AIBU to go no contact after in-laws booked holiday during dad’s illness?

[OneAquaHare]

Hi, I’d like some advice please as I have repeatedly been told for the past year that I am wrong and am being completely unreasonable about this and that nobody will think like me about this.

One important piece of background info about me: my mum died in an accident when I was 22. I was already in a relationship with my now husband when this happened, and I lived at his parents’ house in the aftermath, so all 3 of them witnessed the trauma I endured.

To the present issue. Last summer, my dad had a failed open heart surgery. He was in intensive care, in and out of a coma, for 3 months. He had to be resuscitated more than once. He had multiple procedures, developed sepsis and was put on dialysis because of organ failure. All of this happened at the opposite end of the country from me, so for the majority of it I was just waiting for updates to arrive on my phone from my sister or stepmum. He died in September 2025.

During August 2025, my parents-in-law approached my husband and told him they wanted to take us and and our children on a safari holiday in 2026. My husband told them he would have to talk to me about it, but because of my dad’s condition they would have to wait because I was in no fit state to have that conversation at that time. A couple of days later my in-laws booked the holiday for us anyway, without me or my husband consenting to it or even discussing anything further with them like possible dates/time off work/etc.

I said me and the kids wouldn’t be going because I believe it was a massive violation of boundaries and extremely manipulative and controlling to book a holiday for someone else’s minor children without even discussing it with them and obtaining their consent, and then try to guilt trip them into agreeing to it when you know they are in a situation that is already actively hurting them and traumatising them. My husband disagreed because it’s a holiday we could never afford ourselves and he wanted to keep his parents happy and go on it.

So the final days of my dad’s life were taken up by butting heads with my husband about a situation that I believe his parents were completely wrong to ever put us in, and that he should be putting a stop to and protecting me from so I could have space to grieve my dad, whilst he focused solely on how generous his parents were being and how it was an amazing opportunity for our kids. And it continued after my dad died. His parents refused to cancel the booking for 2 months after my dad died. My husband continued to try to persuade me to change my mind - I was even told I needed to give his parents a final answer about it (when I had already repeatedly said no for weeks) whilst I was still away from home for my dad’s funeral.

I have never felt so abandoned, let down and alone. I have repeatedly told my husband this but I get told that he was put in a difficult position and I have repeatedly been blamed for putting him in the middle. He hasn’t had any kind of confrontation or showdown with his parents about their behaviour - all 3 of them have repeatedly blamed me in various ways and made me saying no about something being wrong with me. He still denies, defends and minimises what he and his parents did. His parents haven’t apologised to me, and he has repeatedly told me not to expect an apology from them, that he won’t ask for one for me (I haven’t told him I expect that from him), and last night I was told that he doesn’t think his therapist even thinks I deserve an apology from his parents.

I have been no contact with his parents since last year, because the entire situation is so traumatising I have felt like I’m on the edge of a nervous breakdown at times. However I haven’t given him an ultimatum about his parents, or stopped him or the children from seeing them. For my own mental wellbeing I just can’t be around them when neither they nor my husband will acknowledge the harm their behaviour has caused, and my husband will continue to completely fail to protect me from his parents’ behaviour. However last night, he gave me the ultimatum that me being no contact with his parents was unacceptable to him and that it will cost me our marriage if it continues. And I was again told that I was wrong if I thought other people would think like me about the situation, and that my therapist only agrees with me because it’s their job to make me feel better.

So, am I really wrong about this and being completely unreasonable?

I think your in-laws wanted to take you and your family a special holiday after you have been through so much.

I think you are still deeply grieving about the loss of your parents and unable to think of enjoying a holiday.

Your anger is misplaced though and not proportionate to someone trying to take you on a great holiday.

I can understand why your husband is at the end of his tether.

I am wondering how old the children are and how they are doing.

Some posters are going, 'But you are seeking to deny your children the holiday of a lifetime.'

Every summer MN is full of threads about kids who are absolutely miserable on holiday. They are on their phones. They don't want to come to the pool. They don't want to go on excursions. They don't like the food

Some kids really are happier camping or on the beach, rather than their parents and grandparents spending thousands and thousands of pounds, 'making memories.'

And it seems very odd indeed not to allow someone time and space to mourn the loss of their only surviving parent. A caring partner would tell his parents, 'I know you mean well. But this is not the time. If you want to go on your own that's fine. Alternatively we'll book something together further down the line. But for now you must back off.'

There is not exactly a shortage of safari holidays out there.

Your husband is the problem

Agree with this

YABU sorry but you've meshed the two things together when they are seperate. Give your children the opportunity of a lifetime. They allowed you to live with them. Your grief is clouding your judgement. Your children will benefit from having grandparents even if they are not your parents.

You poor thing.
So to summarise for those who think you're unreasonable - Your dad was very ill indeed and they wanted to talk to you about booking a holiday, you said no not now my dad is very ill, it's traumatic it's brining up mum's death too. They then they booked it anyway without a yes, you said no I not coming you're over stepping and then they insisted on a final answer the day after the funeral when you had already said no.
I see it as not the holiday offer, it's the timing of insisting on an answer when you're concentrating on your dad, and then again straight after his funeral. It was most definitely inappropriate of them, even if they meant well. They were thinking of themselves, seeing their son and grandchildren, and the fact that the holiday was cheaper/would sell out etc and they didn't care or think about you. And to add to that when it was pointed out to them that you were upset, they didn't just cancel and apologise, they continued going on about the deposit. Very self centered and your husband is just as bad and needs to just walk away from them they sound very manipulative.
And some Mumsnet readers think you're being unreasonable.

What do you want the outcome to be?

It sounds as though you and your husband are going round in circles about this and that, in itself, is unsustainable in the long term.

If your conversations around this are based on each of you trying to persuade the other to see it from your perspective and agree with you, you're never going to get anywhere.

Nor is it going to be helpful to you to read posts either blaming your ILs, your husband or calling you a drama queen.

The rights and wrongs of who did what, the complex feelings around it and coming to terms with it can be addressed in therapy and would probably be useful to both of you but you need to know what you want the future to look like.

My husband started his own therapy months after this entire situation with his parents began. His therapy has been repeatedly weaponised and used against me to tell me that everything my therapist has been trying to support me with is wrong, because my therapist hasn’t ‘fixed’ me and told me my husband is right about everything.

He's gaslighting you.

Whilst this is by far and away the most extreme example of my in-laws having a complete disregard for me and wildly overstepping boundaries, it is not the only example.

Sounds like your PIL think they're the main show and the rest of you are just supporting acts. So naturally your grief over your own family isn't important to them... the PIL show must go on, after all.

They prioritized booking a holiday when your dad was end of life. That would annoy me but you should speak to them saying how you felt. They aren’t mind readers. Your husband could also say that you were far too occupied to have been thinking about a holiday at that time and to back off and wait. But you’re keeping this going too long. Say something to them. Any decent person would apologise. Your husband is being a dick threatening divorce but it’s all out of proportion. It’s not something that’s unforgivable.

my ex bil intruded on my grief - my dad had just died and he was coming to stay. I thought he had no option so I allowed him to visit dats after my loss. Turns out he had a secret family we didn’t know about and there was no need for it. I was annoyed but I’m not still annoyed years later.

I think this is likely connected to the grief - you’re angry and that’s a natural grief reaction but it’s misdirected. They weren’t evil. Just thoughtless.

Just imagine the responses if a MIL posted 'I want to take my son and his family on holiday next year, they've said to hang fire on booking it as my DIL father is currently dying and she can't think straight, but I've decided just to book a holiday anyway at dates of my choosing. I'm not going to bother to check if they can get those dates off work, I just want to book it'. She would get ripped to shreds.

I agree that while ideally they should have waited, you are transferring your anger here. This is really common, to become incredibly angry over an issue or person that you wouldn't normally to the same degree as a subconscious way of distracting from your real grief.

Perhaps they needed to book to get those dates and couldn't afford to do it if they didn't get those ones? I don't really understand why you feel 'they' made your dad's final days all about this, you could have, as a PP said, just gone 'whatever, I can't deal with this now, let's put a pin in it and discuss later'. Tbh your husband could have just not even brought it up till down the line.

Think about it this way, if this had not happened at that particular time, would you have been happy to go on this very generous and once in a lifetime trip? I imagine you would have? And what an incredible experience for your children, surely it would not be right to deprive them of this experience over a matter which really comes down to a question of control/a power struggle?

I'm sorry, I really feel for your loss and I can understand your feelings to a degree but for it to have become such a huge issue and now NC seems incredibly out of proportion. And I say this as someone whose father is currently in hospital and quite possibly in his last days, but I still am dealing with organisational things because I have to.

I agree with this.
There is no emotional intelligence amongst your DH and his family, from what you describe.
Also, I wouldn’t see a holiday with ILs ( even if consented to) as ‘much needed R and R’, particularly not a safari. I don’t understand why other posters are describing it as R +R 🤦‍♀️

Is there other examples of your husband failing to support you OP?
How do you feel about him now he’s delivered that ultimatum? Do you still love him or has your love /trust for him been eroded ?

Agree with this.

You were in an horrific place when this all occurred. But it sounds like your inlaws were coming from a good place. There was nothing malicious about their actions. Insensitive - maybe. But not malicious.

I think you need to do some couples counselling with your DH, so the pair of you can come to an understanding. And then you will need to repair the rift with your inlaws.

If you don't, then it sounds like you will lose your DH.

Given the upset it caused you, they were clearly wrong to act as they did over the holiday. They probably thought they were doing a good thing to arrange an amazing holiday for you and probably thought it was best just to go ahead and book it given you were not in a state of mind to talk about it. But obviously this was a mistake. I don't know why it couldn't have waited a year, but there you go.

However, it sounds as if you have a long history of a generally good relationship with them. You don't give multiple examples of thoughtless, upsetting behaviour, just this one. Therefore I really don't think that the best way to build a happy future for you and your family is to go no contact. I think there is a good chance that in the end they will be good grandparents and the relationship will be beneficial for you all. Please give the situation more time and them another chance. Maybe reduce contact, but don't go no contact.

Why did your PIL book it when you hadn't agreed to it?
Have they explained why they did that?
I can understand posters thinking you are seeing this through the filter of grief but i disagree ,if they had booked a holiday for your family when you hadn't agreed to it or confirmed your availability for any reason that would be unacceptable and manipulative, but pressuring you to commit to something at a time of great grief and loss is reprehensible.
Your DH is lying re the therapist.
As for you going no contact with them, if you feel that protects your mental health thats your choice.

I think they think they are doing a nice for all the family at a difficult time for you. I don’t think booking the kids is an issue as one of their parents did agree, DH. If kids are old enough to agree on their own behalf eg secondary school age then I think that even more strongly they didn’t wrong. They thought you would appreciate the by time arrived as it was a long time later. So I think YABU, sorry.

I still think the in laws are a red herring here and you need to put this issue aside and focus on your marriage

your DH doesn’t sound great and maybe it would be worth exploring your broader relationship with him with your therapist. I imagine if he is like this about this issue he is like it about many others. He sounds dismissive

as pp said, your kids are stuck in this unhealthy household and perhaps it is worth considering if separating would be the healthier thing to do for all of you

This is a really small thing that you’ve blown out of all proportion. They were unreasonable to book without getting a firm yes. You were really unreasonable to insist on cancelling purely out of spite. Their behaviour following your dads death was insensitive, but your reaction to the simple question was fuelled by your own trauma. Fault on all sides, but nothing that would justify going NC. You seem to be the one who won’t let it go and move on.

I voted YABU, but since your update re MIL's general behaviour towards you, that's changed. YANBU

Unless, you speak to her about her attitude, you're going to be at a stalemate and your marriage will probably come to an end. Your DH doesn't want to face things and this isn't going to alter.

I am so sorry for your losses, particularly the recent loss of your Dad.

I lost my lovely DH in March of this year and then 3 months later my mother. Both were in traumatic circumstances and those will always be on my mind. I will miss both of them forever but even I think you are blowing this way out of proportion.

I think your in-laws are trying to do a nice thing for you. They seem have been very kind and supportive to you in the past (letting you live with them etc.) and the holiday was not going to be for another year after your father died. Going no contact with them seems very extreme and unreasonable to me. I think they were probably trying to do a kind thing to help everyone to heal, including you.

You don't want to go and that's fine, but you shouldn't be letting your grief hold your DH and your children back, potentially ruining your marriage.

You need to stop directing your anger at your DH, your kids and his family. Let them have the holiday. Their lives must go on. Yours should be too and this might just help you if you would let it.

When DH died I wasn't sure how I could ever move on. Then my mother so soon afterwards. It has been a difficult year but my DDs and I did go on holiday. In September. We wanted to start letting some light back in after the shittest of the shit few months and felt we had truly earned it. It has helped enormously.

Maybe your in-laws are trying to help you. They booked a year in advance after all and are kindly paying for it. Instead, you have gone no contact and are also trying to say that your DH and children are forbidden from the holiday.

You stay at home if that's what is right for you, but you can't force it on everyone else after a year.

Again, I am very sorry for your loss. Truly. I feel mine deeply too and always will, but there comes and point (at different times for everyone, but it does come) when life must go on, and you must allow other people's lives to go on too.

That’s a much nicer way of putting what I wrote ♥️

I am absolutely appalled that anyone has voted you as being unreasonable. There is no way I would want to jet off on holiday after losing a parent, and pressuring you to have to organise this whilst he was ill and dying is a disgrace. They clearly do not care about you OP, and at this point I don't think your husband does particularly either. I am so sorry you weren't put first during the one time you needed support and love. They could have organised the holiday a couple of years later when you had been able to grieve.

The PILs sound hard work though. Let you’d husband divorce you over this if that’s his threat. You’re entitled to want to holiday with who you want - I certainly wouldn’t want to go with them now I’ve read all of your responses. Your husband has a strange relationship with his parents by the sound of it and has no experience of losing a parent.

Perhaps couples counselling because it’s not my experience that a counsellor gives an opinion on the other partner.. this could be your husband making shit up to manipulate you

This. I've lost both parents young too and I can't imagine someone acting so insensitively during my dad's last days or while I was organising or attending his funeral. They were inconsiderate and unkind, even if they were trying to do a nice thing. It's not about the holiday, it's about dismissing you and your feelings and not supporting you when you really needed it.

Now their behaviour is muddled up with your grief and I can see how being around them is difficult. Losing parents is so utterly traumatic. Perhaps at another time what they did would be an annoyance, rather than something so wounding, but you were grieving and vulnerable and about to be alone in the world without your parents. You needed support and kindness, not demands and hostility.

If they can't see that and how their behaviour made things harder for you, then I think the relationship isn't what you thought it was. I would suggest couples counselling with your husband so a neutral third party can help him understand. He hasn't lost his parents, he isn't coping with what you have gone through and is behaving selfishly. An ultimatum is never a good course of action.

I’m sorry you’ve lost both your parents.

You’re being wholly unreasonable about the holiday. Sadly, life cannot stop for everyone because of your dad’s illness. They could have pestered less but really, you didn’t need to block if your entire life for the entire period of illness, death, funeral and then go no contact. It wouldn’t have taken much to have said to them “I’m sorry I can’t give this generous holiday the attention it deserves, please ask Pete about it, we’ll do whatever you all decide and I’ll ask my work nearer the time. Please be warned the might say no so the money for me might be lost”. It’s a matter of minutes, to have saved all this effort and hurt and drama.

However, if my DH ever gave me an ultimatum about our marriage over anything, doesn’t matter what, the marriage would be over. Neither I nor my DCs’ stability is conditional or subsidiary to anything. I’d be out of there before the end of the week.

That said, I think you’re so wholly unreasonable about the no contact and unfortunately about every aspect of the holiday, I can kind of see why it’s go to this. It’s unacceptable he’s out you on notice over your entire marriage in a way that sounds like you versus his parents…but you’ve been unacceptably exclusively self-centered for months, holding everyone hostage over nothing that warrants this. Yes their timing could have been better but really you could have been even a little bit more reasonable about it and them. They were an anthill, you’ve been a mountain.