AIBU to feel betrayed after mum let others stay in our house?

[WeFoundLove]

I’ve name changed as I’m guessing this won’t have happened to too many other people this week.

We have been away on holiday and my mum asked if she could stay at our house for a few days when we were away. We live in the countryside and my mum lives in a city so she enjoys being here for a change of pace. I asked what she planned to do and she said not much, just relax, read, go on walks and just have time to herself. I said she was welcome to stay, made up a spare room for her, made her some meals for the freezer and got other food in for her.

We have got back earlier today and our house is not how my mum would normally leave it, just little things like cushions on the sofas were left untidy, the bin and dishwasher were not emptied. We don’t mind, it’s little things, but my husband said that it’s not like my mum and asked if I thought she was ok. I sent my mum a text to say we were home but I didn’t hear back which is unlike her.

We have cameras that record outside and in the hallway so I checked them to see when she left thinking maybe she had stayed longer and was still travelling home. The cameras showed my mum arriving with my step sister, her partner and 1 other person who we don’t know. I can see them all coming and going over 5 days. My mum leaves about 3 hours before the rest of them on the last day they’re here.

I do not get on with my step sister and haven’t spoken to her for years after a big fall out. My mum knows she will never be welcome in our home. I feel so angry and betrayed that my mum has lied to me and let them use our home.

Since checking the cameras, I’ve had a good look in each room. They’ve obviously used other rooms to sleep in and some of our toiletries have been used. I presume they’ve all had a good look around.

My mum still hasn’t answered my text, I’ve also called her and she isn’t answering. We are really angry that my mum has let other people stay here when we only agreed she could. Obviously I will speak to mum but how would you feel and react to this? My husband says we will need to change the locks and we’ll never trust them again, which at the moment I agree with. It’s my mum and I’m trying to think of good reasons she would have allowed this and think it’s okay but she knows I hate my SS so there really isn’t any good reason.

That's really quite an odd thing to do. She must have known in her heart of hearts that she was going to have to wave goodbye to any chance of borrowing your house again, and that it would mess up her relationship with you. I wonder what on earth was going through her head? At best I suppose she may have deceived herself either that you wouldn't find out or that you wouldn't mind.

We feel changing all the locks is necessary. My step sisters partner is a loser and we have no idea who the other person was. They have all had access to the keys for all the doors and for all we know could have copied them.

So disappointing. This is the kind of thing I can imagine happening to my husband, cooking all those lovely meals and getting lovely treats to spoil her and then seeing that on the camera. I’m so sorry.

Your mum’s the one who should be paying for the locks to be changed. I’d just send her the invoice for the locks and a screenshot of the CCTV stills and say you’re devastated she tricked you.

Calling her is pointless - she’s got no justifiable explanation.

So sorry this has happened to you and definitely change the locks for peace of mind. What on earth was she thinking?

Pretty obvious surely? House sitters house presumably has a partner living in it and anyone with half an ounce of intelligence knows an occupied house is far less likely to get burgled. You're just being disingenuous.

I’m not sure why you seem to think we needed or wanted a house sitter. We were going away and my mum asked if she could stay. We didn’t ask her. We were going to leave our house empty.

Did they wash the bedding and towels or do you have to do all of that?

It’s not really the point is it?

I’d be furious OP, sorry you feel the way you do but it’s totally justifiable

Blimey, this is awful. Your mum has prioritised someone else’s daughter over her own? That’s unforgivable.

I would be absolutely livid.

I wouldn't like it if she invited people to stay who I liked, without asking, nevermind people I didn't.

You are being very patient waiting for responses, I think I might be tempted to travel to get an answer face to face if I didn't get a response. I imagine it would be very cheap to travel as I would make it there by steam.

I can't speak for anyone else, but if your mum is staying you may also be happy to just leave certain things out, letters, bills, money and or tucked away in unlocked drawers, but if you knew other people were visiting you may well have taken extra steps to protect your privacy.

I would be going out of my mind 😂

Wait, which house are you talking about? Who’s got dogs and had a sitter?

WOW.

This is an unbelievable violation of your trust and privacy. I don’t know how your relationship with your mother can ever recover from this.

What was she thinking? You must insist on answers. She absolutely needs to know how you feel about this.

And obviously change the locks.

I agreed, I would absolutely be changing the locks and mum would never be trusted again!

I also think it's crazy for this other woman to want to stay at your house if you've had a falling out, unless she knew it would really wind you up.

I would be gutted too OP. That's a terrible breach of trust and one she presumably planned and deliberately lied to you about. @grlwhowrites is right about changing all the locks but not telling her.

Did she know about the cameras? It seems so weird to do this knowing you'd be caught. Maybe she just didn't think you would look. It doesn't excuse what she's done, but could your stepsister be blackmailing her or have some other way of exerting control over her?

Well we don’t know the backstory here. It’s not just “someone else’s daughter” but her step daughter whom she may have been a mother figure to for decades.

Anyway not really relevant. Still outrageous. I personally wouldn’t change the locks but would be having a very direct chat with my mother. Sounds like she knows she has crossed the line. I guess she is one of those types not wanting to cause any trouble or bad feeling which results in exactly that because that mindset comes with an inability to say no.

I’d be changing the locks too. Your mother clearly has terrible judgement and can’t be trusted, so it makes sense. I wouldn’t want to retain contact with someone with such disregard for my privacy and boundaries, honestly, but I am admittedly quite protective of my own space and would be extremely unlikely to have allowed her to stay to begin with.

Yes. The trouble with that type is that what they’re really doing is throwing someone else under the bus in order to save themselves from discomfort. It’s disguising spinelessness as decency.

To stop burglaries, water plants, feed cats/other pets, enjoy some peace and quiet in the country/free holiday.

Change the locks and only meet your mother outside your house, she wouldn’t darken my door again. I honestly would feel violated.

What reason is there, apart from your mum, for the rest of them to want to come and stay in your house?

Do you live in a part of the country that is a tourist attraction like the Lake District, or in a capital city like Edinburgh or London?

Surely in those scenarios you get a hotel or ask literally anybody else to have you stay, rather than someone where there is mutual dislike.

SS must be loving this. Having SM choose you over her actual DD, staying in her place knowing it'll drive her wild, snooping round, inviting strangers over to wind OP up even more, then laughing maniacally knowing you've probably caused a rift.

OP I might be tempted to pretend I wasn't bothered simply so that SS doesn't get the satisfaction. Obviously DM would never be trusted again.

Horribly deceitful.

Is the SS her DD? I'm guessing so ...

Your mum has been a user.

I mean even still. It's her home not Center Parcs.

I'd consider sending them all a bill for the free hospitality. I'd also be plotting my revenge.

OP said step sister not step daughter.

I am wondering if she is the DM's own DD with a different father from OP's father?