AIBU to go no contact after in-laws booked holiday during dad’s illness?

[OneAquaHare]

Hi, I’d like some advice please as I have repeatedly been told for the past year that I am wrong and am being completely unreasonable about this and that nobody will think like me about this.

One important piece of background info about me: my mum died in an accident when I was 22. I was already in a relationship with my now husband when this happened, and I lived at his parents’ house in the aftermath, so all 3 of them witnessed the trauma I endured.

To the present issue. Last summer, my dad had a failed open heart surgery. He was in intensive care, in and out of a coma, for 3 months. He had to be resuscitated more than once. He had multiple procedures, developed sepsis and was put on dialysis because of organ failure. All of this happened at the opposite end of the country from me, so for the majority of it I was just waiting for updates to arrive on my phone from my sister or stepmum. He died in September 2025.

During August 2025, my parents-in-law approached my husband and told him they wanted to take us and and our children on a safari holiday in 2026. My husband told them he would have to talk to me about it, but because of my dad’s condition they would have to wait because I was in no fit state to have that conversation at that time. A couple of days later my in-laws booked the holiday for us anyway, without me or my husband consenting to it or even discussing anything further with them like possible dates/time off work/etc.

I said me and the kids wouldn’t be going because I believe it was a massive violation of boundaries and extremely manipulative and controlling to book a holiday for someone else’s minor children without even discussing it with them and obtaining their consent, and then try to guilt trip them into agreeing to it when you know they are in a situation that is already actively hurting them and traumatising them. My husband disagreed because it’s a holiday we could never afford ourselves and he wanted to keep his parents happy and go on it.

So the final days of my dad’s life were taken up by butting heads with my husband about a situation that I believe his parents were completely wrong to ever put us in, and that he should be putting a stop to and protecting me from so I could have space to grieve my dad, whilst he focused solely on how generous his parents were being and how it was an amazing opportunity for our kids. And it continued after my dad died. His parents refused to cancel the booking for 2 months after my dad died. My husband continued to try to persuade me to change my mind - I was even told I needed to give his parents a final answer about it (when I had already repeatedly said no for weeks) whilst I was still away from home for my dad’s funeral.

I have never felt so abandoned, let down and alone. I have repeatedly told my husband this but I get told that he was put in a difficult position and I have repeatedly been blamed for putting him in the middle. He hasn’t had any kind of confrontation or showdown with his parents about their behaviour - all 3 of them have repeatedly blamed me in various ways and made me saying no about something being wrong with me. He still denies, defends and minimises what he and his parents did. His parents haven’t apologised to me, and he has repeatedly told me not to expect an apology from them, that he won’t ask for one for me (I haven’t told him I expect that from him), and last night I was told that he doesn’t think his therapist even thinks I deserve an apology from his parents.

I have been no contact with his parents since last year, because the entire situation is so traumatising I have felt like I’m on the edge of a nervous breakdown at times. However I haven’t given him an ultimatum about his parents, or stopped him or the children from seeing them. For my own mental wellbeing I just can’t be around them when neither they nor my husband will acknowledge the harm their behaviour has caused, and my husband will continue to completely fail to protect me from his parents’ behaviour. However last night, he gave me the ultimatum that me being no contact with his parents was unacceptable to him and that it will cost me our marriage if it continues. And I was again told that I was wrong if I thought other people would think like me about the situation, and that my therapist only agrees with me because it’s their job to make me feel better.

So, am I really wrong about this and being completely unreasonable?

I don’t understand why anyone would vote that you are unreasonable. Because you aren’t - what a dick of a husband you have.

They are all wrong. You are right.

They aren’t your parents. They sound lovely, and they let you live with them previously. You sound very high needs, and they all probably need a break, so your dramatic no-contact will probably prove beneficial for you all.

I agree with @gettingolderbutcooler to be honest.

I think they were wrong to have booked it without waiting for your ok. That was wrong.

I think you've intertwined it so much with your dad's decline and death that you're blowing it out of proportion.

I deal with grief a lot differently to you though and so our reactions will be different.

That said, were their actions bad enough to warrant never speaking to them again? To put my own marriage at risk of failing because of the pressure of never speaking to them again? I genuinely can't see that they were.

They probably had to book to secure the dates, you were grieving and fully focussed on your dad. I think you should have got over it by now. It was a very generous offer and your kids would have had a holiday of a lifetime. No one was unreasonable, at the time your in laws didn't want you and your kids to miss out and pre-empted things assuming you were too distraught to make rational decisions at the time, which you probably were, I remember how I was when my mum died a total wreck. Time to reconcile.

Mm, I think you're right, but to me what they didn't wasn't enough to go no-contact, and not enough to end the marriage either. He won't come round to your way of thinking because they brought him up. So up to you - do you want to stay married?

Are the in laws generally alright, bar being a bit annoying? Are they generally nice people?

I do think your mental health issues mean this is causing you more trauma than it would anyone else, and although that's not your fault, it's not theirs either.

They are being a bit daft/stubborn to not just apologise to you.

I think the bigger problem here is your husband not the in laws.

it was unreasonable of them to book it when your husband had already told them to wait. It sound like the whole holiday thing is caught up in a tangled web of complex grief at what was clearly a traumatic time for you. I don’t think anyone should have been haranguing you over that. It is absolutely unacceptable to be giving you ultimatums over your marriage.

Your dad died last year. I am sorry for your loss.

Your ILs wanted to take you and your dh & dcs on a holiday of a life time, but you refused because you think they were being manipulative.

Perhaps they simply forsaw that losing your dad would be very traumatic and that by this summer you would all be in need of some lovely R&R.

You need to accept that either they meant no harm or they were trying to help in a slightly clumsy way. Certainly it is no reason to end your marriage.

Either way, it's been causing issues for a year. You need to draw a line under it. Life is too short to let someone's (perhaps badly handled) kindness sour a relationship.

There’s a lot of grief transference here. Your grief for your Dad has manifested into extreme anger towards your in laws (are you subconsciously angry they’re both still alive while your parents aren’t?). Anger is an easier emotion to deal with than grief so maybe that’s why you’re holding on to it so extremely.

They shouldn’t have booked the holiday I agree but going no contact for that is a bit OTT.

seek counselling for your grief.

I voted YABU.

I am sorry for the very traumatic time you have had and no doubt you are in a heightened state of emotion because of it. However, I still think you are being very dramatic and OTT.

Whilst it was a bit presumptuous of the PILs to book without checking dates I assume they thought with enough notice you could all arrange leave. Deciding your DH and DC can't have this wonderful chance of a holiday because you are in a strop does seem unreasonable.

As to going NC over it. No words!

I think yabu and your grief and previous trauma is clouding your judgement.

they booked a holiday for a year in advance not a month later your dads death. They tried to do a nice thing for your family. The fact you haven’t been able to let this go tells me that you are carrying huge amounts of trauma, and possibly resentment towards your dh and in-laws because they still have each other and you don’t have your parents.
you need to think - is this worth it? Do you want your children to grow up with no grandparents at all?

I think you overreacted but were obviously in a bad place. I think they were trying to do a nice thing, they were going to treat you to a holiday and didn’t have to do anything about planning it or financing it.

I think your inlaws and husband are being very unreasonable but in order for your husband to understand that you may have to go to relationship councilling together.
They made a terrible time for you all about them.
On the other hand all your rage and grief may be laser focused in on this issue so much so you feel like you can't move through it.

They were wrong to have booked it without your ok.

but this is a very minor wrong and I wouldn’t be going nc over this.

it’s obviously bound up in your dad’s illness

Sorry OP, I think you’ve blown a small thing into a huge thing and I think you were wrong to do that. Yes they should have asked first, but this is not something that should put you on the edge of a nervous breakdown…something else is causing that.

OP I agree that you need to separate the two things here. Do you feel your ILs acted out of malice or was it something like a misguided attempt at cheering you up?

Yes i think this too

They are wrong. Your husband is wrong for not protecting you Nat such an awful time. Your husband is wrong for now giving you an ultimatum.
Id be saying that if it’s costs me
my marriage then so be it -
to be fair it doesn’t sound like such a high cost after how your husband behaved. Honestly, pushing you to agree to a holiday you don’t want to go on while you’ve already said no and are grieving - the three of them behaved dreadfully.

I agree with PPs who feel you are struggling to separate two discrete events.

I think you are especially unreasonable to say your kids can't go on the holiday.

I imagine your PILs needed to book in advance to secure the dates and thought they were giving you a lovely thing to look forward to. I do think they should apologise for what you perceive as their insensitivity, though, and I think your husband should have insisted they do.

When is the trip?

Gently i think you need to accept that your in laws and to a lesser degree, your husband don't feel the same sense of loss and grief you do. They were looking ahead at a time when you were unable to do so. Thats not wrong from either one of you.

In a way i see both points. They were trying to do something for all of you to look forward to and help you in particular move on from your loss. That sounds harsh, but grief is a process and you need to work through it to a level of acceptance. As an example my mum died when I was 17 and it devastated me. That was 40 years ago. Yesterday I visited her sister in a care home, she has dementia. My aunt asked how my mum was and I told her she will be visiting at the weekend...i then shed a tear in the loo cos I wish it was true. But to make my aunt happy in her reality I lied. 20 years ago I wouldn't have been able to tell that lie....its been a long process for me. But i have lived a life in the way i hope my mum would be proud of.

But as Peter Kay says in Car Share, life doesn't stop because someone dies. Your pil may have been insensitive in booking a holiday then, but they were motivated by good reasons...giving an concept of a future to you and the kids following the loss of your father.

Grief is intensely personal and sometimes its hard to realise that other people aren't affected in the same way as you. My sil lost her husband 3 years ago and contrary to the truth, paints him as a model husband and talks about her grief constantly. Her mother lost her husband 8 years ago and immediately decided she had to get on with things and build a new life in her 90s.

I would be really annoyed if my ILs OR my parents booked a holiday for me and my kids without me agreeing to it in just totally normal times with no awful sadness dominating the moment.

I think, even if they think you are being unreasonable, that they should all be being gentler with you too. I would also be taking it as a sign of them not reciprocating my feelings for them (especially the dh obviously).

I don’t really understand why you’re so upset about them booking you a holiday. It wouldn’t have been a huge distraction from your dads death if you had just said ‘whatever i’m not in the frame of mind to think about it, but book it and we can talk about it when im not in the middle of this situation’.

From the title I thought they booked to go away while your father was unwell and I was ready to come on here and stick up for you. But all they did was presumptuously book something for a much later date and presumably because they thought it would be something nice for you after a very difficult and heartbreaking time. They let you live with them after your mother died, they clearly care about you. I think you are angry at the world and transferring it on to them. No contact is batshit.