AIBU to feel betrayed after mum let others stay in our house?

[WeFoundLove]

I’ve name changed as I’m guessing this won’t have happened to too many other people this week.

We have been away on holiday and my mum asked if she could stay at our house for a few days when we were away. We live in the countryside and my mum lives in a city so she enjoys being here for a change of pace. I asked what she planned to do and she said not much, just relax, read, go on walks and just have time to herself. I said she was welcome to stay, made up a spare room for her, made her some meals for the freezer and got other food in for her.

We have got back earlier today and our house is not how my mum would normally leave it, just little things like cushions on the sofas were left untidy, the bin and dishwasher were not emptied. We don’t mind, it’s little things, but my husband said that it’s not like my mum and asked if I thought she was ok. I sent my mum a text to say we were home but I didn’t hear back which is unlike her.

We have cameras that record outside and in the hallway so I checked them to see when she left thinking maybe she had stayed longer and was still travelling home. The cameras showed my mum arriving with my step sister, her partner and 1 other person who we don’t know. I can see them all coming and going over 5 days. My mum leaves about 3 hours before the rest of them on the last day they’re here.

I do not get on with my step sister and haven’t spoken to her for years after a big fall out. My mum knows she will never be welcome in our home. I feel so angry and betrayed that my mum has lied to me and let them use our home.

Since checking the cameras, I’ve had a good look in each room. They’ve obviously used other rooms to sleep in and some of our toiletries have been used. I presume they’ve all had a good look around.

My mum still hasn’t answered my text, I’ve also called her and she isn’t answering. We are really angry that my mum has let other people stay here when we only agreed she could. Obviously I will speak to mum but how would you feel and react to this? My husband says we will need to change the locks and we’ll never trust them again, which at the moment I agree with. It’s my mum and I’m trying to think of good reasons she would have allowed this and think it’s okay but she knows I hate my SS so there really isn’t any good reason.

I second what everyone has said here OP that it probably wasn't the first time and if she truly thought it wouldn't be an issue then she would have mentioned it upfront.

Has she previously expressed disappointment in you about the estrangement with the other family members? Does she trivialise it or tell you to get over it? It seems she doesn't think its a big deal ...or shouldn't be.

Not really seeing how this is relevant. An actual hostage situation, it would be reasonable to take someone to a place you don’t have authority for, but then you tell the property owner and report to the police. Any other situation you just say, sorry, no. I don’t have any right to do that.

Mum. Child. Manipulative nasty child, kind mum. You don't see? That is very weird.

I see why someone who isn't very nice might give in to manipulation and screw one of their children over because it's easier than saying no to the other. I don't see how a mother worth the name would, at least, not on this sort of scale.

It's not her child though. It's op's step sister, not half sister, so the op is her only daughter.

You can't see that the mum might have been manipulated and is scared of the other (nasty) daughter and her partner (and friend who also stayed)? So now she doesn't know what to do because her other daughter is so upset and angry? I can't believe the mum would have done it without the 3 people manipulating her. And well if she did do it of her own volition, that's another matter.

Not her daughter though, it's her stepdaughter.

No they are both her daughters. But the daughters are step sisters. Different dads. That's what I interpreted it as anyway.

That would make them half-sisters, not step-sisters.

What do you mean by "manipulated" and "scared" here? Because I am having a very hard time imagining a situation where it would be appropriate to o take the group to OP's house instead of just saying "No." unless the sister and/or her partner and friend have done something illegal like threatened violence. And at that point you've got to be considering getting police involved.

No that's not how it works. If they shared a mother they'd be half sisters (and in practice most people would just say sister).

Stepsisters are not blood relations. OPs mother us the stepmother of OPs stepsister.

Yanbu. Your mum broken your trust and her response isn't great. Understand why you want to change the locks

Yes sorry you're right

Who knows what goes on behind closed doors?

The people involved. Like the mum who, if she was threatened to the extent it would have been dangerous to say no, could go to the police instead of facilitating the poor treatment of her daughter.

Yes sorry. So OPs mum is her biological mum. OPs mum is not the biological mum of SS. I got there in the end. That's even worse to me. Step Sister, nasty step sister, is not OPs mums biological child, Yet said step daughter / sister (and her partner and an other) has inveigled her way into her step mums' biological daughters' house. WTH. This is so bad and I really think ops mum has been bullied by step daughter. Possibly then to not piss off husband (SD biological dad).

She might also be scared of husband (SD dad). And anyway I don't think she would have been threated in an overt way, as if they were burglars. More in an abusive family way. It happens unfortunately.

So you think she is cowardly passing on abuse from her DH/DD/others in the family, to OP?

Are you the Step Sister?

You think I'm abusing OP's mum and forcing her to take me, my partner and our mate to OP's house?

Because I point out that passing on abuse from the people you live with to others is not excusable?

I'm failing to see your logic.

Ok bye.

This wasn't on the spur of the moment.
Your SS, partner and stranger did not turn up on a whim, knowing the situation between you.

It reads like the whole thing was planned behind your back: she asked if she could stay while you were away. She also misled you over what she was planning to do. I didn't see "Hosting three other people" in her list. They didn't treat your home with respect either which demonstrates their utter contempt for you.

If she had asked you if these 3 could stay with her while you were away, she knows you would have said no. All her excuses etc are to paint over this

This is awful. The trust is gone forever. Don’t give your mum a new key. I’d feel so violated by this, if anything you’re underreacting!

No then she would be her half sister - a step sister is not a blood relative.

This cannot be so out of the blue? Are you sure your mum has not made a habit of crossing boundaries but you did not pay so much attention as not impacted you? This is not normal behaviour from anybody unless they feel entitled or were coerced. Maybe take that route with her and say mum did they make you have them over to stay what on earth happened? Also odd that she left before them. She would have wanted to stay behind and clean the place up. Something more has happened here and the fact she is ignoring you. If you want to stay friendly you need to give her at least a chance to explain