AIBU to not want to have a baby with autistic partner?

[MeVengo]

Hi everyone. Apologies about the grabby title.

I guess I'm looking for any advice or words of wisdom here. I already have 5 year old DD with ExH. I've been with my partner a couple of years, this year slowly introducing him to DD with the plans of hopefully living together next year. As long as DD is happy and settled that is, she is a priority of course.

Anyway more to the point. My partner is autistic. I know there is risk of having an autistic child regardless of genetics and that was a risk I was willing to take when I had DD (2 NT parents.) My partner is autistic. It does come with its challenges but I love him and he's been very open and honest about it. Recently we had a conversation about having children. I'd like one more, and he would like one. We were speaking about what he was like as a child. Him and his brother are both autistic. He was essentially telling me that he didn't sleep for the most of his childhood, he ended up in respite care for periods of time as did his brother. There's also a big genetic link with autism too. To be honest I just don't think I can willingly TTC knowing there's such a big risk. It's a different risk to TTC with no history of neurodiversity and that was a risk I was willing to take 6 years ago.

I feel pretty selfish for having this point of view and I can't really articulate how I'm really feeling. Of course no post chooses to have an autistic or disabled child, but I'm going to have to tell him that I don't think I can willingly try for a baby with him knowing there's such much bigger risk factors. The impact it could have on my DD. I've read through many threads on here recently after we discussed this, and there are so many many threads where (mostly mums) struggle, how their life is turned upside down, the impact on any siblings etc.

As mentioned I know there's a risk for any child to have any sort of disability, and that's a risk I'm willing to take. But when there's genetics and immediate family history of it, I think that's different.

Am I being unreasonable to feel like this? Can any parents who have been in this situation give me any words of wisdom? Do any parents of autistic children in hindsight would you change anything?

If he really wants to have a child, and he's so within his rights to want that for himself, as much as it will break my heart I will have to end the relationship because I wouldn't want him to feel stuck or resentful towards me because of how I feel.

As much as he has been open and honest about his autism, now we spent a lot more time together, there are definite struggles, some adaptable but some challenges for sure. I desperately don't want to end a relationship 'because he is autistic' but I just know that's how he will take it, if I tell him I don't want to have a baby with him. And that breaks my heart. I feel awful about this and don't really know if I'm entitled to even feel like this.

I hate to say it, but it sounds like you are parenting your partner a lot anyway and I think that's why you find the thought of another baby with similar problems overwhelming.

There’s a huge difference between rolling the dice, and rolling the dice when you know it’s weighted.

You’re not unreasonable to not want a child with him. You aren’t unreasonable for initially being open to having a child with him, and then changing your mind. You don’t owe him children. You aren’t obliged to risk your own and your existing child’s stability because other people think it’s unkind and/or discriminatory not to. Fuck that.

Don't feel bad about it. I am autistic and, hell, I wouldn't want to have babies with myself either. Even though I am high functioning and was a "model baby" for my parents (I have hypersomnia so my parents have no idea what are those sleepless nights new parents are talking about) I appreciate that I was very lucky in terms of where I am on the metaphorical spectrum. But more to the point, I cannot cope with having a child - any child. The sensory stuff, the planning and organising, bending to someone else's routines, self-regulation that it requires... I have a step child and I am finding it tricky to have my routine disrupted when she stays. Which is not fair on the child although I make sure she doesn't feel like an inconvenience. To have this in my life 24/7.. I just can't.
Which brings me to your husband. He may want a child. I did for many years. But actually having a child with everything that it entails may not be something he is able to handle. This is something he might want to consider very seriously.

Presumably he comes across as a functioning well rounded adult - one who Holds down a job/career and someone one day you’d trust around your own child otherwise you wouldn’t be with him in the first place? So it follows any child he might have chances are they’d grow into the same as adults

I find adult diagnoses of autism somewhat irrelevant and just a label (same in young children to excuse poor behaviour). I have NT children and they have all been crap sleepers and I can’t say at time their behaviour is much better at time therefore his adult “diagnosis” of autism may have nothing to do with his behaviour as a child whatsoever

having a child with anyone is like rolling the dice

This is not someone I’d consider living with let alone having a child with! Children are noisy, unpredictable and couldn’t give a rat’s backside if you’re neurodivergent and struggling, they won’t be modifying their behaviour or making reasonable adjustments. Based on this, just run.

It’s so hard to say because although there is a genetic link, if you had a child with someone else there is still every chance they could be neurodiverse. If you really want a child I think you have to be prepared for that risk. A sibling could be the best or worst thing to happen to your child and you have no idea.

My Husband and I have ADHD and i suspect our children do, but it’s too early to tell. I wonder if it’s an easier prospect because I can relate to it, whereas for you it’s a more complicated decision. Also sleep is a tricky one because plenty of neurotypical children struggle with sleep too.

I think for you it’s too big a risk.

I'm not sure what your DP is like with housework, but I know a few women who married autistic men and those men are often awful at cooking, cleaning etc. Not keen on looking after small children. The woman does 95% of chores and childcare. It's really really challenging and awful if you have a baby and not much support from wider family, because the man tends to pursue his hobbies and special interests rather than get involved in chores. This isn't a rule of course but a pattern I've seen from personal experience.

Then there is the genetic link that you are aware of. Your DP is able to function on his own, but what if your child is born on the further end of the spectrum? There is a high chance that the child will be eg mute or not able to attend a regular school. Never be independent and not able to live alone. The risk is high here and if you're happy and settled with your DD I personally wouldn't take it.

I have 1 neurotypical child and one child with Autism, it’s my neurotypical child I’ve had sleep problems with, he’s 12 and still doesn’t sleep great, my autistic child sleeps 8-7 most days always has. My autistic child brings me just has much joy as my other son.

Thank you for putting it so bluntly. I needed to read that. I really appreciate it.

Also slightly off topic, do you write?

How could anyone think you're being unreasonable? (I have late-diagnosed autistic friends who are attuned, nurturing parents to their autistic children, but I was also raised by an (undiagnosed) autistic parent and experienced profound emotional neglect.)

However, OP, the relationship itself doesn't sound great, either. I mean, is this how you want your life to be, tethered to an iron routine, socialising and attending family events on your own, dealing with your boyfriend's 'crashouts' and overwhelm? What is in this for you? Why would you be even contemplating moving in together, or introducing him to your child?

Hi OP, I think you're being very sensible and brave in facing this head on, far too many women rush in to having kids with a man 'because I love him' and think it will all work out when in reality it's incredibly likely that if there are issues it's her who ends up carrying the load.

I was too naive myself, ExDH is autistic but it wasn't until our DD was born that the extent of his challenges were clear to me. She is NT but his autism meant he wasn't able to cope well with the lack of sleep, noise (crying, rattles, songs...), the amount of stuff/mess, her being defiant.. He was just constantly overwhelmed and overstimulated and tbh it turned him into a horrible person, shouting at us, refusing to go out or let friends visit etc. We split when DD was 6 and it suddenly became so much easier for me because I didn't have to manage his moods as well as parenting a small child.

Ten years on and DD and ExDH have a lovely relationship, he has never done overnights but comes to our house once a week for dinner, she goes to his once a week for movie night and pizza and they have a shared hobby for several hours at the weekend. He is a great guy, I care for him a lot still and we get on very well now, but he was not cut out for fatherhood - he jokes with DD that he is her 'uncle-dad'.

Worth considering not just the risk of having an autistic child and the difficulty that may add to you and your DDs life, but also how well your DP may cope with the pressures of parenting and supporting you.

Well we are not!

I wouldn’t have a child with him OP, not only for the genetic risk for the child but also if he has sensory and routine issues then he is going to struggle with a newborn where any routine goes out of the window. Also if you are now coming out of the honeymoon period and you are finding some of his behaviours challenging you may end up tied to someone who you can no longer live with but who you have a child with

He's not great with housework and he's to be prompted for many things. He doesn't have that initiative of 'I'll take the plates out and rinse them, you did dinner.'
I'm told that it's due to it not being in his routine. He lives with a (female) family member and I think she does the lions share. There are many many things he's brilliant at. He has a good job, he has a very small circle of friends and strong interests. I love him so incredibly deeply. As time goes on I just don't think we're compatible. He is an excellent cook even if he isn't domesticated.

No, I would not risk your daughter's stability by having a child with this man and if I am being totally honest I would not be making her live with him.

Not unreasonable. I say this as an autistic parent to autistic children.

OP, I think you are very brave and very sensible to be thinking about this NOW rather than doing the magical thinking thing where you wave your hand and think it will be all okay.

Another factor to consider is that even with an NT or easy baby, with HIS challenges, how will that play out? Because the next thing you know, you have another child but you're left doing it all becuase he can't. Eg, family events are now you, a 9 year old and a toddler while he stays home or sits on his phjone? Things are noisy are chaotic becuase the baby has colic, so he has to go put headphones on because he's overwhelmed? You do every playdate and every school run because he can't cope with the other parents? The child is sick but he can't adapt his routine to look after her?

'm sorry to be harsh, but this is a consideration. MN is full of women wh osay, "If I'd known he'd be like this of course I wouldn't have had children with him" but you're in the situation where you DO know.

Also, it sounds like much as you love him, there are already challenges. So I'd be questioning him moving in with you at all personally, even if he decides he's okay with no children.

Agreed. There's an existing child in the mix here.

I have two ND children, if ai met someone else and was wanting to have more kids, I would 100 percent be looking at genetics the next time around. I know it’s not a fail safe but parenting ND kids is hard, they are wonderful and brilliant in lots of ways but it’s hard and they take a lot of time and both of mine are on the milder end of ND. So you are not being unreasonable, just realistic and protecting your current child’s childhood as your attention would be very much on the second child if they were autistic.

He sounds like a disaster, OP.

Because there are many traits in him that I adore. He's kind, patient, loving, has incredible morals. He has had long term relationships before, both women apparently left because they cheated on him. He has a huge heart and I wouldn't want to write someone off because of a disability.

But, there are evidently issues and writing it out here is helping me see that. We aren't compatible and I won't risk anything impacting my little girl. My home is her home, and should only be mine and her home. I guess the silver lining is I'm seeing this better late than never, so it won't impact her. I am just so so sad.

I wouldnt hesitate because of a child having autism (i likely have it myself) I'd have a good long hard think about how he might cope with being a parent, as the reality often gets glossed over massively.
I will of course caveat this with the fact that there are a lot of autistic parents out there working incredibly hard to be great parents and succeeding.
Obviously some people wont/cant be good parents regardless of ND, but part of the rise in recognition of ND has also led to a rise of people realising the impact a ND parent had on their childhood, their siblings and their other parent.
There is a long running set of threads in relationships for people with neurodiverse partners who need support, and a LOT of them talk about how their partner was able to mask for a few years at the start but having children put so much pressure on them that they unmasked, and someone who seemed like they'd cope okay with parenthood was revealed as someone who was not only not a good parent, but actively detrimental to their children and their partner. (Autistic individuals can also unmask over time, without kids being involved, and sometimes that reveals that unfortunately due to the way their disability presents itself, they are not capable of a being a good partner. Sometimes its 'not a good partner to this specific person' and sometimes thats to anyone) I highly recommend you give it a read. Some of the stories on there are absolutely heartbreaking. The impact of those upbringings will last those children's entire lives. Women ill for life after being under so much stress for so long, holding up not only an entire household but also trying desperately to be a good support to their partner and be cognizant of them having a diasability. Being unable to determine whats disability, whats personality, whats patriarchy, whats just straight up abuse...and then the mental turmoil of the guilt, forever.
Again, noone knows what they will be like as a parent until they are one, but its worth reading stories from wives and children of autistic men, and really figuring out what it might end up looking like.

This

I think your relationship has to end, I’m sorry OP. Leaving aside the issue of another child, even having him living with you and your dd sounds rather risky. You will be the one carrying EVERYTHING. And if you do have baby - whether it’s ND or NT - it’s going to be all down to you to manage his ability to cope with the changes in finances, home life and your own health.

I am the younger sibling to db who has autism. Childhood was tough on my mum - he wasn’t able to be in school much as a primary aged child. He’s very bright. But secondary school was also a challenge - I remember his adolescence with something akin to horror as my mum and my brother had angry and often (on his side) violent confrontations with furniture being thrown and me having to seek refuge in my room to be safe.

My db did marry and had two children but the marriage ended in disaster after 7 years, when both kids were still little. He has been a pretty good dad when the kids were tiny actually, very engaged and interested in his kids’ lives, but still struggles with finances and daily tasks, he’s not very “competent at life”. One of his kids has gone off the rails and I do blame my db a bit.

I would absolutely not take the risk of blending a family with an autistic adult who is already struggling with basics of adult life. And a hard no to another baby if I knew it was high risk.

You can refuse to have a baby with someone for any reason you like. Like dating, it's not an equal opportunities game.

My advice is dump him now so you can both have children with the people you want to have a child with.