DP just called me a dick and stormed off to bed

[Octopusbluesea]

To give the full story - DP has severe childhood abuse. His ex wife cheated on him and he’s in the emergency services so has some trauma from that. He is currently in therapy for it and at the moment I feel like I wait with bated breath each time he is on his way home from his therapy session.

So far I’ve dealt with his therapist saying he needs to prioritise himself - which I understand - whilst he goes through all of his recovery. However when you have 4 kids between you (blended family - none together - but have a mortgage - this is particularly hard work)

To give some context to the next part of my post, we’ve had some issues. He has very clearly definitely added some women in the past to his social media who have been ‘options’ - this however was not my thought tonight. Promise.

Ive focused massively on listening to him. I’ll ask about his day, about his sessions, and honestly I’ve got really good at low key counselling him. I’ve never been a good listener but I’ve honestly focused on trying to do the best job I can - that what he’s going through is normal, I’ve listened to hours upon hours of his thoughts. It’s impacted massively on our life - it’s like it’s completely stopped. We can’t go out even for dinner without a huge drama about what he is wearing, how he is feeling etc but I’ve managed to talk him through it all. We’ve cancelled so many date nights. I’m trying my best.

Flash forward to tonight. We put a series on - one I’ve waited a while to watch. 1 hour in his phone has constantly pinged with messages. Like constantly - 2, 3 at a time. Like a group chat. He’s literally not watched our series. Constant messaging. Constant pinging. This isn’t how it usually is. I’ve asked - is everything ok? Anything I need to know? 2 hours in the same. 3 hours in and I’ve said - look - what’s up? Your phone has constantly messaged

Hes absolutely EXPLODED at me. Said straight away that I must think he’s messaging another woman. Claimed he is messaging his kids, 2 other male friends. Like I’ve said though - this has NEVER happened before. Hes said I’m a fucking dick. He’s stormed off to bed.

I mean seriously - what the fuck???! Is it me???

Who cares if they like him sometimes, your children will be done permanent damage having to walk on eggshells around this pig. Do better for them, you have literally no reason to stay and put them through more of this.

Agree. I judge women for taking away the safe homes of their children and making them live with these horrific abusers just so they themselves can live the blended family dream.

@Octopusbluesea aren't you exhausted pandering to this nasty man, being his on tap therapist for hours, his support human to the point you admit your life has come to a standstill? How does that look like for your children?

What if instead of pouring all this time and energy into this godawful man, you poured it into yourself and your children?

He's treating you with contempt and has no respect for you. He's also very dangerous as you know how much he abused his ex wife. You should have left at that point when you found out what he did to her.

So when you say that you promise messaging other women was not on your mind - it actually was?

I have no idea why you are planning to continue your relationship with this grim individual.

This.

Get legal advice.
Also tell your solicitor his very specific threat that he left his ex penniless.
That is a form of coercive control.

You need to get tough.

I wish women would take men with traumatic backgrounds very very seriously.
Perhaps in a very small percentage it doesn't leak into their adult relationships, but in my long life and with a close dear friend a top psychiatrist of 35 years, it usually does.
Their partners pay a very high price.
Usually by bending themselves out of shape.
Men are not projects.

His traumatic background is a stick to beat you with and punish you with.
Your children are witness to it.

Stop asking him anything.
Start talking to Women's aid and get legal advice to get you out of this.
Also the fact that he has mocked you about calling the police is such serious coercive control.

He knows only too fxxking well what he is saying.

You need to wake up and start protecting yourself and your children.

You need to harden up and not allow him to bully you and intimidate you.

Start this by reaching out to Women's aid, your GP and create a paper trail of his coercive abusive control.

He’s far too broken for you to try to put him together and fix him.

You have to watch you are not getting emotionally drained, by his explosive anger and you clearly want your r/ship to work because you have literally done every thing you can to make it work.

Your DH needs to stop treating you so horrendously, as it is soul destroying and over time, it will cause MH issues for yourself.

I suggest you stop doing therapy on him but keep communicating with him in a friendly and supportive way.

Your DH needs to watch his attitude, and as the mother of his DC you are on his side, you are not there to be yelled at as your marriage is becoming tyranical.

He has to calm himself down. Pick up a sport and find other activities he can do to get his agression out of himself so he is not going ballistic at you.

Thankfully he is NOT her husband, and NOT the father of her children.

She can leave and she can protect herself and her children from an abusive arsehole.

This resonates with me. I’ve had multiple forms of therapy; one being psychotherapy and it sounds similar to what your DH has been told.
My DH and I started having problems and when we sat down together to talk he said I’d completely changed since starting that therapy. I became angry, resentful and almost selfish. I could see where he was coming from but I was just doing / saying what the therapist had recommended. Looking back it did far more harm than good and I stopped the sessions and went for a mindfulness based cognitive therapy instead which suited me much better.
Unless your DH has been like this previously it does sound like the therapy is in fact having a negative effect.
So, YABU. He may be traumatised but therapy should be helping him and your family not making things worse.

This.

You are doing all the work, with seemingly no end in sight. When his therapy issues will be resolved or have improved his daily life so you can start having a normal life together again. It sounds miserable and utterly exhausting.

Sounds like you are massively over compensating for him and that its knocked your relationship completely out of kilter, where he is all important and you are not. The Marathon behaviour was awful. It doesn't sound like he appreciates you and all you do for him and his children.

As to the comments about how he bullied his wife so she left with nothing. That sounds like a thinly veiled threat. Luckily, it does sound like you have the resources and the options to make your own decisions about this without refering to him.

I don't know why you would bother to say you won't be listening to any more therapy updates.. I think that will just kick off another exhausting and upsetting outburst. It might work better to just quietly withdraw from participating. You don't need to announce changes ( I found with older relatives that they equated this with asking their opinion or permission) Just introduce the change.

Likewise, unless you want to be bullied like his ex wife, play your cards and your doubts about the relationship close to your chest, until you've had time to think everything through and make a decision.. and then quietly put things in place.

I really don’t see why you are in a relationship with him, life is too short to put up with him.