AIBU to go no contact after in-laws booked holiday during dad’s illness?

[OneAquaHare]

Hi, I’d like some advice please as I have repeatedly been told for the past year that I am wrong and am being completely unreasonable about this and that nobody will think like me about this.

One important piece of background info about me: my mum died in an accident when I was 22. I was already in a relationship with my now husband when this happened, and I lived at his parents’ house in the aftermath, so all 3 of them witnessed the trauma I endured.

To the present issue. Last summer, my dad had a failed open heart surgery. He was in intensive care, in and out of a coma, for 3 months. He had to be resuscitated more than once. He had multiple procedures, developed sepsis and was put on dialysis because of organ failure. All of this happened at the opposite end of the country from me, so for the majority of it I was just waiting for updates to arrive on my phone from my sister or stepmum. He died in September 2025.

During August 2025, my parents-in-law approached my husband and told him they wanted to take us and and our children on a safari holiday in 2026. My husband told them he would have to talk to me about it, but because of my dad’s condition they would have to wait because I was in no fit state to have that conversation at that time. A couple of days later my in-laws booked the holiday for us anyway, without me or my husband consenting to it or even discussing anything further with them like possible dates/time off work/etc.

I said me and the kids wouldn’t be going because I believe it was a massive violation of boundaries and extremely manipulative and controlling to book a holiday for someone else’s minor children without even discussing it with them and obtaining their consent, and then try to guilt trip them into agreeing to it when you know they are in a situation that is already actively hurting them and traumatising them. My husband disagreed because it’s a holiday we could never afford ourselves and he wanted to keep his parents happy and go on it.

So the final days of my dad’s life were taken up by butting heads with my husband about a situation that I believe his parents were completely wrong to ever put us in, and that he should be putting a stop to and protecting me from so I could have space to grieve my dad, whilst he focused solely on how generous his parents were being and how it was an amazing opportunity for our kids. And it continued after my dad died. His parents refused to cancel the booking for 2 months after my dad died. My husband continued to try to persuade me to change my mind - I was even told I needed to give his parents a final answer about it (when I had already repeatedly said no for weeks) whilst I was still away from home for my dad’s funeral.

I have never felt so abandoned, let down and alone. I have repeatedly told my husband this but I get told that he was put in a difficult position and I have repeatedly been blamed for putting him in the middle. He hasn’t had any kind of confrontation or showdown with his parents about their behaviour - all 3 of them have repeatedly blamed me in various ways and made me saying no about something being wrong with me. He still denies, defends and minimises what he and his parents did. His parents haven’t apologised to me, and he has repeatedly told me not to expect an apology from them, that he won’t ask for one for me (I haven’t told him I expect that from him), and last night I was told that he doesn’t think his therapist even thinks I deserve an apology from his parents.

I have been no contact with his parents since last year, because the entire situation is so traumatising I have felt like I’m on the edge of a nervous breakdown at times. However I haven’t given him an ultimatum about his parents, or stopped him or the children from seeing them. For my own mental wellbeing I just can’t be around them when neither they nor my husband will acknowledge the harm their behaviour has caused, and my husband will continue to completely fail to protect me from his parents’ behaviour. However last night, he gave me the ultimatum that me being no contact with his parents was unacceptable to him and that it will cost me our marriage if it continues. And I was again told that I was wrong if I thought other people would think like me about the situation, and that my therapist only agrees with me because it’s their job to make me feel better.

So, am I really wrong about this and being completely unreasonable?

It’s not that it’s a free holiday for me, it’s that it is not them doing something outwardly horrible.

Look, I know what it’s like to have over-involved in-laws. It can be very frustrating, especially if your own family doesn’t have that dynamic. But for your own sanity, you just have to kind of accept it and understand that it doesn’t come from a place of malice. As if you don’t, you’ll always be unhappy and in conflict because they will not change.

I’ve had my in-laws book themselves onto my holiday without asking me. I’ve had them book holidays for all of us. I’ve had them making plans to have my kids for a weekend without checking with me first. Over the course of 30 years of being with my DH, I’ve had it all! But I knew what I was getting myself into when I married him and I know that they are just doing it because they love us all (and are a bit controlling!)

But what I don’t understand is why you care so much? All of your posts drip so much anger. I don’t think they have done anything so horrible as to warrant a year of being this angry. Yes they pushed their luck on a holiday they wanted. I can understand why you’d be irritated. Enough to moan about them to one of your friends, for sure. But go no contact? Impact your marriage? Discuss with therapist? Still be fuming a year later? I don’t get that at all.

Well, it’s sad but I imagine your marriage will end over this. If neither of you can even try to see each others point of view. You’ve very clearly made your mind up and your husband’s dug his heals in.

Hopefully it can be amicable for the kids.

Good luck 💐

OP, you sound so eaten up by your in-laws, with no movement within this thread of any views you held. You have just dug in deeper to what you already think.

The majority of the poll think you are being unreasonable. You asked, but still maintain you are being reasonable and it is all about the.

What are your next steps, you are clearly very unhappy. Moving out? Divorce?
Although it is best to take time to make major decisions, you have sought advice and support and are not able to resolve this.

Time for some difficulty decisions and actions.

You're just not willing to give up your strop, are you?
You are being unreasonable.

I highly doubt your in-laws are going to change after all this time and your husband is stuck between them and you. Yes he should support you but that would be difficult to do if he also thinks you are being difficult and blowing things out of proportion.

So you have options,
1, spend the rest of your married life at odds with the in-laws and have it affect your husband and children. You going non contact does affect them even if you don't feel it should.

2, end the marriage which again will affect the kids

3, put up with it as they wont be around forever and too be honest there are very few wives who are not niggled at the in-laws sometimes.

4, talk it out with your husband and in-laws together. Saying you can only move on with the in-laws when your husband sees the error of his ways is very unfair on him and a bit over dramatic.

Carrying on as you are is not good for your MH.

You haven’t reread my initial post very well. My husband was the one who decided that I wasn’t in a fit state to talk about it and told his parents they had to wait. He made that judgement call. I didn’t tell anybody that I couldn’t or wouldn’t talk about it because I was not even present for the one and only conversation my in-laws had about the holiday with my husband before they decided to just book it. The first I knew about it was when my husband had to tell me what had happened because his dad was sending him booking confirmations. I was completely ambushed by all of it, and immediately asked for it to be cancelled until I could discuss it with a clearer head. My FIL claimed in his first email about it that it was completely refundable and there was no pressure to go - it turned out they didn’t actually mean that when I said no, and pressured me and my husband for weeks.

Also, please point out where I have described my kids as being traumatised. I have definitely described myself as traumatised, because losing both your parents young in horrific circumstances is traumatising, but I don’t believe I have used that to describe my kids. I made a very sarcastic comment about them being ‘super sad’ in Disneyland, which some people apparently struggled to identify as sarcasm, but I don’t think I have said my kids are traumatised. They aren’t, for the record.

As I said earlier you and your MIL have a lot in common. You are more alike than you think.
Your behaviour is doing damage to your children. I try not to be nasty in my replies but you are making this all about you. You are failing to acknowledge the damage you are doing to your marriage, your husband, your children and their extended family. Wise up before it's too late and you find yourself all alone.

Totally agree! Yes they overstepped. But the reaction is completely disproportionate.

I have never come anywhere close to describing this as akin to rape. Wow. Just wow. And I’m being mind-blowingly disproportionate.

And you may well be able to book a holiday without consent (FYI - not where I live for minor children). But if you decide to do that, you do not then get to repeatedly harass somebody into giving their consent after they have said no, especially when they are already vulnerable and grieving. Which is what they did.

As OP has said in later posts there’s been simmering resentment of her in laws for a long time. She says her husband doesn’t support her, describes BIL as the golden child and says there are problems with the family. It really sounds as if she dislikes them.

I originally gave her the benefit of the doubt that she had hyper-fixated on this problem with the ILs in her grief.

I know it’s harsh but I think she’s leveraging her grief and father’s death to try and make her husband choose between her and his parents.

The OP has at no point said she wants suggestions or ideas to manage the issues, she simply wants to know if she’s right. She’s not said she wants her marriage to work or considered any compromise or attempt to move forward.

If being right and having people agree with her is her main focus that’s her prerogative but it doesn’t bode well for her marriage.

Things are rarely black and white but even in the OP’s version of this I don’t think most people would risk splitting their family for it. I think the OP’s making a mistake if she otherwise loves her husband and wants to remain married.

I’ve gone low contact with a member of my own family as they hurt me very badly. Luckily it doesn’t impact anyone else but if U thought it would negatively impact other people I cared about I would consider biting my tongue. It wouldn’t change how I felt about what they did but I wouldn’t want it to adversely affect kids or partner.

Some of these responses are just offensive and insulting I don't think the people who are replying so harshly can fathom the level of grief that the OP has endured. When you are going through an ordeal you need people to understand your shock and exhausting, painful state. That is all the OP wanted, rather than being strong armed into a trip that she was not emotionally or mentally able to take on board. The ILs and the husband are cut from the same cloth, lacking in compassion and empathy. It is shameful that they prioritised themselves over the OP. They sound like an enmeshed and controlling bunch, it is not a healthy dynamic. And if this was not referencing a holiday people would be responding so differently on here and shouting hard about boundaries. What a mercurial bunch.

Guilt! That’s what’s kept this alive for so long.

The husband is the one making OP choose. OP has been getting on with her life and not stopping the husband and children seeing their family, which is the sensible thing to do.

She’s not hyper fixating. The subject has only come up again because her husband has very recently brought it all up again and decided that she has to start spending time with his family again or he’ll end the marriage.

I agree that OP is probably heading for a divorce. Based on the facts she's given, that's completely avoidable, but she doesn't seem to want to avoid it. She'll probably then do her best to stop the children spending time with their grandparents.

Well said. There's some very nasty posts on this thread, lecturing the OP to just get over her parent's death.

My husband and his siblings all refer to this sibling as the golden child themselves! That’s where I got that from - his own siblings’ description of him!

I have stated over and over again in this thread (and to my husband) that I do not expect him or the kids to be no contact with his parents. I do not expect him to confront them. I do not expect him to demand an apology. I just need him to stay true to his own instincts (because in this situation his initial response was good) and not pull a 180 just because something his parents say or do contradicts that. And according to you, that’s me trying to force him to chose between me and his parents 🤯

And you are allowed to go low contact with a family member who deeply hurt you, but I am completely overreacting and unreasonable to do the same. Why is there absolutely no consideration of what the impact of witnessing how my PIL treat me does to my kids? Even if I bite my tongue and stay silent (which I have done plenty of times) why on earth are you just presuming my in-laws won’t still behave unreasonably in front of my kids?

Your DH is incredibly self-absorbed, something he clearly gets from his mother. They are also enmeshed with each other.

Your DH is subjecting you to emotional abuse, another trait he has inherited from his mother. It also feels like he's bullying you into submission, the comments about his counsellor's opinion etc. he's using as a weapon against you, it just isn't right.

There are a hell of a lot of people on this thread who cannot see this, quite a worrying amount actually. It's disappointing as usually MN is good at spotting these traits, but it seems throw in an expensive free holiday from wealthy relatives and bam, it's all good.

None of them will ever change, the decision is if you want to put up with their behaviour for the rest of your life or not?

The only way forward here is couples counselling with a really good, professional counsellor.

ETA I reckon the DH is more worried about getting written out of their Will, hence him always agreeing with his parents.

OP have you not thought about the impact of you going no contact with your ILs on your DH and children? It doesn’t matter that you say you aren’t stopping them from seeing ILs, you are creating an atmosphere. What are they supposed to do at Christmas? Birthdays? What about when your DC ask why mummy isn’t coming? Will you say “oh sorry darling mummy is still cross they tried to book a holiday for us 5 years ago so she doesn’t want to talk to them ever again”

It’s just that most people are able to let things go and recognise that there is a bigger picture. Lots of people upset us in life but it doesn’t mean we need to cut them off and cause a load of drama. Your post is full of tik tok theraspeak which imo is the cause of a lot of this disproportionate behaviour.

Ok so no one told them not to book it. The first mention to you was the booking confirmation which could be interpreted as a nice surprise rather than an ambush. Why did you want them to cancel it until you could think about it later. What was there to think about. You saying this implies you are open to the idea and explains at least to some extent why they didn't immediately cancel and instead hoped you would change your mind, expecially if your DH had said he would like to go. From what you have said they were pressuring your DH and he was pressuring you. Did you tell him to stop? Your issue here is with your husband. He should have been firm with them that your decision was final and it wasn't up for discussion.

I lost my parents at a similar age to you as did my son's dad, one in our 20s and one in our 40s. My mum lost her mum in her late teens and her dad when she was in her 30s. Having my mum here and suffering from progressive dementia was probably more traumatising than their actual deaths. That felt like never ending torture whereas grief is a process.

Also I am sorry if I misunderstood your comment about your children being sad (I didn't pick up on the sarcasm) but I also thought you'd said something else. I perhaps misread something from another poster.

On first reading your initial post I did feel for you and your grief over your parents. I think your PILs were insensitive and the situation could have been handled much more sensitively by them. But I did think YABU but cutting contact for your children which would have a very negative impact on them. It did seem a very dramatic and self indulgent response. You lost your DM young and that's awful but re your father our parents do die in later life. Sad but true. It's no reason to have a mental breakdown and deny your children a relationship with the DPs

Having read your further posts it's clear that there are a whole host of longstanding issues with not just your PILs but your DH too. It's really not so simple as to place it on this one issue. But I still think it's an overreaction to cut all contact with their much loved GPs. your issues with your DH are for you as an adult to solve between the 2 of you.

You clearly have years of resentment and anger that need unravelling if you are to move forward in your marriage. If that's what you want to do. Sorry still not RTFT but wishing you well but your chiuldren should not suffer being cut off from their loved GPs.

I agree
DH has said that the PILS will never apologise. That's really what this hinges on. Apparently they've been overbearing for the entire marriage. Now they have hurt @OneAquaHare at a time when she was particularly vulnerable.

If you hurt someone, particularly when they are grieving, then you apologise, Even if you think you have extenuating circumstances. if you are told your actions were hurtful, that's all you need to know and if you care about someone, you care if they are hurting.

They clearly don't care. They think they are in the right because Free Holiday! trumps all. They don't care that this is driving a wedge between their son and his wife, and hurting them both because..."Oh why doesn't everyone understand? We offered a !FREE HOLIDAY!!!!!" . They are supposed to be older and wiser.

If one of my DC's partners went no contact with me, I'd want to know why. I'd talk to them and if I found that something I did hurt their feelings I'd say sorry and mean it. Because I wouldn't want my DC or GC to suffer.

So its perfectly in the PIL's power to make this right. To talk about it and say to the OP we are sorry we hurt your feelings. Is that really so difficult? What's the point of arguing Oh the holiday was for the Grandchildren, when you don't care if GC's parents break up over this situation.

You might not be able to take a child abroad with permission but you can most certainly book whatever you like without it.

Using the word consent is what likens this to far more serious situations where women’s consent is not given and you use these words deliberately to hammer home your point. You were not violated. Your in laws are the victims in this. You are totally unreasonable.