AIBU to go no contact after in-laws booked holiday during dad’s illness?

[OneAquaHare]

Hi, I’d like some advice please as I have repeatedly been told for the past year that I am wrong and am being completely unreasonable about this and that nobody will think like me about this.

One important piece of background info about me: my mum died in an accident when I was 22. I was already in a relationship with my now husband when this happened, and I lived at his parents’ house in the aftermath, so all 3 of them witnessed the trauma I endured.

To the present issue. Last summer, my dad had a failed open heart surgery. He was in intensive care, in and out of a coma, for 3 months. He had to be resuscitated more than once. He had multiple procedures, developed sepsis and was put on dialysis because of organ failure. All of this happened at the opposite end of the country from me, so for the majority of it I was just waiting for updates to arrive on my phone from my sister or stepmum. He died in September 2025.

During August 2025, my parents-in-law approached my husband and told him they wanted to take us and and our children on a safari holiday in 2026. My husband told them he would have to talk to me about it, but because of my dad’s condition they would have to wait because I was in no fit state to have that conversation at that time. A couple of days later my in-laws booked the holiday for us anyway, without me or my husband consenting to it or even discussing anything further with them like possible dates/time off work/etc.

I said me and the kids wouldn’t be going because I believe it was a massive violation of boundaries and extremely manipulative and controlling to book a holiday for someone else’s minor children without even discussing it with them and obtaining their consent, and then try to guilt trip them into agreeing to it when you know they are in a situation that is already actively hurting them and traumatising them. My husband disagreed because it’s a holiday we could never afford ourselves and he wanted to keep his parents happy and go on it.

So the final days of my dad’s life were taken up by butting heads with my husband about a situation that I believe his parents were completely wrong to ever put us in, and that he should be putting a stop to and protecting me from so I could have space to grieve my dad, whilst he focused solely on how generous his parents were being and how it was an amazing opportunity for our kids. And it continued after my dad died. His parents refused to cancel the booking for 2 months after my dad died. My husband continued to try to persuade me to change my mind - I was even told I needed to give his parents a final answer about it (when I had already repeatedly said no for weeks) whilst I was still away from home for my dad’s funeral.

I have never felt so abandoned, let down and alone. I have repeatedly told my husband this but I get told that he was put in a difficult position and I have repeatedly been blamed for putting him in the middle. He hasn’t had any kind of confrontation or showdown with his parents about their behaviour - all 3 of them have repeatedly blamed me in various ways and made me saying no about something being wrong with me. He still denies, defends and minimises what he and his parents did. His parents haven’t apologised to me, and he has repeatedly told me not to expect an apology from them, that he won’t ask for one for me (I haven’t told him I expect that from him), and last night I was told that he doesn’t think his therapist even thinks I deserve an apology from his parents.

I have been no contact with his parents since last year, because the entire situation is so traumatising I have felt like I’m on the edge of a nervous breakdown at times. However I haven’t given him an ultimatum about his parents, or stopped him or the children from seeing them. For my own mental wellbeing I just can’t be around them when neither they nor my husband will acknowledge the harm their behaviour has caused, and my husband will continue to completely fail to protect me from his parents’ behaviour. However last night, he gave me the ultimatum that me being no contact with his parents was unacceptable to him and that it will cost me our marriage if it continues. And I was again told that I was wrong if I thought other people would think like me about the situation, and that my therapist only agrees with me because it’s their job to make me feel better.

So, am I really wrong about this and being completely unreasonable?

Yes - and I said as much to her above, two minutes after I posted this. I agree this is about a broader picture, and is a shift from what we were all answering at first.

The trip is one thing. The other details shift the focus.

No she isn’t.

I think you might need to try harder?

Well, I've never been on Tiktok so no idea about the "theraspeak".

Yes, there is a bigger picture, the OP was in the midst of an extremely upsetting and traumatic time in her life, and wasn't in the right headspace to consider the holiday.

There is nothing disproportionate about her behaviour, it's normal for many people to have a limit as to what they can have on their plate when going through a traumatic time. I'd absolutely be the same as OP.

Just because you and many others can just carry on with life like nothing has happened, doesn't make those of us who do suffer with grief have "disproportionate behaviour". If anything, it's incredibly insulting for all of the people on this thread to be so dismissive of OP's grief.

It's shocking the amount of heartless and callous individuals there are.

I was listening to a psychologist talking about how important it is for parents to apologise to their children when they have done something wrong. If the child never hears the parents say sorry they are conditioned into thinking that they are always the ones at fault. It is a very unhealthy pattern to see an apology as a weakness, as opposed to a seeing it as a sign of self reflection, acknowledgement of another person's feeling and growth.. So if this has played out throughout his life, the husband is so used to seeing the parents as right he cannot invoke his own way of autonomous thinking, its totally alien to him. And he therefore will always acqueisce to them unless he seeks honest therapy. So the OP is dealing with this unhealthy dynamic and she has had enough because her husband has not had her back, and now he is stepping forwards with this unedifying ultimatum to make sure the OP falls into line. How dare he do this? I think the marriage is doomed. I could not get over this.

This is bullshit. OP is in a country where the consent of both parents is required both for the children to leave the country, and to travel to South Africa. The fact that her PiL booked it without her consent suggests that they were confident their son would consent and would talk OP round. That’s coercive control.

From the in laws? Hopefully.

How on earth are the in laws victims? They still speak to their son, they still speak to their grand kids. They lost money on a holiday that they were told to wait before booking, that is entirely their fault

Sorry if I missed this, May I ask if ultimately your H & kids went on this holiday ?

Sorry - I put this info in one of my replies, not my OP, so it might not be clear.

My PIL have 3 homes in 3 different countries. They move between them constantly, and have done for the entirety of my children’s lives. My children have never experienced having grandma and grandad there for every Christmas, birthday, etc. They decide on their own schedule and we just see them when we see them. Which is absolutely fine - it’s their right to decide where they want to spend their time and it’s never been a source of friction between us. They just message my husband a couple of days before they are coming back to the place we live, and then he takes the kids over for tea at the weekend. Sometimes they only stay for a couple of weeks, sometimes a few months. It’s just how it’s been since my husband and his siblings all left home.

There are a lot of cruel posts on this thread but this takes the biscuit.

I think there are quite a few overstepping in laws on this thread and also many people who worship money.

That feels like quite the drip feed. What are your PIL doing to you in front of the kids? Even their queries about the holiday were by text and email to your husband. So what have they been doing?

It takes two to tango doesn't it?

Have the Inlaws thought about the impact of their behaviour which led to OP going no contact?
Have they done anything about it, except tell the DH they will never apologise, and blame OP for everything?
As I said before, if they care that much about their GCs happiness... maybe they'd be taking steps to meet halfway way and resolve the situation.

Why is this cruel? They booked it and accepted the risks. They haven’t, as far as OP has said, ever given her any grief for not going or them losing their money.

Meanwhile OP is causing huge amounts of angst by going no contact with her in laws of decades over a misguided attempt to do something nice!

Too many on Mumsnet so quick to label everything coercive control!! They booked it likely thinking that once she had come out of the other side of her worst grief it would be a nice thing. Maybe they thought she would change her mind. That’s not coercive control and there’s NOTHING to suggest they tried to force it except they asked her husband her final answer a couple of times before cancelling what was likely a hugely expensive holiday!!

I do not live in the UK. I told you in my response that you do, in fact, need the consent of all people with parental responsibility to book travel for minor children where I live.

And the fact that you seem to think consent only applies to sexual crimes shows that you really don’t understand what the word means or the variety of contexts it is perfectly acceptable and common to use it in.

The disproportionate behaviour is carrying it on now and wanting to never speak to them again! Not having limited capacity when she is grieving, obviously.

Ok, you continue ruining your own life and marriage and I’ll leave to it. You will never see even with 2/3 of people against you that you over reacted so what’s the point 😳

But the OP is the one who is escalating it out of proportion. You can just let things go you know.

Both parents’ consent are needed for the children to be taken out of OP’s country as well as to visit South Africa. PiL didn’t even have the consent of one parent when they booked it without a second thought to the fact that OP had said no. They were confident that their son would consent and that they would all talk OP round. Of course it’s coercive control. PiL weren’t interested in how OP felt or what she wanted, they just wanted the holiday. Very telling that they went alone when OP stuck to her guns.

I don't think it is disproportionate behaviour as there has never been a resolution to this and in fact her DH has been emotionally abusing his wife with his counsellor's apparent opinion that she is apparently wrong.

This has went on for a year because of how her DH has been treating her over it, emotionally abusing her.

Absolutely not disproportionate behaviour from OP in my view.

The poor woman has been bullied and ground down by this emotionally abusive family for 30 years. She's clearly had enough and at the end of her tether, and I don't blame her one bit.

Do you always suggest that people who are being abused "just let things go"?

This family have emotionally abused and bullied this woman for 30 years, but according to you and many others, she should just "let it go".

Honestly, I really feel for this woman.

Except we don't know if she's been 'accused and bullied' for 30 years. All we know is seemingly the worst instance of this is the in laws being presumptive and insensitive by booking a holiday for them the following year. We have no details on the other apparent indiscretions, but if that was the worst, they may be very very mild indeed. Or not, but we aren't told.

You are totally determined. The impact on your marriage and children is not at the forefront of your mind.

I’m sorry that you’ve lost your parents, but I’m also sorry that it sounds like you’re going to blow your own children’s lives apart over this, as it reads like divorce is now your only resolution.

This is no more the OP's fault than if her husband had cheated. He is presenting her with an ultimatum that she must acquiesce to, despite being fully aware of the reasonable stance she has taken, after being trampled all over by this family. She does not have her parents to stick up for her, she is totally outnumbered by this bunch of three and their weird dynamic. This is a very unhealthy and abusive pattern, she is having to sacrifice her own feelings and boundaries to these horrible people. This is just victim blaming, her husband should have her back.