AIBU to not want to have a baby with autistic partner?

[MeVengo]

Hi everyone. Apologies about the grabby title.

I guess I'm looking for any advice or words of wisdom here. I already have 5 year old DD with ExH. I've been with my partner a couple of years, this year slowly introducing him to DD with the plans of hopefully living together next year. As long as DD is happy and settled that is, she is a priority of course.

Anyway more to the point. My partner is autistic. I know there is risk of having an autistic child regardless of genetics and that was a risk I was willing to take when I had DD (2 NT parents.) My partner is autistic. It does come with its challenges but I love him and he's been very open and honest about it. Recently we had a conversation about having children. I'd like one more, and he would like one. We were speaking about what he was like as a child. Him and his brother are both autistic. He was essentially telling me that he didn't sleep for the most of his childhood, he ended up in respite care for periods of time as did his brother. There's also a big genetic link with autism too. To be honest I just don't think I can willingly TTC knowing there's such a big risk. It's a different risk to TTC with no history of neurodiversity and that was a risk I was willing to take 6 years ago.

I feel pretty selfish for having this point of view and I can't really articulate how I'm really feeling. Of course no post chooses to have an autistic or disabled child, but I'm going to have to tell him that I don't think I can willingly try for a baby with him knowing there's such much bigger risk factors. The impact it could have on my DD. I've read through many threads on here recently after we discussed this, and there are so many many threads where (mostly mums) struggle, how their life is turned upside down, the impact on any siblings etc.

As mentioned I know there's a risk for any child to have any sort of disability, and that's a risk I'm willing to take. But when there's genetics and immediate family history of it, I think that's different.

Am I being unreasonable to feel like this? Can any parents who have been in this situation give me any words of wisdom? Do any parents of autistic children in hindsight would you change anything?

If he really wants to have a child, and he's so within his rights to want that for himself, as much as it will break my heart I will have to end the relationship because I wouldn't want him to feel stuck or resentful towards me because of how I feel.

As much as he has been open and honest about his autism, now we spent a lot more time together, there are definite struggles, some adaptable but some challenges for sure. I desperately don't want to end a relationship 'because he is autistic' but I just know that's how he will take it, if I tell him I don't want to have a baby with him. And that breaks my heart. I feel awful about this and don't really know if I'm entitled to even feel like this.

I'm afraid I would feel the same. I wouldn't want to take any risks. My childhood - and my siblings' - was absolutely destroyed by another sibling who nowadays would be classed as autistic.

(Of course I wouldn't be telling him this)

we need to have a conversation and I'll speak to
him tonight. He deserves to have a child that he wishes for, and he deserves to have that with someone a lot more willing than I am. And I'll tell him that.

I feel awful saying the above as there are so many really lovely people who are autistic, but I know women whose lives are incredibly difficult bringing up a child with autism. Most of all, though, I would put my daughter first.

This. Let the man go.

I’m autistic and my husband has ADHD. We ‘rolled the dice’ twice and got a son who likely has ADHD and a daughter who is too little to assess yet. Both are excellent sleepers and good enough eaters. Son has some behavioural issues when he gets frustrated but these are few and far between if we manage his triggers (remind him to drink water and make sure he’s not too hot etc).

I understand your concern though. My cousin is also autistic but has learning difficulties on top of this and his life (and my aunt and uncles) has been hard.

I suppose all you can do is talk about it with him and find out if it’s a dealbreaker for him. Sad if so, but it’s a valid concern, especially considering you have another child to think of.

He's not held hostage. He is free to go.

And yes but weve only touched on the topic of children. I didn't know the extensive struggles he and his family had, and his parents, until recently. That isn't my fault and neither is it his. I don't think anyone is wrong here, although its a very sensitive subject.

If you both want a child you're being a bit unreasonable nothing saying you find someone else and have an autistic child with them!

As a single parent to an autistic child I fully agree with you. I know everyone is different but if I knew how difficult my childs life would be & in turn how difficult my life now is I would never have went through with having a child. No one can ever prepare you for how difficult it can be. You will be utterly exhausted & your other child will suffer. You may have to give up work, or in my case take a lower paid job with less hours. Now I worry constantly about money on top of everything else. On the other hand I love my child more than life, I wish I could make it easier for them. The world isn't built for people with autism.

What autism-related struggles and behaviours does he show?

From the other side, I was raised by an autistic parent. The way it manifested made for an emotionally neglectful childhood that has impacted my life to a huge degree.

I did not have a third child for the reason that I knew I wouldn't be able to cope with a disabled child with two children already and I was getting my life back. I was older and I knew I'd reached my capacity to do any type of intensive caring that would be demanded if they had (more likely as older) disabilities or other problems.

I wasn't fussed about autism per se, and both my sons are mildly neurodivergent but it doesn't affect their daily lives too much. I knew I couldn't cope with them and a disabled child, so I went with a no, even though I would have liked a third child.

I think it's fine to consider the likelihood of disabilities of any type when having another child as they always take away from your existing capacity and only you know if you have the time, energy and resources to give to a child however they come out. When you have a baby, there's no way of predicting this or the severity whereby they might be affected.

Yes, from the threads I've read on here it's a common theme. That's been a huge concern too. I just won't budge on my daughter's needs first and if that makes me a villain, then I'll take it. It's a very very sad situation. Yes there's more awareness now and the world is more 'ND friendly' the threads I've read on here tell a different story. Battling with schools, battling to get the right support, kids being left out, that there's little to no support out there for these children or their families. That's just not something I want to willingly enter with an already 5 year old DD too. Thank you for sharing your thoughts x

I've covered that in my OP. It's a bit different than having a baby with someone who is autistic, and also has autism in the family. One situation is a rolling of the dice, the other is a genetic link. There's a clear difference and one I won't want to risk on when I already have a daughter to think about.

Thank you, I really appreciate you sharing your story x

As someone who has 2 ND children with exH, who in hindsight is clearly ND (but lives in denial) I would say think very, very carefully. My kids are quite mild and lead normal lives but their emotional challenges and, with one of them, sleeping challenges, are extremely hard work. Add exH’s behaviour to the mix and they’re both pretty messed up.

I can completely see where you are coming from. It is likely that DH has ASD, I definitely have some quirky “traits” and we have 2 kids who are diagnosed ND as well as another like me who is more spectrum adjacent.

It is an absolute dream parenting our children, the kids are really great and our pride and joy but there is no doubt ASD is disabling and brings its own challenges.

I am extremely happy with our lot and I do know families who have it much worse without dealing with ND but still I can see why you’d have your reservations. Do what is right for your own situation.

Yanbu and I say that as someone with 4 autistic kids. Neither me nor their father is autistic so we didn’t know. Do not do it!

I would say though that every time you have a baby, you are rolling the dice. There isn't some ideal man with an ideal set of genes somewhere and you cannot know if a new baby will have any type of disabilities, genetic or otherwise, or grow up to have all kinds of troubles, illnesses and so on.

I agree it's one thing to have a baby knowing the genetic link, but you can't know the risks of having one more baby anyway IMO. I think more and more people are having fewer and fewer children, or none, considering their quality of life.

I don't know whether the alternative future is finding another person and having a baby, the only way to ensure your own daughter's life stays pretty much the same is not to have another baby. Just something to think about.

But ultimately people change their minds on things like this all of the time. If you tell him this, and then you split and ultimately go on to have a child with someone else, he can’t sue you for misleading him, and is unlikely to ever even know.
If you do want another child though, this is so much more straightforward - you need to just end things with him, as you already know you don’t want him to be the father of that child.

If it makes you feel any better, I have two neurodivergent children - one very extreme, and raising him was genuinely hell, I don’t know how I’ve survived it - and one who has classic inattentive ADHD and truly has been a joy. They don’t have the same dad so it’s obvious that there’s neurodivergence in my family too - sister, dad, nieces, nephew all ND. My husband has ADHD which presents the same as our daughter’s. My husband and I, now understanding neurodivergence - which we didn’t when the kids were born - are completely united in that we would never roll the dice again. It’s a spectrum, if you carry ND genes you’re passing them on and nobody can tell where on that spectrum the child will lie and what the impact on your life will be. I wanted another child until I found out about the ND and from that day forward my relief that I didn’t have one has never wavered.

As for your partner, he has experienced being him, he hasn’t experienced raising him! My son isn’t scarred by being him, he would happily have children - although I know for sure he wouldn’t actually cope with parenting. It’s us who have been scarred by the experiences of raising a very violent ND child. So I wouldn’t take your partner’s opinion of what it was like raising him with even the smallest pinch of salt.

I totally understand how you feel OP I do think you’re being realistic however hard it is. Those saying you can’t love your partner if you won’t have a child with him are completely missing the point. You are giving him the opportunity to walk away and that is true love putting his needs before yours. It’s also worth mentioning what would happen if things didn’t work out and you were left with the child to bring up alone along with your daughter. I feel for you I really do what an awful predicament to be in.

It is vanishingly unlikely that neither of you are neurodivergent. You don’t have to be diagnosed to be neurodivergent.

I think it’s absolutely fine to decide not to have a child for absolutely any reason: it’s a huge commitment.

Your first duty is to yourself, and your second duty is to the daughter you already have.

There are many many reasons why people want to have children, but don’t want to have them with their current partner. Sometimes you don’t find out until you’re with somebody different that your opinion has changed – that’s what happened to me. So I don’t think you have to beat yourself up about this when you’ve already realised that the decent thing is going to be to tell him how you feel so he can look for another partner if he wants to.

I'm really sorry you went through that and thank you for sharing your experience.

Some struggles he has are around food. Having to eat only certain brands, there's more foods he won't eat than he will. He has (self described as) 'crash outs' and gets incredibly overwhelmed at small every day things. His sleep schedule is very poor. He does not attend family events with me, on the very rare occasion he does he will be very quiet and watch his phone. I've had to help him sort his finances out as they were all over the place. Every thing has a routine or time stamp that cannot be adapted unless he's given lots and lots of notice. I guess when i was in a honeymoon phase, a lot of these things I thought were parts of him that I adore. But as time goes on, I have come to find parts of it difficult which I have told him. He tells me frequently that no one understands his brain.

Hi Op,
My DD is diagnosed autistic,
my husband is most likely autistic as well but undiagnosed. We have a great life on the whole however we stopped at one and I'm glad we did.
I think you are being very sensible to consider this and please don't feel
like you are a bad person- in fact if anything the opposite is the case. Wishing the best to both you and your partner for the conversation.

I know it’s not a nice thing to say OP but I totally agree with you and I would feel the same.

As you’ve said no pregnancy comes with a guarantee of a perfect healthy child at the end, we roll the dice with any pregnancy but knowing your chances are higher than the average does change things- at least it would for me.

Any child can be hard work, a child with autism though is a different challenge entirely and I don’t think it’s a bad thing to acknowledge that you don’t feel prepared or equipped to raise that child. Yes, something can happen at any time, there is never a guarantee with any pregnancy, but if you know from the start that you have a higher than average chance you can make an informed decision.

How old are you both? Risks get higher as parents get older, so its not a decision to put off. To balance things my autistic child slept like a dream, its the teenage years which have been hardest so far.