AIBU to not want to have a baby with autistic partner?

[MeVengo]

Hi everyone. Apologies about the grabby title.

I guess I'm looking for any advice or words of wisdom here. I already have 5 year old DD with ExH. I've been with my partner a couple of years, this year slowly introducing him to DD with the plans of hopefully living together next year. As long as DD is happy and settled that is, she is a priority of course.

Anyway more to the point. My partner is autistic. I know there is risk of having an autistic child regardless of genetics and that was a risk I was willing to take when I had DD (2 NT parents.) My partner is autistic. It does come with its challenges but I love him and he's been very open and honest about it. Recently we had a conversation about having children. I'd like one more, and he would like one. We were speaking about what he was like as a child. Him and his brother are both autistic. He was essentially telling me that he didn't sleep for the most of his childhood, he ended up in respite care for periods of time as did his brother. There's also a big genetic link with autism too. To be honest I just don't think I can willingly TTC knowing there's such a big risk. It's a different risk to TTC with no history of neurodiversity and that was a risk I was willing to take 6 years ago.

I feel pretty selfish for having this point of view and I can't really articulate how I'm really feeling. Of course no post chooses to have an autistic or disabled child, but I'm going to have to tell him that I don't think I can willingly try for a baby with him knowing there's such much bigger risk factors. The impact it could have on my DD. I've read through many threads on here recently after we discussed this, and there are so many many threads where (mostly mums) struggle, how their life is turned upside down, the impact on any siblings etc.

As mentioned I know there's a risk for any child to have any sort of disability, and that's a risk I'm willing to take. But when there's genetics and immediate family history of it, I think that's different.

Am I being unreasonable to feel like this? Can any parents who have been in this situation give me any words of wisdom? Do any parents of autistic children in hindsight would you change anything?

If he really wants to have a child, and he's so within his rights to want that for himself, as much as it will break my heart I will have to end the relationship because I wouldn't want him to feel stuck or resentful towards me because of how I feel.

As much as he has been open and honest about his autism, now we spent a lot more time together, there are definite struggles, some adaptable but some challenges for sure. I desperately don't want to end a relationship 'because he is autistic' but I just know that's how he will take it, if I tell him I don't want to have a baby with him. And that breaks my heart. I feel awful about this and don't really know if I'm entitled to even feel like this.

I would absolutely, as someone who has parented a neurodivergent and difficult child, agree with your decision. Don’t do it, your daughter’s life will be absolutely impacted - the degree to which, you can’t predict.

Thank you. This is my biggest concern. She is my priority and where all of my concern lies.

I think this will probably end the relationship too. I just feel so shit about it.

You both want a child, but you don't want one with him. Why are you planning on living together rather than breaking up?

I wouldn’t have another one in this situation. It may heavily impact your DD. Lack of sleep is an absolute killer. And getting assessed and support is very difficult nowadays with long waitlists. So it will likely be a constant battle to get support.

I think you are being unreasonable to be honest.
NT kids can be just as difficult, if not more so than ND kids.

It sounds like your partner had a good grasp of his tendancies now, and from my experience those guys actually make fantastic fathers to kids, both ND and NT.

It certainly does seem unfair.

You want a child but you are essentially saying you don't want a child with him.
There's a non-zero possibility that he will take that as you rejecting him as being autistic is part of who he is, you saying you don't want an autistic child could be akin to you saying you don't want someone like "him"

"My partner is autistic. It does come with its challenges but I love him"

Doesn't really match up with the above, does it?

"If he really wants to have a child, and he's so within his rights to want that for himself, as much as it will break my heart I will have to end the relationship"

I see your point, an autistic child would be really hard to deal with (I suppose depending on how far along the spectrum they might end up being), but the things you are saying don't match up with how you say you feel about your husband and sounds really insensitive at best and just plain selfish at worst.

I think it’s a wise decision to not have another baby, your daughter comes first. I have a high functioning DS who is as yet undiagnosed but suspected AuDHD and the impact on the family including his younger brother is huge. Everything revolves around what he can and can’t manage: holidays, birthdays, days out. We can’t have people over to our house because he can’t cope with it. I used to love entertaining so this is hard. We leave gatherings early or don’t go, and if he manages something extra eg a play date, it takes so much out of him that the next two days are awful. He spits, hits us, trashes the house and is up until 11pm requiring 1-1 attention the entire time. I love him, but it’s so hard, and I worry that his younger brother’s life is being impacted.

This is your decision. I absolutely would, I’m autistic myself and want nothing more than to be a mum. I lost my first years ago and didn’t get another chance, so if I really loved someone and wanted babies with them I would. if you don’t want to then don’t, but if he wants children I would let him go find someone who wants children with him. It’s only fair.

I may not have explained properly but we discussed living together before we discussed having a baby. We've touched on it before, but I didn't know the extent of his childhood and the struggles his parents, and both siblings went through.
People can and do change their minds. And I've said in my OP this will probably be the end of the relationship. I won't move in with him if having a child is a dealbreaker. It wouldn't be fair.

Of course you are entitled to feel like this - you don’t owe him a baby.

As you rightly say, your daughter is your priority and I think that is absolutely right. Having a baby is hard enough without a known and increased risk of issues that would impact all of your lives.

I know nothing about how autistic people cope as parents to autistic kids but that would also be a consideration. I do know a couple of people with Asperger’s or autism (undiagnosed due to their age) and there’s no way they could deal with being parents.

I can love someone and want to be with them, and not want a child with them. The two can co-exist.

Thank you, that's the general consensus from the many threads I've read over the last few days. I have to think of my daughter first and foremost. It's just a rubbish situation all round.

But why take a higher risk that could backfire?

Honestly having seen the toll it takes on families (including close relatives), I can see the dilemma you are in. The autistic person in my life is adored by their family but the challenges that have come with parenting and being a sibling to that person have had a huge impact on their everyday lives. The sibling will have a life long caring responsibility/guardianship role, although parents have the finance to ensure that needs will largely be met after they are gone... not everyone would be in such a fortunate position. On a professional level, I see the similar all the time. I would not judge you for choosing not to have a baby with your autistic partner.

My partner is autistic, my DD diagnosed AuDHD at age 13. She struggles massively with anxiety but up until secondary school she was the model child and we had no idea she was anything other than NT. I would take away her struggles in a heartbeat but I would not change her, or him, for anything. It's such a massive spectrum but I can understand why you don't want to necessarily take a chance when you don't have to. I'd probably end the relationship though as it's not fair on your DP.

Thank you for your honest opinion. It's really helpful to hear from parents with experience in this.

My brother was diagnosed with ADHD as a child and as an adult thinks its autism. He and his wife decided not to have any children for this exact reason. He wasn't sure how he'd cope and they were also concerned about trying to raise a potentially autistic child. They have no regrets.

Op has a child already though

In fairness, I also wouldn’t want a child with a 7 + year age gap. There’s no reason you couldn’t tell him you’ve reflected and realised it would turn your daughter’s life upside down too much to have another child (it would, and it’s always the youngest whose needs will be prioritised because they are least able to be independent). This would be a far more kind way of achieving the same end goal, and it may leave a slight chance he reflects and decides he would rather have you and no child.

I’d feel the same OP. The genetic link is indisputable, the risk of having a child with significant needs is much higher vs just rolling the dice with any pregnancy. Your partner has/had his struggles but is objectively now well adjusted; your child might land on the severe side of the spectrum. If he wants a child it would only be fair to part ways.

It sounds like you've made up your mind. In which case the fairest thing is to end it now and set him free to find someone who does want children with him. It feels wrong that you've been in a relationship where you've mentioned children and you now decide you don't want his children. I imagine he'll be hugely hurt, as you would be if the situation were reversed.

Just to be clear, you would 100% be breaking up because he is autistic.

If you haven't made up your mind yet then it might be worth taking to his parents about his childhood. You'd have to be very tactful of course. They'll have a different take to him.

I do understand your fears, however the world is much more ND aware these days than it was when he was young. Also knowledge is power, knowing what to look out for means you’ll be able to support very early on. Also remember that ND displays very different from person to person.

YANBU to feel the way you do.
As you acknowledge, your existing child has to be the priority.

Three of my friends have children with autism and I see how hard life is for them and the impact it has on their relationship and their other children.

I’m sorry you’re in this position and I wish you the best for what is probably going to be a very hard and upsetting conversation with your partner.

I see what you're saying. Maybe I could go down this route. I'm not writing off having a second child completely though. I guess, as harsh as it sounds, I am with him. I'm only 30, and ideally would like one more. But as I said it has to be an ideal position and my DD comes first.

I spent years working with autistic and disabled children. Utterly put me off having kids. My dad is autistic, but only realised in the last twenty years. He had a lot of sensitivities with sound and other stuff, and I think he found it profoundly difficult to deal with the noise and chaos of young children, so that's another angle to consider.