AIBU to feel betrayed after mum let others stay in our house?

[WeFoundLove]

I’ve name changed as I’m guessing this won’t have happened to too many other people this week.

We have been away on holiday and my mum asked if she could stay at our house for a few days when we were away. We live in the countryside and my mum lives in a city so she enjoys being here for a change of pace. I asked what she planned to do and she said not much, just relax, read, go on walks and just have time to herself. I said she was welcome to stay, made up a spare room for her, made her some meals for the freezer and got other food in for her.

We have got back earlier today and our house is not how my mum would normally leave it, just little things like cushions on the sofas were left untidy, the bin and dishwasher were not emptied. We don’t mind, it’s little things, but my husband said that it’s not like my mum and asked if I thought she was ok. I sent my mum a text to say we were home but I didn’t hear back which is unlike her.

We have cameras that record outside and in the hallway so I checked them to see when she left thinking maybe she had stayed longer and was still travelling home. The cameras showed my mum arriving with my step sister, her partner and 1 other person who we don’t know. I can see them all coming and going over 5 days. My mum leaves about 3 hours before the rest of them on the last day they’re here.

I do not get on with my step sister and haven’t spoken to her for years after a big fall out. My mum knows she will never be welcome in our home. I feel so angry and betrayed that my mum has lied to me and let them use our home.

Since checking the cameras, I’ve had a good look in each room. They’ve obviously used other rooms to sleep in and some of our toiletries have been used. I presume they’ve all had a good look around.

My mum still hasn’t answered my text, I’ve also called her and she isn’t answering. We are really angry that my mum has let other people stay here when we only agreed she could. Obviously I will speak to mum but how would you feel and react to this? My husband says we will need to change the locks and we’ll never trust them again, which at the moment I agree with. It’s my mum and I’m trying to think of good reasons she would have allowed this and think it’s okay but she knows I hate my SS so there really isn’t any good reason.

This is a huge breach of trust and I would definitely change the locks. I’d also tell mum that this is not ok and not let her stay in your house again.

Utterly outrageous! Change the locks and never let your Mum through the door again, she has clearly shown you who she prioritizes in her life.
I would be fuming! 😡

I think that's awful. What on earth was she thinking? I would definitely change the locks. And I wouldn't let her stay again.

Your mum has been very rude and deceitful to allow all these other people to stay in your house without your knowledge or permission. Has she ever done anything like this before?

I agree with your husband about changing the locks and not allowing her to stay ever again.

I agree
I wouldn’t have your mum in your house again never mind anyone else!

Wow! I would never trust her again. How many times has she done this before?

I would be so disappointed. I would probably sit with it for awhile and consider my next step. I wouldn’t want to completely fall out, but I would want distance for awhile.

Your mum has behaved disgracefully. WTF was she thinking ?

Also agree a massive breach of trust by your mum. Horrible. The out right lying. She would never be allowed to stay on her own again and I’d demand she pay for a cleaner for the state she/they left the house in.

I would never let anyone stay in my house while I’m away

Massively out of line. I agree to changing the locks and not allowing her to stay whilst you are away ever again. What was she thinking! Even if you did like your sister it’s a massive overstep to bring so many other people to your home

Nothing like this, not that I’m aware of anyway. I know she would like everyone to get on, she invites us to family things but we never go of SS is going. I would have said I could trust my mum completely before this. I feel like I’ve been punched in the stomach. I just keep thinking there must be some explanation, some emergency situation but I know there isn’t. Gutted.

I would never let her stay over again when you are away, she has shown that she cannot be trusted. What was she thinking!? Unfortunately it looks like you are going to have change your locks so this can never happen again.

I imagine your DM has irreparably damaged your relationship.

She’s broken your trust massively and ridden roughshod over your feelings - assuming she knows how you feel about your step sister.

I would have to speak to her and tell her what her stupid decision has cost her.

And yes, do change the locks. I’d also be tempted to bill your mum for this.

Just my opinion, everyone will feel differently about this based on relationships etc. I would not be too bothered about the slight disarray (although annoying) and I would let the food prep go, you were kind and generous, a good host. I would not feel the need to change the locks. I would, however, be mightily pissed off about my mother being deceptive, despite having every chance to be honest over a 5 day period. It is one thing when someone that she loves and trusts dropping in for a few hours (even if you don't like them yourself), it is another completely when she has basically hosted a 5 day staycation at your house and they have slept in beds and so on. Yeah, I would be cross, and I am not sure I would be able to let it go. I think you need to talk to her, let her explain, and make it clear that she has crossed a boundary. xx

I’d be furious. I’d definatly change the locks. I’d think long and hard about speaking to my mother again after this massive breach of trust. So sorry OP, she’s really overstepped the mark.

That's really awful, it's not surprising you feel upset.

Agree change the locks and don't let her stay again.

I spent an afternoon before we went away cooking to put meals in the fridge and freezer for her, bought her favourite snacks, told her to help herself to wine. I like spoiling my mum but I’m not happy paying for SS and friends. I feel like such a mug. The locks will cost a small fortune to change as my husband wants them all changed.

I'm not surprised your angry especially given your mum knows your SS would not be welcomed into your house let alone treat it like a holiday escape.
I have the same with my B no relationship and NC for good reason. If my mum had done the same I would be demanding the spare key back and making it clear she had broken my trust.

I wouldn't be happy either even if i was in good terms.

I would want to understand why and how much hurt she has caused

And then I would change the locks.

I am also intrigued that in this day and age with doorbells how they thought you wouldn't find out. Maybe they knew you would and wanted to annoy you.

Wow, what an awful breach of your trust and generosity. If she doesn’t know you’ve got cameras, I’d wait and see if she told you the truth before telling her you know.

I’d tell her there are A LOT more cameras throughout the house. I’d enjoy thinking this would make step-sister and her partner/friend feel paranoid about what you’ve seen - did you see them wandering around naked, messing with your stuff, scratching their arse and worse. They would never be able to complain about it!

@WeFoundLove I would be absolutely livid if my mum did this! You are DEFINITELY NOT B U!
Regarding changing the locks. You can just change the barrels out. I've done this before. Think they were about £10 from Amazon. Plenty of YouTube videos showing how to measure for the side you need, and how to swap over. Really easy.

Awful, awful behaviour.

I assume she knows about the cameras.

Your mum callously abused your trust in her, she doesn’t care about your feelings, she knows you don’t get on with SS yet invited her to stay. She is not answering your messages because she knew you would be upset and angry so she’s ignoring you. Change the locks and done ever let her stay again. I’m sure you will hear back once she thinks you have cooled down. She has shown you she has no respect for your feelings and went behind your back to welcome them into your home knowing you would be upset.

This for me is 100% unforgivable.
I am very black and white so disregard this if you like.
My home is very much my sanctuary and I wouldn't ever forgive nor forget.

I would tell your mother that I hoped her duplicity and violation of my home was worth it.

She would never set foot in it again.
I would be mortified that my husband saw such low class behaviour from my family.