AIBU to go no contact after in-laws booked holiday during dad’s illness?

[OneAquaHare]

Hi, I’d like some advice please as I have repeatedly been told for the past year that I am wrong and am being completely unreasonable about this and that nobody will think like me about this.

One important piece of background info about me: my mum died in an accident when I was 22. I was already in a relationship with my now husband when this happened, and I lived at his parents’ house in the aftermath, so all 3 of them witnessed the trauma I endured.

To the present issue. Last summer, my dad had a failed open heart surgery. He was in intensive care, in and out of a coma, for 3 months. He had to be resuscitated more than once. He had multiple procedures, developed sepsis and was put on dialysis because of organ failure. All of this happened at the opposite end of the country from me, so for the majority of it I was just waiting for updates to arrive on my phone from my sister or stepmum. He died in September 2025.

During August 2025, my parents-in-law approached my husband and told him they wanted to take us and and our children on a safari holiday in 2026. My husband told them he would have to talk to me about it, but because of my dad’s condition they would have to wait because I was in no fit state to have that conversation at that time. A couple of days later my in-laws booked the holiday for us anyway, without me or my husband consenting to it or even discussing anything further with them like possible dates/time off work/etc.

I said me and the kids wouldn’t be going because I believe it was a massive violation of boundaries and extremely manipulative and controlling to book a holiday for someone else’s minor children without even discussing it with them and obtaining their consent, and then try to guilt trip them into agreeing to it when you know they are in a situation that is already actively hurting them and traumatising them. My husband disagreed because it’s a holiday we could never afford ourselves and he wanted to keep his parents happy and go on it.

So the final days of my dad’s life were taken up by butting heads with my husband about a situation that I believe his parents were completely wrong to ever put us in, and that he should be putting a stop to and protecting me from so I could have space to grieve my dad, whilst he focused solely on how generous his parents were being and how it was an amazing opportunity for our kids. And it continued after my dad died. His parents refused to cancel the booking for 2 months after my dad died. My husband continued to try to persuade me to change my mind - I was even told I needed to give his parents a final answer about it (when I had already repeatedly said no for weeks) whilst I was still away from home for my dad’s funeral.

I have never felt so abandoned, let down and alone. I have repeatedly told my husband this but I get told that he was put in a difficult position and I have repeatedly been blamed for putting him in the middle. He hasn’t had any kind of confrontation or showdown with his parents about their behaviour - all 3 of them have repeatedly blamed me in various ways and made me saying no about something being wrong with me. He still denies, defends and minimises what he and his parents did. His parents haven’t apologised to me, and he has repeatedly told me not to expect an apology from them, that he won’t ask for one for me (I haven’t told him I expect that from him), and last night I was told that he doesn’t think his therapist even thinks I deserve an apology from his parents.

I have been no contact with his parents since last year, because the entire situation is so traumatising I have felt like I’m on the edge of a nervous breakdown at times. However I haven’t given him an ultimatum about his parents, or stopped him or the children from seeing them. For my own mental wellbeing I just can’t be around them when neither they nor my husband will acknowledge the harm their behaviour has caused, and my husband will continue to completely fail to protect me from his parents’ behaviour. However last night, he gave me the ultimatum that me being no contact with his parents was unacceptable to him and that it will cost me our marriage if it continues. And I was again told that I was wrong if I thought other people would think like me about the situation, and that my therapist only agrees with me because it’s their job to make me feel better.

So, am I really wrong about this and being completely unreasonable?

How dare he blackmail you into a relationship with his parents by threatening divorce. I’d take the divorce. He sounds fucking awful. Take the decision out of his hands and see a lawyer this week. I don’t understand the voting at all. You’ve made a perfectly valid and reasonable decision to pull back from his family who’ve hurt you, one posters on here would usually support. Them letting you live with them many years ago for a few months is completely irrelevant!

I think this one scenario has become the holding place for all your grief and stress.

I understand they might have gone ahead and booked because they wanted to secure dates or a discount or whatever, but they shouldnt have been bothering you with that while your dad was in his final days - that could have waited, you and DH could have decided then whether the dates worked for you or not, and if jot the dates moved or holiday cancelled - no drama.

what I dont understand is, after they booked it, why there needed to be an urgent conversation about it? and why that was such a big deal? surely at that point it's "not now I'm busy, we can discuss it in a month or so" and end of story?

I'm sorry about your dad.

My DC's could be promised the best safari holiday of all time, but if someone booked it for them without my express permission, they wouldnt be going. I parent my children, no - one else gets to do that.

I think the grief / anger replies are overly complicating things. They booked this without your permission as it suited them to do so.

Sorry OP YABVU, ILs were annoying/wrong to book unconfirmed dates but as your dad was ill for 3 months it's not like it all happened over 3 days and they suddenly bought it up then, they booked something over the summer, your dad being unwell was a long ish term thing (very sorry to hear about his death).

It does seem a bit that your ILs are the outlet that you channel your anger over your parents' death and it's unfair on DH to do so. I think you do need more therapy and hope you get the help you need

I could possibly understand your anger if they had booked the holiday for the end of 2025 but the holiday wasn’t until the next year.

Firstly I'm so sorry for both your losses. You really needed, and still need, your husband's full support through that so I completely understand why you're hurt.

I think it was good that your husband told them you weren't in a place to make a decision at first. Then they booked it - not ideal but maybe the deal they'd seen was about to run out, and they could always cancel/move it later? So not great but fine, you could still put it out of your mind.

I think you blew up unreasonably - I don't agree that they were necessarily being controlling or manipulative, unless there's a big back story - but it's also understandable that you did, because you weren't really thinking clearly.

At that point I think it was on everyone else to back off and leave it. It was booked, there was still another year to go until the actual holiday, there was loads of time to discuss it. Your husband shouldn't have been trying to change your mind at that point - he should have just repeated to his parents that you would address it at a later date.

Because he didn't do that, it seems like you felt more and more frustrated and dug your heels in about not going - again understandable, but possibly not what you would have really wanted, if things were more pleasant (I.e. would you have wanted to go)?

There's no way of salvaging the holiday now but if you want to salvage the relationship, you all need to get in a room and talk, calmly, about the above and the feelings that caused all this. It's all very well your husband giving you an ultimatum but he needs to acknowledge how he fanned the flames.

You mention individual therapy for yourself and husband - do you (or would you) do couples therapy, and then maybe group mediation with his parents?

They are massively unreasonable. They had NO right to book a holiday without your consent.

Once some time had passed and you were feeling a little stronger, it would have been a much better time for them to offer a holiday. Your husband is stuck between a rock and a hard place but I’m disgusted that he can’t see your point, and offer you some support, whilst trying to mend the relationship between you all.

I am in shock at how many women on here are in full support of the inlaws?! You DO NOT book a holiday on behalf of someone else without consent. I’d go nuclear.

I think people are missing the fact that her DH told them her dad was in the midst of dying and they waited all of three days and went ahead anyway?!

If they asked and she kept them waiting months I would get it. But three days?! Shows they are selfish at heart despite people saying it’s “a kind gesture”. No. If it was truly kind and not about their wants/showing off whatever, they could have waited a couple of weeks.

They should have focussed on how they could actually support OP and her DH not just their big fancy holiday. I’m sure waiting a month wouldn’t have made too big a difference seeing as the holiday is well in advance.

Agree.

You sound extremely angry. Your husband is right that if you don’t put this behind you it will ruin your marriage. You have cut off his parents because they wanted to gift you a holiday of a lifetime. They may not have handled things in a sensitive manner but hanging onto your anger about what has already happened isn’t helping you.

Grief is hugely distressing and difficult for everyone to navigate. They got things wrong but is that worthy of never speaking to them again?

Their timing was dreadful.
I can’t believe your DH wants to turn this into an ultimatum.
I can see why you are sore. I don’t think it’s enough to blow a marriage up for necessarily.

I think you overreacted massively.

Really ? You’d go nuclear if someone booked a holiday without your consent ? I’d question why they did so without asking and make sure they realised it’s their fault if they lose the money if I can’t won’t go. But nuclear ? Come on

I think the issue is that DH said “now isn’t a good time” and they couldn’t wait longer than a few days.

Some of us have dates at work we know about a year in advance so I would definitely need to check my calendar. If my parent was dying it maybe wouldn’t be top of my list that week.

Them booking regardless shows they didn’t really care if OP goes or not.

It's a holiday not plastic surgery. The op doesn't tell us if they're regularly going on holiday with the pil or not.

Remember this holiday is also over a year away. They clearly know the op well and have also clearly done a lot for her in the past.

Yes they shouldn't have booked it, but to blow up a marriage over a well intentioned by stupidity done act is a bit extreme

After my father died unexpectedly, I spent 6 months hating that it was my father that had died and not my FIL. My poor FIL was in a care home by this stage, semi blind and with dementia. I never told anyone how I felt and after 6 months the anger and resentment to him passed and I was able to help my husband with visiting his father and his general care. I never told my husband how I felt thank goodness. I was genuinely sad when my FIL died a few years later.
I am trying to say, that your feelings are topsy turvey because of grief. Give it time and your resentment will pass. Don't end your marriage while you are still suffering from grief. Just warn them that you will be quiet and that you will need time away from everyone while you are on holiday. Don't create a huge schism that you might regret in the future.

i don't understand why people are saying they were wrong for booking the holdiay more than 12 months away when they KNEW she hadnt been able to commit. Surely at that point they know that there's a risk that it might not suit and they might need to cancel, that's a risk they are taking.

I'm sorry, I understand that you are grieving and I'm sorry for your loss. But you are blowing this massively out of proportion. People are not perfect, your in-laws sound like they were trying to do a nice thing for you, People can do the wrong thing for the right reasons.
If your relationship with your husband has actually descended into a battle between his therapist said vs what your therapist said, I think he has a point and maybe the marriage is over. If you are not prepared to listen to them, you've admitted you decided to go NC, then you will never reach a resolution and everyone will need to walk on eggshells, and sounds like husband doesn't want to do this any longer.

I’m sorry about your Dad. It comes to us all I’m afraid. ( I speak as someone whose Dad died when I was 27).
I think your in-laws thought they were doing a nice thing and you are mean to deprive your kids of a safari holiday.

The whole thing is a mess.

Their timing was off but presumably they were tight on having to book by X date. I suspect thry got the impression it would be a yes from DH once he'd spoken to you.

They shouldn't have booked without confirming, but it was an incredibly generous offer, and may well have been them thinking you deserved a break after what an awful time you'd been through.

Once it was booked, who kept pushing the discussion? I don't understand why it couldn't wait until after your Dad had died and you were home?

I do think you've made the kids miss an incredible opportunity because you want to be right. You didn't have to go, but stopping DH and the kids going becks YOU decided they didn't ask at the right tien seems incredibly unfair.

Apart from this, how have they treated you?

The argument that it was so far ahead goes both ways though. Her DH said “now isn’t a good time” and they couldn’t wait longer than a few days.

I would definitely need to check my calendar with work. If my parent was dying however, it maybe wouldn’t be top of my list that week to check 🤯

Them going ahead booking regardless shows they didn’t really care if OP goes or not. I’m sure they had plenty of time to still book as it was that far ahead?!

Agreed.

That’s the problem. I could have understood it as an error of judgement if they had backed off until I was ready to talk about it after my dad died. But they didn’t do that. The weeks after my dad died it just didn’t stop. The day after my dad’s funeral I was told they needed a final answer on it so they didn’t lose their deposit. That’s where their behaviour truly crossed the line for me and became something so much more serious and damaging to our ongoing relationship. And they have not once said sorry for any of it.

I don’t actually think the in laws did anything particularly wrong.

your DH shouldn’t have discussed any of it with you and made the decision himself (I wouldn’t mind if my DH had arranged a holiday 12 months out when I don’t have the brain space to think about it). So to me this is more of a DH problem

i also think you are transferring the anger you are feeling in your grief to them and that might be worth talking to a therapist about