AIBU to go no contact after in-laws booked holiday during dad’s illness?

[OneAquaHare]

Hi, I’d like some advice please as I have repeatedly been told for the past year that I am wrong and am being completely unreasonable about this and that nobody will think like me about this.

One important piece of background info about me: my mum died in an accident when I was 22. I was already in a relationship with my now husband when this happened, and I lived at his parents’ house in the aftermath, so all 3 of them witnessed the trauma I endured.

To the present issue. Last summer, my dad had a failed open heart surgery. He was in intensive care, in and out of a coma, for 3 months. He had to be resuscitated more than once. He had multiple procedures, developed sepsis and was put on dialysis because of organ failure. All of this happened at the opposite end of the country from me, so for the majority of it I was just waiting for updates to arrive on my phone from my sister or stepmum. He died in September 2025.

During August 2025, my parents-in-law approached my husband and told him they wanted to take us and and our children on a safari holiday in 2026. My husband told them he would have to talk to me about it, but because of my dad’s condition they would have to wait because I was in no fit state to have that conversation at that time. A couple of days later my in-laws booked the holiday for us anyway, without me or my husband consenting to it or even discussing anything further with them like possible dates/time off work/etc.

I said me and the kids wouldn’t be going because I believe it was a massive violation of boundaries and extremely manipulative and controlling to book a holiday for someone else’s minor children without even discussing it with them and obtaining their consent, and then try to guilt trip them into agreeing to it when you know they are in a situation that is already actively hurting them and traumatising them. My husband disagreed because it’s a holiday we could never afford ourselves and he wanted to keep his parents happy and go on it.

So the final days of my dad’s life were taken up by butting heads with my husband about a situation that I believe his parents were completely wrong to ever put us in, and that he should be putting a stop to and protecting me from so I could have space to grieve my dad, whilst he focused solely on how generous his parents were being and how it was an amazing opportunity for our kids. And it continued after my dad died. His parents refused to cancel the booking for 2 months after my dad died. My husband continued to try to persuade me to change my mind - I was even told I needed to give his parents a final answer about it (when I had already repeatedly said no for weeks) whilst I was still away from home for my dad’s funeral.

I have never felt so abandoned, let down and alone. I have repeatedly told my husband this but I get told that he was put in a difficult position and I have repeatedly been blamed for putting him in the middle. He hasn’t had any kind of confrontation or showdown with his parents about their behaviour - all 3 of them have repeatedly blamed me in various ways and made me saying no about something being wrong with me. He still denies, defends and minimises what he and his parents did. His parents haven’t apologised to me, and he has repeatedly told me not to expect an apology from them, that he won’t ask for one for me (I haven’t told him I expect that from him), and last night I was told that he doesn’t think his therapist even thinks I deserve an apology from his parents.

I have been no contact with his parents since last year, because the entire situation is so traumatising I have felt like I’m on the edge of a nervous breakdown at times. However I haven’t given him an ultimatum about his parents, or stopped him or the children from seeing them. For my own mental wellbeing I just can’t be around them when neither they nor my husband will acknowledge the harm their behaviour has caused, and my husband will continue to completely fail to protect me from his parents’ behaviour. However last night, he gave me the ultimatum that me being no contact with his parents was unacceptable to him and that it will cost me our marriage if it continues. And I was again told that I was wrong if I thought other people would think like me about the situation, and that my therapist only agrees with me because it’s their job to make me feel better.

So, am I really wrong about this and being completely unreasonable?

I agree with pps. Your dh sounds rather odd. Is he usually so tone-deaf?

Regardless of what they have done, your husband doesn’t have your back when you are at your most vulnerable. He needs to go; take him up on his offer, but make sure you and your children are okay financially and have a plan.

You paint it as being something done with pure malice. I mean if they really are doing it that way then they're awful.

But to me I would be more thinking it was bad timing.

It's not their fault your father was unwell. It's not reasonable that they should base everything they want to do with your family a year in advance on his illness. But I do agree they shouldn't have booked it without your consent.

I feel you could have simply declined if you didn't want to go but I wouldn't have stopped them taking my kids and husband. I'm sure their granddad who sadly died wouldn't have wanted his ill health to stop his grandkids having a special holiday.

I think you’re being unreasonable and I also think that despite what people say here you won’t agree with it.

They weren’t malicious, maybe a bit careless but not malicious. You need to decide if you can get over it, if the answers no then any repercussions such as divorce come alongside

OP, do you genuinely think that your IL’s booked it out of malice? To be nasty and spiteful?

Oooof. Op AIBU might not be kind to you.

Look, you feel the way you feel. And youre absolutely right that they could have just held back a bit and given you some space to deal with your dad's illness, death and funeral.

But do you want this to cost you your marriage? Because if you dont you need to start thinking about this differently and accept that while they were dicks about the timing the offer is generous and the holiday might be just what you all need.

If you cant do that, where do you go from here?

If you spilt from your husband him and the children will go on that holiday without you and all of your lives will be different as you deal with the split.

You refer to trauma and being on the edge of a nervous breakdown. This isn't only damaging for you, but also for your children.
I think you need to talk to your GP about this and see a counsellor. You and your DH should go to Relate, because the marriage is in deep trouble. It won't weather this storm.
I think you actually haven't come to terms with the death of your mother, and that's at the root and heart of this.

Sorry for your losses and finding yourself in this situation. A cruel way to learn that the world sadly doesn't stop when you're experiencing a bereavement. I think your ILs were inept but had pressure to book so as to secure the holiday and just didn't expect you to double down on the side of "No".

It's time to decide whether you want to continue your marriage.

Your Fathers period of ill health sounds turbulent and must have caused havoc to your mental health. You are without doubt still in the thick of grief and very angry about that period of time in your life.

Booking a once in a lifetime trip for your family, assuming all costs are covered, is not a crime. It’s likely that to secure ‘early bird’ deals they needed to sign on the line. The timing was poor, but intentions seemed well. Could you not check holidays with work within the 3 months? Did your husband want to go? Allow the kids to experience a safari?

I am close to my parents and siblings. If my husband went ‘no contact’ over something on this lever I know it would destroy my marriage. My family is everything to me, and my family is bigger than my husband alone. There is no way I could live completely separately from my wider family. For this reason, I can understand your husband handing out ultimatums.

I assume the holiday was cancelled as you wished and your children had husband aren’t going on the safari?

Sorry OP I think you’ve made a very big mountain out of a mole hill and now it’s probably going to cost you your marriage.

I think this is spot on. You’ve been through a lot. Had they booked the holiday a few months after, would you have had a different response do you think?

Your DH sounds stuck in the middle. While they went about things badly, I think sitting down and talking through things face to face would help. Tell them how you feel, explain that you could have done without the pressure of the holiday during that awful time. They were clumsy but this shouldn’t be a reason to stop contact. It must be exhausting for you to hold on to this.

I think your DH carries a lot of the blame here. From his behaviour afterwards, trying to persuade you to take the holiday, are you sure he didn’t tell them it would be fine to book the holiday and he would talk you around later? Why was he talking to you about the holiday the day after the funeral? What was your relationship like with the in-laws before this?
At the same time, if my partner went non-contact with my parents, I think it would put awful lot of strain on my marriage (particularly if they had been supportive in the past, and it was for booking a holiday that I and my kids would have loved to have gone on).
A joint counsellor is a good idea.

I grew up with one parent NC with my grandparents. They remained so.
I would say that in my experience,and my sibling's, it was damaging to be in that situation. It had the effect of chipping away and drip drip...I was aware of the ill feeling between my parent and GPs, and it caused problems between my parents which again I was aware of, and between my in contact parent and my aunt and uncle. Any get together were a problem. And so on... I fully understand the reasons for being NC but I am resentful of the upset caused.

I find many of the responses on here bizarre, but perhaps in keeping with the direction mumsnet seems to be heading sadly.
The idea that it is ok for anyone to book a holiday for another adult and their children without their agreement, indeed having been told directly that it was not appropriate is just ridiculous to me.
I have adult children and know that doing this to them would be a massive breaking of boundaries and demonstrate a huge lack of respect.
That is without additionally considering the situation with your late dad.
I would not only go no contact with the in laws, I would consider divorce. Your husband is not your friend or advocate here. I strongly suspect this scenario plays out in multiple areas of your life and that your feeling of approaching breakdown might be related. It's amazing how many 'mad' women become well again when they are free of their husband.

Your IL’s booked a holiday for a year after your dad’s death? What’s the problem with that? YABU.

I’m sorry for your loss but I’m not sure why you couldn’t just answer a simple yes or no to going on the holiday even in the midst of your dad dying.

You either want to take them up on a trip of a lifetime or you don’t. Considering it was a year away, there’s not much to think about surely? Or if there is, then you could have just said thanks but no thanks.

Going NC over this seems very silly. They tried to do a nice thing, they don’t sound evil. As PP’s have said, I think grief is clouding your judgment.

I am sorry for your loss but I do think that you are over-reacting and maybe projecting your grief and feeling of helplessness over your parents deaths on them.

They were trying to do something nice for you and your family. I admit their timing was awful but I think that your dh should have handled it all.

I think for the sake of your family you need to move on.

They booked a holiday of a lifetime for your family. The father of the children is in agreement with them going. They did a nice thing, the only error was wanting confirmation you were joining them so soon.
I think you are very unreasonable and I completely understand your DHs position, I wouldn't put up with you creating tension like this.
I'd recommend a new therapist.

I see this from a different perspective.

Why does the OP's husband want his insensitivity to cost him his marriage? Why are the OP's PILs willing for their lack of boundaries to cost them the family relationship?

If there was a sincere apology from the DH and the PILs, then I agree that the OP should try to find a way to move on. But to expect her to move on without that is unreasonable.

I’m really confused about why they didn’t just chat to your DH about it, and your DH just say ‘that sounds amazing and generous, and a great opportunity, OP isn’t up to me talking about it at the moment and making plans, so if you book there is a risk she might not feel up to coming, only book if you are ok with it just being me and the kids’ . Then he could have just brought it up with you later, when you were in a better space.

Everyone is different - having dealt with the deaths of my parents, I would have happily distracted myself by talking and thinking about holiday plans, and it wouldn’t have been an issue to check my schedule to make sure I hadn’t committed to a significant event like a sibling wedding when they were booking for. I doubt they understood that you weren’t able to focus on anything else in that moment. It sounds like your DH also gave some really conflicting messages

Also sounds like it has become way bigger than it needs to be. Someone paying for you and your children to go on a safari holiday is not an offence worth NC, even if there were some boundary issues. However, you aren’t unreasonable to have felt hurt and communicate that.

I feel like there's massive backstory here about their other behaviour. Your grief has made you over react. They have then completely failed in understanding and supporting you as well. If this is the only time they have over stepped then you are being hugely unreasonable but I'd bet it isn't.
Your husband is being a twat - even if you've over reacted (and it's ok to in these circumstances ) then it's his job to support and communicate through it. It sounds like I'm being harsh - however I have been in almost exactly your situation and so I know how grief clouds it all. I still haven't and never will forgive my MIL for making an argument 2 days after my mother's funeral while I was heavily pregnant. I was at my most vulnerable and she tried to drive a wedge between me and my husband trying to get him to prioritise her. (Do you think there may be an element of that here or am I projecting?)

@OneAquaHare you should have put this in relationships. You're getting some stick here and you already sound vulnerable.

Although tbh you get that in all chats now.

Hi, I started therapy to help me through all of this as soon as my dad had to be resuscitated the first time. I am fully aware of how my pre-existing trauma would come into play in this situation. My husband started his own therapy months after this entire situation with his parents began. His therapy has been repeatedly weaponised and used against me to tell me that everything my therapist has been trying to support me with is wrong, because my therapist hasn’t ‘fixed’ me and told me my husband is right about everything.

Like you, I have also been married for over 20 years. Whilst this is by far and away the most extreme example of my in-laws having a complete disregard for me and wildly overstepping boundaries, it is not the only example. This has been a repeated pattern of behaviour that has caused issues for our entire marriage because my husband won’t say anything to his parents ever, and I am not allowed to stand up for myself either because if my response upsets his mum she will give my husband the silent treatment for weeks and he will blame me for it. She does it to every single one of his siblings too. She refused to speak to one of her sons for months because she was so upset with him when his wife decided she wanted a divorce. There is so much more that is impossible to include in one post.

Your husband is the main problem here. He should have sided with you. He didn't. HE is the issue

I wouldn't put up with you creating tension like this.

It's a shame to let your son's FIL's death get in the way of a good holiday, right? DIL just needs to get with the picture and accept that it's her husband's family, not hers, who are the main event and everything will be grand.