AIBU to feel betrayed after mum let others stay in our house?

[WeFoundLove]

I’ve name changed as I’m guessing this won’t have happened to too many other people this week.

We have been away on holiday and my mum asked if she could stay at our house for a few days when we were away. We live in the countryside and my mum lives in a city so she enjoys being here for a change of pace. I asked what she planned to do and she said not much, just relax, read, go on walks and just have time to herself. I said she was welcome to stay, made up a spare room for her, made her some meals for the freezer and got other food in for her.

We have got back earlier today and our house is not how my mum would normally leave it, just little things like cushions on the sofas were left untidy, the bin and dishwasher were not emptied. We don’t mind, it’s little things, but my husband said that it’s not like my mum and asked if I thought she was ok. I sent my mum a text to say we were home but I didn’t hear back which is unlike her.

We have cameras that record outside and in the hallway so I checked them to see when she left thinking maybe she had stayed longer and was still travelling home. The cameras showed my mum arriving with my step sister, her partner and 1 other person who we don’t know. I can see them all coming and going over 5 days. My mum leaves about 3 hours before the rest of them on the last day they’re here.

I do not get on with my step sister and haven’t spoken to her for years after a big fall out. My mum knows she will never be welcome in our home. I feel so angry and betrayed that my mum has lied to me and let them use our home.

Since checking the cameras, I’ve had a good look in each room. They’ve obviously used other rooms to sleep in and some of our toiletries have been used. I presume they’ve all had a good look around.

My mum still hasn’t answered my text, I’ve also called her and she isn’t answering. We are really angry that my mum has let other people stay here when we only agreed she could. Obviously I will speak to mum but how would you feel and react to this? My husband says we will need to change the locks and we’ll never trust them again, which at the moment I agree with. It’s my mum and I’m trying to think of good reasons she would have allowed this and think it’s okay but she knows I hate my SS so there really isn’t any good reason.

I feel so angry for you.

How absolutely outrageous of your mum to breach your trust like that - surely she knows how you feel about stepsister?

Also; why would your stepsister come stay at your home knowing full well she isn’t welcome?!

AND THE STRANGER?!?!?!

That would cause irreparable damage to my relationship with my mum.

Your mum has been a first class numpty. And to not answer your text or pick up the phone is not cool either.
Yeah, change the locks. And that's the end of it - no more staying over as 100% can't be trusted. I'd prob not even tell her was going away in future.
Sorry OP, not very nice behaviour and would feel a little violated having strangers and people not liked in my house.

I would be furious. I would not want to be around her. She's untrustworthy.

They've absolutely taken the piss

Wow! I’m trying to think of scenarios that could explain the situation. Your SS had a flood at home. Or a fire and has had to move out. Or she lives in an area near the RAF base that got evacuated.

When you say SS, do you mean daughter of your step father? Has he recently passed away?

I am RAGING on your behalf. For me there would be no coming back from that.

Massive betrayal of trust ... she knew you wouldn't allow it so she lied to you

Your relationship will be tricky going forward, I'm sorry

Unforgivable to let these people in without your express permission. Does she have form for underhand behaviour and lying to you by omission? Have you checked that nothing has been stolen/all important documents are still there?

On a practical note OP, unless you have very fancy locks, you can usually change them yourself, so long as you can open the door to unscrew the barrel - have a look on YouTube. Replacements generally pretty cheap in DIY stores and only tool required is a screwdriver. If there are two of you, it's probably best to remove the current locks and one take them to the DIY store to check length against replacements whilst the other stays home in the unlocked house!

@WeFoundLove I would be livid. Your mum has behaved appallingly to your generosity. She’s definitely crossed boundaries and quite possibly ruined any future stays that she may have liked.

Not the same but similar. My DSis and DM came from another country to stay at our house for our wedding. After the wedding we were going on honeymoon for 2 weeks. My DSis and DM were holidaying at ours until we returned. DSis and DM used to live in the same country as us and had friends here. The morning of the honeymoon my DSis announces she invited her friend, her friend’s H and their kids to stay for a weekend while we were gone. Never asked us. Couldn’t say no at that point. It was a f**king liberty not to be asked, to check this was okay with us, and that they’ll be sleeping in our bed, just told it was happening.
Unfortunately this was the start of many boundaries crossed.

I would be fucking fuming. I am so annoyed on your behalf! Completely unforgivable betrayal of trust.

My home is my safe space; I would never get over someone I hated coming in and staying and having a nosy round. Your SS sounds like a loon too - presumably she is well aware of your disdain for her, so how weird of her to step foot in your house knowing she wouldn’t be invited.

Rude, low-class behaviour and, on top of that, they didn’t even clean up?? Disrespectful scruffs, the lot of them.

Your mum has behaved appallingly and you have every right to feel so hurt and betrayed. I would let her know how upset you are and that this will take a LONG time to repair. Also, never, ever let her stay at your house while you’re away again. If you’re willing to let her back in your home in the future, ensure it’s only ever when you’re there.

Your DH is right - absolutely change all the locks but don’t tell your mum you’ve done it. Next time you go away, if she tries to betray your trust and show up, she’ll find she can’t get in and it’ll have been a wasted journey.

I think you have to message and say since you’re being a coward and avoiding my calls, I’m texting to say you’ve totally betrayed my trust. I spent the afternoon before you came cooking for you to look after you, only for you to be secretly bringing people you know I don’t speak to to stay in our house. You’re supposed to be my mum! We are going to have to change the locks, I hope it was worth it!

I would be violent!
My house is my safe space and I’m very particular about who crosses my threshold .

It would be the last time they came to my home.

I think I would point out to Mum that laws have been broken here:

Squatting in a Residential Building: Under Section 144 of the Legal Aid, Sentencing and Punishment of Offenders Act 2012 entering and remaining as a squatter in a residential building without permission is a criminal offence if they know or ought to know they are a trespasser. This carries a maximum penalty of 6 months in prison, a £5,000 fine, or both.
Theft or Taking Without Consent: Using or taking your personal items (such as electronics, food, or clothes) with the intention of permanently depriving you of them constitutes theft under the Theft Act 1968.

That ought to put the wind up them all. Low-class scumbags.

Text her this

You told me you were staying at the house alone. The cameras show that you brought SS, her partner and another person, that they stayed for several days, and that you left them in our house after you left. You knew SS wasn’t welcome in our home. I need you to explain exactly what happened and why.

Well, obviously no to future stays and change the locks etc. But I'm even more concerned about the lack of contact and the choice to allow the stepdaughter in your home. Presumably she knew about the cameras.

This sounds really odd.

Did she explicitly say she was staying alone and having time to herself or did she just mention the walks and reading, you kind of imagined the herself bit? As in she was economical with the truth rather than outright saying she was coming alone

But surely if there had been a real emergency, and good intentions, her DM would have phoned and asked if it would be ok, given the circumstances?

I don't understand why should would if she knew about the cameras, because she'd surely know she'd be caught? And wouldn't the others have seen them? Guessing they're fairly obvious.
Only she can tell you what she was thinking. Could it have been a ploy to get you and step-sister talking, while it sounds crazy to think her doing this would actually make it more likely you'd get friendly with her, I just can't think of any other possible reason. I take it there's no mental health/dementia symptoms you're aware of, as that would be the obvious explanation, but you presumably wouldn't have posted if you thought there was any chance of that.

Of course you are not being unreasonable OP.

I do find it odd though how so many people need their houses to be “look after” whilst they’re on holiday. What happens to the house of the house sitter? Of course if you have dogs I understand. But I genuinely do not understand why people need someone in their house whilst they’re away.

The locks will cost a small fortune to change as my husband wants them all changed.

I'd want the same. It's completely understandable.

Your husband is right, they must be changed.

But it will bring you peace knowing they can never do this to you again.

I would be extremely angry about this. As with some posters my home is my private place and I HATE intruders. I even hate it if someone I don't know knocks at my door. I never open to strangers. Your mum is obviously avoiding you and this is guilty behaviour. After all your efforts to make her welcome, getting in special shopping and meals she has betrayed you. In your place I would not call or text again. I would allow the silence to go n so that she feels your displeasure.

When I first moved out of the parental home my mother asked for a key to my flat and I said no. I don't want people coming to my home and just walking in. I knew from experience that my mother was nosy and could have been poking about when she knew I was at work. She was quite upset as though she had some inherent right to just walk in because my mother.

I would hear her out. Becuase she’s your mum and you say you’ve never not trusted her before so maybe there is a reason. Not that that makes it ok, but at least hear what she has to say about it.

She has behaved disgracefully.

But changing all the locks is not necessary.

She now knows you have cameras.

If she is so brazen in future as to use a key to get in despite being recorded surely you only need one front door lock changed. Just the barrel if a Yale lock.

She has been 100% disrespectful, but presumably not a skilled burglar?