AIBU to not want to have a baby with autistic partner?

[MeVengo]

Hi everyone. Apologies about the grabby title.

I guess I'm looking for any advice or words of wisdom here. I already have 5 year old DD with ExH. I've been with my partner a couple of years, this year slowly introducing him to DD with the plans of hopefully living together next year. As long as DD is happy and settled that is, she is a priority of course.

Anyway more to the point. My partner is autistic. I know there is risk of having an autistic child regardless of genetics and that was a risk I was willing to take when I had DD (2 NT parents.) My partner is autistic. It does come with its challenges but I love him and he's been very open and honest about it. Recently we had a conversation about having children. I'd like one more, and he would like one. We were speaking about what he was like as a child. Him and his brother are both autistic. He was essentially telling me that he didn't sleep for the most of his childhood, he ended up in respite care for periods of time as did his brother. There's also a big genetic link with autism too. To be honest I just don't think I can willingly TTC knowing there's such a big risk. It's a different risk to TTC with no history of neurodiversity and that was a risk I was willing to take 6 years ago.

I feel pretty selfish for having this point of view and I can't really articulate how I'm really feeling. Of course no post chooses to have an autistic or disabled child, but I'm going to have to tell him that I don't think I can willingly try for a baby with him knowing there's such much bigger risk factors. The impact it could have on my DD. I've read through many threads on here recently after we discussed this, and there are so many many threads where (mostly mums) struggle, how their life is turned upside down, the impact on any siblings etc.

As mentioned I know there's a risk for any child to have any sort of disability, and that's a risk I'm willing to take. But when there's genetics and immediate family history of it, I think that's different.

Am I being unreasonable to feel like this? Can any parents who have been in this situation give me any words of wisdom? Do any parents of autistic children in hindsight would you change anything?

If he really wants to have a child, and he's so within his rights to want that for himself, as much as it will break my heart I will have to end the relationship because I wouldn't want him to feel stuck or resentful towards me because of how I feel.

As much as he has been open and honest about his autism, now we spent a lot more time together, there are definite struggles, some adaptable but some challenges for sure. I desperately don't want to end a relationship 'because he is autistic' but I just know that's how he will take it, if I tell him I don't want to have a baby with him. And that breaks my heart. I feel awful about this and don't really know if I'm entitled to even feel like this.

I think you are wrong. OP isn't rejecting her partner and clearly states that she loves and accepts him as he is, autism and all. What she is saying is that she doesn't want to risk having a child whose autism is more pronounced than her partner's, especially since she already has a child who could be severely affected by a sibling with significant extra needs.

I don't think she is being in any way unreasonable and I think many people would feel the same in her position. She has already accepted that this might cause the relationship to end if her partner is set on having his own child. It's a difficult situation but neither of them is right or wrong. There are many circumstances in which you can sincerely love someone but accept that the relationship has no long term future due to divergent needs and aspirations.

I think it’s less you don’t want a child like your DP is now it’s more you don’t want one like he tells you he was like growing up and fair enough, who would choose that life. It’s very genetic so Yanbu.

I don’t think you should. But purely because it wouldn’t be fair on the poor kid if it was ND. A kid needs to be wanted regardless of the challenges, and your theoretical ND kid deserves better. I have one NT and one ND. Would not change either of them for the moon.
I think your partner should find someone else who wants to share the full life he wants.

I guess at least you’re being honest…

OP, I have three mildly ND, which really didn't become clear for several years.

It has meant to the outside world they can be very mildly quirky, but behind the scenes has involved enormous effort from me.

Lots of bending myself out of shape for their comforts, food, friends, general well being, managing anxiety and stress.

You really wouldn't see it if you met them as academically they are very successful and are very personable, but the truth is the toll on me and my health and well being has been enormous.

My husband is definitely ND and it becomes more apparent every day as he ages.

He's a nice, personable, kind man in many ways, children love him dearly, but enormously selfish and his comfort is paramount.

I have largely solo parented the children.
I would no more wish it on another woman and believe me I really have not had it even a tiny fraction as hard as what some women on MN describe.

My husband's father was 54 when he was born and my husband was in his 40's when our children were born.

I love them to bits and take enormous pride in how successful they are, but I am shattered from it at times.

A 6-7 age gap is large too.
Cherish what you have, don't risk it.

It is overwhelming the mothers whose lives are turned upside down with ND.

Dh is in the spectrum so is dc2.

dh inability to cope with having children around has been the biggest issue.

And tbh he might find being around your dd already quite challenging

My husband is nurodiverse, my youngest has an ASD diagnosis, my eldest is quirky! Both great kids . Intelligent , funny, talented musicians and actors . One was a great sleeper , one didn’t sleep until she was four ! Deciding to have a baby is a risk in itself !! You never know what you are going to get . I wouldn’t rule it out ….but a non nurodiverse child may affect your daughter in some way too or having a baby may be a blessing to all .

YANBU. I didn’t want anymore children in general (I like children, I just never really felt the biological clock and DD was unplanned) but every now and then I felt this pang of guilt for DP, who is childfree, ND and was on the fence.

What cemented it for me was seeing the challenges as our relationship progressed. I’m not saying it’s impossible and in many aspects he’d be a great father (if nothing else the funniest one!) but it’s just not a risk I’m willing to take, both for him and a prospective child. I’m happy to tag along him being everyone’s favourite uncle.

I understand your fears OP. My eldest is AuDHD (mostly affects his social interactions as he's quite high functioning in most areas but parenting him has been very challenging at times). He wasn't diagnosed until after we had our second child who is NT but if I'd known before, I would have thought very long and hard about having another.

His diagnosis made me realise the high functioning autism in other family members including my father. He really couldn't cope with children and our mum worked overtime with parenting and had to keep us out of the way a lot as any noise/mess/naughtiness would make him explosively angry. We used to say he had a "one second fuse". So your fears about what sort of a dad he would be are relevant too.

Autism runs in my father's line and in each generation the severity has increased - no issues on the maternal side. My father is high functioning, my brother is high functioning but with significant challenges, my nephew is non-verbal and will never be able to live independently. This is just anecdotal evidence, maybe the science doesn't back it up, I don't know. But for this reason I would have never had a child with an autistic person. Seeing my SIL's struggles with my nephew is heartbreaking.

I don't miss the point.

If you don't like someone's way of being, and you don't want their traits within your child, why are you with them???

The op has said she will end things, which is for the best, I think.

Christ this is sad. I feel sensitive about it having a child with autism who I personally think is my spirit animal. I love him so dearly. He’s just better to be around than most humans I have met. He’s quiet which I appreciate, we can sit in silence watching the world go by together and it’s so peaceful. He doesn’t want much other than warmth, love, kindness, endless Babybels and birds to watch! He reminds me of Chris Packham in many ways, like a 6 year old version. Just a lovely little boy.

The difficulties are lack of communicative speech. He can now tell us most of his needs and wants which is a big step, he can read fluently, he’s highly academic so fine in mainstream school but can’t tell us about his day. That’s sad sometimes, I would love to hear that. He elopes which can be highly dangerous though he thankfully seems to be outgrowing this now at 6. He’s a fussy eater so there’s maybe 15 foods he’ll eat and forget everything else but lots of NT kids are like this. That’s about it. He toilet trained at a normal age, sleeps well, no “meltdowns” or behavioural issues.

Autism is a vast spectrum. You clearly love your partner despite his autism so what makes you think you wouldn’t be able to love a child with it?

Depends what is is TBH and what implications are and how high riskes of condition were.

When I was pg with first - nether of us would have aborted for downs by time we were finally agreeing no more - we were decade plus older and already had existing kids who needed time and energy. DH was shocked it was a reason I would avoid pg and now would consider an abortion if I did get pg if it was thought to be there. Not only had tiem increased my risks but my capcaity to cope with situation had diminished with time and thus how I viewed the situtation.

Here - it also impacts on parenting ablity - how able is the potential father to cope with baby disruption.

If OP felt able to cope with it all - I'd say go for it but she doesn't think she can and is considering her existing child and any impact on them.

What's selfish about it? I think choosing not to bring a child into the world who is likely to suffer intensely is very reasonable. I'm autistic and wouldn't have chosen to exist, personally.

I’m autistic myself. I still agree with you.

He has crash outs and gets overwhelmed with small things does he?

Nothing so overwhelming as a baby. If you were to go ahead, you would need to prepare to be parenting three people and that's a certified passion killer. I know you've decided to end the relationship, and for what it's worth I think you're right to. You know how you feel, and those feelings are valid, regardless of how upset he will be that you don't want to have a baby with him.

You're under no pressure to have a baby with anyone, and can say no thankyou to that for any reason you see fit. You don't have to justify yourself to him, or anyone.

I would. If you want a baby it makes sense to have the healthiest one you can

I think having a child when you have misgivings is always the wrong thing OP.

However, although I am not saying your reasoning is wrong (I've not been in your position), and although I normally advise total honesty as the best course, I do wonder if there is a way of exiting this relationship without being too explicit about your reasons. "Because I don't want a child like you" has to be deeply hurtful.

My son barely slept until he was five years old. He does not have any disabilities and is not neurodivergent. I found it so difficult that I decided that was it, only one child for me. it was the best decision for all of us.

This. I think people who have ND children, even when it's relatively "mild" and the children are able to function "normally" a lot of the time are the ones who understand the sheer effort. And if you're basically single parenting, that's x1000.

I see it int he ND community around me all the time - women whose partners have left or who are present in name only and whose lives are 10000x harder than mine and whose children's outcomes might not always be as good. Becuase these women (and it's ALWAYS women) are drowning.

Our daughter is autistic and our son might be. I wouldn't change them for the world. Yes they have their challenges, but so can any child or person.

Also not all autistic children don't sleep, both our kids are on the low sleep side of things but they sleep through (oldest up till about 11 give ot take an hour, youngest up any where between 6 and 8 but down earlier and knows can't wake anyone till 7 unless something wrong though he will still come through for a cuddle) and they don't disturb the other. I know a good few kids that at least as baby / toddlers kept the house awake with no known ND.

Our daughter has more challenges around school, socialising and sensory needs. Yes I would do anything to get her mentally in a better place but I wouldn't change her. Our son we don't know about yet for definite but he is the happiest and most loving child - yes he is fussy, he likes things a set way and really struggles with change but I wouldn't change him.

Also there are plenty of undiagnosed adults about, you don't know that there isn't anyone in your family that is ND, you just know you aren't aware of anyone that's is ND.

If you don't want a child with someone don't have one, don't just use possible disability as an excuse. Everyone is different, every autistic and ND person is different you have no way of knowing what a baby with this person would be like

This one isn't hard. If you are in any doubt about having a child with someone, don't.

I have an autistic adult child and others who aren’t autistic. It was/is incredibly hard at times but I wouldn’t change them.
The NT dd was often the hardest!

It’s good to have this conversation now prior to moving in together. You both deserve to be happy.

My XH and a large percentage of his family are now diagnosed, but when we met, 25 years ago, none of them where and I just thought they were quirky.
it was only when my PFB was diagnosed aged 3, that it was ever even discussed. Since then, 3/4 of my DC have diagnoses plus his sibling, 4 DN/N’s and 3 of their children (others are too young).

whilst I would never wish away my DC and they are all high functioning, life is just that bit harder for them and I wish it was easier…

That's a lot, sounds like severe autism no?