AIBU to feel betrayed after mum let others stay in our house?

[WeFoundLove]

I’ve name changed as I’m guessing this won’t have happened to too many other people this week.

We have been away on holiday and my mum asked if she could stay at our house for a few days when we were away. We live in the countryside and my mum lives in a city so she enjoys being here for a change of pace. I asked what she planned to do and she said not much, just relax, read, go on walks and just have time to herself. I said she was welcome to stay, made up a spare room for her, made her some meals for the freezer and got other food in for her.

We have got back earlier today and our house is not how my mum would normally leave it, just little things like cushions on the sofas were left untidy, the bin and dishwasher were not emptied. We don’t mind, it’s little things, but my husband said that it’s not like my mum and asked if I thought she was ok. I sent my mum a text to say we were home but I didn’t hear back which is unlike her.

We have cameras that record outside and in the hallway so I checked them to see when she left thinking maybe she had stayed longer and was still travelling home. The cameras showed my mum arriving with my step sister, her partner and 1 other person who we don’t know. I can see them all coming and going over 5 days. My mum leaves about 3 hours before the rest of them on the last day they’re here.

I do not get on with my step sister and haven’t spoken to her for years after a big fall out. My mum knows she will never be welcome in our home. I feel so angry and betrayed that my mum has lied to me and let them use our home.

Since checking the cameras, I’ve had a good look in each room. They’ve obviously used other rooms to sleep in and some of our toiletries have been used. I presume they’ve all had a good look around.

My mum still hasn’t answered my text, I’ve also called her and she isn’t answering. We are really angry that my mum has let other people stay here when we only agreed she could. Obviously I will speak to mum but how would you feel and react to this? My husband says we will need to change the locks and we’ll never trust them again, which at the moment I agree with. It’s my mum and I’m trying to think of good reasons she would have allowed this and think it’s okay but she knows I hate my SS so there really isn’t any good reason.

Your mother is appalling. Just unspeakable. I'm sorry, OP. It's a lot to absorb, although I'm sure there were other red flags in the past.

Also, and I don't want to be mean here, but if she knew there was a camera, how on earth did she think she would get away with it? She doesn't strike me as the brightest, to be honest.

You should have made her aware of the cameras. No matter what. Cos even if she came alone she should still be aware.

Her mum knew about the cameras
op says that in post

You're 100% in the right and your mums behaviour has been appalling. This is very typical behaviour from the instigator of 'step' families though. She's chosen these randos to hook up with and has the entitlement to expect that everyone else should make that comfortable for her - and when they don't she'll just do what she wants anyway. Horrible way to treat her daughter. She should be really ashamed and clearly she isn't.

Have you checked all your jewellery and valuables?

99% agree YANBU - I can only think the other 1% hadn’t got their glasses on and clicked the wrong button😂

Maybe they thought she is unreasonable even to be talking to her mother any more, or something?

@WeFoundLove , your mother's response was sad to read. Seems she doesn't care about how you feel. She does not respect you. I can't imagine how you must be feeling.
Sorry this is something you are dealing with.

Your mum knew about the cameras and invited them because she knew you couldn’t get back early and spoil their jollies. That’s not just a total lack of respect for you it’s a brazen show of contempt for you and your home. She doesn’t regret it and clearly tried to start an argument by saying you were spying on her.

Any update about your mum @WeFoundLove? I hope she understands how this has affected you.

Thanks for the update OP - I hope you are ok.

One thing I would say is, if it can be repaired, it may be worth trying. I totally understand why you are annoyed. But is it worth losing your mom over? I fell out with my mom once and we didn't speak for two years - I am SO thankful we made it up. Now my position is that nothing is worth losing the people who know you the best and love you the most.

Your decision, obviously, and I mean no disrespect.

I am sorry she doesn’t see the problem. She was trying to keep it secret. Clearly.

I think when your parent is narcissistic and or abusive, it can be very bad for your mental health to stay in touch. I think it has to be case by case - just because someone is related to you, doesn’t mean it’s a good relationship to keep and with abuse, the loss is already there, and further contact just serves to do more harm.

Im not sure if this mum is a narcissist or abusive but her actions here have not considered the emotional impact on the OP and when confronted with her poor, deceptive behaviour she just got cross at being found out and tried to turn it back on the OP. DARVO.

So it might be that this is just one in a long line of choices the mum has made that invalidate the OPs feelings, deny her experience etc.

Hope you’re ok @WeFoundLove This thread and how your mum has behaved has stuck with me.

Don’t let her guilt trip you, having CCTV is totally normal and it’s not unusual to have entrance/hallway CCTV if you’re going away. How else would you detect theft or other issues? You’re not physically there.

the fact she’s twisted this on “spying”, to me indicates she spoke to the others, they fed her that line, and they’ve all aligned perspectives before she came back to you. It’s probably why she was delayed in responding to you, the others validated her perspective to her, which gave her the confidence to try and confront you

personally, I would cut her off based on this. It’s not about the incident itself, her behaviour afterwards is worse! She’s being manipulative and isn’t behaving like a normal mother would.