AIBU to not want to have a baby with autistic partner?

[MeVengo]

Hi everyone. Apologies about the grabby title.

I guess I'm looking for any advice or words of wisdom here. I already have 5 year old DD with ExH. I've been with my partner a couple of years, this year slowly introducing him to DD with the plans of hopefully living together next year. As long as DD is happy and settled that is, she is a priority of course.

Anyway more to the point. My partner is autistic. I know there is risk of having an autistic child regardless of genetics and that was a risk I was willing to take when I had DD (2 NT parents.) My partner is autistic. It does come with its challenges but I love him and he's been very open and honest about it. Recently we had a conversation about having children. I'd like one more, and he would like one. We were speaking about what he was like as a child. Him and his brother are both autistic. He was essentially telling me that he didn't sleep for the most of his childhood, he ended up in respite care for periods of time as did his brother. There's also a big genetic link with autism too. To be honest I just don't think I can willingly TTC knowing there's such a big risk. It's a different risk to TTC with no history of neurodiversity and that was a risk I was willing to take 6 years ago.

I feel pretty selfish for having this point of view and I can't really articulate how I'm really feeling. Of course no post chooses to have an autistic or disabled child, but I'm going to have to tell him that I don't think I can willingly try for a baby with him knowing there's such much bigger risk factors. The impact it could have on my DD. I've read through many threads on here recently after we discussed this, and there are so many many threads where (mostly mums) struggle, how their life is turned upside down, the impact on any siblings etc.

As mentioned I know there's a risk for any child to have any sort of disability, and that's a risk I'm willing to take. But when there's genetics and immediate family history of it, I think that's different.

Am I being unreasonable to feel like this? Can any parents who have been in this situation give me any words of wisdom? Do any parents of autistic children in hindsight would you change anything?

If he really wants to have a child, and he's so within his rights to want that for himself, as much as it will break my heart I will have to end the relationship because I wouldn't want him to feel stuck or resentful towards me because of how I feel.

As much as he has been open and honest about his autism, now we spent a lot more time together, there are definite struggles, some adaptable but some challenges for sure. I desperately don't want to end a relationship 'because he is autistic' but I just know that's how he will take it, if I tell him I don't want to have a baby with him. And that breaks my heart. I feel awful about this and don't really know if I'm entitled to even feel like this.

After everything you have said about his need for routine, the fact his mum or whoever does everything for him and that he still has lots of needs and requirements with you, I wouldn't even move your dd in with him. He's not going to cope well with a 5 year old unless she's very quiet and compliant and that's not a good thing.

OP, I feel for you, I think the whole thing is looking less tempting for you but you clearly love him and want it all to be different.

I think it comes down to the future you see for your child and yourself. I didn't let any man move in with us or move them in with him til over 18 for this reason, I think it rarely works out and this has lots of warning bells going off given his own needs.

She won't be, i'm going to end the relationship - I've realised it's the right thing to do

I've covered this already if you read my posts.

I would go further and ask why do you need to live together? I'm speaking as a divorced, autistic mother of autistic children. Create a lovely stable home with your DD. You can have an ongoing relationship with a man without having to live with them. It very very rarely benefits the child or the mother to have a man moving in.

If you want one more child but not with him then you need to leave him and not string him along. YABU to stay with him.

Absolutely not. My DS is so hard, the lack of sleep nearly killed me and now it’s fights to get into a school and trying to cover up the bruises I’m covered with. I’d never inflict that pain on anyone, your DD doesn’t deserve it.

Thank you. I agree and will be ending the relationship. I won't ever let anything impact my little girl or her home.

I just feel stupid for even trying, I feel so guilty. For my daughter, and for him too.

You're a good mum OP for putting your daughter's wellbeing first

Is that all you have to add?

How insightful.

I had a rotten childhood due to an autistic sibling. It wasn't anyone's fault, but if you can avoid inflicting it on your daughter I would echo other PP and say don't have a child with your current partner.

My daughter is my priority. I've made that clear in my OP. That's not stringing him along.

In a situation like this, it's all that's needed.

Why guilty? You tried it; you know more now about how it would pan out with him domestically, and you are preserving your peace and hers.

We can't all wait til our kids are old to have company, even find love. I think moving a man in/moving into theirs isn't a good plan though, I'm a big fan of separate houses with children involved (but many do do it!)

I wouldn't have his child either. Right decision. I'd also break up as you say you will.
Posters saying NT kids are just as tough as autistic kids are pointlessly virtue signalling.

Don't feel stupid, never feel stupid for having the capacity to love.

You're doing the right thing by leaving him. Even if he says he doesn't want kids and wants to stay together, I would still break up with him because there is potential here that he would hold it against you.

And of course, you can't have another child if you stay with him, so you're doing the best thing for both of you.

Op, if he i happy to continue to live separately and not have children, you could stay together. But of course, if he wants more, and you don't, then that's it.

I think people also often underestimate the gender issues that sit alongside ND challenges. There is absolutely no doubt in my mind that, on average, an ND man vs an ND women bring different problems to the table in a relationship because of different societal expectations. Not always, of course, but it does create an additional element.

If you know you want another child and you know that you don't want to do it with him, but you stay with him anyway, then you are stringing him along.

That is nothing to do with your daughter being your priority.

If you had bothered reading my posts, you'd see that I'm going to end the relationship.

My husband is autistic, very bright, kind, direct and totally sincere. Traits I really admire in him. I have my own serious health issues, our girls are 4 and 8 and we make it work. He struggles with the noise, the relentlessness of it all but I wouldn’t change a thing. Our oldest is ND and doesn’t have it easy but she is brilliant. Obviously just my experience and I appreciate it won’t work for everyone.

It’s a tough situation to be in, but remember that someone not liking a choice you make, or being hurt by it, does not mean you have done anything wrong. You haven’t. Mourn the end of what could have been, but please don’t indulge a misplaced sense of guilt when you’ve committed no wrongdoing. That can only be used against you, and will only hurt you. Sometimes an outcome that doesn’t involve pain for one or more parties is impossible to achieve, and that’s okay. That’s life.

Not professionally, but English isn’t my first language so I do in order to maintain fluency and to keep developing.

Im an nd parent ive austism and adhd , dh is probably adhd and theres several individuals in both our families who are walking round undiagnosed. We had 2 kids knowing that the chances of nd kids were huge and one so far is autistic. If its something that you can't deal with then its best you go your separate ways.

As the child of an autistic father, please don’t do it. Yes he’s high functioning and he cares for me in his own way but by god, I’ve been in the ‘parent’ role since my early teens and have had to be very independent; he is incapable of acting like a father towards me yet expects me to be a dutiful daughter. I realise this is my own personal experience and some of this may not be down to his autism, but his neurodivergence has had a massive negative impact on my life.
Interestingly, my cousin (his nephew) and two out of 6 great nephews are also autistic.

You're not 'writing someone off because of a disability, though. You've been with him for two years! It's not as though you haven't given him a chance. He may well be a lovely person, but, bluntly, as I think you realise, his behaviour is significantly restricting your life, even without considering a child with him.

Even assuming your child with him was not ND, how on earth would a routine-bound man, who can't cope with any adaptation without lots of notice, eats a very restricted diet, cannot socialise normally or attend family events, has never learned basic housework or how to see when something needs doing, and sleeps badly, cope with the demands of a baby and a growing child?

You're making a reasonable decision, with your daughter's best interests at heart, and I have a feeling that once you end the relationship, you will almost immediately be aware of how much you've been sacrificing in adapting to all the things he can't cope with.

It may be, but it does nothing to alter the immense stress that parents can undergo, in dealing with the NHS (like waiting for assessments or going on medication) the SEN education system, and if needed social services! If you have children, who are in a round peg in a round hole school, that’s fine. Unfortunately, ND children can be overwhelmed in mainstream, but are too able for special schools.

I don’t think parents of NT children comprehend how much local authorities lie, cheat and bully the parents of children with SEN, until they experience it themselves. Social Services are just as bad.

I have been through it with my own DC - four tribunals, about 5 attempts at high court court action against education, three attempts at high court action and a complaint to the Local Government Ombudsman against social services. All to get DD1 what she needed and was legally entitled to.

DS is now going through it over DGD, who has inherited the ADHD and autistic traits running in the family, as is a nephew over his DD.