AIBU to not want to have a baby with autistic partner?

[MeVengo]

Hi everyone. Apologies about the grabby title.

I guess I'm looking for any advice or words of wisdom here. I already have 5 year old DD with ExH. I've been with my partner a couple of years, this year slowly introducing him to DD with the plans of hopefully living together next year. As long as DD is happy and settled that is, she is a priority of course.

Anyway more to the point. My partner is autistic. I know there is risk of having an autistic child regardless of genetics and that was a risk I was willing to take when I had DD (2 NT parents.) My partner is autistic. It does come with its challenges but I love him and he's been very open and honest about it. Recently we had a conversation about having children. I'd like one more, and he would like one. We were speaking about what he was like as a child. Him and his brother are both autistic. He was essentially telling me that he didn't sleep for the most of his childhood, he ended up in respite care for periods of time as did his brother. There's also a big genetic link with autism too. To be honest I just don't think I can willingly TTC knowing there's such a big risk. It's a different risk to TTC with no history of neurodiversity and that was a risk I was willing to take 6 years ago.

I feel pretty selfish for having this point of view and I can't really articulate how I'm really feeling. Of course no post chooses to have an autistic or disabled child, but I'm going to have to tell him that I don't think I can willingly try for a baby with him knowing there's such much bigger risk factors. The impact it could have on my DD. I've read through many threads on here recently after we discussed this, and there are so many many threads where (mostly mums) struggle, how their life is turned upside down, the impact on any siblings etc.

As mentioned I know there's a risk for any child to have any sort of disability, and that's a risk I'm willing to take. But when there's genetics and immediate family history of it, I think that's different.

Am I being unreasonable to feel like this? Can any parents who have been in this situation give me any words of wisdom? Do any parents of autistic children in hindsight would you change anything?

If he really wants to have a child, and he's so within his rights to want that for himself, as much as it will break my heart I will have to end the relationship because I wouldn't want him to feel stuck or resentful towards me because of how I feel.

As much as he has been open and honest about his autism, now we spent a lot more time together, there are definite struggles, some adaptable but some challenges for sure. I desperately don't want to end a relationship 'because he is autistic' but I just know that's how he will take it, if I tell him I don't want to have a baby with him. And that breaks my heart. I feel awful about this and don't really know if I'm entitled to even feel like this.

Yanbu x

Women don't owe anyone children.
That's the bottom line. No need to overthink.

Ye want different things OP, it happens and him being autistic change that .

You miss the point. It’s not fair to knowingly give a child a ND parent who has considerable issues of his own, from what OP describes. With a man who won’t be able to parent egfectively. A child isn’t a prize or a toy or a right; it’s a human being you’re bringing into the world. Why do that knowing it’s going to have one parent who’s incapable of parenting properly. I’m living that. It’s shit.

Whilst I fully support your choice and agree with everything you’re saying

just wondering….why stay in the relationship to this point if Thad the end goal and that’s not what you want?

OP has clearly said she is not staying in the relationship.

I think you're very wise to be thinking this through. There are regular threads on here from people regretting having children, particularly where they are neurodivergent.

I think there are a few things to consider -

• impact on the child. It sounded like he had huge struggles in childhood if he had to have respite care etc.
• impact on sibling, from having a sibling who needs a higher degree of care or can't cope with holidays or days out for example
• impact on you, if for example your child refuses school (which is hugely common) or doesn't sleep
• impact on your partner. If he doesn't cope with say noise how is he going to cope with a shrieking toddler with noisy toys? If he doesn't cope with changes to routine without advance notice how is he going to cope with even a NT child who wakes up at random times, has illogical meltdowns over something they were fine with yesterday, throws up on the way to nursery so he has to have a day off
• impact on your relationship. Even with a NT child if you have another adult who only does stuff when instructed and won't use any initiative, I think that would wear very thin

I don't think you're saying anything negative about people wirh autism, it's a fact that their lives and their families lives are harder than if they didn't have autism. If that's the hand you're dealt, you deal with it, but I think it's absolutely fine to not plan to have a life that's harder than it needs to be.

I'm not sure you need to tell him the reason why though as I don't think there is any way it won't cause hurt. I'd just say you've realised you don't want to go back to the baby years, have a big age gap etc.

As someone that has a very big genetic seam of autism running through our family, I would once have said that it was not a huge issue / worry. All of our autistic family members were fully functioning members of society. No, not fitting the NT model, but working, families, children, relationships. Leading happy and productive lives. Quirky at times maybe, but since we all have elements of that, it was almost the NT world that was odd, not us.

Until one sibiling had 2 out of 3 children with more severe and restricted autism, once of whom, aged 30 does not leave their bedroom, is unable to work, didn't finish education, can't manage relationships and barely can manage to interact with their ageing parents. Their younger brother is slightly less affected and does live independently, but is unable to work and struggles severely to interact with others.

Due to this, my viewpoint has changed. As much as my DS loves her children, her life is one of worry about the two children she has that are affected the most. Huge concern about the reclusive adult child and worry about the mental health of the other child who shies away from family interaction but who also needs help and support. If she had her time again, she would probably not have had children due to this.

I am autistic, diagnosed later in life. My child is profoundly autistic. I love him with every beat of my heart and fibre of my being, but if I could rewind time and make the choice of having children again, knowing that I am autistic, there is absolutely no way I’d have kids. DS is 10 and has never slept through the night. He’s never spoken. I worry all the time about his care needs, what will happen to him in the future and spend all my time fighting to get his needs met.

Also, our “flavours” of autism are very different. He’s loud and wild and unpredictable, loves mess and chaos and busy, crowded places, noise and people and strangers. I am someone who finds having the wrong number on the tv volume stressful, and can only eat certain things with the “right” kind of spoon, would rather crawl over Lego than go to a social event, and crave quiet and solitude, so I spend most of my life in a permanent state of fight or flight.

I love him so much and now he is here, I could not actually be alive in a world without him in it, but if I could choose again then I wouldn’t have children at all because I do feel like all the struggles he faces are my fault and it would be better if I wasn’t a mum.

I think you're very sensible and realistic OP, as well as know your own limits. And that's ok.
I hope you can both stay together regardless of no children and still build a happy life. Sounds like lots of affection there.

Genetics aside, he will not cope with being a parent. You'll end up parenting your baby alone as well as parenting him (and your existing DD).

He has (self described as) 'crash outs' and gets incredibly overwhelmed at small every day things.

This stood out for me.

When I think back to how overwhelming the early days with a baby were, and then the toddler days, then teen years....... I really can't see how he would cope at all with that. A baby wont have read his routine and will work to its own timetable, as they all do!

I see that you have decided to end the relationship which is probably for the best, but I would perhaps be explaining to him the reality of being a parent if he is willing to listen. I am not at all sure he should become a parent, now or ever.

Do not have another dc - with him.
He has told you the reality.
My lids also didnt sleep. 1 didnt sleep through till 3.5yo and the other did around 1 byt still when teething etc so really that was about 3 too.
Currently nothing to improve autism. And of uk the sen system overwhelmed too.
Tbh i would extend to not choosing to have dc with adhd partner. As although there is meds they dont last all day and could end up paying for them once 18etc.

You can stay together you dont need another dc.?

Also a lot of parents of ND kids dont manage to stay together. I mean no sleep, tricky kids, struggles with schools

And it 100% appects other kids in the house.
The nd ones not sleeping arent always quiet with it.

You’re being very very sensible op. X

Background population rate is 1-2% research shows having an autistic parent increases risk to 7 to 16 fold - a 7-fold increase is roughly a 1-in-10 to 1-in-7 chance and 16-fold increase means the child has up to a 1-in-3 chance

So those odds seem high to me.

I knew I had dsylexia and dsypraixa and my kids had high chance but I did well acadmcially assumed diagonsis would be easier going forward and it was a okay risk. Took till about same age to diagnoses my kids despite pushes from me and then found in additional ADHD - support and actial awareness still were not there - lip service was.

My kids are on milder end - so problems have managable in normal schools mostly with la huge shit ton ots of parental support mainly me input that everyone tends to ingnore but takes a toll - I love them to bits and enjoyed having them but it's been on higher end of normal parental input scale. Their cousin starting to fail normal primary school - and that's turned into a whole other kind of shit show of delay and obfuscation and authroties getting involved.

I think with a child already you are being sadly very sensible.

I am apparently ND as was my exH. I knew we were odd and sort of matched together in our oddness but we are both bright and academically able so no one thought much more of it. Our DD inherited the worst of the genetics from both of us and will be very lucky to ever live independantly. Looking back I'd not have had kids knowing this was the potential outcome. My DD is already confirmed on a child free path that I wholeheartedly support. Having a significantly impaired child is impossibly hard most of the time.

Absolutely not unreasonable. Autism is a serious neurodevelopmental disorder, I dont know why we pretend it isn't. Massive rates of mental health issues, epilepsy, associated learning difficulties, ocd, ADHD and more. Whataboutism isn't helpful here - plenty will pile in and say we'll im autistic and I'm fine. That's great, but not how stats work.

It's perfectly reasonable to want a healthy child. ( yes, we glamorise and celebrate autism... but again, it's a serious neurodevelopmental disorder, not a lifestyle choice)

Fair play to you OP for making this post and being open about your worries.

I'm TTC and I worry all the time about what I will do if I have a profoundly autistic child, but it feels like people will think I'm heartless if I say this out loud. I'm meant to love them and be their mum forever no matter what, aren't I? But I have worked with these children, I don't know how their parents get through the days, it's so hard for them. How do you weigh up the choice though? I'm nearing 40, might be ADHD, family members who may be somewhere on the autism spectrum (but no diagnosis for any of us, all reasonably high functioning) , husband is a bit younger (does that cancel out my age?) and only one member of his family with ND diagnosis (also high functioning so does a diagnosis or not even mean anything?) . If I roll the dice, where is it likely to fall? I drive myself mad trying to figure it all out, what factors will affect things more than others.

Would you feel the same if it was a physical condition? What if he was diabetic for instance? And yes, there is a genetic link with type 1.

My genetics are 100% a reason i will never have a baby. I have severe OCD, and in my family it is definitely genetic, as my sibling has severe OCD too. I'm talking no quality of life level severe, from being 5 years old all i've known is struggle, pain, despair etc. I don't know what the % risk is of passing it on, but I couldn't live with myself if i cursed another human being with even a mild form of this illness and the suffering it would cause them. I take every precaution possible but if an accident happened, termination is the only option.

Mental illnesses are on the rise because these days more people with genetic mental health conditions like OCD, autism etc are having children/more children than did in previous generations, likely due to better benefits and social support. Schools aren't coping with higher and higher % of SEN students, Then there's uproar when those children don't become fully functional, working, net tax paying adults, with higher and higher numbers on sickness/disability benefits.

Unpopular opinion i'm sure, but having children isn't a right, and more people should be like OP and think of the children and their quality of life and avoid reproducing if they/ their partners have obvious autism etc, the same way they would if it was a serious physical genetic disorder they could be passing on.

I understand the difficulty (I probably don't, but I would like to think I understand) of having autistic children, but the whole question smacks of such repugnant eugenics, that it makes me deeply uncomfortable.

I voted YANBU, and I'm someone who had an autistic child with my autistic ex. I absolutely wouldn't change my situation for the world, but it's your decision to make!

I don't think you're being unreasonable.

It's not solely because he has autism but because you've learnt the extent of the challenges this caused in his and his brother's childhood and the likelihood of that being repeated.

I agree with what some of the posters have touched upon about autistic parents really struggling with parenting, particularly parenting autistic children. I have seen that in my own family. The accessibility needs of the parent and the child often seem to clash and the autistic parent often lacks the patience, flexibility and selflessness to deal with the situation well. The impact and workload on the non-autistic parent is often overwhelming.

From your description of him (poor sleep already, tendency to be self-absorbed, poor housekeeping abilities, refusing to attend social events) it sounds like he isn't suited to parenting full stop tbh. This would be problematic whether the child was autistic or not. Or even just with your current child once he's there all the time...

Hi OP, ive not had time to read the whole thread but to help you understand the "genetic" link this was an excellent, recently published, article:

brainstormhealth.co.uk/blog/new-blog-post-ppm9k-8zg6x-md8bk?utm_source=newsletter&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=autism_is_genetic_thats_not_what_the_evidence_says&utm_term=2026-09-25

There's a vast difference on the Autism spectrum, from those on the lower end to the higher, plus those in-between. There's absolutely no way of knowing, which end of the spectrum a child may be, regardless if there's an added risk or not.

Given the fact that both your partner and his brother are Autistic, then it's likely one or both of their parents are as well. My BIL and SIL have 4 children, 2 are Autistic and 2 aren't. I suspect that my SIL is Autistic, which is probably the reason behind 2 of the children being Autistic.

You have to think of your daughter, as she has to be your priority. Personally, I wouldn't take that risk. Unfortunately, it may mean the end of your relationship.