DP just called me a dick and stormed off to bed

[Octopusbluesea]

To give the full story - DP has severe childhood abuse. His ex wife cheated on him and he’s in the emergency services so has some trauma from that. He is currently in therapy for it and at the moment I feel like I wait with bated breath each time he is on his way home from his therapy session.

So far I’ve dealt with his therapist saying he needs to prioritise himself - which I understand - whilst he goes through all of his recovery. However when you have 4 kids between you (blended family - none together - but have a mortgage - this is particularly hard work)

To give some context to the next part of my post, we’ve had some issues. He has very clearly definitely added some women in the past to his social media who have been ‘options’ - this however was not my thought tonight. Promise.

Ive focused massively on listening to him. I’ll ask about his day, about his sessions, and honestly I’ve got really good at low key counselling him. I’ve never been a good listener but I’ve honestly focused on trying to do the best job I can - that what he’s going through is normal, I’ve listened to hours upon hours of his thoughts. It’s impacted massively on our life - it’s like it’s completely stopped. We can’t go out even for dinner without a huge drama about what he is wearing, how he is feeling etc but I’ve managed to talk him through it all. We’ve cancelled so many date nights. I’m trying my best.

Flash forward to tonight. We put a series on - one I’ve waited a while to watch. 1 hour in his phone has constantly pinged with messages. Like constantly - 2, 3 at a time. Like a group chat. He’s literally not watched our series. Constant messaging. Constant pinging. This isn’t how it usually is. I’ve asked - is everything ok? Anything I need to know? 2 hours in the same. 3 hours in and I’ve said - look - what’s up? Your phone has constantly messaged

Hes absolutely EXPLODED at me. Said straight away that I must think he’s messaging another woman. Claimed he is messaging his kids, 2 other male friends. Like I’ve said though - this has NEVER happened before. Hes said I’m a fucking dick. He’s stormed off to bed.

I mean seriously - what the fuck???! Is it me???

So many women on here married to men in the police force really do have dreadful experiences.
Leave him OP, he sounds like a right twat.

You don't need him
You can do better
You should prioritise you
Fuck him and his group chats his therapy his need to center himself

You’re doing all the work in this relationship. Frankly, I think you’re flogging a dead horse. What is the point of being with him? You know he’s abusive-bullied his ex so hard she walked away with nothing, wtf?! The mother of his children? This is madness. Untangle any finances and get your children away from this toxic relationship.

The difference is that he was married to her and is not married to you.
Legally, and morally, he has absolutely no claim to a single penny of your money.

If he moves out, you give him his share of the value of the house, minus any remaining mortgage.
If he refuses to move and you move out, that is more expensive as you may need a court order to force the sale of the house to recover your half.

But at the end of the day, he has no power over you.

You have no kids together. What’s the point of being with him? Why are you putting yourself and your kids through this? You don’t owe him anything. Just dump him already.

Apart from anything else, once your partner starts talking disrespectfully to you and calling you "a dick" like you're some bloke, the contempt is there, and you might as well LTB.

The point is, though, that his power over you is way less than his power over a wife. You really do need to have a serious think about whether you want to continue this relationship.

I’ve never had such a low opinion of the police until I got with him,

So you have a low opinion of him? Why on earth are you with him?

Knowing this, you stayed with him?

He has already told you who and what he is. Why is this behaviour so hard to understand?

It's evident he has kept the mask on thus far but something is making it slip.

Get out of this now for your future self.

Oh of course he's a police officer

OP he's manipulative and cruel. He told you how he treated his ex, he will do the same to you.

This relationship is all about him, there's no space for you. Is this how you want to live?

OP, you have done so well for yourself. You deserve happiness and peace. Dont risk this man eroding your confidence (or getting his hands on your inheritance).

If I have read things correctly, he’s not your husband and none of the children are shared. You earn the money and he keeps you in check by bragging about back-up options and dishing out verbal abuse?

How many children are yours and what are their ages?

Walk away from him and live independently. His childhood trauma belongs to him - youre not responsible for fixing it (or him). He cannot punish you financially in the same way as his ex-wife as you have no legal financial ties to him, outside the shared house.

Who owns the property you live in now? I would be making plans to separate asap. Maybe get some legal advice and above all, stay safe.

Simply you need to leave this relationship. Get out now before he hurts you anymore mentally and physically. Your children and you deserve a happy safe home.

He’s a selfish bully. He won’t change. He doesn’t respect you. Maybe one of these “options” was the source of all the messages. Maybe he is already cheating on you. It doesn’t really matter. You and your children are not his priority.

Ah a police officer. Now I understand. You're in a tricky spot we've had wives of officers who've posted threads on here about awful behaviour. I honestly don't know if a certain type of god complex person isn't drawn to the police or if the job destroyed them.

My friends daughter is married to one they as in laws tread on eggs around him as does his wife and kids. He treats them all like dirt when in one of his moods. He's a lazy bastard who won't care for his kids when his wife is late at work or ill that's the grandparents job, even though they both work.

I'm so sorry.

Yes DP - he has however made it clear to me how much he bullied his ex wife for her to walk away penniless. So I’ve no doubt he would do the same to me.

Just wow 😨
You need to get yourself sorted and leave this man.
He maybe a victim, but then in turn he victimised his wife (to walk away penniless) and is now victimising you. 💯

Don't put yourself on the sacrificial alter for this relationship. 👎

Get legal advice.
Get organised.
Leave safely

@Octopusbluesea

You don’t need to give us an idea of the person you are - that speaks of your trauma ie you are saying I’m a decent person why is he like this as if you can fix it, you can’t.

I sympathise as I’m like that with my mother - I’m a really decent person why does she not see that! It doesn’t work like that though unfortunately. He’s a dick, he may be a dick with unresolved trauma but that’s irrelevant, the effect on you is the same.

There is NO WAY id stay in the relationship you describe.

He is a "P" not a "H" with zero claim to your assets and you dont have a child together.

Its not clear do you rent or own your cutrent home?
If owned I'd consider forcing a sale... if you sell to him the house will be worth £300k if you buy him out itll be worth £420k

Thankfully he has told you before you marry him.
For all the trauma he has, he is an abusive dick and you need to leave while you have the means to do so- no doubt he'll bully you out of every penny you have to keep you trapped as well.
You are not a rehabilitation centre for traumatised men, so please leave him. Engage legal support if you must, so he can 'bully' your solicitor instead of you.
He is thoroughly unpleasant.

Slight side note but he needs to put his phone on silent, jeez the pinging would drive me nuts.

I'm always amazed by how many men come back from their therapy sessions to tell their partners that they've been told they have to be cared for to the exclusion of all else...

I sometimes wonder if they are telling the entire truth, or simply the truth as they see it or as they feel it ought to be.

It doesn't sound as if being his emotional support human is working really. You need to stop doing that.

It also sounds as if he rinses his women until they've got nothing left and then lines up the next one.

Tbh right now I think in your shoes I'd see a solicitor. How he treated his ex was a red flag, but it gives you information on how dirty he plays and how to navigate it.

The saying, 'Joint the force, get a divorce', springs to mind.

Yes. I’ve had a lot of trauma-related therapy over the last five years with a few different therapists in different modalities, and that has literally never been suggested. It has completely focused on my ways of suppressing/trauma-impacted patterns of thinking, and learning healthier methods of self-regulation. The responsibility is mine, as is the responsibility for not letting it impact on the people in my life.

@Octopusbluesea everyone else has already chimed in on telling you he is abusive but from my POV as someone who escaped a similar dynamic with a police officer who was also full of therapy speak and everything being about him you need to be prepared for a few things:

You have to end this relationship. He doesn’t respect or like you. You are a free therapist to baby him. That’s it.

He is even worse than you think and will bank on being able to intimidate you with stories of what he’s done to his ex wife and knowing his ‘brothers’ in the force will protect him no matter what he does to you. You cannot rely on the police in any capacity so look to DV charities who can help you assess options and give advise in getting away from him. I found refuge incredible helpful.

As you aren’t married he can’t punish you financially the way he did his wife and he can’t get his hands on your money which will drive him mad. This will make him worse in some ways. Keep records of everything, record him if you have to. He will tell you it’s illegal (no it’s not) and it’s not admissible in court (true but you need proof of being gaslit when you doubt yourself).

My abuser threatened to kill me then told me I was misinterpreting the messages due to my insecurity and jealousy.
Then had his friends from the station ‘accidentally’ call me the next day as if I was someone who had reported a crime about something else and then confirmed my details were on their database in case they ever needed to reach me about anything else.

I had to leave my home for 4 weeks because he reminded me he knew every access way to my house ‘for safety reasons’.

The only thing these men fear at the minute is not legal justice but public shaming - which of them will be the next face of the police shame media campaign. That’s what got my abuser to disappear - he knows he will never be disciplined if I report him, only if he brings scrutiny on the police that shines a light on their toxic culture of covering up for each other via a negative news story. When he realised I had had his abuse validated by Refuge and that there are always journalists and campaigners looking to collect stories of policemen abusing their powers to DV partners, he became a broken victim of trauma begging forgiveness and vowing never to cause me a moments distress ever again lest he be the next poster boy. It gives me great pleasure to know he will live with the worry of his true self coming to light for a long time.

sadly this but also.. what he is telling you the therapist has said? Have you actually heard this directly from the the therapist?