AIBU to feel betrayed after mum let others stay in our house?

[WeFoundLove]

I’ve name changed as I’m guessing this won’t have happened to too many other people this week.

We have been away on holiday and my mum asked if she could stay at our house for a few days when we were away. We live in the countryside and my mum lives in a city so she enjoys being here for a change of pace. I asked what she planned to do and she said not much, just relax, read, go on walks and just have time to herself. I said she was welcome to stay, made up a spare room for her, made her some meals for the freezer and got other food in for her.

We have got back earlier today and our house is not how my mum would normally leave it, just little things like cushions on the sofas were left untidy, the bin and dishwasher were not emptied. We don’t mind, it’s little things, but my husband said that it’s not like my mum and asked if I thought she was ok. I sent my mum a text to say we were home but I didn’t hear back which is unlike her.

We have cameras that record outside and in the hallway so I checked them to see when she left thinking maybe she had stayed longer and was still travelling home. The cameras showed my mum arriving with my step sister, her partner and 1 other person who we don’t know. I can see them all coming and going over 5 days. My mum leaves about 3 hours before the rest of them on the last day they’re here.

I do not get on with my step sister and haven’t spoken to her for years after a big fall out. My mum knows she will never be welcome in our home. I feel so angry and betrayed that my mum has lied to me and let them use our home.

Since checking the cameras, I’ve had a good look in each room. They’ve obviously used other rooms to sleep in and some of our toiletries have been used. I presume they’ve all had a good look around.

My mum still hasn’t answered my text, I’ve also called her and she isn’t answering. We are really angry that my mum has let other people stay here when we only agreed she could. Obviously I will speak to mum but how would you feel and react to this? My husband says we will need to change the locks and we’ll never trust them again, which at the moment I agree with. It’s my mum and I’m trying to think of good reasons she would have allowed this and think it’s okay but she knows I hate my SS so there really isn’t any good reason.

I’m petty. I’d message her “I hope it was worth it” - if you can comfortably afford changing the locks I’d leave it at that, if things are tight then I’d maybe also add “you owe me $xx to change the locks”
Then I’d mute her and wait several weeks/months until I was ready to hear an explanation… but there isn’t an explanation that could justify this.

I have an estranged sister (neither my brother or I will have her in our house/day to day life) - if my mum knowingly invited her into my home while I was away then that would seriously damage our relationship…and she knows this which is why she is very respectful of the boundaries my brother and I have. Your mum clearly hasn’t learnt that actions have consequences and perhaps it’s time she does.

That's the whole point, they're not sharing a parent if they're "step". Steps are related by marriage only, so your mother's second husband is your stepdad (assuming your dad was first husband), any DC the second husband has already are your step siblings. Half-siblings literally share a parent with you ie one of your parents is their biological parent too. You could legally marry your step sibling if you wanted to, to marry a half-sibling would be illegal because it's incest.

@WeFoundLove I'd be beyond furious given the history and your mum knows your feelings. She's blatantly ignored them thinking you'd never know. How many times has she done this without you knowing?

Fuck me, I was talking about in general.

Absolutely outrageous. I would be horrified to know someone I did not like was in my house. She knows this was the case for you, hence her deceit. What an awful breach of trust and how awful she has prioritised step sister over her trust with you. I would not forgive this. Change the locks. I would be going low contact and never allowing her in the house whether you were there or not.

Keep an eye on your credit rating too, they've also had access to personal paperwork which may have had passwords, national insurance numbers, date of birth, banking information, utility bills, hospital letters etc, which they could have written down or even photocopied. If they wanted to open bank accounts or credit cards in your name or to steal your identity for finance deals, it's likely they easily could do. I'd actually alert the banks you use that your information may have been compromised so they can keep a tighter check than usual going forward.

@Woodfiresareamazing2 sadly trespass isn't a criminal offense in UK. The partner is described as a loser, taking them to court for food money and expecting to get paid, even if OP wins, is probably pointless.

My word, this is appalling. Actually shocking. Why would she do this to you? She does realise she's absolutely ruined your relationship, forever, I suppose.

Of course you MUST change the locks. God I would feel so violated, a person you loathe, some loser and a stranger rummaging around in your home. And your own MOTHER laughing at you behind your back. This is genuinely awful.

Block her on any socials you are on together, of course.

I wouldn't bother texting her, calling her or speaking to her again for the foreseeable future. She will, at some point, address it. She will probably try to pretend she doesn't know why you are ignoring her. I'd ignore her forever, until she simply apologises. Not a single word, nothing, not a syllable until she genuinely apologises.

It's the only sort of punishment narcissistic arseholes actually ever respond to, or even feel. They hate to be ignored and they hate when attempts to cause harm and drama fall on deaf ears.

There is no reasonable explanation for this, beyond your mother being a pretty awful person, who wanted for some reason to hurt you. I don't bother trying to ascribe imaginary reasons for things that people do, that's called filling in the blanks and it's how narcissists and people with personality disorders get away wtih so much for so long.

I just go with what's obvious. She knew it would hurt, she did it, ergo she wanted to hurt you.

If, at some point, she grovellingly apologises and comes up with a different reason, you can address that then. Until then, you should absolutely totally and utterly ignore her. She's earned that and a lot more.

I would also make a police report about these strangers who had access to your home without your permission. At least get a paper trail going in case they decide to steal from you as well, since they've had access to your home and might have found private information about you.

Step Sister = finnallyhereweare. Who else could think this is ok

OP it’s totally unacceptable. But this seems strangely out of character for her - have you managed to speak to her yet?

im so sorry - this will take some getting over in terms of your relationship

yea, there was a separate post on this subject not long ago about step siblings and half siblings and I found it quite strange that some people didn’t know the difference.

Abhorrent behaviour from your DM. Truly disappointing. So sorry she had the audacity to do this!

You need to hear from your mother but it's obviously never okay to bring other people when you've said it's just you. She wouldn't be staying in my home again. She's broken that trust.

This is really bizarre and upsetting. I'd be so furious.

I’d be livid… understatement. Massive beach of trust.

I'd be wary of possible ID theft as we've all got sensitive paper work about the house etc.
Your mum's an idiot bugger phoning her I'd be on for face to face showdown .
Thats your home not an air b&B

I would send her a bill for a house clean and the locks and id be installing another camera at the back.

I would also want to know who this additional stranger is.

I would be only meeting my mum in a neutral location from this point on. Total abuse of trust, for me there's no going back from that.

I can’t say it would bother me, it’s just stuff- it’s not like they were wearing her knickers! It’s not really strangers it’s her mum and step sister and someone they know. If I had a good relationship with my mum I’d trust her judgement, it’s really not that big of a deal if someone uses my teabags/mugs when I’m not in the house.

It is if the sheets are dirty and they were planning to sleep in those beds.

This is terrible advice- do not do this!

Well your mother has certainly shown her true colours hasn't she? This is an obvious breach of trust and you have every right to be fuming, this is your home. She obviously knew you would not be happy about this which is why she didn't tell you.
Definitely take any key off her and maybe even suggest she pays for the changing of the locks as you don't even know one of the people that were there.

I think the fact there was a stranger with them would make me change the locks especially as it could impact on any insurance policy. Not to mention security especially if OP had to be alone at night.
Would give DM the bill too.

I am normally laid back with regard to this sort of thing: if I’ve agreed to someone staying at my house when I’m not there, I don’t mind them bringing other people over assuming they clean up after themselves. However, there’s NO way that I would accept this scenario.
Your Mum has massively betrayed your trust, as she knows full well that you and your step sister don’t get on and therefore you wouldn’t want her and her partner in your home.
Yes, I’d change the locks and I would be waiting for an explanation/ massive apology from your Mum.
Also, why would your step sister even want to stay at yours if you don’t get on? I’d want an explanation for this too.

Definitely. If OP does find jewellery or something missing it will not be covered as insurance doesn't cover theft by people invited into your home.

Some people refer to siblings who haven't same father as step as well.
Think it's because it is the way breeding animals such as racehorse are classed so they carry it over to humans too.

I'd be furious, and I'm really relaxed about people staying at my place. But not someone you literally go out of your way to avoid.

Plus the fact that she lied to you. Hard to imagine going back from that.