AIBU to go no contact after in-laws booked holiday during dad’s illness?

[OneAquaHare]

Hi, I’d like some advice please as I have repeatedly been told for the past year that I am wrong and am being completely unreasonable about this and that nobody will think like me about this.

One important piece of background info about me: my mum died in an accident when I was 22. I was already in a relationship with my now husband when this happened, and I lived at his parents’ house in the aftermath, so all 3 of them witnessed the trauma I endured.

To the present issue. Last summer, my dad had a failed open heart surgery. He was in intensive care, in and out of a coma, for 3 months. He had to be resuscitated more than once. He had multiple procedures, developed sepsis and was put on dialysis because of organ failure. All of this happened at the opposite end of the country from me, so for the majority of it I was just waiting for updates to arrive on my phone from my sister or stepmum. He died in September 2025.

During August 2025, my parents-in-law approached my husband and told him they wanted to take us and and our children on a safari holiday in 2026. My husband told them he would have to talk to me about it, but because of my dad’s condition they would have to wait because I was in no fit state to have that conversation at that time. A couple of days later my in-laws booked the holiday for us anyway, without me or my husband consenting to it or even discussing anything further with them like possible dates/time off work/etc.

I said me and the kids wouldn’t be going because I believe it was a massive violation of boundaries and extremely manipulative and controlling to book a holiday for someone else’s minor children without even discussing it with them and obtaining their consent, and then try to guilt trip them into agreeing to it when you know they are in a situation that is already actively hurting them and traumatising them. My husband disagreed because it’s a holiday we could never afford ourselves and he wanted to keep his parents happy and go on it.

So the final days of my dad’s life were taken up by butting heads with my husband about a situation that I believe his parents were completely wrong to ever put us in, and that he should be putting a stop to and protecting me from so I could have space to grieve my dad, whilst he focused solely on how generous his parents were being and how it was an amazing opportunity for our kids. And it continued after my dad died. His parents refused to cancel the booking for 2 months after my dad died. My husband continued to try to persuade me to change my mind - I was even told I needed to give his parents a final answer about it (when I had already repeatedly said no for weeks) whilst I was still away from home for my dad’s funeral.

I have never felt so abandoned, let down and alone. I have repeatedly told my husband this but I get told that he was put in a difficult position and I have repeatedly been blamed for putting him in the middle. He hasn’t had any kind of confrontation or showdown with his parents about their behaviour - all 3 of them have repeatedly blamed me in various ways and made me saying no about something being wrong with me. He still denies, defends and minimises what he and his parents did. His parents haven’t apologised to me, and he has repeatedly told me not to expect an apology from them, that he won’t ask for one for me (I haven’t told him I expect that from him), and last night I was told that he doesn’t think his therapist even thinks I deserve an apology from his parents.

I have been no contact with his parents since last year, because the entire situation is so traumatising I have felt like I’m on the edge of a nervous breakdown at times. However I haven’t given him an ultimatum about his parents, or stopped him or the children from seeing them. For my own mental wellbeing I just can’t be around them when neither they nor my husband will acknowledge the harm their behaviour has caused, and my husband will continue to completely fail to protect me from his parents’ behaviour. However last night, he gave me the ultimatum that me being no contact with his parents was unacceptable to him and that it will cost me our marriage if it continues. And I was again told that I was wrong if I thought other people would think like me about the situation, and that my therapist only agrees with me because it’s their job to make me feel better.

So, am I really wrong about this and being completely unreasonable?

I wouldn’t like the weaponisation of his therapy sessions either OP.
Do you feel violated /manipulated by that too ?

It's really hard to know, since we haven't had long experience with your ILs and husband. It does sound like it wasn't handled that sensitively but I do wonder if they are coming from a place where the thought it would be helpful to you to get away and take the holiday? Good for your husband and children who went along with all this beside you?

I am not a stranger to traumatic loss. After a long journey with my child's health, I lost my teen a few years ago. One of the hardest things with grief and this sort of thing is that life just keeps moving on. It feels surreal to do things like go to the supermarket for groceries. All these people around you moving, oblivious to the huge shift that has happened in your world. Yet I was acutely aware that we had to keep moving forward, the children needed me to keep going and moving forward, making plans to keep us focused on something other than the pain. What experience of grief have your ILs been through? Is this maybe a place they are coming from and trying to be supportive, even if it was messy?

I do think you are over-reacting a bit but, like I said, having not lived with your ILs and husband for decades like you have, that could make things look different.

I think they are massively insensitive but TBH your husband sounds as bad. Why was he passing on those messages during the funeral rather than saying to his dad “@OneAquaHare is at her dad’s funeral and I am not going to bother her with this today. If you really need an answer today then it will have to be a no.”

I think though there might be a middle ground between ending the marriage. Whether you want to do this depends on a lot of other things. Do you work? Own your own home? Who would have custody of the kids? Do you want to lose your DH over this at this point in your life?

If on balance it is better to stay married then I would agree that he and the DC can go and see the kids and see if you could build up to very low contact/ superficial pleasantries with his parents- but make it clear that you will not be going on long holidays, weekends away, buying them gifts etc- that’s for him to manage. Realistically this is probably best for the kids too.

If the marriage is not great anyway and you can live on your own resources and co-parent amicably then I would walk away.

Instead of you and dh having separate therapists, I think it’s clear that whats needed is couples counselling. The two of you need help to fix your marriage and resolve all the hurt and anger.

I agree with many PP - you aren't really angry about the holiday, you're angry that your Dad died and his parents are alive and planning holidays with their grandchildren.

I was like this when my mum died - PIL made me so angry, but it was really just my grief redirected. The grief was so overwhelming and frightening that anger was easier.

Going NC with the only grandparents your children have isn't going to make the loss of your father any easier. It will just cause pain and distress for everyone - particularly your children, as they witness the rift.

I think it's time to let this go.

Your husband is the bigger problem. Why on earth would he share a message at funeral time, knowing that it would upset you? But then again, the apple doesn't fall far from the tree...
You really need an honest conversation with your in-laws where you say how difficult it was at the time and how badly you struggled. Just you and them. If you really can't resolve things (or if they refuse point blank to see your POV) then I think you'll have to take a step back from them. If that means your husband walks, so be it. He's hardly husband of the year material is he.

YANBU

I'm disgusted at some of the responses you've received on here.

I would feel exactly like you do in this situation. You have a massive DH problem here and to be honest, having read all of your comments @OneAquaHare I think this is divorce territory.

Get yourself out of this disgraceful, manipulative family, free yourself because they sound horrible.

I'm so sorry they put you through this at one of the worst times of your life, extremely insensitive, unsupportive and manipulative of them.

Your DH should be ashamed.

Yikes just read your update @OneAquaHare . YADNBU. She sounds unhinged. And dh is under her thumb. I'm so sorry.

Do you have anyone outside of those 3 to confide in? Good friends or SILS? Or any other family?

How old are your children OP?
Bet you just want a bit of bloody peace from these awful draining people (your lovely children excluded of course).

The main issue here is your DH. I do think your in laws are tone dead at best, I don't understand anyone who thinks arranging a holiday for someone who going through the loss of a parent is a good idea honestly. Are they both fortunate enough to still have their parents around and lack tact/emotional awareness?

However, your DH should not have been going to you about any of this. Once you said no it should have been dropped. Even if they didn't want to cancel just yet, they should have kept quiet and brought it up later when a bit of time had passed.

Imagine nothing was wrong with your dad and you weren't under any stress.

If you were offered this holiday would you have said yes or no?

If you would have said no. Then trying to get you to agree whilst you were down was obviously wrong.

But if they knew you would usually say yes to something like that. Booking it wasn't awful. Hassling you continually was

YANBU. They are all completely selfish and unsupportive of you.

The responses on here will always be skewed because “famileeeee” - so many people just can’t see how damaging this stuff is and expect you to just forgive, let it go, move on (let people trample all over you because they share either your or your partner’s DNA).

Have you suggested going to each others therapy? I wonder what would happen if they got to hear both sides from both of you? Pretty sure your therapist won’t be changing their mind, but his might!

PLEASE READ ALL OF OP'S POSTS.

This is exactly my response too

My god. Can I have them? I’d love to have such generous in laws, trying to do nice things to cheer me up when I’m at my lowest.
Manipulative? Controlling? By paying thousands of pounds to take you on a holiday? Are you for real????? Abandoned? I’m sorry for your loss (I’ve been there myself) but YOU chose to spend those final days arguing with your husband about something that wasn’t going to happen for another year anyway, not him.

I agree with PP that you sound extremely high needs and very hard work. Your poor in-laws. They can’t do right for doing wrong. Zero gratitude and any kindness or generosity is hurled back in their faces….. Grotesque

She does what you do then apart from you call it going no contact when it’s you but you call it the silent treatment when it’s your mother in law. You give them the silent treatment essentially don’t you ? I would have completely let the holiday situation go and worried about it much nearer the time. If it came to it your DH and kids could have gone and you could have stayed at home. ( they would have born the financial hit not you).

Well that last paragraph has completely changed my mind.

If they have form for doing this, irrespective of your father's death it comes across as manipulative and controlling. Add on the fact they booked it and expected your buy in over the period of your dad's passing and the funeral then YANBU.

That is poor behaviour and given the fact that its not the first time I think you need to consider whether you want to stay in your marriage very seriously

Have you read @OneAquaHare update?

I'm so sorry my love.
Firstly I think people are being really mean and that always hurts. (Even on here)
Secondly I'm so sorry about your husband. Where is his care and love for you here? Where is his priorities? For you? And what kind of man is willing to let go of his family without a fight for these reasons?
Whatever you decide I think there's huge amount more here and both continuing with the marriage (and fighting for it) a taking a break / ending it would both be reasonable.
Really, and kindly, I'm not sure this is about the holiday at all.

Absolutely this

They were insensitive to book at that particular time but I get that they were trying to book a holiday of a lifetime for your husband and you and the kids. Presumably no one went in the end so there will be disappointment all round? You were grieving your Dad and maybe transferring these feelings on to them overstepping even with good intentions. I am not sure any therapist will agree and validate your feelings or your husbands. That is not how counselling works.

I think you need to decide how much of a deal breaker this is but grief can do funny things to us all. You are sing this entirely from your perspective naturally enough. I think breaking your family up is an over the top reaction and your husband will have conflicting feelings balancing your reaction with you both rejecting his parents offer to give you the trip of a lifetime and your refusal to see them. An acknowledgement they might have made things worse for you coping with your bereavement while also battling them all over the holiday might help. Can they see your side at all? We’re they ok before all this? What is the state of play over the holiday now?

And sorry I see nothing here to suggest that the parents were coming from a good place. I think they knew @OneAquaHare was vulnerable and took advantage of this to get their own way and their son didn’t have the backbone to tell them to back off.

Plus honestly if things are like this now, it’s only going to get worse. Parents may well get ill, ratty, dementia, loss of inhibition as they get older and the OP will be bullied even more into letting them have their own way/ helping out. I think this needs dealing with now.

Yeah, this feels really twisted.

The whole point of therapy is to help you work through your own feelings, build autonomy, examine your own reactions and choices in life. Not to act as an echo chamber that you can then use to undermine someone else's autonomy.

I agree with this. As someone who is NC with their mother it blows my mind that someone would go NC over something like this. I mean while they were wrong to have booked you are massively overreacting. I went NC after being neglected, abused and abandoned as a child. I have complex PTSD pertaining to my childhood and when I got to figuring it all out as an adult i took the decision, not lightly, but equally not reactively in the immediate sense, to go NC.

You PIL while misguided perhaps are not monsters like my mother was. NC is extreme.

Before the update i would have strongly disagreed with you. But you are completely spot on.