AIBU to not want to have a baby with autistic partner?

[MeVengo]

Hi everyone. Apologies about the grabby title.

I guess I'm looking for any advice or words of wisdom here. I already have 5 year old DD with ExH. I've been with my partner a couple of years, this year slowly introducing him to DD with the plans of hopefully living together next year. As long as DD is happy and settled that is, she is a priority of course.

Anyway more to the point. My partner is autistic. I know there is risk of having an autistic child regardless of genetics and that was a risk I was willing to take when I had DD (2 NT parents.) My partner is autistic. It does come with its challenges but I love him and he's been very open and honest about it. Recently we had a conversation about having children. I'd like one more, and he would like one. We were speaking about what he was like as a child. Him and his brother are both autistic. He was essentially telling me that he didn't sleep for the most of his childhood, he ended up in respite care for periods of time as did his brother. There's also a big genetic link with autism too. To be honest I just don't think I can willingly TTC knowing there's such a big risk. It's a different risk to TTC with no history of neurodiversity and that was a risk I was willing to take 6 years ago.

I feel pretty selfish for having this point of view and I can't really articulate how I'm really feeling. Of course no post chooses to have an autistic or disabled child, but I'm going to have to tell him that I don't think I can willingly try for a baby with him knowing there's such much bigger risk factors. The impact it could have on my DD. I've read through many threads on here recently after we discussed this, and there are so many many threads where (mostly mums) struggle, how their life is turned upside down, the impact on any siblings etc.

As mentioned I know there's a risk for any child to have any sort of disability, and that's a risk I'm willing to take. But when there's genetics and immediate family history of it, I think that's different.

Am I being unreasonable to feel like this? Can any parents who have been in this situation give me any words of wisdom? Do any parents of autistic children in hindsight would you change anything?

If he really wants to have a child, and he's so within his rights to want that for himself, as much as it will break my heart I will have to end the relationship because I wouldn't want him to feel stuck or resentful towards me because of how I feel.

As much as he has been open and honest about his autism, now we spent a lot more time together, there are definite struggles, some adaptable but some challenges for sure. I desperately don't want to end a relationship 'because he is autistic' but I just know that's how he will take it, if I tell him I don't want to have a baby with him. And that breaks my heart. I feel awful about this and don't really know if I'm entitled to even feel like this.

Thank you

I was conflicted when you first started this thread but now, like another poster, I’m just left feeling depressed and shocked tbh. I have severe ADHD as does my DD who also has autistic traits. When I say ADHD I mean real ADHD, not therapy tent or TikTok ADHD. My husband has autism. Do I consider us disabled? Possibly, when things are particularly bad. I won’t go into specifics about how hard certain things are or have been, there has been enough examples on this thread. My main comment here, I suppose, is the thought of someone leaving their partner because they don’t want his/her traits to be passed on to any offspring they may have. It’s sinister. I do get it, no one wants their child to be disabled in any way but you have started a life with this man, and presumably found out very early on he was autistic, so why on earth did you let things get that far? I’m honestly shocked and hope my daughter never meets someone like you.

If someone wants to take specific precautions to avoid complications / birth defects, that is not saying disabled children are inferior.

By your logic, people who get tested for inherited medical conditions like cystic fibrosis or Huntingdon's disease before getting pregnant shouldn't get tested at all.

Did you take folic acid? Surely women shouldn't take folic acid in pregnancy to avoid birth defects, by your logic?

She was dating him. They weren’t living together or married. How is that ‘starting a life with him’?

People need to stop co-opting women as carers of the future.

already asked and addressed.

There are no terrible views on disability here. It's in your perception only.

Most acknowledge that IF they had a disabled child that they would love the child unconditionally and do their best to care for the child. So far, so good.

But if they could, they would not choose the path of disability for their child because they know their child's life would be likely much more difficult.

All utterly and completely sane views to hold.

You are the one who is at odds with everybody else.
Really you are.
Think about that.

💯

Nope, you didn't answer. And you're still avoiding answering.

See above r.e. down syndrome screening. Already discussed. RTFT.

That isn’t true as deletions and posts agreeing with her show. I’d choose that path again. I have autism and adhd, why should I never have children?

You didn't respond the post that was addressed to you, about women who take folic acid to minimise the risk of birth defects in their baby. Did you take folic acid?

You say you object to OP's words, but the person who used the word 'inflict' was someone whose views you support. OP didn't introduce the word 'inflict' to the thread yet you repeatedly reprimand her for that word and not the person who used it and who agrees with you. Why is that?

Ultimately the OP makes a decision based on what she want's. She's decided to put her thoughts out for a public debate and the consequences of that are the responses we've read. I didn't get a choice my mother suffered from puerperal psychosis after my birth and my brothers, at the time her mother was instituinalised in a mental hospital. My father couldn't cope so basically ignored the situation. I'm here still making a positive impact on my family and community eugenics would probably meant I never existed. I have Adhd it's never stopped me being a caring human. The father of my children has a physical disability I never gave it a second thought. I suppose that makes me selfish.

What poster said that? How many posters have actually said that to you or to anyone who absolutely would choose the path they have?

I doubt 5 posters throughout this entire thread explicitly said that you and those who are happy/content with their paths should never have had children. Even if they did, why would you even take them seriously or give them any thought?

You’re happy, why care if others wouldn’t desire your life?

Why does anybody take abelism, racism etc seriously?

You've already announced your departure once, and you're looking forward to it being finish. Why are you still here fighting your way out of a paper bag?

And no, I won't 'take on board' what you said. I stand by what I said in my comment because you seem so intent on virtue signalling, and I find it unsettling. I find your attitude and views unsettling and quite frankly a bit obsessive.

You're free to leave, no one's holding you hostage.

Well take it seriously when you at least spell it correctly.

Differing views aren't ableism. They are just that, differing views.

I find your views unsettling and obsessive. One really does wonder what your aims were as regards starting this thread. I for one don’t think they were entirely innocent . They weren’t what you alleged them to be at the start and running down the autism community was most definitely the biggest.

They really aren’t always as the deletions show.

You stand by what you said in your comment that was deleted for being a personal attack.

I think OP's intent was innocent, probably looking for validation, expecting that people would agree.
Which the vast majority, including myself, do.
It is the minority that have kept this going for so long accusing a woman who reasonably wants to end the relationship as ableist or some such, in my opinion, nonsense.
Borderline implying she should continue the relationship else she's a bad person for not doing so. Absurd.

If not for them this thread would have not gone on as long.

Naturally she is pissed off with this and has to defend her position.

And what 'autistic community'? The autistic people I've known have not gathered in groups.

The so-called high functioning autistic people (sorry if this term offends, I can't think of another way of putting it) I've met prefer their own company much of the time.

YANBU! I’m autistic and so I’m the one who would pass on the risk, and even I don’t want to do it. No one would or should hold that against you.

You do need to be brave and honest and let the other guy go though.

Exactly this. Thank you.

I like the high functioning label because I am indeed higher functioning than most neurotypical people 🤣

Nope we told her repeatedly she should leave as they’re clearly not compatible. Thats not what we have objected to or what the deletions were for. It was for the ableism directed towards the autistic community as a whole which posters had every right to call out and should do so every time. Sorry you don’t like that but it certainly shouldn’t deter posters from doing what is right.

Oh and re community the word can mean people who share common interests, values, or backgrounds.