AIBU to go no contact after in-laws booked holiday during dad’s illness?

[OneAquaHare]

Hi, I’d like some advice please as I have repeatedly been told for the past year that I am wrong and am being completely unreasonable about this and that nobody will think like me about this.

One important piece of background info about me: my mum died in an accident when I was 22. I was already in a relationship with my now husband when this happened, and I lived at his parents’ house in the aftermath, so all 3 of them witnessed the trauma I endured.

To the present issue. Last summer, my dad had a failed open heart surgery. He was in intensive care, in and out of a coma, for 3 months. He had to be resuscitated more than once. He had multiple procedures, developed sepsis and was put on dialysis because of organ failure. All of this happened at the opposite end of the country from me, so for the majority of it I was just waiting for updates to arrive on my phone from my sister or stepmum. He died in September 2025.

During August 2025, my parents-in-law approached my husband and told him they wanted to take us and and our children on a safari holiday in 2026. My husband told them he would have to talk to me about it, but because of my dad’s condition they would have to wait because I was in no fit state to have that conversation at that time. A couple of days later my in-laws booked the holiday for us anyway, without me or my husband consenting to it or even discussing anything further with them like possible dates/time off work/etc.

I said me and the kids wouldn’t be going because I believe it was a massive violation of boundaries and extremely manipulative and controlling to book a holiday for someone else’s minor children without even discussing it with them and obtaining their consent, and then try to guilt trip them into agreeing to it when you know they are in a situation that is already actively hurting them and traumatising them. My husband disagreed because it’s a holiday we could never afford ourselves and he wanted to keep his parents happy and go on it.

So the final days of my dad’s life were taken up by butting heads with my husband about a situation that I believe his parents were completely wrong to ever put us in, and that he should be putting a stop to and protecting me from so I could have space to grieve my dad, whilst he focused solely on how generous his parents were being and how it was an amazing opportunity for our kids. And it continued after my dad died. His parents refused to cancel the booking for 2 months after my dad died. My husband continued to try to persuade me to change my mind - I was even told I needed to give his parents a final answer about it (when I had already repeatedly said no for weeks) whilst I was still away from home for my dad’s funeral.

I have never felt so abandoned, let down and alone. I have repeatedly told my husband this but I get told that he was put in a difficult position and I have repeatedly been blamed for putting him in the middle. He hasn’t had any kind of confrontation or showdown with his parents about their behaviour - all 3 of them have repeatedly blamed me in various ways and made me saying no about something being wrong with me. He still denies, defends and minimises what he and his parents did. His parents haven’t apologised to me, and he has repeatedly told me not to expect an apology from them, that he won’t ask for one for me (I haven’t told him I expect that from him), and last night I was told that he doesn’t think his therapist even thinks I deserve an apology from his parents.

I have been no contact with his parents since last year, because the entire situation is so traumatising I have felt like I’m on the edge of a nervous breakdown at times. However I haven’t given him an ultimatum about his parents, or stopped him or the children from seeing them. For my own mental wellbeing I just can’t be around them when neither they nor my husband will acknowledge the harm their behaviour has caused, and my husband will continue to completely fail to protect me from his parents’ behaviour. However last night, he gave me the ultimatum that me being no contact with his parents was unacceptable to him and that it will cost me our marriage if it continues. And I was again told that I was wrong if I thought other people would think like me about the situation, and that my therapist only agrees with me because it’s their job to make me feel better.

So, am I really wrong about this and being completely unreasonable?

It was really silly of them to book the holiday on multiple levels, but that's really the extent of it.

I agree with all the pp, your grief and anger at your parents passing has found an inappropriate outlet.

Time to make peace.

But who told you they needed the answer?

I'm sorry but I think this has been handled really badly, likely due to the extreme stress you were under at the time. It sounds like they have shown you a lot of kindness and were still only trying to be generous, yet on this occasion it's not landed as they intended. They were likely trying to take the pressure off by booking it anyway and hoped it would be something for you all to look forward to. They missed the mark but it sounds well intended. I'm assuming they didn't cancel after discussing with their son, and hoped in time your perspective would change.

Don't carry this hurt with you, draw a line under it.

I’m sorry about your dad.

I originally thought they were trying to book the holiday for when your dad was dying- I think a year in advance is fine. However your husband should have stepped in on all communication on the matter and advocated for you- from what you’ve written here, he is the problem and not your in-laws.

OP, how are your dcs coping with all of this?

They must have sensed that you and your dh are at odds, that you are simmering with anger, that the relationship with their grandparents is in trouble. And now a risk they may watch their parents divorce.....all over a stupid holiday booking.

It can't be much fun for them. You and your dh need to find a way to get past it.

In this scenario, yes, I would. How dare they. OP was stressed and grief stricken and needed time. They had NO right.

You had been under considerable stress- and stress from which you couldn't escape. That lack of control feeling is awful- and for someone else to take away a choice around something as simple as a holiday, when focused on your father, was insensitive. They should have backed off.

So, I'm guessing you link the holiday to your dad's death.

They want you to get over it. You want that control back. Conceding at this point makes you think you have lost and that they aren't listening.

I can see why you feel aggrieved. It was bad timing (but maybe with good intentions?).

I think at this point you will have trouble reframing. They need to listen and acknowledge.

Tbh what they should have said was 'we would like to do X for you. It's too much to decide on right now. We will book to secure prices and can then make a final decision in X months time and cancel. Forget about this now- it's not important. You are your father are. ' or simply not said anything at all until a final decision was required.

Hi OP, I’m sorry but I think you’ve intertwined the awful loss of your father and this situation. I think your ILs intentions were of kindness but perhaps they didn’t handle it well at the time. I think it’s been blown completely out of proportion and you’re jeopardising your marriage over this.

your husband is in therapy, are you? Perhaps that would be a good place to get it all out and have a refresh.

i also say this as someone who is low contact with my own MIL. This is after almost 20 years of horrid behaviour towards me and DH. I wouldn’t got NC for your situation.

So the final days of my dad’s life were taken up by butting heads with my husband about a situation
why the fuck was he even talking to you about it at that time?!

I have repeatedly been blamed for putting him in the middle.
He put himself in the middle - should have been united with you!

he doesn’t think his therapist even thinks I deserve an apology from his parents.
can you do a joint session and ask them directly having explained your side??

He gave me the ultimatum that me being no contact with his parents was unacceptable to him and that it will cost me our marriage if it continues.
That is very manipulative

And I was again told that I was wrong if I thought other people would think like me about the situation, and that my therapist only agrees with me because it’s their job to make me feel better.

Well perhaps see a joint counsellor and let them help you thrash it out

My husband, who had been messaged by his dad while we were away for my dad’s funeral to tell him they needed an answer.

Were the insensitive- hugely! Should they have booked it at this point - definitely not!

HOWEVER - you are going to end up a single parent with (I’m assuming) very little family support. It’s worth sitting with the in laws, explaining the feelings and trying to move forward and enjoy a nice holiday. Your husband is in a very difficult situation otherwise and the anger from you is probably partly to do with your fathers death and not them

@OneAquaHare I would sit in a room with them and tell them how it made you feel. Have a mediator present so they don't talk over you.

Do you love your husband? I get you may not like his behaviour but can you envisage life alone shared care with dcs?

Your PIL are obviously decent people. They had no issue having the grieving girlfriend of their son living with them for 3 months. They obviously could see how distraught you were at the time and have been concerned enough about you when your dad was dying that they thought they would give you something to look forward to and maybe help you through the grief but no, you have chosen to make a huge deal out of it and take it as a personal insult. Maybe that is how you see things with your MH issues or maybe you just love drama or being centre of attention.
You have dragged this out for a year and put your Husband and children in an awkward position( and lost your children a fabulous holiday. I really hope they never knew about the holiday) Frankly i think your husband is right and the situation can't continue.

They should not have bothered you about it while you were dealing with your dad's illness and death, and should not have booked without your agreement. I can understand your anger. They took up precious headspace when your dad was still alive and you were trying to process and deal with everything having an argument about a holiday. Even if you had ultimately agreed to go, the holiday would have been completely tainted for me with bitterness over their lack of consideration in forcing the issue on you at a time when you weren't ready to look forward or think of the future. Yes, they might not be as affected by grief as you were, but there was no need for them to slap this in your face like a wet fish. Why would you want to hear that they were healthy, well and thinking about their next holiday at a time when you were facing the prospect of never being able to have a simple conversation or cup of tea with your dad again?

I can see that it's hard for you to move on when none of them have acknowledged how their actions made you feel, but have sought to paint you as deeply unreasonable and irrational instead. I'm generally not given to holding grudges and usually find it quite easy to forgive, but I'd struggle to forgive any of them after your husband's gaslighting you by telling you even his therapist thinks you're bonkers. I'd really struggle with that behaviour.

Yes, often grief is unreasonable and irrational. Personally, I don't think you were being unreasonable or irrational in refusing to discuss a holiday while your father was dying, but even if you were, it's not exactly the worst thing in the world and consideration for your grief should have trumped insensitively foisting an unwanted holiday on you.

Why did they need an answer if they were refusing to cancel anyway 😅

Did they send you a card or flowers or anything?

I think that depends. I know I’ve reserved hotel rooms for certain family members without asking them. It was for a family wedding, the hotel had only a few rooms still unbooked and I couldn’t contact my siblings. The rooms could easily be cancelled later.
So sometimes people do book ‘just in case’ with the aim of sorting things out later.

DSis booked a holiday for my family without asking first because she thought we’d love it. We did.

So it’s entirely possible OP thinks like you and her ILs are more like my family and there’s just a clash.

I do agree that the whole thing was handled badly. In general when someone is going through something distressing a good person doesn't add further stress to the person.

I honestly think you are blaming the wrong people - you don’t know what conversations were had between his parents and your Husband and what he was telling them.

he should never have even raised it with you and he is the one who should be apologising

it does feel a bit like you are sub consciously punishing them for still being alive tbh

Your husband is a dick. He hasn't supported you and had allowed his parents to bully you.

I'd tell the lot of them to fuck off.

Then ultimately it’s your husbands fault not theirs.

Were they supportive when you moved in after your Mum died?

Yeah, tbh I'd struggle even to look at anyone again if they'd discussed safari holidays at my dad's funeral.

No idea why so many people think YABU.

I wonder how people have voted, for some to consider you unreasonable. YANBU.

Unless they have always been horrible people, I do think no contact as a first step is a little extreme (but, of course, you can decided to stop interacting with someone for any reason you choose; you don't owe anyone a justification). However, I don't think you are being unreasonable to be upset at their behaviour or to say no to the holiday.

While your father was dying, they asked your DH about a future holiday. Your DH specifically told them NOT to book anything, as it required a family discussion, which you were in no fit state to have (understandably). His parents ignored him and booked it anyway. Your DH seemed to forget his previous show of support in his excitement at getting a free holiday, and now won't stand up for you. Whilst at your father's FUNERAL, he badgered you to agree with him about the holiday, despite the fact you had already said no.

How anyone can read that and think you are being unreasonable is beyond me. I would be so upset and feel so alone. I am really sorry about your dad, and that you have such a twat of a husband. I hope you have supportive friends around in in real life.

It sounds like everyone has overreacted massively. To the point of threatening marriage dissolution when you have small children, whose lives would be forever ruined. It’s sad that neither parent seems to be putting their emotional needs first. For their sake, you might need to move past this. Though the fact that it’s your husband who’s threatening the divorce is not good. Can you get joint therapy to talk through this with help?

Yeah that's not on.

Husband should have made the call- and if he was unsure, he should have said cancel.

Way to much going on and no one needs that kind of trivial fluff rising up to demand a decision there and then.

This is a DH problem too.