AIBU to feel betrayed after mum let others stay in our house?

[WeFoundLove]

I’ve name changed as I’m guessing this won’t have happened to too many other people this week.

We have been away on holiday and my mum asked if she could stay at our house for a few days when we were away. We live in the countryside and my mum lives in a city so she enjoys being here for a change of pace. I asked what she planned to do and she said not much, just relax, read, go on walks and just have time to herself. I said she was welcome to stay, made up a spare room for her, made her some meals for the freezer and got other food in for her.

We have got back earlier today and our house is not how my mum would normally leave it, just little things like cushions on the sofas were left untidy, the bin and dishwasher were not emptied. We don’t mind, it’s little things, but my husband said that it’s not like my mum and asked if I thought she was ok. I sent my mum a text to say we were home but I didn’t hear back which is unlike her.

We have cameras that record outside and in the hallway so I checked them to see when she left thinking maybe she had stayed longer and was still travelling home. The cameras showed my mum arriving with my step sister, her partner and 1 other person who we don’t know. I can see them all coming and going over 5 days. My mum leaves about 3 hours before the rest of them on the last day they’re here.

I do not get on with my step sister and haven’t spoken to her for years after a big fall out. My mum knows she will never be welcome in our home. I feel so angry and betrayed that my mum has lied to me and let them use our home.

Since checking the cameras, I’ve had a good look in each room. They’ve obviously used other rooms to sleep in and some of our toiletries have been used. I presume they’ve all had a good look around.

My mum still hasn’t answered my text, I’ve also called her and she isn’t answering. We are really angry that my mum has let other people stay here when we only agreed she could. Obviously I will speak to mum but how would you feel and react to this? My husband says we will need to change the locks and we’ll never trust them again, which at the moment I agree with. It’s my mum and I’m trying to think of good reasons she would have allowed this and think it’s okay but she knows I hate my SS so there really isn’t any good reason.

It's the enforced intimacy or intrusion of the SS being in your home, in your absence, that is shocking.

Fair enough.

Bloody hell.

You need her to tell you who the other person was.

She wouldn't ever be back in my house. Not only will your utility bills be high this month chances are you'll start to notice things have disappeared as well.

Have you checked your jewellery box yet?

If they have the same mum then that wouldn't be her step sister, it would be her half sister.
I've not said anywhere step daughter?

No. Not obvious.

Not every house sitter will have a partner or spouse. What a weird take.

If you go on holiday and know your house is empty surely the sensible thing to do is lock away any cash and valuable goods in the safe and put the house alarm on.

I’ve never known anyone who needs a house sitter for a holiday unless they have dogs. Then they are referred to as a dog sitter.

Just in general.

I sometimes wonder whether because am ND i under react. I would be upset, ket her know but it didn't occur to me that this is worth changing locks over (i guess security issue in case strangers copy key. I confess i can under estimate danger sometimes) but def dont see this as a reason to never trust mum again, cut her off or to not allow her to stay over ever again. I mean she raised me safely and has been good so far so surely one mistake doesnt make her demonic? Am I Super naive?

Oh I hadn't realised that distinction! No blending in my family. I thought step and half were interchangeable in the circumstances of sharing a parent ...

Im so sorry what a horrible thing your mum has done. Im truly sorry.

Your mother has really violated your trust.
Do check any valuables including tools, toiletries etc. I’d change the locks and not send any message or phone call at all. The next interaction has to be a gift wrapped apology and explanation from her. It’s absolutely absurd behaviour to invite someone you don’t like or trust into your home, as well as people you don’t even know.

That’s awful. A huge breach of trust and I’d never be letting her visit again never mind stay

i think you are over reacting a bit here- just talk to your mum and say it can’t happen again. No need to make a huge deal out of it.

I’d be really disappointed as well. It’s one thing halving your mum there, another having all these uninvited guests.

i wouldn’t let her stay again.Not necessarily cut her off completely, but wouldn’t see her in the same light.

So you’d like strangers in your house, using your stuff etc without your permission or knowledge?

Dreadful behaviour from your mother. I can't imagine how she could begin to justify it. I understand why you feel changing the locks is necessary and I think you should send her the invoice.

The level of disrespect and deceit is off the charts. It would be a cols day in hell before she was ever in my home again when I was home muchless when I'm not.

I would not be happy at all with Strangers staying in my house, using my stuff etc.
For me that would be a huge violation of trust. OP’s Mother knows it is wrong, and is probably why she’s avoiding any contact with her.

I’d be furious if this happened to me.

I would send her a bill for changing the locks and no further communication. Unless she profusely apologised and agreed to contribute to the new locks.

There is the little matter of insurance, Had anything happened during their stay it wouldn't have been covered, and the insurance company will definitely want the locks changed, If you left any digital stuff there, change the passwords as well.

Would you be happy if someone who asked to stay in your house while you were away brought three other people with them, without prior agreement? One person you actively dislike, their partner who you don't trust and a third complete stranger. They used beds and rooms you were not expecting.

What are you talking about?

OP didn't have a house sitter.

She doesn't use a house sitter.

Her mum wanted to stay in OP's home while they were away, for a break from city life. But instead of staying on her own, as agreed, she brought in OP's SS, her partner, and another person.

You have missed the whole point of this post.

I wonder why your mum is ignoring your contact. Like fair enough she might be in your bad books but it’s like she isn’t willing to apologise or make amends. Very immature

I'm not surprised you feel like you've been punched in the guts. She's your mum, you thought you could trust her and ought to have been able to do so.

Since she's compounded the breach of trust by ignoring you, it'd sadly be a NC situation for me. I may relent if she ever came back to me with a sincere apology, but it would have to be soon, truly sincere, involve an explanation of some kind of mitigating circumstances and include an offer to pay for lock changes and cleaner. I doubt that'll happen given she's ignoring you.

But if it did, then I'd keep contact but I'd definitely cool things off a lot and she wouldn't be invited into my home ever again. It would be duty visits around birthday and Christmas (but not Christmas day) at her place. I wouldn't stay over, I'd either return home same day or if not possible I'd get a hotel.

Other meetings would be in café's or other public places near me and very rarely. I'd really prefer if it was just family occasions with wider relatives after such a betrayal, I don't know what I'd find to say one-to-one any more to someone who'd treated me like that.

I couldn't truly come back from a breach of trust like this. It's so utterly appalling due to it being people she knows you don't like, aren't in contact with and wouldn't want in your home even for a cuppa, never mind free to poke around in your personal belongings and private information.

I'd be gutted, but at the end of the day she'd be the one who'd fucked the relationship between us. I know I wouldn't get over it, not when getting over it means sweeping it under the rug and never speaking of it again.

I would be furious OP.

I understand the reasoning behind the suggestions to bill her for the locks and/or the hospitality, and if it's actually going to make things difficult for you, it might be worth considering. But I think a cold silent fury is a better way to communicate how much she's betrayed your trust. Otherwise it becomes about the money, which isn't your main concern.

I would not want to see her for a while. And, obviously, would never trust her in the house alone again.

You are talking nonsense, and no-one agrees with you.

OP's mother has behaved atrociously. I think she should definitely pay all the costs associated with changing the locks, and possibly for a deep clean, and laundering all the bedding and towels.

I would be so angry I wouldn't trust myself to speak to her, I'd put it all in writing.

If OP really wanted to give her mum a scare she could say that she is considering using the evidence on the cameras to charge her SS and the other two with trespass and theft, as they did NOT have permission to be in her house, use her things, eat her food etc.