protected against consequences for how he treats you.

just cut your losses

Then you need to play very smart. Everything lined up ready to leave. And you are gone. Not a word, not a warning. Nothing. How old are his kids? The only person I might talk to would be their mother.

When my dad was an abusive cunt to my step mum. He said he wanted a divorce. She said fine but your kids want to stay with me. Which was true. To be fair it did shut it up. He’d been a cunt to my mum too but she died.

This is not going to get better. I’d also report the therapist to someone high up
enough in the police to make sure that they were aware what was going down if he ever came after you.

I’m afraid while you do have better options than most. Staying isn’t one of them.

Your posts following on from your OP seem like you are confident in yourself and what you've achieved.

It's much easier to state that to a bunch of strangers online than it is to act on that strength in real life - but you must try,rather than dawdle over 'is it just me?' when you sound like you know that it isn't.

You've been to hell for your kids already - you can do it again! Leave!

Why would you be with someone who told you they had done this?

Also, you’re not married. He can’t ’make you walk away with nothing’. He has no claim to your money.

I was thinking the same thing. He doth protest too much.

I also think you are with an extremely self centred and manipulative man. How do you breathe? There’s no space for you. Or acknowledgement of you.

My DH is in therapy and has been for some time. It started due to some stressful events in our lives and has continued due to more stressful events and also sorting out his childhood.

Yes there is talk about making sure he has pockets of time to help his MH. Something he discusses with me to see how it can work with our family. For example I tend to have an extra morning a week i do morning routine by myself so that he can fit a walk in. However these things are entirely reciprocal. He will go into the office late and work later to do drop off when I need him to.

That's how relationships work.

I know its not the main point of the post but I'm amazed you get to watch TV for 3 hours together of an evening.

His behaviour is way out of line and you should end the relationship really.

Did you actually hear the therapist say he had to prioritise himself? I bet not.
He claims to be the victim but comes over as a controlling bully.

You’re not married though and sound like an incredibly strong person - he won’t be able to bully you in the same way. You kicked cancer’s butt, you can kick his too.

Just make sure you get it done before this new law comes in entitling unmarried partners to 50/50! Although worth remembering a police pension is worth a lot and 50/50 covers all assets.

It sounds like the “only” thing keeping you with him is logistics and fear. While not underestimating either of those, you can quietly plan for your exit without involving him in the discussion. Try to hold on to the model of relationship a self-worth you would like your children to see, compared to what they are seeing.

Needing space for himself.

Options on his phone.

Angry outbursts to get time alone.

Phone constantly going off - out of character.

Calling you names.

Saying he’s not cheating, when you haven’t even brought it up.

All points to a cheat. His poor personality traits also point to a character that may like the ego boost. Sometimes people use therapy for validation. They use it to justify cheating too. They don’t have to tell the therapist the truth!

Please leave at least if not for you but for the children, they could end up modelling thier own relationships on what they see and could end up being the abused/the abuser as a result rather than happily single or in a nice relationship.

You have the financial means to end it, its messy when house is involved but worth it in the end. Not everyone has the financial means to be able to leave and sadly stay unhappy and mistreated forever, but you can go. What I would have gave to have been financially sound so i could leave my abusive ex. Instead i ended up on the streets and then in a hostel before i got back on my feet as that was my only option.

I am urging you to please leave, this will only get worse. He can attempt to bully you all he wants, keep a log of everything, record what you can and if needs be he can forcibly be removed from the house until sold/you buy him out or vice versa.

His flippant response of 'why don't you call the police' takes on a different tone if they're his employers and friends.

I know it was a "joke" but is he "subtly" reminding you that he'll make sure the police won't be on your side if you ever do need them?

Agree with others that you need to end this. You sound perfectly capable!

I thought everyone knew the police service is full of racism, misogyny and abusers? Well known cheats as well.
Leave him asap

He bullied his ex to leave her penniless???
WTAF?? !!!
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Plan your exit and leave nothing on the table.
He's using his trauma to abuse and control you emotionally and financially.
He is a manipulator.
Plan. Plan. Plan.

Being a police officer does not make him automatically a good person ( all careers have good and bad )
You have choices . You can afford to walk away and save yourself and your kids from this atmosphere forever . He clearly does not have your back but expects you to have his . He is a fully grown adult as are you .
Use your legs and make a new life